amy, take a bow.

July 24, 2011

is it wrong to want to live on your own?
no, it’s not wrong
but i must know
how can someone so young
sing words so sad

sheila take a
sheila take a bow
boot the grime of this world in the crotch, dear
and don’t go home tonight
come out and find the one that you love and who loves you
the one that you love and who loves you

– the smiths

hola dear comrades….quicklike/newslike:

EDINBURGH: on aug 14 at 2 o’clock i’m going to be on a discussion panel at Edinburgh Festival Fringe Society called “Cabaret 2.0”. it’s free, but you need to grab tickets. i’ll be talking openly with a bunch of other cool people about how we Do Cabaret In a Postmodern World. should be fun. LINK.

i’ve got dates in edinburgh, glasgow, brighton, london, vienna, amsterdam, san diego, and los angeles, all coming this summer/fall. tickets are selling steadily, some venues are nearing sold out. come be with me, i need you, and spread the word if you haven’t already, and thank you in advance for dancing your ass off. all tickets/info HERE.

also….if you’re in brighton, london, vienna and amsterdam and know any horn players…i need help thieving some brass. info about that is HERE. help a thieving band out.

(written july 23rd, 2011)

it’s been a few days of lovedeath joy, is what it’s been.

i looked at kate across the morning coffee cafe table today and just said “i love you” for no real specific reasons because sometimes you just gotta do that when you’re surrounded by the reminder of mortality. last night on the way to meet nick and his friends for drinks at a bar in brooklyn i read the news about oslo. we dragged zelda williams, an actress that neil sent over to my house (…via, yes, twitter. i love twitter. note the reality: someone tweets that they’re in new york for a night and you simply say: come to brooklyn and drink…and they do). after ciders and loud music and discussions of cinema palaces of the past and how to save and inhabit them, i said: by the way, oslo. lots of people died. there you are in the bar and everybody looks a little more alive than they did ten minutes ago.

me & zelda

the 100 degree night wore on.

we took our living, breathing bags of flesh and bone over to the bellhouse, where 20 people were dancing in the killer heat to lcd soundsystem, and I requested depeche mode, and the dance party moved through le tigre, shirley ellis, pulp and funkadelic. i danced the night away, letting the news shake all over me…looking at the faces around me, singing with my arms, grabbing hands with various friends and swinging onwards.

got home at 5 am. woke at 11 am.
and read that amy winehouse had died.

she’s joined jimi, janis, jim and kurt (sadly apropos…it’s the 20th anniversary of “nevermind”) in the 27 club.

and reading the twitter storm that came after … lots of “well, what did you expect” and a lot of anger at people who were making jokes.

and the most profound thing i came across was a series of tweets from the very-much alive kimya dawson, and i thought i’d just share it here, especially for those of you who aren’t on The Twitter.

@mrskimyadawson
I was rooting for Amy Winehouse. What a voice. RIP.
2 hours ago

@mrskimyadawson
It was barely a month past my 26th birthday when I drank & drugged myself into a coma. Got out of ICU & spent a week w/ a friend’s mother
2 hours ago

@mrskimyadawson
My friend’s mom was a nurse & she kept a close eye on me until I could go to inpatient. I did 3 weeks in a dual diagnosis facility in Tacoma
2 hours ago

@mrskimyadawson
The inpatient program was for people with addictions coupled with mental illness. A week after my release was the first Moldy Peaches show.
2 hours ago

@mrskimyadawson
With every loss of a young artist and addict I cry and cry and so much gets stirred up inside of me. I was so fucking lucky that night.
2 hours ago

@mrskimyadawson
My friends were there as I convulsed and threw up blood and choked on my vomit. They carried me down the stairs and drove me to the ER.
2 hours ago

@mrskimyadawson
People who don’t struggle with addiction should never assume someone should simply “clean up their act”. Recovery is battle every single day
2 hours ago

@mrskimyadawson
I need absolutely no sympathy right now. I’m alive. My gratitude grows & grows. I just wish for strength & self love & support for everyone.
1 hour ago

@mrskimyadawson
I know that no one can “save” anyone else but know if you’re struggling right now that I love you & hope you can find a way to love yourself
1 hour ago

@mrskimyadawson
Whether you struggle with addiction, mental illness, or whatever I HAVE GOT YOUR BACK and believe you can pull yourself up and start to heal
1 hour ago

@mrskimyadawson
If you had told me then what the journey I was about to embark on would encompass I very well would have laughed and spit in your face.
1 hour ago

@mrskimyadawson
The first few years of recovery weren’t all love and light. There were fun and amazing moments, but a lot of darkness and getting real.
1 hour ago

@mrskimyadawson
I didn’t get better. Life didn’t miraculous become easy peasy. I learned tools & coping mechanisms that help me not get swept up by despair.
1 hour ago

@mrskimyadawson
One of the best things I learned was to separate myself from my emotions. And let them be a part of my experience rather than my identity.
1 hour ago

@mrskimyadawson
When I can stop & identify feelings I can say “I’m experiencing grief & anxiety (or whatever) right now” then those feelings don’t own me.
1 hour ago

@mrskimyadawson
I can value the richness of each emotion without clinging to or pushing away any particular feelings. I feel them all and move through them.
1 hour ago

@mrskimyadawson
Getting honest and accountable and learning to let go are also huge for me. Not letting myself isolate. Helping myself by helping others…
1 hour ago

