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EL FUCKING NIÑO, in which i post no pictures of pirates.

so i freeze…it’s always been like this.

in the space of one week i played so many shows, did so many things, met so many people, and created so much content that it completely blocked my fucking mental drain.
then, typically, i was afraid to blog because i started to get scared that there would just be too much shit to put in one place.
and there would be. i don’t know how to figure this one out. i need a blogging fairy.
one who doesn’t keep track of my emotions and the inner process of my life but just collects the awesomeness and filters it to you in a nice, cleverly packaged way.
i sort of have that fairy, and it’s called twitter. i have simply started dumping content there, and it’s extremely useful. but it doesn’t feel as substantial as the blog.

and amidst all of the content, i feel like my life gets lost.

i resist documenting when i feel tired. i don’t want to be beholden to the life-as-life-archive. i also don’t want it to lie fallow. i dart back and forth and to and fro-yo.

so i’m sitting here on hera’s parents porch, with the cat, who is fluffy, and dumb and couldn’t figure out while scratching on the dining room window all last night while neil and i were having dinner that the fucking porch door was actually open 16 feet away, and i am committing myself to a one-sitting blog before my soundcheck in Christchurch (what a fucked up name for a town. no, really. eek. but the snarky folks, they call it “crimeschurch”, which makes me happy).

it will be a blog in which i will not post photos from the opera house, i will not post clips of me singing with paul kelly from melbourne, or pictures of my ninja gigs in clothing stores in brisbane, or clips of me & mikelangelo and a boy dressed like a pirate who goes by the name of georgie but i think whose name is sebastian signing “blitzkrieg bop” off someone’s iPhone to accordion and ukulele in an art gallery in front of a giant photo of a naked girl.
i will not post about the evelyn evelyn record pre-order and all of your questions, i will not post about traveling to byron bay and the beautiful sea and the shooting stars i saw and the new accordion song mikelangelo wrote and how we made everybody waltz to leonard choen and i will not write about the fringe in adelaide and the wonderful shows i saw and i will not post links to all the amazing musicians i’ve been making music with and i will not talk about the girl in bangalow who sat next to me with a book of sheet music and turned the pages so i could sing a song i couldn’t remember and i won’t talk about how i played barefoot there and how nice ladies made us fresh chai and i won’t talk about any of that. i’m going to give it a rest, because that’s all i ever talk about in my fucking blog and i don’t talk about it; my life, as blogged.

that’s what my life looks like. i do a very good job of projecting it and selecting the photos that capture the highest essence of the party, the way we all do.
and i create my own image, for you, because i want you to love me, of course, and i run my own existence as a business of love and joy and greed like we all sort of do and what do you know…generally it works very well.

right now i’m tired, and i just lifted myself out of the first full-blown depression i’ve fallen into in years.
it scared the shit out of me. now it’s gone, so i can think about it.

i was riding on fumes and coffee and manic energy until i hit new zealand and the minute i landed i just crashed, and i crashed and the ground was hard and pebbly, and i hurt myself.
i had absolutely no energy to do fucking anything. my mind went blank. i couldn’t focus on work, i couldn’t smile, i couldn’t hold up a decent conversation.
i just wanted to go back to bed all the time. i wondered if i was sick.

all this coincided, not coincidentally, with meeting back up with neil.
himself didn’t depress me, but i felt doubly depressed that i was obviously hitting my own tour wall and i didn’t want to be a downer in the short time we had together.
so i stayed as quiet as possible. which never works.

i’ve gotten so used to being on my own and negotiating my own moods and ups and downs on my own terms, sitting in corners of cafes and letting the dark clouds pass.

this is why i was very happy to be single for so long; i didn’t like inflicting myself on others. i liked my love affair with the Whole World, because the Whole World didn’t miss me very much when i ducked into the basement for a few days to write. or sulk. or go on a stupid bender of carelessness and non-health. and the Whole World would happily embrace me, having hardly noticed my absence, when i returned to be the life of the party. and i’ve always found myself in relationships where i start feeling the shackles of doom tying down my hands, and the basement doors swinging wide.

neil is about the most accommodating partner i’ve ever had. but i still, in my infinite selfishness, want the freedom to do all things at all times with no questions asked and nobody to report to and no alarms and no surprises and a handshake of carbon monoxide thank you very much no longer empty like a cat on a stick…etc. you know. i’m an impulsive little twit. i’ve spent my whole life trying to carefully construct a pattern of architecture around my days and nights that allows this compulsion to create joy and not sorrow and hopefully a minimal amount of stress on the world and it’s inhabitants (ninja gig, anyone? please bring beer and cupcakes.)

i want EVERYTHING.

but even more

I want to be Alone with the Whole World.

does that make sense?

neil, though, he understands this very, very well at some level, because at some level he’s been dating the Whole World for years.
this is, i think, one of the reasons we love each other so much.
i said, the other night: i’m already in a relationship, a really hardcore one, but it’s open. you know…she doesn’t mind if i see other people.
the only problem i have with your lover, he said, is that she’s kind of obsessed with you.
but, he added, she’s had you her whole life. and she’ll have you after i’m gone.
she likes you, i said, she’s just really possessive. she’s really irritating. and she talks too much.

we’ll work it out, he said.

i love him so much.

and so we will. i have a deep instinct that it’ll be fine. a pain in the ass, but fine.
we’re hitting that point in the relationship where the heavy lifting comes in. we don’t see each other enough, which is great and terrible.
we’re building our relationship over the phone and in bursts of compressed time a few days a month. it seems crazy. but it works, when it does. and when it doesn’t, it’s the same sort of not-working that brenda from the bank and steven from the station have to collide with when they gleefully collapse into each other’s arms on friday night after working their monotonous 9-5 jobs and after 15 minutes can’t fucking agree on whether to go out or stay in or what fucking video to rent. same shit, different backdrop. we all have our bad habits. my habit is a criminal need for freedom.

and this habit of mine not only makes deep love relationships with Amanda Palmer trying at best for most normal people (thankfully neil is not so normal so it works pretty well); it also makes me very frustrating to work with. my team will get a laundry list of marching instructions from me and then i’ll disappear for 5 days on a crazed project that has nothing to do with any current tasks at
hand. it makes me, more or less, unmanageable, since i am managing myself…second to second. the only thing i can hope for is that my team can manage, with some degree of accuracy, how to harness the windmills and solar panels to make use of the predictably unpredictable sunshine-and-hurricane-pattern that is amanda palmer’s carefree existence.

I AM EL FUCKING NIÑO
and for those of you who don’t HABLA ESPANOL
EL FUCKING NIÑO is spanish for
THE FUCKING NIÑO

i am a herd of cats and a drunk shepherd with alzheimer’s all at once.

i am the walrus.

i kicked myself out.
i stopped drinking coffee for a few days and went through a withdrawal. for real.
i had never thought coffee was so SERIOUS. that shit is lethal. my coffee withdrawal was a small-scale version of that terrifying trainspotting sequence with the freak-ghost-baby crawling on the ceiling.

i got back on my mat and practiced and sat.

i still have so much to learn.

i did get one present that made me really happy at just the right time (from the australian boy-as-pirate named sebastian who sang “blitzkrieg bop” with us, as a matter of fact, and he gave it to me totally independent of the fact that i made him get up and sing with us) that i wanted to show you. it came in a brown envelope and i expected it to me a long letter but instead it was just this.

a medal.

01
that is an empty passion fruit in the background, so you know. it wasn’t meant to be ironic or symbolic.

i had to play a gig during this nasty depressed few days, in wellington. if you watch the first few clips (which i will not post here, because this is not that kind of blog), you’ll see a dead face.
then i come alive. i always do, it’s very hard not too.
i’ve had to do that a lot.
when brian and i were driving each other nutso in the band, i’d sometimes feel like we were a twosome let loose on a fucking day pass to entertain the masses.
but there were very few shows where i couldn’t pull my shit together pretty quickly.

in wellington i started the show by giving away the fruit from backstage. that helped.

nobody was going to eat it anyway.

playing for humans who want to hear me usually burns off the bad energy like spattering water on a hot skillet.
sometimes it takes an entire show. playing a gig in a bad mood to humans who DON’T want to hear you (for instance, when supporting pretty much anybody on tour) is like Death.

i remembered my last wellington gig from exactly one year before, to the day.
in the same club.
same dressing room, same promotor, groundhog day.
and last year, i was in a shit mood as well. i was in such a shit mood i wrote a little ukulele song about it called new zealand, which i am not going to post a link to here because goddamit this is not that kind of blog. i wouldn’t have remembered being in a shit mood had i not written that funny little song backstage. but i did.
here are the words. it can be THAT kind of blog:

new zealand new zealand 
you’ve caught me on a awful day
my little life is all fucked up
my psyche is in dissaray

new zealand new zealand
i wish i could enjoy you more
i wish i had more time         
to see your cliffsides & your blackened shores

new zealand new zealand 
i don’t know why i tour this way
trapped inside an aeroplane and 
twittering the scenery

new zealand new zealand 
i feel like shit what can i say
my period is 6 days late
my pubic hair is turning gray

but i don’t believe in the beauty standard 
and theres no way that i’m pregnant
so it’s technically
ok

everything is so beautiful here
the people on cuba street drinking their beer
i wish i could stay here and never go home
i wish i could be just like holly hunter in the piano
and not have to talk to anyone even though there’s nothing wrong with my voice
and just play piano and make love to hot local boys 

new zealand new zealand
you caught me at the end of tour 
my willpower’s collapsing 
and i cannot do this anymore

new zealand new zealand
my song is coming to an end
i hope you have enjoyed it 
and i also hope i get my period

i also hope i haven’t grossed you out 
but that’s what you get when you ask me to write a song about your country in twenty minutes

(ok, i take it back. here’s a link to last year’s performance. i’m sorry. i can’t help it. wait a second. fuck that. google it if you care enough. i am sticking by my principals. yes i am.)

anyway, it really depressed the fuck out of me, to sing this song again one year later.
it was like: here you are, a year later, in the same fucking club, playing the same songs, in the same shit mood. what gives, palmer?

at least this time my period wasn’t late.
hoorah.

but it really did start to make me feel slightly crazy.

and that reminds me.

something awful happened a few months ago, when i was in france. i don’t think i told you this. i was too busy posting happy pictures.

i played a small show outside of bordeaux in a town called mont-de-marsin.
i’d never played there before, and i was looking forward to a happy little day trip in the sunny south of france.
WRONG – i was in a shit mood, tired out as usual, and it was a shit trip and it was freezing. never mind.
i got there with my friend geeta (both of us had comically lost our ATM cards and were reveling in our stupid plight).
i was chatting with the promotor, who gave us a lift to the club from the train station, about how pleased i was to be playing mont-de-marsin for the first time.

but ahmandah, she said, frenchly, you haff bean playing ere some years ago!

i was quite embarrassed.

really? i asked.

not only had i bean playing ere some years ago, i had, according to the promotor, played THIS EXACT same club some years ago, with the dolls.

that didn’t worry me. it happens all the time.
you’d be surprised, but really it does. i’ll roll into a town and into a venue and a whole series of memories will come flooding back.
o THIS place!!! right. dressing rooms over there, bathroom there, this stage, this sound guy, this whole thing. right.
all the details were hidden away somewhere but not attached to the name of the town, or the venue.

except this time, to my horror, i walked in, expecting my memory to be quickly jogged, for everything to look familiar suddenly…and it didn’t.
i didn’t recognize the entrance, the stage, the backstage, the kitchen….nothing. i thought there must be some kind of fucked up misunderstanding but there, plain as day, was a huge dresden dolls poster, signed and stuck to the wall. i wanted to cry.

I DON’T REMEMBER THIS.

when i thought about it, i figured out what must have happened. the darkest days of the dresden dolls – what i would dub our Shittiest And Most Emotionally Fucked Tour Ever 2006, ran us through france. and i must have been in some sort of blackout. but my own mind frightens me. it loses details, people, names, faces, daily. can it lose an entire city like that?

i guess so.

my hour is up. this is lucky. i would continue to write about my woes and probably get increasingly more wanky for another hour were it not time to go to soundcheck.

and later i’ll come back and tell you all about the musical magicalness, and the pirates, and cabages and kings and all that.

by the way, because people have been asking me all the time:
yes, i do read the comments you guys leave on the blog.
if you have something really, really important to relate or it’s private it’s better to email: letters (at) amandapalmer (dot) net.

and i’m out.

and so you know, i love you.

x
AFP (and the fluffy cat, whose name is “gudrun drofn”, which means “god rune” in icelandic, which has a whole backstory but you’ll have to ask hera about that.
and with that, i will break my fucking blog rule and post a link to her site, because she and her cats and her music are awesome: www.herasings.com. i am strong. i break rules. i am free.)
02

i wish i could enjoy you more.

