2012.06.29 blog

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neil wrote a piece about it: “the man who forgot ray bradbury.”

that was only a few months ago…i think.
but something’s happening to my brain.

it happened overnight. literally.

i can’t remember names anymore.

not so much the names of the people i bump into a parties, and shows….i was always rubbish at that.

and that felt natural.

i figure: if i gig or do an event 6 times a week and meet about 100 new people a night by name, that’s 600 names a week.
2400 names a month. tens of thousands a year (i’m not going to bother to do the math).

i don’t think anyone holds it against me if i can’t remember all those names.

actually: someone once did and it wrecked me. a girl in boston once came up to me in a movie theater after the movie was over.
her face looked familiar. had we worked on a project together? did she date someone at pan 9? was she a dolls fan? i had no idea.
i did what i do: greeted her friend-ily and ask her how she was. she grasped that i didn’t know her name.

“you don’t know my name??”
“no – i’m sorry – what was it again” i asked – beaming guilt and politeness.

and she said something like
“amanda palmer, i’ve worked with you 4 times. i can’t believe you can’t remember my fucking name.”
and she turned her back on me and stormed out of the theater, leaving me speechless.

i still don’t know who she was…i clearly never got the chance to find out.

but that’s not what i’m talking about.

i’ve lost the names of people I ACTUALLY, REALLY KNOW. people i’ve worked with for years. people i’ve had many dinners with.
massage therapists i’ve been going to for ages.

it started happening about a week ago. and then it kept happening.

in bed this morning i played a game with myself and started trying to remember names of people in my past, and it was as if someone had come into my brain in the middle of the night and erected electric fences around my memory. or a dump truck had come and carried all my names off in a trash compactor. things just aren’t working.

and it’s not like it was before, when a name would vanish but all i’d have to do was give it 2 seconds and something would tip my brain back into place. a thought, a memory, a little workaround, an image.
all those systems seem to have broken down.

it’s actually really scary.

there are only two explanations:
i’m too busy and too tired and too overworked and my brain is using all of it’s RAM. and the names will come back.
i’m going senile at 36.

neil. neil. neil gaiman. can’t forget his name. that would be bad.
but i actually did, once, about 6 months ago. i found myself staring at his face and just seeing a face with no name attached. i played a game with myself and didn’t go searching. i wondered how long it would take for it to just drop out of the sky. like that game you play when you wake up in the morning and keep your eyes closed not knowing where you are, but sort of luxuriating in the feeling.

milliseconds, seconds, it came. neil. his name is neil.

i told him in bed this morning that if i start forgetting his name on a daily basis, i’ll call him Man I Love.

it sounds russian.


Manilov Hedkomoff.


some chick


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  • Modernclassic13

    We love you just as much.

  • http://twitter.com/Methadone_Sally Jess Asakevich

    Beautiful, all of it. If the impeccable Duennebier piece is any indication of what the art book will hold, I can only begin to imagine how spectacular a compilation it will be. I’ve only been doing this freelance writer gig for a few months now; $100 is tragically out of my range. Still, I cannot wait to listen to your newest creations while perusing my 24-page booklet. 

    As always, thanks for everything. You’re an inspiration. x

  • http://twitter.com/KaH_was_taken Karina

    i am so fucking thankful that when i didn’t love EVERYTHING you put out over the last couple of years, and might not have agreed with every decision that you made, that i still kept supporting you and promoting you to friends, family, co-workers, strangers, and whoever would listen,  even if i didn’t think it was your best work.  this album is going to blow my mind.

    the sheet art looks amazing as well. you’re a talent!


    this isn’t meant to be a dig at the music you’ve released in the last few years because some of those songs are brilliant and are up there as my favourites of all time, & what i might see as your worst song ever, I still think shits all over most of the stuff on mainstream radio. Not to mention live you continually always exceed my expectations in the category of mind blowage.

  • Frubs

    “WAIT we’ll trade you

    was fine until then, but then cried :(

  • stripes

    aw yea B)

  • http://www.facebook.com/gracies.pillow John Edwards

    I love what you’re doing; the music, the collaborative art, the funding means, all of it …. except the last bits where I have to go through Amazon to contribute to the cause.  I’ve got friends & relatives in the independent book seller business who are being strong-armed by Amazon.  I held my nose and clicked the buttons because I believe in you, AFP!

  • SJ

    I was crying in the audience when you performed this at Melbourne Uni. What a gorgeous song.

  • http://mataduvor.blogg.se/ Angelica

    love this!