@mrskimyadawson
I have read tons of books from different recovery programs. I have been to all kinds of meetings. I have talked to thousands of people.
1 hour ago

@mrskimyadawson
It requires constant work to not go back down that road. Being able to truly appreciate life’s ups, downs, twists, turns makes it worth it.
1 hour ago

@mrskimyadawson
Find some kind of group or program or community. Tell your story. Speak it or sing it or write it down. Get honest. Dig deep.
1 hour ago

@mrskimyadawson
Listen to or read about other people’s journeys. Know that no matter how alone you feel you are absolutely not alone. You were never alone.
1 hour ago

@mrskimyadawson
The tattoos on my arms cover many scars. I starting burning myself YEARS before I started drinking or had heard of other “self mutilators”.
1 hour ago

@mrskimyadawson
But there isn’t a self inflicted scar on these arms less than 12 years old. Imagine these arms wrapped around you and squeezing tight.
1 hour ago

@mrskimyadawson
When I was in the middle of it all I would have fucking hated the me that I am being now and felt all this blather was bullshit.
59 minutes ago

@mrskimyadawson
To those of you who think all this sounds impossible I hope some of these ideas stick and someday it starts to come together for you.
58 minutes ago

i’m with kimya.

there’s heaps of lessons to be learned from watching the downfalls, but there’s absolutely zero to be gained by declaring war on the dead.
following the links, i looked at the recent footage of amy winehouse taken at shows a few weeks/months ago where she’s clearly in pain, clearly losing the plot.
most disturbingly, not seeing the crowd. totally disconnected from the people who are there because they love her music, know every word to every song.
her eyes can’t focus on the people who are there to love her. they’re cheering, they’re rooting for her.

that’s the saddest part to me. that she can’t seem to see them.

i was at an irish bar the other night to see My Friend jeffrey, a cute british guy i met on the train from new york to boston last year.

get your mind off the monk.

we talked for a few hours about love and life. he was in town with his wife, who was over here for work, and he always brings his lute. would i like to see him play at an irish session?what’s that? i asked.

it’s where people just get together and play. they jam on songs they all know, they take turns singing, sharing, soloing. for each other and for anyone who’s there to watch and clap and dance.
a hootenanny. so last year, during cabaret, i snuck off and went to see this happening at an irish pub in boston. and i saw 40 irish-folk musicians in a bar with an audience of about 13 people. the ratio was stunning. they were all just jamming for joy.

a few nights ago he was back in NYC, and emailed me about a session going on at a bar called paddy reilly’s. so i took a bunch of friend over. there was almost nobody there. 5 musicians on a makeshift little stage, maybe 8 people watching the band, plus 12 people at the bar. but these musicians were playing for the love, playing for each other, swapping off songs and melodies, inviting up pals to dance, schedule-free. jeffrey is about 75. the kid playing the drum and fiddle and dancing was 13. in between, were some guys in their 30s and 40s. glasses of foaming “vitamin g” (as jeffrey called it) were poured from the tap at the bar and carried with great ceremony to the musicians. after the kid did a round of amazing irish dancing with his tippity-tappity shoes to our encouraging whoops and hollers, he finished with a flourish and we all cheered at maximum volume. the kid had blown our minds with his talent. we yelled out love, the bar whistled and clapped out love, the bartender yelled out love…..jeffrey nudged the boy, who he’d never really met, to take a bow. the boy was too shy…he didn’t do it. he quietly sat down, not looking around, blushing, picked up his fiddle….looked at the floor, didn’t even smile. jeffrey shook his lute at him: “get up! get up! they want you to bow!!!” the boy shook his head. a new song started, the moment passed. i sang an a cappella song. the band kept banding.
the drinks kept coming. the beautiful dancers hit the box once more. (that’s jeffrey, to the close left of the hot legs):

when that set was over, i high-fived jeffrey, and i introduced myself to the lad.
jeffrey, three guinnesses strong, took him by the shoulders.

“you need to acknowledge the audience”, jeffrey said. “it’s part of the whole circle”.

the kid, eyes downcast, nodded.

“you know”, jeffrey said, “…there are some nights when you pick up your instrument and it just doesn’t want to sing, doesn’t want to play right, and you shake that thing and it just doesn’t do what you want, the sounds don’t come out right, and you just can’t get the music to sound like music. it’s like lead in your hands.”

the kid looked up, nodded.

“and then there’s that moment when you look out and you see one person in the audience, with their eyes lit up, smiling at you, you make eye contact, they’re breathing in quick, and all of a sudden your instrument comes to life, and it sings….”

the boy nodded and nodded

“….and that person feels it, and you feel it, and then the whole room feels it, and that, my boy, that moment…..”

and jeffrey waved his arms in the air, guinness sloshing onto the irish pub floor

“…that connection is why we’re all here, that moment is why we do this, that moment what we call love.”

and the boy smiled, and he looked at me

i said “if you don’t bow, if you don’t look out there and just give a wink, you break the connection. they need you, the crowd. they need to know that you feel them and you’re with them. and when it’s over, if they love you, and they’re cheering, they want to know that their gratitude has hit you and is moving through you…and that you’re giving it back to them, that you’re grateful in return. if you lose track of them, this whole thing doesn’t work. they need to SEE you SEEING them. they need to know they’re there. it’s a two way street. that’s why you bow. get it?”

he got it.

amy take a
amy take a bow.

for a moment there, we saw you.

come out and find the one that you love

and who loves you.

rest in peace.