Cross-posted to MySpace

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  • Miss.Ari

    San Diego misses you. Come back to us my love.

  • Amber Hardaker

    Don’t be sad Amanda. We love you. This is my first AFP gig. If you’re sad I’ll be sad. Be happy cos peanut slabs are yum and vegemite is inferior to marmite and auckland is a magical city filled with cobbeled laneways that lead to cute boutique stores and dimly lit coffee shops that have small round tables and pretty girls sipping out of dainty mugs.
    and you’re my hero.
    Everyone feels like trainwreck sometimes.
    But my dear, it’s the trainwrecks that make the front page.
    ciao bella
    amber x

  • Clare

    Aw Amanda, I wish you could have enjoyed us more too. But I admire you so much for still getting up there and giving us a kickass show. You really are wonderful.

  • barnitka

    I do hope you’ll get out of the dark-daze by Glasgow. We’re making the whole trip there from Poland (my parents) and Ghana (me) just for the sake of EvEv, so you’d better be good!! :)

  • megan

    i love you.
    be happy.
    x.

  • Kayla

    Thank you for sharing this. It may be kind of morbid but reading this made me feel better about my own fucked up feelings/situations. You make yourself so relatable about things that I normally don’t think I could relate to.

  • guest

    I’ve never posted here before, I don’t think. Just wanted to say that the medal is right, and you deserve it.

    I don’t know how to talk to famous people. I always screw it up. Hell, I don’t know how to talk to regular people. But I wanted to say that “Runs in the Family” is a song that reached in and stuck a fishhook in my innards and yanked, hard. Thank you for writing it, and for all the rest.

  • Lani

    Amanda, I love you so much. Your talking about how you’re having a love affair with the Whole Wide World, how you like to check out and having someone you’re in a relationship with is hard- I’ve been going through that exactly. I’m in Oregon, and she’s in Ohio, and I had a ridiculously long, crying sort of phone conversation over this exact thing just today. It makes me feel so relieved to see that you’re having these problems, but that you are still still strong, and break rules, and are free. You inspire me to be that way. Reading your blog feels like such a personal thing, like you’re somehow channeling exactly what I need to hear. Depression is a bitch. I’m glad you pulled out of it. I love you.

  • http://twitter.com/bardic_lady Vavia

    Thank you for being honest. It helps me feel I’m not so alone on my dark and fucked up days.

  • corrie0

    i’ve had a shitty stressful day, or year, whatever, and i’ve also had one too many beers to write what i might otherwise write, but. this blog makes me love you.. i already did but it makes me moreso because, i don’t know. it makes you that much more relatable and.. like i said, i’m not in the right state to write much more, so i won’t ramble anymore but thankyou.

  • FrumiousMe

    I’ll see you tomorrow in Auckland. I love how you’re alive – up and down, good and bad, happy and sad. It’s real (how can it not be?). You live, as so many of us do not. You make the world better.

    x

  • mandaferbet

    Oh Amanda! I’ve been WAAAYYY out of the loop of your life and have missed so much! So saddened to hear about the depressed you…but happy to know you are on the mend! It’s nice to have someone in your life that understands YOU, the crazy, chaotic, demanding you. And yes…your lover-the world-me-the fans…will be with you forever!!! I’ve missed you…even though we’ve only met once…I’ve missed reading about you…keeping up via your blogs. I will do better-maybe then the things I read won’t be such a shock! Chin up kid! I’m still keeping my fingers crossed that you will decide to visit KC again soon!

  • KaylaConspiracy

    “I want to be Alone with the Whole World.

    does that make sense?”

    Absolutely. You read my mind somehow.

  • gabakulka

    Thank you so much for writing this – I read it and I find bits of my own feelings and experiences, and it makes me stronger and happier and more HERE. I’ve never toured as extensively as you, but I remeber what the longest tour I went on – did. I was incredibly happy, and wanting to share every snippet, every picture, every experience, but wouldn’t know how to do it without sharing how deeply sad, fucked up, even desperate I felt at the very same time. It’s hard – you try to make yourself into that persona of a whirlwind of joy and awesomeness and a lot of expeirences fuell that image. But you feel dishonest when you don’t show the lining, or sometimes, maybe, the price of being just that. Thank you. You are amazing.

  • mirahall

    you are seemingly human and humane, and pure. that you write about periods and pregnancies and engage so completely in such an honest and true to yourself kind of way is charming. I hope that you feel better. we all have ups and downs, and I know that I can relate to wanting to leave everything to embrace the whole wide world and let her completely consume me. Luckily I also have a very tolerant partner. He seems to think my affair with the world is amusing, and he lets me free while only getting sulky occasionally.
    Whenever I feel particularly trapped I listen to your Momus cover of “I want you, but I don’t need you” and it makes me feel infinitely better. I just wish that there was an itune version so I didn’t always have to go to youtube for my fix. Good wishes to you!

  • stella_mcqueen

    Amanda, you were probably too tired to remember but I spoke to you after the Wellington gig, told you that you are looking so much happier and healthier this time than the previous two years. I can even see it on youtube videos from other recent gigs.

    It was the same club and the same songs, yes, but a much happier girl overall, even if she was still having a bad day.

  • insignifikunt

    I just typed out a rather lengthy comment that probably made sense only in my mind so I deleted it and will just write…

    Even though feeling that deeply depressed is total balls, it means you’ll truly appreciate the times you do feel good. The deeper you feel sadness, the deeper you’ll feel happiness…

    Like the medal says; you really do make the world a better place for so many people, and I hope that knowing how positive your influence is on those people, makes you feel even a smidgen better when you are depressed…

    Lets hope next year if you do come back for an extended period, that you move slow enough to be able to enjoy down under more and not get mind fucked in the process!

    Love to you…

    x

    p.s. it may have been the same venue and same songs, but life changes always. Your career has soared this past year and although there are still the fucking tools out there who have to have their say, those who get you REALLY get you and the amount of people who get you is growing. I’ve read all the reviews from Oz street press (I work in publicity so get every state delivered to me) and every single review is a positive one that mentions how adoring your fans are. No one else in this industry has that. Believe me. People appreciate their favourite artist’s music, but no one else has a fan base that appreciates them as much as yours appreciates you, and rightly so. You go above and beyond…

    • grahaminoz

      Agree totally with your PS

  • letamirage

    Thanks Amanda. Dark days are hard, you are loved pls always remember. Reading always gets me through my black times, AFP karaoke in the car does too (which no one ever needs to hear)

  • Alanna

    Amanda, you are amazing! I wish you could enjoy NZ more because it is aweome. Thank you so much for being here even though you feel shitty! Because I know it made a whole lot of people feel a lot less shitty just to see you, even in a bad mood (I didn’t notice at all). So THANK YOU! Im glad you feel better now and hope NZ isn’t just cursed and makes you feel bad.

  • raliel

    expect hugs and happiness when you come to london…..
    just remember that we are all here to support you
    and there are hundreds of little elephants waiting
    …..Raliel

  • catherinegeorge

    Amand amanda!!! It’s not just you- it’s the weather here, it’s just turning autumn and we’re all getting tired and blah! (I blame a lot on the weather….)
    I’m coming to see you tomorrow and i know it will be great – no expectations – just be you.
    I will bring cabbages to the kings (arms) tomorrow.
    Well, actually, that would be ridiculous, so I won’t. But we’ve been looking forward to seeing you for ages, so I’m really sorry you are hitting this now. And you were so great on Kim Hill!!! Hope you didn’t use up your energy on her….

    See you tomorrow – you will be you. And that will be right.

  • http://twitter.com/soundasleep Jevon

    I wasn’t going to leave a comment (and my browser almost just ate it!!), but your ending paragraphs changed my mind. Thank you for writing this entry! I connect with it on far too many freaky levels. I saw you in Wellington this year (and last year (and the Dolls show before that)) — thank you for writing about the show, connecting the two together has blown my mind out somewhat.

    I too lose track of things I’ve done in the past, and it terrifies me as well. I try to combat it by doing something unique and different during every moment I want to remember.

    Also New Zealand loves you too. I am glad you like visiting Australia so much :-). Make sure to visit the West Coast of NZ if you can!

  • Connie

    Take the time you need to chill and sit back and know it’s good and healthy to do those things. Burning the candle at both ends is definitely something you should avoid.

  • underthegarden

    We have so much in common. I don’t know what else to say besides that.

    Memory. I was told by a nutritionist that lack of . . . something hurts the memory. So ironically, I can’t remember. Luckily, through the power of Wikipedia, I can still give you info about it: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Memory#Improving_memory

    I love you, Amanda. I’m glad you’re feeling better.

  • rosietheriveter

    Firewater. The Golden Hour. Feel like shit? Listen to Firewater. They make me feel better every time.
    “6:45 and the sun cuts the sky and the clouds are still bleeding……”
    DO check them out, if you haven’t already.

  • Richard Gadsden

    Mont-de-Marsin sounds like jamais vu – it’s the opposite of deja vu, and it’s completely weird, but if someone come up with a name for it then there must be other people with the problem too. I always find that reassuring.

  • Jessie

    amanda, thanks for this post <3 i'm sorry your wellington weekend was so rubbish, but thank you for the amazing show, thank you for signing, thank you for taking photos and thank you for giving so much
    i feel so lucky that, even on an über shit day, two years in a row, you still gave us your all in wellington
    last march 12 you played wellington at the end of tour- and it got me through this last year it got me through it all and im so grateful for that and for this march 12
    amanda you inspire me, you make ME better, and you definitely make the world better
    lots of love

  • garry

    ..if it is of any worth my love goes to you in thought and the biggest hug. your openness never ceases to amaze me.
    my myspace page says i admire strong women and mothers. it should also say women who hurt and go on trying. i live with someone who suffers from depression seriously and has done for a loooong time and people like you dear afp telling your story makes more people understand and be sympathetic. as john irving once wrote “keep passing the open windows” he also wrote
    “It is hard work and great art to make life not so serious.”

    may you always wake surrounded by light, friends who care, creativity, strength, vulnerability and the incredible ability to be afp so wholly and so damn wonderfully to us all.
    good luck, good wishes, good karma.
    love crooky, kiama – australia. x0x x0x

  • Annaliese

    You could easily just blog this shit in a journal, therefore keeping it private, possibly just put pictures of you dancing naked on the streets of Wichita….I have no fucking clue if that’s a place. It popped into my head and sounded like someplace I’d never go, but might end up.

    But you share it, openly with the world.
    Amanda, you are never going to be alone with the whole world. She’s always going to make sure you have people in your life. And if there’s no people, a dog is going to walk up to you in the streets and either depending on its mood, piss on you, or rub its head against your knee.
    Kind of a metaphor for humanity.

    “I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness, starving hysterical naked,
    dragging themselves through the negro streets at dawn looking for an angry fix,
    angelheaded hipsters burning for the heavenly connection to the starry dynamo in the
    machinery of the night…”

  • MelissaM123

    I replied to this on shadowbox but i’ll say it again.. despite the drama surrounding a certain musical endeavour you are fucking adored beyond comprehension. Your music seems to say a lot that I want to say and with a confidence I doubt i’ll ever have.
    I have never met an artist who’s been so accessible, genuine and warm to her fans – we will always value that, no matter what happens.
    Those days in Adelaide were amongst the happiest in my life and I hope when you come back here you have twice the fun at half the pace :)
    I hope the rest of the tour treats you kindly.. I wish you peace and lot of huge hugs.

    Mel

  • http://brassycassy.deviantart.com BrassyCassy

    Even though I’m sad that you’re depressed, it’s such a relief to know that it happens to you too. Please, don’t ever stop blogging about your feelings, because sometimes I feel like that’s the only thing that gets me through my own.