  • http://www.facebook.com/gracies.pillow John Edwards

    Beautiful song and Neil’s poem is wonderful!

  • http://twitter.com/Esmertina Esmertina Bicklesnit

     Part of what I love about you releasing this song (beyond fuck yeah Jherek, this is friggin gorgeous) is imagining what the industry suits would have made of it if you were still on a label.  I’m sure the research doesn’t show much of a market for seven-minute-long dead fish songs!  They wouldn’t have wanted this on the record, much less released as the 2nd single.  Unless maybe if you cut it down to 3 minutes, leave out the hatchet, get somebody big to rap a verse, and follow it up with a dance remix.

    Thank God Punk Cabaret Is Freedom!

  • Sarah Stevens

    So excited for everything you’re doing! Congrats on all the $$$ you’ve raised!  Let me know if you need anymore tea, I work for Harney’s.  www.harney.com

    Do you mind if I borrow your smurf pic to promote you and our tea?

  • Amber G

    Please check out this song, “Tuck the Darkness In” by Bowerbirds. This post reminded me of it, and I think you’ll dig it. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BgNEsucBuMc

  • boxofboom

    your kickstarter update inspired me to spend six straight hours making my own art today. 

    • Paige

      It inspired me to order a ukelele/mandolin package and begin to learn AFP songs.

  • Somnia

    I wish my grandfather would understand why I wanna pledge my money to the crazy woman, who seems to be always naked while performing and let me use his credit card. I hate kickstarter for not accepting other payments methods – they promised years ago to work on it, but never did. (In Germany its rather uncommon to posses a credit card)

    However, really like the lyrics and can’t stop imagining the melody. It’s strange, that I’ve never noticed your a vegetarian, but always thought it would fit you. I just had a talk with my aunt, who is a kindergarten teacher and couldn’t believe that a museum would show a video in which a pig is slaughtered. Some of the kids were traumatized. Though I think it’s better not to forget where the meat comes from. The reality is brutal and if you cant accept that, you should stop eating meat.

  • olgazamoramiguel

    JEWELS JEWELS JEWELS !!!! GOT PEARLS ★ I ℒℴѵℯ AmandaFuckingPalmer Art ★

  • http://www.facebook.com/kate.k.clarke Kate Clarke

    you are a beautiful and amazing artist.  thank you for sharing yourself with everyone in such an intimate way. .  also, I love wearing my t-shirt about haters being pursued by a bear.   xo!

    • Paige

      I love wearing my Evelyn Evelyn T-shirt….NOBODY knows what the hell it is and I love explaining it….

  • Paige

    “The best and most beautiful things cannot be seen or even touched; they must be felt with the heart.”-Helen Keller

  • Ezza

    The finest story I ever wrote was about trout (it was metaphorical too). I wrote it as part of an English exam in high school, it hit me perfectly and all at once (the spontaneous creative writing part of the exam, which is a very odd way to judge someones creative writing skills) and then the exams were sent off to be marked (and more importantly that year, because New Zealand schools were trying something new, scaled, which is a hilarious fishy pun I never noticed before) and we only ever got the marks back. So I’m never going to be able to read that story again and see if I still think it was any good. So it’s always going to be the finest story I ever wrote.

    So yay for fishes and some indication that there’s a collective stream of consciousness somewhere.

  • Paige

    I remember that visit with Neil..the two of you were so cute, pointedly not interacting with each other like 7th graders with a crush at a school dance…someone in the background commented that “Maybe we can get Neil to take a picture for The Rebellyon…” that you totally ignored…

  • Paige

    Oh yeah and the next day you blogged about how he cooked the fish in newspaper and he kind of fucked it up and got upset and you said “There’s nothing more adorable than Neil Gaiman getting upset”. so freaking cute…

  • http://twitter.com/kjerstioghvalen liti kjersti

    at one am lastnight i wrote “EVERYTHING WAS BEAUTIFUL AND NOTHING HURT” (kurt vonnegut) on a wall in my neighbourhood with a piece of white chalk.

    then, i walked to akerselva (small river running through oslo) and smelled the water (the smell of freshwater is amazing). it water was black where shadow struck, white where the streetlights hit the surface, and in-between those places, i could see the bottom.

    i climbed onto the rail/wall separating water from asphalt (the wall as a piece of grafitti on it that i love, it just says “UNNSKYLD LEIF” which means “i’m sorry, leif”), and walked back and forth on it, feeling beautiful and young and old and lonely and scared and safe.

    it took about half an hour.  i was listening to “trout heart replica” the whole time.

    also, i’ve decided to name my eucalyptus tree amanda.

