today is Anthony’s birthday…

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(public post)

…not this Anthony, the small one.

the other Anthony, the dead one.


if you missed it, my best friend anthony died in June. of cancer. I named my baby after him. he’s anthony, and ash for short.


big Anthony’s birthday is April 16 and I once engraved a birthday present for him and fucked up the date and put April 15th instead – I never fucked it up after that.

I can hear him saying “you clown! THE DAY *AFTER* TAX DAY.”


so I am alone in boston…celebrating today by doing the things I love, like having coffee and soup at my favorite cafe….


I’ve been dealing with his dying a lot better than I thought I would, but I feel like having a new baby is a secret weapon against grief.


it is so hard to feel anything too deeply right now, because babies make you shallowly busy, they put a teflon on your heart in favor of immediate action – and that includes sadness-teflon.


i make up songs for the baby when we are both in the right mood


I usually never remember the words.


but this mornings song went


la la la la

anthony died !!

la la la

but we’re alive

he is dead

but we’re not dead

but we’re gonna die die die

Anthony’s dead

but we’re alive

he is dead

not you and I

but we’re gonna die die die!

Anthony’s dead!

we’re alive

but we’re gonna die die die!





I will save the lyrics for when I start my all-girl punk band


and I love you.


embrace life, my friends


we’re all gonna die.


xxx a


p.s. the dresden dolls tickets for boston and nyc are FLYING. I hope you all got yours. reminder link… smarturl.it/DD2016

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  • Laura Makes War

    I think it’s beautiful that you keep his memory alive like this Amanda. Let’s raise a glass to Anthony! I just finished reading The Art Of Asking (I came to it late!) and it was lovely getting to know him more through your words. What a kind, wise man. And now you have a kind, wise baby to bring up :)

  • Priya Sridhar

    This made me laugh and cry at the same time. Ash is so sweet!

  • Wendy Wilson

    I just finished listening to your book on Audible- incredible!! I had no idea who you were, but when Audible sent me a list of books on special offer for subscribers yours had 4.7 stars, together with the title somehow it made it into my cart, then into my ears, then into my heart! I had to find out what happened, ya know? Any then I find out you have a baby boy and named him after your soul-friend… do I say I’m sorry or congratulations? My heart is confused… life and death in the same post! Your book had a profound impact on me… you are an amazing human being! I think it could have been titled “The Art of Being Human”… you do it so well! I have a few books that I’m listening to over and over, one of them is “The Five Invitations” … the audible version is read by the author Frank Ostaseski… when I listened to your struggle with Anthony I thought you might find it helpful… it still could be. My heart bled for you. <3

  • Ciaco

    I just watched you singing Hallelujah for Anthony and came here to find out who he was. My heart is broken for your loss – but more than this, it celebrates that you had such an enormous love that lets you feel great sadness in his absence. Thank you for sharing this pain, and this triumph!

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