    <3

  • Kris Nelson

    So sorry to hear about your darker days – par for the course? Recent watching of Peter Gabriel: A Family Portrait revealed that when they fly by private jet to arena after arena, they all start to blur together because the venues were so similar! I can imagine how it must be for older bands who have racked up over a thousand shows – it’s no wonder there is some loss of individual recognition. It might be like when you write the same word over and over again and suddenly it starts to look alien. This is actually great because it means you get to experience it anew. Robert Anton Wilson once said “If Clarity is your ultimate goal, have fun with Confusion”

    Have fun dear.

  • Jessy McShane

    you should read the book . radical acceptance. by tara brach

  • http://blog.themerchgirl.net Creatrix Tiara

    aww honey. You and I are very similar relationship wise, with the need for freedom and not really knowing what to do with accommodating boyfriends and having depressive spurts and all that. I broke up twice with my boyfriend (who is currently in front of me watching Numb3rs on his computer, something about a mailbomb) because I thought “omg! what if I go overseas for a circus troupe and we don’t get to talk! or I get deported! I’M STILL SO YOUNG” (we’re from diff countries). I didn’t want him to suffer me and my depression and my madness. But he stuck around. He still loves me. Even when I do stupid stuff like…well, I won’t reveal them here, but there has been stupid stuff.

    is your medal-awarding sebastian from brisbane? has a penchant for hats? I might know him.

    love to you, from someone in a very similar situation. man memory blackouts are scary. i watched memento and the buffy episode where she’s in a mental institution and I have this massive fear that everything I know is made up. It scares me.

    *hugs* <3 <3 <3

    also thank you for that vegemite song. finally someone who understands my plight! my boyfriend and I have this conversation damn near every day. argh!

  • http://twitter.com/Cirrata Cirrata

    This is my first time commenting but I’ve been reading your blog for a while. I admit to being one of Neil’s fans who wondered, who is exactly is it that has captured the heart of my favorite author. And as I followed you on Twitter and began reading your blog (and going back and reading older blog entries nearly an entire night) I see why he (and the World) love you.

    Your bare-bones approach to everything is one of the most courageous things I’ve seen in a long time.

    You remind me of an ee cummings quote (lit major here, everything reminds me of a quote)

    to be nobody-but-myself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make me everybody else means, to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight, and never stop fighting.
    –ee cummings

    The World loves you. Hang in there.

    • teespirit

      I seriously love that ee cummings quote. I painted it on a bathroom door once.

      • Cirrata

        I love it as well :) It was my senior quote when I graduated high school and I’ve kept it written on a piece of paper in my wallet ever since

  • Teddy

    Hi Amanda, I’m so sorry to hear that you’re in a terrible mood when we’re all feeling like kids on Christmas Eve, unable to sleep because we’re so excited about tomorrow! But I thought I’d offer the suggestion that NZ is maybe just a depressing place. I have a lot of subjective experience in this area, (Living overseas and then coming back, it appeared that everyone wore black and scowled a lot) but some vague handwavey statistics support the theory too – New Zealand has a high prevalence of anxiety, mood and substance abuse disorders, which are exceeded only by the US for anxiety (14.7% compared with 18.2%).

    On the other hand, we also smoke a LOT of pot. I think we came third in a recent UN study. Possibly to combat the ill tides of depression that come from living a million miles from everybody else and having vegemite for breakfast every day. :(

    In any case, I sympathize with your plight, and will endeavour to bring you delicious treats to make up for it (if I’m not too drunk). i may however cause more deja vu, as I’m gonna try to get you to sign the same damn black opera glove you signed for me last year. Sry, much love xx

  • r3em4

    The experience of reading this entry reminded me of a passage from the History Boys:

    “The best moments of reading are when you come across something — a thought, a feeling, a way of looking at things — which you had thought special and particular to you. Now here it is, set down by someone else, a person you have never met. And it is as if a hand has come out and taken yours.”

    I totally find it easier to cope with things when I read about people I admire coping with similar things.

  • http://twitter.com/fallen_woman Flor

    Somehow, very, very selfishly, I feel heartened that you haven’t quite got it all figured out either. We make it up as we go along. We evolve into ourselves and then look back and find that we’ve been who wanted to be all along. Then we push forward, give birth to ourselves and keep.fucking.going.

    *hug*

  • CourtneyFG

    You are a very special woman, and the whole world loves you! you are truly lucky that your narcissistic need for love comes so easily,just by just simply standing up on stage in front of hundreds of people who love you would kind of be an instant gratification i guess.

    if you love something, set it free and if it comes back you are lucky

    you have set yourself free. just remember to take care.

  • TiPa Tank

    This is “folk medicine” from a long line of Welsh/Scottish witches, but I’ve seen it work over and over: depression responds to milk, especially in green-eyed people. The modern explanation is possibly that those who tolerate lactose (mainly of European and East African ancestry) carry a mutation that might make them especially susceptible to the mood-boosting effects of the casein in milk; because casein affects the brain’s opiate receptors, lack of it can induce withdrawal symptoms PLUS depression in those who are used to having it. Perhaps you took milk in your tea/coffee and then suddenly did without it, adding casein withdrawal to caffeine withdrawal.

    In any case, the old lore’s prescription is to drink a quart of milk initially and then get at least a cupful a day until you feel better, after which you can wean yourself from it slowly, if you like. New Zealand has wonderful grass-fed, humanely raised cattle that produce excellent dairy products (I even use their Red Feather canned butter and cheese here in Arizona, both because they are great and because the local dairy industry is brutal).

    I hope that you’ll feel much better very soon indeed. Your work is of great importance to so many of us–but so are YOU.

  • Mandaz087

    thank you for writing this. sometimes its easy to think that the whole world is laughing without you because everyone always looks happy in photos. and its easy to think that youre the only one who gets into dark moods because everyone is always smiling. and its easy to think that youre alone because no one gets it. and then you read something like this. and you look back at your own smiling photos. and you think that maybe everything is going to be okay afterall. thank you for being happy. but fucking especially thank you for letting us see the sad.

  • waterwhore

    How amazing to be loved by a world that honestly gives a shit for your well being when more often than not it turns a blind eye to anything that does not directly involve us or benefit us as individuals. It will never be as easy as ‘cheer up my love’ , as self discovery through emotional distress is an evil whore, but the only true means of growth, and questioning oneself often opens a plethora of unanswered, perhaps unanswerable questions…but alas I am shit babbling..
    So….’cheer up my love’, and relish the thought you are loved as much as you love

    x Sheen

  • nefariousplot

    Geeze!! Take a break! Meet Neil somewhere secret and hide out in a kitchy little bed and breakfast or a huge centuries old building-turned hotel for a week! Rejuvenate yourself. We all must sometimes. Turn off the internet and the news and go strolling under some flowering trees! We will all still love you, and the world will be lighter and brighter and your heart will be happier.
    You are working at break-neck speed, and no one can keep that up constantly, not even Amanda Fucking Palmer. Nor should you have to.

  • her

    Ease up on yourself. We don’t love you because it’s all roses and light. (and I hope that that love does not feel selfish from your end). We love you because you forgot a sponge once. No, that’d be creepy…. because you’re human. Your shadows make you beautiful.

    I think I saw that something coming in the signing line in Bris. Just a glance, then the game face was back (for a moment I had the urge to offer you my bed to hide under for a week or two). Either that or I suddenly grew 6 heads – it’s been known to happen and boy do signals get crossed. I’m glad the worst is over for you.

    Medal boy is right. Something you created helps me find strength when I’m too numb to believe in anything anymore. It’s my haven. Thank you. I just wish we could be that for you.

    • Lilu1414

      “It’s my haven. Thank you. I just wish we could be that for you.”
      Ditto….fucking ditto.
      Love you.

      • tweedbleed

        Double ditto <3

  • Ryan_Anas

    Wow, this is so beautiful, and so honest. Your words never fail to touch me. I really understand what you mean about not wanting to make someone suffer your storm clouds. There is something about being in that place that just cries to be alone. Feeling responsible for another’s feelings when you are fighting so hard to deal with your own is maybe the hardest work of a relationship. Neil really sounds like he understands you like no one else has, and more importantly, it sounds like he is ready to do the real work that a relationship takes. It sounds like you are ready to do that too. I may have said this before, but I am so happy that you have each other.

    I think all humans are impulsive little twits. It’s not just you! The difference is you have come to know and accept this fact about yourself and decided to make something beautiful of it. Yes, this causes more problems for you than the husband who sneaks behind the house and sparks a J once in a while, but embracing all of life with passion and creating something wonderful seems to be your forte. It comes with it’s own set of woes, but the benefits =D

    Blacking out is a little scary. I’ve always prided myself on having a great memory, but every once in a while I’ll be talking with a friend and realize I’ve forgotten an entire day we spent together, or a movie we saw. And as she talks about it, I expect the memory flood to come, and it doesn’t. Eep! I guess our brain is more like RAM and less like a hard drive. Some things just have to go, eventually. That’s really sad and kind of scary to me, but I guess it’s best not to fight it, that only seems to make things worse.

    Amanda, I love you. You can make me smile in my darkest of cafe corners and I only hope to send that joy back to you. Thank you for your honesty, and wear that metal with honor. It is very true.

    <3Ry

  • teespirit

    there is great value in depression, as long as we remember that it will transform – it is not permanent. not being afraid of, or trying to get rid of, feeling depressed and sad brings amazing benefits. in this world, if there is anyone out there who does not occasionally become depressed, i’d wonder if they had a soul at all! the deepened compassion that depression brings inspires us to create more and more beauty and joy for everyone. that’s a ‘yes’ to life. love you!

  • sharanshiv

    ;) xxx

  • http://sequinissues.tumblr.com/ sequinissues

    Oh, Amanda.

    We all love you anyway. In spite of. Because of.

  • Guest

    Certainly it is ok to have dark clouds and to give yourself the time to let them pass. You know this already (and wouldn’t have written this blog if you didn’t).

    Thanks for being a good role model that we are all human and nobody is a super happy fun time link/smiley picture posting automaton 100% of the time. If you were, you’d be no better than someone who has precisely 15 minutes of fame instead of the thinking person’s musician that you are.

    also, the best relationships ARE built around not having to act like the emperor has clothes on when he doesn’t. sounds like you have that. you are lucky and your beau should feel lucky he does not have to pretend either. What a huge relief that would be to more people than you can imagine. that and the distance that allows for far less contempt to build up and much fonder reunions to occur. Really.

    thanks for your thoughts. I have no doubt many thousands relate and appreciate.

  • http://spacedlaw.blogspot.com/ Nathalie

    I love you.

  • Adelle

    knowing all too well the doldrums of depression and completely agreeing with your sentiment to not inflict your downtimes on other people, I really really appreciate your candor. Feel better when you can.

  • ashley ann

    “People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that’s bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they’re afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they’re wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It’s all in how you carry it. That’s what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you’re letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain.”
    — Jim Morrison
    i love you not only for the amazing party pix and links you indunge us with but for your honesty- when you break down and are real with us it makes me love you even more. your blogs run the same as your music for me, it lets me know im not alone.

  • chapeskie

    So, I’ve been trying to figure out just why (aside from the fact that you’re simply brilliant and gorgeous and amazing) your music and your writing (blogs, twitter etc..) have touched me so deeply and then along comes this blog and bang, you do it again. I can relate to what you say, what you think, because so often, it’s exactly what I’ve been trying to say but haven’t actually found the words or ideas to capture it yet (or, if I have, reading your view offers me even more insight into what I’ve already thought and felt and said).

    Some people live happy shiny lives with the odd bump in the road but generally something resembling the folks on [insert generic middle-American sit-com title here], but some of us don’t. We fight the good fight to live the lives we want, not the lives we’re ‘supposed’ to live, we connect and feel and live on a deeper level and in a more intimate and passionate way; we drink deeply from the well of all that the world has to offer and revel in it on our own terms.

    And sometimes we pay the price for that kind of living.

    The water in that well can be sweet and good and after drinking our fill we feel absolutely wonderful, energized, vibrant, elated and satisfied. Sometimes, we drink too much and, like all good binges and benders, the high eventually has to end and we have to crash into that hangover hard and fast. At the worst times, the water can also be dark and toxic, leaving us weak and sick and tied down with the weight of all that we feel.

