time to go home…

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(public post)

i’m checking the comments in the cracks. thank you so much for all the continued love. i see it all and love you all so much.

we woke up at the crack of dawn this morning, after leaving the hospital and before going back, and it was beautiful and warn and just getting light and pouring down rain.

neil put his head on my belly and talked to the baby. he explained about anthony, and explained what hospitals were, and explained what nurses were, and explained why we were so sad, and explained how some people get really sick, too sick to stay alive.

then he explained where rain comes from.

he’s going to be such a good dad.

he already is.

……..

the doctors have spoken; anthony’s not going to get better.

so we are leaving the hospital today and we’re going to take him home, so that he can go, y’know, home home.

he was, in our long, strange, beautiful 30-year-journey together…a best friend to me, a mentor, a confidant, a father, a brother….too many things to explain, too hard.

fathers, mothers, brothers, daughters, real and imagined, dead or alive, cruel and vanished, loving and confused – the circle is filled with so much more love and layers than we can ever explain.

we try our best.

we love wherever and however we can and we take what we can get, and we let it go, when it’s time.

today’s a day to let go, or start letting go. it won’t be very long before i say goodbye to my friend for real.

i’m not sad. i’m more….grateful that i got what i got. i have to be.

happy fathers day, everybody.

xxx a