  • Chris

    … for the first time in my life I’m sort of sad that I don’t own a credit card. Otherwise I would kickstart you. (Why can’t I PAYPAL?!) Anyway, it’s wonderful to see how loved you and your work is by the people!

  • Tiffany Gray

    My Congratulations blog to Amanda Palmer for earning $1,000,000 for her new Album and why I love her

  • http://twitter.com/marcosfaria70 Marcos

    Speaking of Jherek, this is what Mr. David Byrne sent today to his mailing list:


    A few years ago when I was on tour, Steven Reker, who was dancing and
    playing guitar in our show, passed a request along to me from a guy
    named Jherek Bischoff. Jherek wanted me to sing on a track he recorded—a
    request that is not so unusual—but when I listened to his track,
    something very unusual occurred—I was knocked out by Jherek’s music.
    This guy I’d never heard of somehow managed to record a whole orchestra.
    His arrangements and tunes were surprisingly atypical, but still catchy
    and accessible—so I said yes to Jherek’s request. I wrote lyrics to a
    melody Jherek outlined and I maintained the title (and subject) that he
    set in place—”Eyes.”

    Later, I helped him get in touch with Caetano Veloso, whom he also
    wanted to collaborate with. Good luck with that I thought, but I passed
    the track on to Caetano. It languished there a bit until a wonderful
    young Brazilian singer, Tie, told Caetano he should do it—or so I was
    told. Jherek also produced an album for People Get Ready, Reker’s group, and now one for Amanda Palmer called Grand Theft Orchestra.
    I sat in with the group a couple of weekends ago at the Crossing
    Brooklyn Ferry festival that the Dressner brothers organized at BAM.
    Suddenly, he’s everywhere.

    Jherek’s solo-album was just released today. You can purchase the CD or vinyl version by clicking on the album cover below.

  • Allie K.

    I had that happen to me one day, my mind just went blank.  Forgot names, phone numbers, pin numbers.  It was weird and felt like a dream.  I was fine the next day.  But I think with all the stress-albeit good workaholic high stress-you might want to have some Amanda time and maybe discuss with doctor. 

  • http://gabrielgrub.blogspot.com/ June_Miller

     Really, with the way things have been going (I’ve been paying attention to this Kickstarter madness, too), it kind of makes sense: your brain’s in overdrive, madam.  Scheduling this, participating in that, touring here, interview there, mingle and promote–STOP.

    Breathe for a second.

    Then repeat.

    It seems like it’s been a lot of that.  You’re the hardest working woman in show business.  It’s admirable, but…yes.  When you need to take a breather, you need to take a breather. 

    Names are hard.  But it’s a bit sad to blank out on your significant other’s.  You look pretty sad there. 

    Don’t be.  You’re tired.  If you want to see a doctor just for good measure, do that.  Just don’t freak out too much.


    When I first started really getting out there, a woman was offended because not only did I not remember meeting her, but I didn’t remember taking her picture.

    Woman: Hey there!
    Me: [A little uncertain] Oh, hey!
    W: You don’t remember me, do you?
    M: Sorry…I’m really terrible with names.
    W: [Scowling] You took my picture.
    M: …sorry.

    Then she acted kind of disgusted and walked away. 

    Was it scandalous?  Was she naked?  Goth night or Rainbow Room?  I don’t know.

    I just make sure to let people know I’m absolutely terrible remembering names, right off the bat, from then on.  Nothing personal it’s just…lots of people.

    Not anywhere near the same scale you do, which is why it’s pretty boggling to think about.  Holy shit.

    I also forget how to form the words I’m wanting to say, sometimes, and end up stuttering for a few seconds like Porky Pig.  Sucks.  I need to work on that.  Just shut up until you know what it is you’re saying.  It’s tricky, though, because I know what it is and my brain sort of freezes in mid-sentence.  Eh.


    I don’t think I’ve ever properly introduced myself to you.  Maybe for these exact reasons.  Maybe ’cause it seemed fruitless, to me.

    I think I’d like to remedy this, if ever the opportunity arises, again.  Just because.

    (I wouldn’t be hurt if you forgot it after, though.  Don’t worry.)