    Some people call it a mood disorder, or worse, mental illness, but I see it as just another way of living in the world and while it is agony at times, it also offers ecstasy and vitality that I wouldn’t trade for a lifetime of middle-of-the-fucking-road-‘normality’. Even in the depths of my depressions, when I can barely drag myself out of bed and feel horribly guilty for burdening my loved ones with my darkness, I feel alive, I feel connected to something larger than myself and that’s what keeps me from giving in and letting go into the darkness.

    Moments of Life, when you look at someone, some piece of art, some thing of beauty, and feel it connect with something in you deep down in the guts of your soul, those are the moments that make the dark livable. Moments like reading your blog, or watching you on stage, and knowing that in that shared experience, I am watching you Live, watching you suck deeply from Life itself and rock the shit out of it, those are moments that matter. Art, love, sex, joy, if you feel them deeper and closer and more real, than you’re bound to feel the shitty stuff deeper and closer and more real too.

    And that’s why I’m absolutely captivated by you and what you do. As Kerouac put it, “because the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes ‘Awww!'”

    What Kerouac didn’t mention is that it’s hard fucking work living that kind of life; exhausting and frustrating work. Sometimes we get burnt by our own flames, sometimes we get burnt by the flames of others but as long as we keep burning and stay mad at least we won’t have given in. At least we will have Lived.

    I guess what I’m trying to say is that I hear you and empathize with everything you wrote and want to offer my idea that while the costs can be dear when they come, what you get in return is more than worth it.

    Wishing you comfort and light wherever you are.

    Peace and love.

  • Tea

    These comments are unbelievable. I read them and am touched by them. Amanda, so many people care about you and are sending you all their love and support. A whole community full of them. I’ve never even met these people yet I feel us as a “we.” We’ve got your back. We believe in you.

    • mattymunch

      i dont think you could have it better. WE.

      • http://www.lacostepoloshirtsonline.com cheap lacoste polos

        It makes me feel less alone with the sadness I carry inside of me all the time. I’m glad you’re feeling a little better and I’m also happy you have Neil

  • grahaminoz

    Thanks for a great night out in Brisbane – loved it all! I liked the reference to ‘She’s leaving home’ in your ‘Australia’ song, and glad you’re now through your brick wall.

  • KMcMuffin

    Amanda, I love you more than anything in the entire world. I want to make you happy, but I don’t know how, other than telling you that I love you. I really do.

  • Aliya

    Dear Amanda,

    What you have done, what you are doing, and what I know you will continue to do, will always be thought of with fondness, hope and love, no matter what fears you may have. Your compulsion to give joy has not gone unnoticed. It has, undeniably, touched so many lives. Please be proud and confident about this because we love you so much.

    Everything will be alright. there’s that saying: ‘Hearts will hold’ which definitely contains truth.
    Your heart, your soul, the very essence of your being cannot be destroyed,nor can they be lost, no matter how lost you may feel right now because you know how to love and you are loved. You have a drive to make something beautiful and you have found yourself a purpose. That will always be something to be proud of, and why that wonderful boy was totally right to give you the medal.

    It is okay to forget certain pages of the chapters within your life story, because you won’t have been forgotten and the memories of others (fans, friends, techies, important people with badges and nameplates etc) will surely revive what has been not lost, but misplaced in your mind. It’s when the whole story has been lost to every single character (be they friend or fan or stranger) , I think, that you become lost.

    I really hope we can read that you are smiling soon and that hope has returned fully-fledged into your heart.

    I’m really glad you and Neil have each other. It just puts another massive tonne of proof in my mind that love is real and pretty wonderful too.

    Tonight I’ll make a wish for you.
    <3

  • Jane

    http://dearamandapalmer.blogspot.com/2007/03/jane-ecdysiasts-everywhere-days.html

    wrote this a long time ago, but it seems applicable now.

  • dustbinflowers

    Thank you for last night in Anti-Christchurch (also known as Flatstabbytown). I have never seen you play, and I dragged my sick, snotty, flu-ridden carcasse out to see you at Al’s Bar, and it was all I hoped. Thank you!
    Next time you are here and you have a black dog biting you on the arse (and there is something about little old NZ that can do that- despite the scenery there is a darkness, a claustrophobic-agrophobicness about the place, where everyone asks if you like it with a weird desperateness), and you do have the time, try and get to somewhere like the West Coast or Fiordland. There is the same darkness, but in these places you can find you don’t matter. That always makes me feel better anyway…

    May your road always rise to you

  • Jerry

    You’re the cat’s pajamas. :)

  • UllaBest

    Dear Amanda,
    it’s a part of you. Without the dark side you wouldn’t be who you are and you probably wouldn’t have written all those songs. I think we all love the whole package that is you. And we won’t love you less if you take a break when you need it and if you don’t hear from us and we don’t hear from you. U

  • Ariel

    I like my grey pubic hair, along with my wrinkles and that fact that my belly is a little softer than it used to me no matter what I do. I’m 42, that stuff happens. And in those years I’ve gotten to live in England, Melbourne Aus and now California. I’ve had adventures, I continue to have adventures despite being married for nearly a year (trick is to marry one who comes on the adventures too and when he doesn’t says – have fun, I’ll be here when you get back – but I think you figured that one out already). So here’s to grey pubes, even just a few hairs. Shows us we’ve fucking lived.

  • fairbetty

    “one who doesn’t keep track of my emotions and the inner process of my life but just collects the awesomeness and filters it to you in a nice, cleverly packaged way.”

    Your emotions and your inner process are part of what I adore about you.

  • NotShauna

    I love you too. We’re all here for you. I’m here for you.

  • http://octopusgrrl.etsy.com/ octopusgrrl

    I’m really kinda glad now I didn’t approach you on Saturday evening at Neil’s talk, I’ve been beating myself about not taking the opportunity but you did seem a bit, I guess, colourless would probably be the best way to describe it. I can totally understand why, and I hope you can get some proper downtime soon. I know I’m not alone here when I say that you make the world a more awesome place, and I thank you from a deep place in my heart for your energy and passion and creativity and love. x

  • Meghan

    I have a shit memory so when I don’t remember being at a certain place at a certain time or the details of a book I read last month I take solace in the fact that the forgotten circumstance is floating around somewhere in my brain and, even though I can’t drum up the memory in my consciousness, it makes up part of who I am and what I have experienced of the world.

  • carlo

    wow, very very insightful blog
    I don’t really understand what it’s like to be so depressed or to totally forget people and places (never really left my small town) or to feel so emotionally fucked but if it helps at all here’s another person who wrote a comment to say they appreciate what you do and who you are. not just because I love your music, but you’re genuinely a badass person and make the world more badass just by being loud and proud and irreverent to any shit in the world the rest of us probably would just put up with
    i dunno, feel free to just take a day or week off and rest around in bed all day with Neil and a cat or two or watch a mindless action movie for once. not everything you do has to be artistically and mentally draining :) or iunno, get out and run around town with a couple friends,
    rest if you need to, move if you need to, make great art if you need to. just don’t do anything that would make you feel so shitty or depressed, it’s not worth it.
    but if it’s any consolation, you’re doing absolutely what you want to be doing in your life, moreso than most people I think, so so what if you forgot a place you played at, you were feeling shitty at the time, at least you didn’t let it affect your performance and made sure they all had a good time and never forgot you.
    and the whole new zealand thing, iunno, maybe new zealand’s just a really depressing place, too many sheep in one place, noone needs that many sheep, I think, whatever just don’t go there so much! :)

  • Lauren

    Oh, Amanda, I love you. We all love you. It’s nice to read some of your angsty blogs once in awhile, you’re human (an epically wonderful human in your case). Best of wishes, meine liebe. <3

  • thebirdsatelime

    Thank you for being out there and talking about being human, and doing for all of us, and showing your belly, and drinking red wine, and being real, in public, on show, because we can’t do this at the world, but someone has to.

  • Leishkin

    awww.. make me get all teared up why don’tcha.

    You poor thing. I hope that you know that we’ll always love you, whether you’re twittering away or hiding away, Everyone needs a break from prying eyes, from their family, from their friends… even those we love can sometimes drive us insane and us mere mortals only have our immediate family/close friends to worry about, whereas you have the entire internet watching your every move with baited breath. hoping for that ninja gig, blog, photo, or ustream.

    And you deliver. Constantly. It feels amazing to be a ‘part’ of your life even though you don’t know us all personally we FEEL like we know YOU personally and that makes me feel so privileged.

    I hope you don’t feel like you HAVE to do these things, that we will love you less if you give us less. We won’t, we’ll just appreciate whatever you do share with us, as ever.

    You’re amazing and awe inspiring and my fucking hero for how much you give to your fans, for how you do so much and are pulled in so many directions but remain so YOU.

    I hope to meet you one day but I have no idea how I could express in words what it means to be a part of your weird little world.

    Thank you for being so real. I hope you get some quality time with Neil soon, minus that damn interloping world ;)

    xoxox

  • MissDreamy

    You are fucking awesome. That’s all :) x

  • laurainnis

    I love reading your blogs and even more so when they’re poignant and make me cry, like this one. Not because I want you to be depressed, but because it makes me feel that I’m not alone in feeling like I feel sometimes, and even though I may never meet you, makes me feel connected to you. I love your honesty and your openness and the welcoming feeling you project.

    I hurt for you being depressed because I, like so many of your other fans, love you too. I want you to be happy and I want you to be free. I hope you can take a break and bounce back from all the travelling you’re doing so you can *enjoy* where you are and who you are and who you’re with – or not with.

    I’m so happy that you have Neil and he has you; you seem to be so perfectly matched and it’s rare to find that partner you really connect with. I feel like you do in not wanting to inflict myself on my husband, and he totally gets it when I need to be in my own space. Isn’t that what it’s all about, finding the person you can be you with – and they still love you anyway? For yourself or in spite of yourself. Either way, it’s grand.

    I hope you’re happy(ier) and I hope you’re well. I hope you get a chance to relax and do nothing for a few days and sink back into your skin. I love your music so much and hope you will always be able to perform
    for people who really want to hear you play.

    I think you should wear that medal every day.

    xxoo Laura

  • Lilu1414

    I love your work and know so many people who love and appreciate what you do. Your music has gotten me through deep depressions like the ones you described in the blog. I isolate to an extreme and just feel like everything is slower and somehow worse. Since I have started listening to your music, I have come out of the closet, changed schools to a catholic high school because of the reaction from public school, fell in love with some one who was completely selfish, gone to college, dealt with (and beat) addiction, nearly failed out of school, had a violent reactions to medications, was sick for a whole semester, and my parents just split up. It hasn’t all been bad. I only listed the hard things, but I also dove into my art (writing fiction/poetry/screenplays, singing, directing, etc). I was hesitant to really devote myself to what I love (writing) but I saw what you do for so many people, and looked back on what your music and your resilliance had done for me, and know that even if I am barely getting by financially and doing hard work for little return, that it will be worth it. I know that I can’t not write. I need it. I’ve made my peace with that, especially after going to your shows, meeting Beth and hearing about her extreme change in jobs, meeting Kayla and Jason at different events, I’ve also met friends at your shows that are in my situation which was a first for me. I live in a small suburban town in massachusetts where most of the residents are white republicans who end up going to school for business or science. I had never really seen someone happy in an artistic life. What I learned from being your fan is that it’s okay to constantly question and consider what I’m doing with my life and it’s all about doing what you love and communicating while also growing and changing.
    I guess you’ve been kind of an artistic role model for me,
    However, as a fan, I occasionally remind myself that while this is your job, you also have and deserve to have your own life. A life uninterrupted by the fans. A life that you shouldn’t feel obligated to broadcast. An as a fan, I understand that. As a person, I also understand that.
    As someone who considers you an artistic role model, I actually don’t expect anything. I hope that you will do what you love, what makes you happy. That is a main reason why I hold you in such high regard, You do what makes you happy with no unnecessary exceptions. You are completely and totally you. This is pretty rare nowadays, and I hope you will continue to be yourself, meaning the self you know and not the person the fans expect. None of us really know you personally, we have no right to expect anything.
    Just do what makes you happy.
    The real fans will love you for it.
    Feel free to devote yourself more to those who really do know you and who are your friends and family more than to the world and the fans. As a fanbase, we are very possessive and can be demanding, but we also realize that we have no claim over you. Your life is your own and not ours. Yes, we want to know you more, see you more, but we know that you are already much more generous with your fans than most.And we appreciate it. And we take a step back and realize that you are not married to us nor should you be. And us fans shouldn’t ask the world of you. You already give us your music, which is so amazing and really seems like a piece of you.
    I, as a fan, love you for you art and all you do.
    I, as a person, admire you for your honesty and integrity.
    But I don’t expect anything of you as a person or a fan.
    What you have given is above and beyond “enough”.
    I learned from your music and what you have shown fans of yourself, to do what makes me happy.
    The best you can do is what makes you happy. It’s bound to make others happy, whether that be your fiance or a hungry fanbase. It should be what delights you and doesn’t drive you more insane than usual, and what will keep you well as a person.
    If that means taking a break from the fans or from touring, go for it. I (and i’m sure others will as well) will admire you that much more for doing what makes you a happier person.
    Love,
    Samantha (PolitelyOffend)

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  • ThomasBePunkt

    Sorry, nothing left to say, that wasn’t said. Nothing that could help.
    Even wishing you well would be selfish, because I enjoy your…
    [and then I wanted to write “performance” but that doesn’t hit what I want to say. It’s your music, your voice, your closeness to your fans, the vulnerability you show here…]
    …because I enjoy YOU! (and no I’m not in love *gg*)

    In deed, you are fucking awesome.

