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today is Anthony’s birthday…

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(public post)

…not this Anthony, the small one.

the other Anthony, the dead one.

 

if you missed it, my best friend anthony died in June. of cancer. I named my baby after him. he’s anthony, and ash for short.

 

big Anthony’s birthday is April 16 and I once engraved a birthday present for him and fucked up the date and put April 15th instead – I never fucked it up after that.

I can hear him saying “you clown! THE DAY *AFTER* TAX DAY.”

 

so I am alone in boston…celebrating today by doing the things I love, like having coffee and soup at my favorite cafe….

 

I’ve been dealing with his dying a lot better than I thought I would, but I feel like having a new baby is a secret weapon against grief.

 

it is so hard to feel anything too deeply right now, because babies make you shallowly busy, they put a teflon on your heart in favor of immediate action – and that includes sadness-teflon.

 

i make up songs for the baby when we are both in the right mood

 

I usually never remember the words.

 

but this mornings song went

 

la la la la

anthony died !!

la la la

but we’re alive

he is dead

but we’re not dead

but we’re gonna die die die

Anthony’s dead

but we’re alive

he is dead

not you and I

but we’re gonna die die die!

Anthony’s dead!

we’re alive

but we’re gonna die die die!

YAAAAAAYYYYY

 

THE BABY LOVED THIS SONG

 

I will save the lyrics for when I start my all-girl punk band

 

and I love you.

 

embrace life, my friends

 

we’re all gonna die.

 

xxx a

 

p.s. the dresden dolls tickets for boston and nyc are FLYING. I hope you all got yours. reminder link… smarturl.it/DD2016

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  • Laura Makes War

    I think it’s beautiful that you keep his memory alive like this Amanda. Let’s raise a glass to Anthony! I just finished reading The Art Of Asking (I came to it late!) and it was lovely getting to know him more through your words. What a kind, wise man. And now you have a kind, wise baby to bring up :)

  • Priya Sridhar

    This made me laugh and cry at the same time. Ash is so sweet!