racing back to boston.

this blog was originally posted to patreon. sign up here to read blogs first!


(public post)



I just got the phone call, from Nicolas, who’s next to anthony. he was crying. “it’s time to come home amanda”.

an ambulance came. he’s delirious. his eyes are changing, says Nicolas. it’s time.


I was two stops from the studio to start recording for the day with my hero. nicolas put anthony on the phone.


I could barely make it out. he was moaning and crying.


I heard “say goodbye to me”


I said I love you, I love you


I love you


that’s all I could say.


an old old British woman on the almost-empty train across from me was watching this all happen. this crying pregnant woman must have looked so pathetic to her.

she asked if I needed help. I told her I had someone waiting at the station.


I got off at the next stop, I sobbed into edward ka-spel’s arms, he was waiting to start our recording day..I begged his understanding and forgiveness, he forgave and understood…i got right back on the train in the other direction and am now in a car to heathrow, with neil who has just canceled his entire schedule, since he’s a fantastic fucking loving husband, and we are racing to get on a flight to boston.


please wait, anthony…

please wait

please wait

please wait


we are 10 hours away


please. please. please.


if you go while we are on the plane – I know it’s fine. you – you’ve injected me with love for the last 30 years and it will never leave my system. it’s in there forever, in my blood and in my heart.


this is going to be one painful flight home.


all of you


thank you all for your love and prayers. keep them coming and I hope he holds on til we get back.




love everybody around you…


….remember we’re all gonna die. the human family breathes on.


the baby is kicking like mad. the baby knows what’s going on.





Back to Blog