  • http://alandryl.blogspot.com/ PhiloNerd

    I know that we all tell you that we love you and I know that you know that it is true… but I hope you feel it as well. I hope you know that I don’t just love your music, I love who you are as a person. I won’t pretend to be all stalkery and act like I actually know you but from the glimpses of yourself that you share, I gather that you are the closest thing to a role model I have ever or will ever have (don’t worry, I don’t actually have role models and I don’t hold you on a pedastal.. god, this is sounding more and more stalkery, lol).

    Anyway. My point is that you as a person are just as inspiring and amazing as the things you create and you don’t have to hide any of it or try to make us love you… The darker, more honest shit gets me more than some pictures of pirates every time. …. But I still would love to see the pirate pictures! =D

    Thank you, my not-actually-my-friend friend. For all the various ways you make me feel not so alone in the world.

    I hope you have a good day. :)

  • melissa

    you are my biggest inspiration to continue to be me.
    thank you amanda <3

  • L1ghtBulb

    I just realized that you often mention feeling cold. Depression, tiredness, forgetfulness, and feeling chilled (when most other people don’t) are all signs of reduced thyroid function. Some other symptoms are pallor, dry skin, thinning hair, fatigue, lethargy, constipation, heavy menstrual flow, and muscle aches. These are changes that sneak up on you slowly and increase gradually, for most people.

    If you see a pattern here, it’s worth having the simple blood test for hypothyroidism. The treatment is a cheap once-a-day pill that is generic and vegan, and it made a world of difference for me.

    Whether it’s this or something else that helps, I hope that you will soon feel improvement. Thank you so much for your honesty, in this post and so many others.

  • nlea

    Amanda, thank you. Thank you for sharing the downs along with the ups. Thank you for letting us get to know the complete you and not just the magical musical parts of you. I’ve never posted here before and I’m a relatively new reader but I felt the need to give you a great big cyber hug. It’s good to know you’re not alone in feelings like these, and you’re not. I’ve been ashamed in the past of my fleeting dreams of leaving everyone and everything I know and love behind to hide from the Universe itself, but that’s just part of what makes up part of this screwed up family of humanity. We’re social creatures and we need our space. We’re living oxymorons and we need each other even when we don’t want each other. Especially when we don’t. I have no idea where this is going anymore and I should probably just delete it and stick to something simple, but you opened yourself up to the Whole World, this speck of the world feels safe opening to you. Who knows, it could help.

    You’re loved Amanda. Everybody who’s posted before me is evidence of that. You’re loved not just for your music and your fame and your magicalness, but because you kick ass as a person. You make the world a better place through your kind spirit and your actions. Thank you for everything you do for us and for yourself and for those closest to you as well.

    ~

  • Lynne

    It’s o.k. to be physically ill like having the flu, a headache or a broken leg, but being mentally/emotionally different isn’t so o.k. There’s something inappropriate with being depressed or moody, or wanting to stay in bed all day… but really there isn’t. It’s the social stigma that surrounds people who can’t always plaster that smile on their face and participate in life the way we are expected to that says that’s not acceptable.

    Take your pills so you can get in line and be like everyone else. Buy that house. Marry that person. Don’t for get your tie. Have those kids. Attend that social get together and for heavens sake don’t forget to smile and laugh!

    How can we make it o.k. to be sad if we keep pretending it’s not happening? So thanks for sharing. If we were all more willing to share that sometimes people are sad or angry, we could let each other know it’s o.k. to take your “every thing’s fine” mask off for awhile and have a good sulk. I go through my I hate my life moments where I shut everyone out, I forget the details, I worry about how much I worry.

    Who cares what the “normal” people think, we’ll accept each other.

  • siorghra

    I sort of had a feeling you were going through something like that, and I’m so sorry. I’m glad you’re pulling through, and we’re all cheering for you.
    I love you and I hope you find more joy again soon. It’s in the little things, you know?

  • katharinegoldsbrough

    Amanda- I love your honesty! the New Zealand song-poem is great!!!Honesty is what its all about…will check out herasings music now…Gave Neil a copy of the CD I recorded when I was just a kid – 16 years old!! calld Teenage White Witch!I thought you might like a listen to0. Might cheer you up- seems like both your sort of thing…all the best and good luck with your period! well as you say Pregnant is the new Black.

  • philoSophie

    It’s good to know that our heroes can barely get out of bed some days, too.
    We love you, Amanda.

  • ZenJenn

    God I get so sad whenever I read your blogs. Regardless of the mood and tone they give off. It’s not your words that make me sad, (well, not most of the time) it’s the fact that, god dammit I can’t say anything to you.

    I love to write, I’m a writer but each and every word that I could offer you never comes to me when I sit here and start typing in this comment box. Each and every time I wish I could just say SOMETHING, ANYTHING that actually MATTERS. But everything runs blank and I’m stuck here, awe struck and completely silent.

    I also hate that I’m making this comment about ME, when I wish it could be all about you. I wish I could give you advice and tell you something that will make you remember this comment for the rest of your life then look back on it whenever you feel that slump.

    Instead I have squat. Instead I can say “I understand completely” and maybe I can try to add a word or two in that will make sense. But every time I do leave a comment I find myself deleting it before I can click that little send button because I find it so incredibly useless to even attempt to say anything to you that doesn’t sound stupid and ignorant to me.

    Agh. It’s so…just AGH. Not only two spaces down from here I wrote a 5 paragraph little story about myself and a friend to try to give you a different perspective, but in the end I deleted it again because I just found it to be useless to you. I can’t get into your head and know that for sure, but god dammit it felt like it.

    I’ll say this. I really really do love you. And I really, honestly do understand. And I wish I could help, or do SOMETHING that’s actually worth SOMETHING to you or your life. All I can do is buy your albums and listen to you religiously. I hope that’s enough, for now.

    ilu <3

    ~Jenn

    • philoSophie

      I do the EXACT SAME THING.
      It’s so annoying lol

  • ra_11

    wow. That blog has mind altering capabilities. I’m in a really weird mood now. I dunno how to describe it. All i know is that i love you even more xxx

  • reubenosborne

    (I really hope this doesn’t get lost amongst all the other comments. I have Ninja gig ideas!!)

    This is stunning. It is raw. It is honest. It’s the sort of post that makes me want to go back to the start of all your blogging and just immerse myself in every single rant you’ve ever written. Then I realise for quite possibly one of the busiest woman in the world you’ve written an encyclopedia worth of stuff and I’d be here all night and miss your gig. I’ll read the book ;)

    Add me to the list of countless numbers of people you have inspired, helped, and been loved by. I could go on for a long time about how much I admire you, the spectrum of emotion you’ve made me go through, the badly sung songs I’ve sung along too.. but I’m going to have to cut it short.

    Auckland needs another Ninja Gig! And I have the perfect location.

    I live right next to a really nice, fairly hidden park that would be more than suitable for a gathering. There’s stone circles, a fountain. The sun is ‘effing’ warm. And best yet it’s a block or so away from your venue tonight!! There’s loads of grass and even a tree if you’d prefer to play from the branches. People can bring blankets, cupcakes and -importantly – beer. Seeing as there’s an alcohol store up the road and no drinking ban why not!

    I have a small and messy appartment right next to it that you’re welcome to use for small and messy apartment things. And if it rains (arghh) we might just be able to cram people in?

    Basque Park is the name of it and I’ve included details.
    Email me if you need to know anything else.
    I really hope you see this, and I really hope we get to see you here.
    The sun is out!

    http://maps.google.co.nz/maps?f=q&source=s_q&hl=en&geocode=&q=basque+park,+auckland&sll=-41.244772,172.617188&sspn=45.591309,102.480469&ie=UTF8&hq=&hnear=Basque+Rd,+Auckland,+1021&ll=-36.863238,174.757681&spn=0,359.996873&z=19&layer=c&cbll=-36.864121,174.757637&panoid=A1q4kuQ2bl7kZtr9Veue1w&cbp=12,190.42,,0,17.97

    P.S – Any particular taste in Beer?

    Love, the boy who made you Frittata last year.

  • http://twitter.com/#!/KoleBigEars Kole

    Goddamn. Shit. Fuck. I am pissed off. Why the hell am I crying. Pathetic. Yep. I am fully aware of that. Been that way for a while. Comfortable in my isolation, depression, fog…whatever you want to call it. Lonely and longing for friendship that I just can’t seem to win, endlessly searching for love and can never seem to find it. Don’t think it is out there anymore…sure enough that I have stopped looking, if it exists it can find me.

    I like to read other peoples words. Sometimes I find that they feel totally happy and content. I don’t understand those people. Then I find that others feel the same as me. I don’t know what to do with those people. I feel so fucking alone that how could there conceivably be another person on the planet that understands what I feel.

    I would never tell you to not be sad. Hell who am I to tell you to feel any which way…in any case, be sad, be happy. Really, just be…FEEL, marinate in the emotions, ride the roller coaster of this fucked up thing called life. In the end it all seems to boil down to the more you feel the more alive you are. When you’re done, get off the ride and go how you want to go…

    Just sing…(great song on right now while my brain vomits this into the comments…)

    KoleBigEars

  • tweedbleed

    Vintage Amanda – honest, messy, profound, funny, making mention of pubic hair…I really have to quote this in the paper on you I’m presenting in May (it’s an academic thing, I’ll send you a proper email all about it). You’re going to be the subject of my PhD. I thought that might cheer you up. It’d cheer me up. I fucking love you to bits, Amanda! *fansquish*

  • katherine

    Your honesty is as refreshing as it is frightening.

    On a lighter note, Marc wrote a post about marmite and vegemite, did you see? Made me think of you. http://www.guardian.co.uk/education/2010/mar/16/marmite-improbable-research

  • steve1492

    I’m currently going through my fourth bout of severe depression in a decade and it upsets memory every time. I lost a year with the first one. It takes away the brain’s ability to make context. I have developed many strategies to deal with it, make things better, but even after all my experience it’s still capable of overwhelming me without any warning. Things do get better, and life is full of richness, it’s just very difficult to see that when you’re in that dark place.

    Your music and performances bring great joy to me and many others. A friend of mine has a saying, “You keep kicking that black dog, Steve.” Amanda, you’re only human, and an extremely creative one at that. You keep kicking that damned dog.

    Steve.

  • Sarah S.

    I wanted to say something here, something supportive about the whole, alone-depressed-forgetting stuff thing, having gone through that myself every eighteen months for the last twelve years. But that seems cheap, somehow. I guess…just know that there are many, many people out there who would/will/do love and support you, no matter what the circumstances may be. For what it’s worth, I’ll light a candle for you, and for hope, and for the future.

  • Anita

    As an Aussie I could just say that New Zealand does have the ability to suck the life out of you but that would just be a cheap shot in an on-going across the pond rivalry….so I wont. The shittiest thing about being depressed is that you can hardly bear yourself but you are also sort of hyperaware that you are bringing the party down. Desperate for someone to just accept you, you are frightened of scaring them away. It’s a level of pressure that is uneccesary in an already dire situation. I’m glad you feel better. You have a great life. I’m also glad that you are just like the rest of us and it isn’t sunshine and rainbows every day. Normal is overrated.

  • luci_fer

    “new zealand new zealand
    i feel like shit what can i say
    my period is 6 days late
    my pubic hair is turning gray

    but i don’t believe in the beauty standard
    and theres no way that i’m pregnant
    so it’s technically
    ok”

    :)

    couldn’t agree more with your medal for making the world better, by the way.

    and so you know, we (or me, as an individual member of The World) love you too.

  • Rachel Boyadjis

    people who respect you and respect your work understand what it is like to feel small in a giant world, and what it is like to feel huge in a small world, and what it is like to feel like you and the world are exactly the same size, and staring each other in the face. and we love the pictures, the glimpses and maybe we pine for lives that glitter in such ways, but at the end of the day i think it’s still the spaces between music notes and the feeling we get at shows, that makes us stay.

    i don’t understand the world, and how you are allowed to float in it. by you i mean me. us. them. everybody. because there was not really an us and them before we all decided it to be that way. it is funny, i think, the things i stumble upon. i have written here before. so i have been here before. and i have been there before. there as in There. except without the cabbages and kings, or perhaps with different cabbages and different kings. and i don’t read this all the time. i love you but i assert, always, i must assert, i am different, but i’m different, see, i’m different! just like i’m sure many people do. because i’m so terrified of being percieved as the Same Thing.

    but

    nobody is the same thing. i suppose that’s why everybody can have an affair with the whole world (if they realize it and have the power to do it). everybody is everybody else but completely different. under completely different circumstances. in completely different lives. you are lucky to have the power you do. the power to revolutionize. your world, and other people’s worlds, on such a scale. but with that comes more sharper clutter. and the space shrinks, that Space between breaths i think it must shrink. some people would die for the kind of power you have. some people would die to have the space back, too, i suppose. so many people here cling to the kind of way you can turn their ache or passion into a tangible actual gem of reality. they could do it too, i think, but it would take a long time. it would be harder. they think they can’t.

    i’ve been realizing lately, the difference between ‘can’t’ and FEELING like you can’t.
    it’s such a huge difference. the difference is the first one, it doesn’t actually exist.

    and you have more medals. they just aren’t the kind you can hold in your hand. and we would all give them to you, i think, just like you would give them to all the people in your life who deserve one, if it wasn’t such an overwhelming feat. you are no more special than the rest of us. perhaps this makes you raise an eyelined brow. or perhaps not. but the beauty lies in that fact. you are so special, so [fucking] special [she’s running out of. . .], so special in this way but in this other way you are here. we feel that you are here. in a sense.

    the difference between you and us, you and me, is the specifics. which is fantastic in some ways. at the core, we heart-beat ourselves until we’re pretty dizzy. sometimes it hurts. sometimes it doesn’t. sometimes we throw tantrums and sometimes we act our age.

    but always it means we’re [so much more than] alive.

    love,
    Rachel Boyadjis

    ps. people who respect you and respect your work understand what it is like to feel small in a giant world, and what it is like to feel huge in a small world, and what it is like to feel like you and the world are exactly the same size, and staring each other in the face. and we love the pictures, the glimpses and maybe we pine for lives that glitter in such ways, but at the end of the day i think it’s still the spaces between music notes and the feeling we get at shows, that makes us stay.

  • Helen

    I was at the Friday show (I was the elderly person (relative to the young ‘uns) who gave you a crumpled paper bag with some handmade giftees inside it). I came with high expectations and they were met and exceeded, so now I’m thinking, if that was Amanda on such a low…my god, I have to see her again when she is feeling top ‘o’ the world! I will be back if you ever dare come to Wellington again (given how you seem to be slightly allergic to it – heh)…

    You are beautiful, electric and SO DAMNED inspiring.

    ‘Runs in the Family’ helps me through many a shit day and is cheaper than therapy.

    In my humble opinion, if you are feeling as crapola as you were on Friday, you ought to go ‘home’ straight after the performance, make some herbal tea and take a bath, sleep and cray and do whatever you need to do…although it is awesome that you stayed for the signing and that you are so very very generous with your audience – everyone loves you better if you are well, healthy, happy, feisty, spirited and inspired and if that means you go to bed instead of sitting and signing for hours…your fans and friends will forgive you! Most performers are exclusive, elusive and give diddly-shit of themselves…that you aren’t this way is what makes you awesome, but it would suck if it also became the thing that drives you into the ground…

    “if wellness is this, what in hell’s name is sickness?”

    Much love,
    Helen

  • Becca

    I’ve been married to my husband whom I really love and who totally gets me for 17 years, and we were together on and off for years before that, and this shit is still hard, but still pretty much worth it. Good luck to you and himself.

  • dansemacarbe

    Would it make you feel better if I came to your show tonight? All right, I’ll do it! See you in four hours!

  • http://poetlaura.livejournal.com Laura

    My period is about 2 months late. And there’s no way I could be pregnant. And I’m not a gymnast.

    Sigh. God help us all. I really mean that.

  • ChrisLikesPie

    I think the most important thing you can do in a relationship is to be emotionally honest. If that means sleeping for 24 hours straight, railing at the moon, crying inconsolably, or talking nonsense for hours until it finally MAKES sense, then so be it. Pretending nothing is wrong when something IS wrong ALWAYS makes it worse.
    Don’t feel like you have to be “on” because you only have a short time together; if you’re not being yourself (even if it’s your “pull-the-covers-over-my-head-I-hate-the-world” self), then you’re not really “together” anyway.
    Be honest. Be yourself. Neil will love you. We will love you.

  • Shelley

    ahhh…i love your honesty and the fact that you don’t bullshit people by spewing rainbows and gum drops from your mouth. cheers for that. I’m seeing you play in Auckland – just a few hours from now and while you sound ferociously in need of some serious kip, the fact that you’ve come all this way means bunches to me and my friends. AND…should you be so tired as to get that vulnerable and unsure look in your eyes like the last time you were here in Auckland – know that you are adored and appreciated and reasurring hugs will be aplenty after the gig

  • Andrea_M

    I enjoyed that blog. It’s nice to hear about the other side of things in the world of AFP (even if the other side isn’t always so nice) depression is a bitch and i’m glad you were able to pull yourself out of it.

    I was thinking about it. I started listening to you when I was 17. I’m 23 now. That’s 6 years or so and for the entire past 6 years if someone asked me about my favorite bands you were always at the very top of the list. And you remain at the very top. Amanda, it has been amazing being your fan. I really appreciate what you do and the music you’ve given me that has been a part of shaping who i am in so many ways. You deserve that medal. Thank you. Love you.

    Andrea

  • Rob

    Amanda! Wake Up! It’s not tomorrow yet!

  • Stardrinker

    Me thinks it is perfectly normal to withdrawal from life at times, it helps create balance and space (at least for me it does). As I read this I thought, wow I love this woman more than ever. Thanks for keeping it real and raw. O! and as I read this I thought nervines (I’m finishing up my Masters in Herbal Med). Skullcap (American), catnip, oatstraw/milky oats, chamomile, and peppermint tea (if you try it make it super strong)~the seasons are transitioning which frazzles people and places a strain on the body (and thus mind). I hope that did not come across as preachy or annoying, just my two cents. <3

  • nogoodnik

    Thank you so much for your Wellington show, despite not feeling good you put on a great show as always. I could tell when you came out that you weren’t feeling the best, but everyone is allowed to have bad days. Like you said, it wasn’t that long before you seemed in a somewhat better mood.

    I was feeling terrible myself, that day. I even considered skipping the gig. I’m so glad I didn’t, even though I felt very weird and almost joined others in fainting (how many people fainted, anyway? I know at least two did, though one was also quite drunk I believe) from the heat. I considered leaving before the end, that’s how dizzy I felt. In the end I left before the signing and actually DID black out for a second on my way out, but thankfully caught myself before I fell. I think it was a pretty odd night for a lot of people.

    Still glad I stayed, though. Your encores were probably some of the best songs of the night, I loved your performance of The Ship Song, it’s one of my favourite Bad Seeds songs.

    I was thrilled to see Hera play, as well. I hadn’t heard that she was going to be playing – I hadn’t seen her play since 2004 or 2005, not since before I moved to Wellington. I was arriving to the gig a little late and when I reached the corner of the block Bodega is on I heard singing, recognised her voice, and started RUNNING. She’s amazing.

    This comment isn’t at all what I set out to say, but it’s what came out when I sat down to type, so… it’s staying. Thank you.

  • toratonbo

    thank you, amanda.
    you make it a little bit less scary to be me.
    medal earned. every day.

  • http://www.mollyburkett.com/ Molly B

    I so love your honesty. On the shackles bit: I can relate, or I could, until I met someone who made me feel like tearing off the shackles and melting them in a steel mill and reforming them into tiny hearts that I could sprinkle into people’s hair when they weren’t looking. Now if the guy hadn’t broken my heart first, I probably would have, because anyone who is OK just hanging around me all the time must be all kinds of fucked up.

    Anyway, while I do hope you and Neil work out, as a member of the Whole World, I’m really glad you love us as much as we love you. Mwah.

  • juliakiwilivinginkorea

    Next time you visit New Zealand maybe you should schedule it for the beginning of a tour – to avoid groundhog day/week again!
    And it’s nice to hear a song about Vegemite – thanks

  • TheNeonJesus

    Forgive me if I’m wrong, is it one of those feelings where you don’t like being with people, but the issue with that is… you like being around people? Because that’s exactly how I feel, and it’s tough to feel that way and have such amazing friends at the same time that don’t understand you when you’re hermitting away in your house when they’ve invited you to thing. I like the sorts of friends who can be around and feel completely alone. But also enjoy their company at the same time… now, does that make sense?

    I hope you feel better soon, you were amazing on Tuesday and I wish I wasn’t as shy as I was, I would have liked to have said more than a mere “hello” to you because I think you definitely deserve more than a “hello.” New Zealand is a beautiful country, I hope you can really experience and enjoy it sometime, because it took me so many years to appreciate it and when I did I felt so stupid that I hadn’t seen it before.

    xo

  • sas101

    I saw you when you came to Wellington (both times! and in 2006 when you and Brian came) and I loved you everytime. As someone with a boring as fuck, soul crushing 2-11pm job, its music like yours that pulls me out of the darkness that comes from an existence like this. I am so gutted that you hit such a low while in wellington and I hope you start feeling better again soon! we totally couldn’t tell that you were feeling so crap when you were playing and my bestie and I are totally gutted that we didn’t get to buy your book! We have looked all over wellington since but no where is selling it! Man I wish I hadve taken more money on friday night.

    xox

  • sas101

    we all love you no matter what :) xoxo

  • hannahrochelle

    Love you muchly, Ms Palmer :) You do what you have to, to stay happy. We don’t mind, honest. You really are a great person, and I especially love you for how you connect to your fans.

    It’s funny, I told my dad about you and twitter and how I ended up meeting you in Sydney (though I’m from Melbourne), and he said: “She sounds really cool. No wonder she has all these fans.” So my adorable 45 year old dad admires you too.

  • anon

    You know.. I go to your shows to be “alone with the whole world”. I’ve seen you (with the Dolls and solo) probably more than ten times now and each time I’ve gone to the gigs alone. I stand alone and don’t really talk to anyone. I just listen to the music, move about, watch everyone else listening and moving and watching. And I feel wrapped up in the atmosphere like a blanket. Even though I’ve never once stuck around to meet you after the show or really talked to any of the people I recognise from previous shows, it is homely enough for a Boo Radley like me. It’s port in the storm. It’s enough for me to just be there, be around it, a part of the “whole world” for a few hours. Refresh, recharge, before taking to the sea again. I have close relationships with a few people, but I prefer to wander in the crowd and feel a part of humanity at large. I don’t know if this is because I am a “loner” or “shy” or because I don’t like to “inflict myself on others too much” or if it’s just because I am interested in everything. I want to see everything, do everything, be everywhere and nowhere all at once. To narrow my love (and I think it IS love) down feels insulting to so much. To vastness and possibility and potential. I too want it all. It is confusing to me sometimes, I feel guilty sometimes. A lot of other people (even those I’m closest to) don’t understand my aversion to “settling down” or stopping. They don’t understand why I don’t want to save up to buy a house or find a nice person to marry or have kids or find a “more stable” job. They don’t want to see me drifting forever, not committing, “ending up alone”. They seem far more scared of it (for me?) than I am. But I feel their worry and it makes me feel guilty.. sometimes. I don’t want to hurt anyone or make them worry. But I wonder how I can live my life differently and still be true to myself? I can’t live the life other people want me to live, be who they’d like me to be.. I just can’t. If that makes me selfish.. well, I suppose I am selfish then. But if they love me, surely, they will accept me? Or at least try. My selfishness, wandering, weirdness and all. I am still learning too. Maybe one day I WILL become an easy person to be around and everyone will breathe a sigh of relief and I’ll be sociable and reliable and respectable and stable. But not today. And probably not tomorrow. Partly because I can’t control the weather. And a lot, deep down, because I don’t want to.

  • mellymel

    Indeed, you can not pour yourself out to the world and expect to be a never ending geyser of energy. Eventually, your batteries will run dead and need to be charged. I think artists feel this more than “normal” people do because the work we do is not just a job that we do as if we’re machinery but a piece of our souls and/or psyches that we put out there either to be trounced on or to triumph. When our energy is at its lowest is when those trounces come back to haunt us. Perhaps not in direct or specific ways, but more in karmic ways or just in the balance of negative versus positive energy. It’s the balancing act all human beings struggle to win. But without the darkness, we’d know no light (to throw a little Lao Tsu your way). In the end, we really have no one but ourselves to build us back up and prepare us to be ready to face it again and pour ourselves back into our work. Give yourself the time and space and nurturing you need to heal right now, by all means. I know touring must be hell, but your fans will understand if you’d rather nap or practice yoga instead of ninja gig. Even more so, I’m sure Neil will understand if you’d just like to sit quietly with him for the few days you have together here and there. He seems like he’d be a more than understanding sort of fellow. He’s also an artist and judging by his Oscar blog post, I think he knows exactly where you’re coming from and will be there for you.

    Love and Light to you when dark clouds close in and even when the sun is shining.

  • hangmansfreedom

    You were fucking awesome in Auckland last night. Thank you so much for coming back!

  • MauraLee

    Reading this, I’m unsure what to right. I mean, I don’t feel as if any words are able to come out about what I’m feeling right now, but… I dunno. I can say I relate, to a certain extent, but not really at the same time. I’m unsure.

    I think that, at some point, everybody feels this way, but stepping back and realizing The World loves you, and you love the world might just seem like it’s enough. It’s weird, sometimes scary, sometimes painful, but I think this is the sort of revelation that we need to have to live. And we show our love to The World by writing, making art, witnessing the earth turn on its axis, blogging… that sort of thing. And in return, the World gives us back a keen ear that loves and cares, and everything. It’s sort of a circle, I think, and all of it is indescribable to some, but others might have a word for it. I dunno… This probably doesn’t make that much sense.

    Anyways, much hope that everything works out. :)

  • lostplanets

    I didn’t want to comment at first because I’m not really good with words but I do want to let you know that you are amazing for talking about your feelings this openenly. It makes me feel less alone with the sadness I carry inside of me all the time. I’m glad you’re feeling a little better and I’m also happy you have Neil. I wish I had a Neil in my life!! Anyway, you deserved that medal! Thanks for this blog and thanks for being you. Love you <3

  • http://www.mcmatz.com mcmatz

    I am so sorry to hear that you were covered by The Dark Cloud, Amanda, dear. It won’t and doesn’t help to know that there are others, like myself, who suffer the same from Him. He is such an overwhelming pall of void. If you can separate rationally from Him, you can hold Him and look at Him. Study Him. Know Him for what He is. He may return but He will also pass over you. I always accepted Him and His visits. I gave Him a checkout time – usually a day or so – and then I would crawl under the covers and sink in and let Him have His way with me, alone from the whole world. He does go away. And I have little lilac pills that keep Him away, most of the time.
    Be brave. Be strong. And know you are loved and cared for more than you could ever comprehend.

  • dansemacarbe

    You blew the fucking roof off the King’s Arms last night.

  • mattymunch

    Im not going to lie amanda; you sacred me with this blog. I dont want you to get to these points where you feel like this. You are an amazing woman and have been my Hero, Inspiration, and Passion for the past 6 years. You mean the world to me even though we have never met. Im rooting for you no matter what happens in your career, and will support you (along with your whole fan base) in what ever decisions or emotional baggage you might have. I love you to the depths of the deeepest oceans and to the ends of the Universe itself. Im glad you let us know what you think and feel, and hope to see a more positive blog next time.

    Yours Truly and Deeply,

    Matthew Beal

  • DrLovecraft

    Amanda,

    This specific blog post, as personal and honest as it is, reminds of this wonderful song by Jon Brion called “Here we go”. You should check it out, I think there is a youtube video of it up, you’d do a killer rendition I’m sure (lyrics posted below)

    Kindest Regards

    Rich

    “Here we go”
    -Jon Brion-

    You’ve gotta hope that there’s someone for you
    As strange as you are
    Who can cope with the things that you do
    Without trying too hard

    Because you can bend the truth until it’s suiting you
    These things that you’re wrapping all around you
    You never know what they will amount to
    And your life is just going on without you
    It’s the end of the things you know, here we go

    You’ve gotta know that there’s more to this world
    Than what you have seen
    Because we all have a limited view
    Of what we can be

    As we move along with our blinders on
    Each one of us feels a little stranded
    And you can’t explain or understand it
    Each one of us on a different planet

    And amidst all the to and fro
    Someone can say hello, here we go

    The feeling that someone really gets you
    It’s something that no one should object to
    It could happen today
    So I suggest you skip your habit of laying low
    It’s the end of the things you know, here we go

    Because someone can say, “Hello
    You old so and so, here we go”

  • Laura

    Dear Amanda,

    It happens all the time. Everyone has ups and downs and epic depressions from time to time. We’re not going to love you less if you do not post happy pictures and tell us about the party. On the contrary, an honest blog like this will only make our love stronger.

    My life is pretty much a chain of unfortunate events and dullness, a reality I try to escape whenever I can, losing myself in a book or in a song. And sometimes I’m lucky enough to embrace happiness when attending a concert of some band or artist I love. That’s a magic moment in which nothing else matters. Problems and worries fade away for a couple of hours and the only thing I can think of is the great feeling that is making my body, mind and soul vibrate with pleasure and joy. It’s like falling in love, with the butterflies in the tummy and the permanent, spontaneous smile on your face even during the following days… I love those bits of my life, it’s when everything makes sense and some of the few times that make me think that life is good. Obviously, the times I’ve seen you live I’ve felt the same special way. I’ve fallen in love with you, I’ve cried with you touched by the intensity of your music, of your voice, of you. And of course you don’t remember because there has been a million faces, a million places, a million hugs, and I don’t know whether it makes you feel any better, but there was a night when you were the world to me. I felt in love with you when I saw you play, you made me feel so intensely that I couldn’t stop the tears from running through my face, you made me forget all the grief that was oppressing me, you made me happy, and when I met you after the show you looked me in the eye and told me: ‘I saw you, I watched you’ and then you hugged me as if for a few seconds there was no one else in the world and I reciprocated. Yes, moments like that make me think that life is good.

    The next time you find yourself on a downward spiral think of all the beautiful feelings you awaken in people, of how we need you as much as you need us to make it to another day. Think of how much more depressed you’d be if you hadn’t any of this, any of us.

    I’m sure things will work out with Neil. You two belong together.

    Oh, and I think that medal is totally well-deserved.

    All my love,

    Laura

  • marthamay

    I think that passion can kill you. When you become so invested in something you love so much, whether it be a person, a pet, your job, or your art, it slowly begins to take you down. You worry if you’re good enough for what you love, and if you are doing your best for your love. When your job is your art is your love is your life, it all becomes a twisted, suffocating mess. You’re obligated to do your job, but sometimes the art you want to make is not art for your job, and side projects pop up, and your job suffers. You feel bad that your job is withering and then your side project suffers. The juggling of your life becomes more suffocating than the mess you’ve made of it.

    Maybe that is what’s happening. I know a lot of people, myself included, where such has occurred. That does not mean you are among them, but as you have been so incredibly busy this year, with your tour, the twins, the fiancee, and the world, it seems like a logical assumption to me. Perhaps you need some time to sit by yourself, worry free, and be calm. Whether that means making finger paintings or relaxing in a hammock or being with the people who matter, a break sounds necessary. As your life is rather busy, such breaks may be short, but many short breaks can lead to mental sanity. Or so it does for me.

    As a fan, I know that people have expectations of you. We want you to be everywhere every minute for our pleasure. We want you to be outlandish and artistic. We want you to be the Amanda Palmer you make us love in your blogs, photos, videos, and music. But sometimes, you have to be yourself. I don’t know if you have a secret name for the inner you, as some people do, but whoever that is, sometimes you need to tell the people who crave Amanda Palmer that she cannot come out to play today; the weather’s too bad, so please, go away. And when the weather is right, you can come back, and your fans with gather to see you happy to be Amanda Palmer again.

    Take your time, and good luck. Be happy, and be yourself.

  • Anon

    Amanda,

    Thank you for everything you give to the world. But please – don’t forget to keep something for yourself, and for the people who really love you, like Neil. Because we’re just The World – we’re fickle and we do love you but in a shallow kind of way that’s not like how we love our moms and dads and husbands and girlfriends and kids and cats and best friends from college, etc. If you spend too much of your energy on us, we’ll drain you.

    And one more bit of unsolicited advice, since I’m just an anonymous World-er. I used to use my self-professed desire for freedom to keep distance between myself and men. I was selfish and free-spirited and wouldn’t hold still long enough to develop a good relationship with anyone until I met my husband. And what I’ve found is that having a good home base, a person you can plug into and recharge your batteries off of when the world sucks you dry, gives you even more freedom. Because you can go out there and give every last drop of yourself away and then there’s someone at home who gives you back to yourself. All relationships take some compromise, but the good ones don’t strip you of the kind of freedom that matters. They just can take some getting used to. ;)

    Be good to yourself.

    Sending love your way . . . .

  • kaliblack

    When you made us dance to Leonard Cohen (did you do that everywhere or just in Brisbane?), I was dancing with my friend Jules at first, and then I saw the boy in the wheelchair rocking out and no one was dancing with him. I went and danced with him, and he hauled himself up by the stage, leaning half on it and half on me, and we danced.

    Seb made medals for me & Liss too, “for services to steampunk” (which is to say he doesn’t do such things for just anyone). He is a special person, and we love him. The first time I met him he found out my band is called Vagina Dentata and sang Vagina Dentata (to the tune of Hakuna Matata) to me.

    At your implied recommendation I am reading Eat Pray Love. After I post this and pay a bill on Etsy I am running out and getting two more copies, one for my mum and one for my ex-husband.

    One day I hope to be able to thank you properly, to tell you all the things I am grateful to you for. For now I hope you feel better, and know that your somewhat obsessive, talkative, irritating, possessive girlfriend loves you, and even though she (we) sometimes fucks up that whole constructive communication thing, and sometimes she (we) says or does hurtful (or downright insane) things, she (we) wants the best for you, including (or especially) happiness and good health for the rest of your (hopefully very long and prosperous) life.

    You are such a light, Amanda. You are a Power and a blessing. Even when you can’t see it, we can.

    xKali

  • sam pea

    totally understand how you feel Amanda. xx

  • alex15

    oh amanda…I won’t say much as ther are already looots of comments….but I want you to know that your music (over aaaall the music in the world) help me A LOT through dark times and bad moods….so thank you very very much and stay strong, please…

    lots of love

    aleX

  • mimsmithfaro

    Love you… but not in a creepy stalkerish kind of way. I loved Neil first (meaning I knew him first- from twenty years ago with Sandman) and I remember writing on my blog that I loved him too but not in a creepy stalkerish kind of way because if I did I would have showed up at his daughter’s college graduation because she went to school not too far from here. And so I shall love you both but give you both your space.

    Be well.

  • laurie anne

    oh amanda you are so truly beautiful and totally fucked up at the same time and that is probably what neil sees in you because gorgeous chaos is what we all seek in our lives……i had that until recently but it was also painful in a physical mental and emotional way so i had to bow out for awhile but i still feel the PULL…..please come to NY soon…i had a ticket to your last ny gig in brooklyn but i was too afraid to go….i will go to the next one that is available so pleeeeze come back to ny soon…<3

  • delenn13

    When I read this, I thought of a song by Bob Seger called “Turn the Page”. I could even imagine you singing this. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fe7yOccqdxI#

    A relationship is give and take. You both have to give 80% and take 50. I know it doesn’t add up to 100. Not supposed to. But it works if you both think that way. Neil is your “Candle in the Window”; your Safe Haven/Anchor. Don’t forget that.

  • Eric Salonis

    First time reading your blog. Very vivid and yet comfortable experience for me.

    Wanted to let you know the very first song of yours I ever heard really did shape the next chapter of my life. It was only a year ago I heard it, but I can already tell it’s one of those things…a renewal, if you will. Hearing someone so passionately speak in a “language” that I fully understand. I am in love with so many different kinds of people and voices, but it’s rare I find myself hearing someone else so clearly, and despite how much I can love others and how much joy there is, that missed connection can sometimes get lonely. You brought new life to that connection, with me.

    There are several keystones in the structure that holds together the person I’ve become and the person I want to be, and the stories I, in turn, want to leave with others – you are one of those keystones. You and Neil both, actually.

    Just wanted to you to know that, Amanda.

    Thank you.

    With lots of love from Omaha, Nebraska (where the sun has finally come out again today)…

    Eric S.

  • Whina

    Thank you for coming to Christchurch.
    We love you.
    Be happy.
    x

  • Tracy

    I love you, Amanda! And it looks like so very many others do too. Thank you for saying you love us back!
    Glad you let it all out. <3

    Just so you know, you really brightened my day — I LOL'd at the "I am EL FUCKING NINO" bit, and the lyrics to that old song of yours cracked me up.

  • Zo

    I thought I’d been following your blog for five months or so.
    Guess not.
    A year ago I read about the New Zealand song. And yeah, I’m the same girl who doesn’t know why she’s so behind in life and school and love. Still wishes she could be a nun proper like her friend instead of falling in love with real people in addition to the world. Still at an utter lack for direction. This one really struck a chord.

  • http://konfusedfae.blogspot.com/ Faebala

    I love you and even though I am clearly not living the same life as you (i do dream…) you just described exactly what i’ve been trying to sort out in the own box-of-my-unpredictably-weather-mood-swing-prone-mind. not that there were really any answers hidden in amongst the babble (fish)… but it still made me smile and think that maybe it’s okay if sometimes I feel like I’m going crazy.

    (btw, my sister and I used to do tours with a puppet group owned by my aunt…. and my sister could remember every single town and venue and try to get me to remember and i wouldn’t remember a darn thing until i walked into the building and then it’d all come flooding back.. but even then, sometimes not. we kept quote books from those days because of all the very unique people we met who would always say the most hilarious things… and i’ll read back through those quote books and not even remember someone saying something to me, or me writing it down.)

  • toe-mas

    I love you! Warts and all. If you were perfect all the time, you would not be as beautiful and amazing to me…but you’re real, and you suffer just like the rest of us, and yet still you SING with your beautiful naked soul and elevate my whole being just by existing. Thank you! Smooch Neil for us, the Whole World, when next you see him. (the smooch is for you too, from us)

  • Chantelle

    Dearest Amanda,

    I’m so sorry you were going through that while here in Wellington (mind you it can be a very depressing place, what with all the overcastness and galeforce Antarctic winds and strange little houses piled up on top of each other like crooked teeth peering into the sea-mouth). Can’t beat it on a good day though. Anyway! I wanted to tell you that I love you too because you are so REAL. I’m not sure how to make it more clear than that. I wanted to tell you when I saw you outside Neil’s talk all the things I wanted to say, how your music has been the sometime-often soundtrack to my life, how I love (and all your fans love) the way that you really connect to all of us, how you share so much of yourself without reserve, and how your passion is such an inspiration to me and so many others. I’m sorry I missed you play, was on a bloody airplane back to NZ from Perth (Australia) and I couldn’t get back in time, wanted to change my flight to arrive a day earlier but couldn’t afford it. :( Seeing you and Neil the next day has actually been kind of the highlight of my year so far, sounds a bit pitiful but there it is.

    I actually think it’s necessary to be Alone With the World as you say, and I know that depression, the blankness, the being with someone you love more than anything in the whole fucking world and STILL feeling blank and empty and miserable…and I wish I could have given you bigger hugs instead of just the one and told you amazing things and taken you to the best coffee place in Wellington and bought you vegan yummies and/or cupcakes and/or shown you where to get the best Japanese food in town to help you feel better. Which it might not have. but you would have got epic awesome coffee and delicious foods at least.

    Anyway, rambling…I think you should do what makes you happy and not burned out. ditch all the responsiblities and all the adulty-type work-type STUFF that cannot possibly be put on hold…ditch it for a period of time, go hide out somewhere secret and private and wonderful with neil and have time where you can just BE and not worry about anything. or well, not as much stuff as usual anyway. And you could do yoga and find delicious wine and play ninja gigs if you wanted, or not, and have exciting adventures. And listen to really good music that makes you feel.

    You really do make the world a better place, and we love you for it. all the dark bits and the worst bits that you share with us, we love you because you are human and because you are REAL and you express that real-ness through all your words, whether they be written as lyrics or blog entries or twitter updates, and you are always, always beautiful because of it. neil is real too, and that real-ness that he expresses in his writing is the same reason I love his work and think he’s an amazing person.

    glad you crossed to the other side of the dark. the songs may be the same but the singer and the audience are always changing, and growing, and different. please come back to Wellington sometime, hopefully the dark will not find you here on your return, and the city may whisper a different song to you.

    All my love,
    Chantelle (the girl in the corset and big 50s style skirt who chased you for hugs outside Neil’s signing at the Wellington Town Hall)
    xo

  • NotGonnaHappenRightNow

    So many women who are mothers, wives, etc….talk about the fact that they always put themselves
    last as though it is some kind of virtue. I’ve been in this position before, and I don’t think it is.
    I am going through a particularly self-indulgent time right now, and loving every moment of it.
    But, it’s only making up for lost time. I’m hoping the pendulum will swing back to middle, at some point, where I can better balance self-care, self-interest, self-promotion, etc…..with my responsibilities to, engagement with, and concern for, other people. But, for now, me is fantastic. I don’t know that it is necessarily a bad thing to be self-regarding. At least it shows that you have a healthy degree of self-esteem, which some people (women especially) are tragically lacking. I am not an artist or involved in any creative pursuit that I stamp my name on and have to continually push out into the world in the hopes that it will be well-received or relevant to someone. The prospect of doing that actually terrifies me as, I believe, it does most people. But, I can see where that kind of occupation would require one to be especially self-oriented. I mean, it’s kind of an occupational hazard, isn’t it? Moreso than say, dog-catcher or nurse or firefighter or, whatever? It kind of comes with the territory, doesn’t it? And, isn’t it kind of to be expected? Just one of those things……so, what’s MY excuse for being self-absorbed? (Ha, ha……)

  • http://gabrielgrub.blogspot.com/ June_Miller

    That must be one of the strangest experiences.

    It’s like your mind got so stressed at that point in time it blocked out everything entirely. Man.

    I can understand/see it happening, though. You see so many things on a day-to-day basis, Palmer. SO MANY THINGS. By the hour, even. I find it remarkable you keep track of as much as you do, already. Hardcore.

    Living on my own for a while, now, I’m starting to understand my own quirks and ticks, when it comes to relationships.

    I’m righting very big wrongs.

    I didn’t realize I hurt people so much…by being distant. It’s more of a precaution for myself, and it was just…yeah. One of those ‘how I was raised,’ things. Lots of emotional distance in the June_Miller household, growing up. Lots of June_Miller acting out because she wanted the emotions and didn’t get them or only got the negative kinds back. Sucked. A lot. Kind of fucked me up. Had to get therapy.

    Now, it’s all on me. And I kind of like it, honestly.

    Don’t we all like to test ourselves, somehow? To see if we can truly get past our own bullshit and make life easier both personally and for everyone else?

    Anyway.

    You and Mr. Gaiman have an awesome relationship. You guys understand each other, and not just in like an ‘omg we both totes hates mushrooms’* way. You’re right: Some people aren’t meant to be with other ‘normal’ 9-5’ers. You’re both very creative people with off-the-wall (and pretty fucking awesome) ideas that not a lot of people could ‘get,’ if you wanna go there. Some ideas might startle the uninitiated (a concept album about one’s own death springs to mind), but isn’t that really their own loss?

    And you guys are honest. That’s all that bloody matters, in my opinion.

    The medal rings true. You earned it.

    *I don’t know if you guys don’t like mushrooms. I think that’s just me speaking personally. Sorry.

    I don’t think I should be this giddy about unemployment, madam. Yet, I feel invigorated.

    I feel things burning beneath me and I love it. Things are more open to possibilities, again.

    I wrote a bit about how (fucking CRAZY) my last place was in my own journal. Please feel free to check. If anything, it was a growing/learning experience.

    Plus, I had a fairly successful interview on Monday so I think things are going well on that front, at least.

    KITTY!!!!

    P.S. Saw your performance of “Bad Romance.” Oh, love. How I have become addicted to that song and Gaga in general, thanks to my gay bar. And the “Telephone” video (have you seen it? acting is very subpar, but I have no qualms with Gaga gaying it up [or her police tape ensemble]). Also caught your commentary with the audience beforehand and word, exactly what I’ve been thinking. She’s fucking talented, and people are really confused, because she’s choosing to use that and be a successful pop artist with that. She’s EXACTLY like Madonna and co. before her. She ain’t stupid, either. Clever girl. Kind of want to make out with her more now. Sorry. edit: It’s also ‘vertigo SCHTICK.’ Sorry. I’m not kidding, I know that fucking song too well now.

  • veraaa

    <3 I saw you in Wellington.
    I had the time of my life. It was the highlight of my year, and I've moved to New Zealand for my partner. I don't have any friends here which means I never get to do anything fun or special but seeing you in Wellington brought me pure joy. Thank you, Amanda.
    I love you!

    Ps. You DO make the world a better place.

  • anna

    These words… I do not think they mean what you think they mean.

    In Old Icelandic, at least, ‘guðrún’ means “knows the secrets of battle” or “wise in battle”, from gunð, battle, and rúna, secret/wisdom. ‘dröfn’ means ‘spotted’. Modern Icelandic is close enough to Old that I’m suspecting these are still roughly the same.

    Guðrún is also the name of a character in the Völsungasaga, and is generally a common name, so “Spotted Guðrún” is a pretty appropriate translation, for a cat.

    I’m just sayin’…

  • NatashaR

    The first time i saw you was in mont-de-marsan in 2006. I was with friends and i could send you pictures of this show! here is the link : http://www.facebook.com/amandapalmer?ref=ts#!/album.php?aid=56598&id=637587201&op=12
    It was the best show i ever saw!
    We talked after the show about bordeaux wine and Indochine (french groupe)
    I hope you read this and it helps you to remind.
    But, even if you don’t remind, I love you!!!!!

  • Inge

    I keep telling people that coffee should be a controlled substance. One day without results in migraines, etc. Weaning yourself off it is as horrible as cold turkey. Add in a little depression and you’ve got a recipe for disaster. The sun will shine again, the birds will sing, and you had a fluffy cat for company.

  • Izzdella

    Do a concert in Seattle,WA! plzzzz :P

  • emeraldthane

    We love you, because you love us. Next time your in a bad mood on stage, just ask for a hug. We are there for you. YOU KNOW THIS…Try it woman it works. Also, St. Louis misses you. Lots. Just saying.

  • Blaus

    My (now) ex-boyfriend broke up with me outside of your auckland show last year. needless to say i couldn’t face you again this year. in fact, i think he went with his new girlfriend. you inspire me. i liked your new zealand song. xxx

  • ecila_mirror

    I wish I could be as articulate as the particles whizzing, colliding, exciting, and subsiding in my heart and brain as I read this post. Unfortunately, it’s not a word thing. So, my profound contribution is this: reading your post makes me smile a variety of smiles: conspiratorial, amused, delighted, wincing, empathetic and wondrous. Thank you.

  • http://www.cheapralphlaurenpoloshirtsuk.co.uk ralph lauren polo shirts

    I admire you so much for still getting up there and giving us a kickass show. You really are wonderful.

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