  • ZombieGirl

    Yes, please see a doctor as many others have said. I have a coworker whose mother had sudden onset memory loss, found out she had a tumor, died a week later after the diagnosis. I can’t imagine a world without your shining soul, please take care of yourself!
    On a less serious note, after seeing the comment from paige about you getting a Neil tattoo to remember, I am now imagining you covered with little notes on your body, ala “Memento”!

  • monkeyface

    a comfort ‘shhhh’….little fingers over little, heavy, eyes…    it’s ok to not remember these things. names and places. all of these faces. They all have noses…it’s weird; noses and eyes in the very same spots.  Some times even when I see my own face, i can’t remember who it belongs to. ..really.  Big breaths and slow downs. balsamic vinegar with bread and cups of tea. Unknit furrowed brows and rememember that there are too many people to remember. And it’s ok of warm friendly faces fall in to tiny crevices.  

  • http://www.facebook.com/kkeech Katie Keech

    I agree with the possibility of thyroid issues. My mother complained of forgetting all the kids names in her classrooms when she was diagnosed. I have occasional adrenal fatigue, which is kind of a  precurser. I take lots of B’s and raw adrenal supps when I have work periods where the clients I work with are doing a lot of wall punching and kicking in of doors and threatening  each other and the staff  I manage, etc… it helps some. That and lots of self care. I hope you are doing the self care thing.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1518436386 Abby Linda

    Please get rest and see a doctor Amanda <3 it would suck to see my hero feeling unwell. get better and keep on inspiring us <3 :) 

  • http://www.facebook.com/swantje.opitz Swantje Humperdinck

    Don’t bother. 

    It’s not names that happen to us, it’s people. A name is just an invention to make personality graspable in conversations. I still know that the iceman made me happy when I was a kid, every saturday afternoon, but I can’t remember his name. Maybe it’s just not the important fact about him. 

  • http://twitter.com/Xanthrax_ Xanthea O’Connor

    Yesterday I literally forgot mid-trip what side of the road I’m meant to drive on. I’m 20. Should I be worried? 

    It is a terrifying feeling.  Look after yourself please. We love you. x 

  • Catherine

    Eee, sounds scary. I’ve never been able to remember anything. Well, I’m not certain, as if I did once have a memory I wouldn’t be able to remember that now!
    But seriously, go to a doctor, check everything’s okay. Take some time off, and let your brain recover. Hope you feel better soon.

  • kamereon

    stay away from the AFP business for a week and get yourself into idle mode! No emails AT ALL. No Phones AT ALL.
    If you say “i could never do that!”, then this is exactly your problem.
    it’s called ‘burn out syndrome’ in Europe and idling should help.

  • deeza13666

    I  have worked at the same place for 5 years  and I still can’t remember peoples names unless they have their name badge on. Some I do , but others I forget even though I talk to them regularly.

  • whimsicalearth

    Hey Amanda :) my immediate thoughts were as people have said – B vitamins esp B12, vit D, omega 3s and 6s – long chain fatty acids.
    if you’ve been vegan for any length of time and not supplementing some of this stuff may be low. Or can be low regardless. I’m vegan, got low levels, found myself in a fog that vit d and b12 injections rapidly fixed. and walnuts and chia seeds.
    Also consider absorption/gut flora/ immune health.

    I found that forgetting headspace fun sometimes – when I know what it is and how to come back ffrom it

  • Electra

    I’ve never been good at remembering names, just people and what they’re like and how they feel to me and such. I think using and remembering names are sometimes a big deal in American culture. I don’t think it’s really that important though. Some people are just no good with them. However, as some have already said, we would rest easier if you would go see a doctor just in case, and take care in general. Please and thank you and love.

  • http://www.art.net/Studios/Hackers/Tower/ lentower

    concur – go see a doctor!

  • Topsecretappleface

    you write in this awesome poetic way that i love but on a serious not you should consult a doctor… 

  • Maccapianofan8790

    Sadly, we are only compounding your situation by thus far only giving you 95 more names to look at. Overall though, a quick stop by a doctor sounds like it could provide some help….if anything some piece of mind. 

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=500244714 Noel Wharton Wright

    Oh, no! That’s no good. You need more sleep. Lots of good quality sleep. I also second the suggestion of seeing a doctor. Best wishes!

  • http://twitter.com/niki_in_france Nicole Lacoste

    sleep more

  • Maryvernau

    Go see your Dr. Then please take some time off and do nothing! No work related projects…just some beach reads. …and please check in with your Dr. Stress can do really bad things. Tale care of yourself!

  • http://twitter.com/TweetsForbidden ForbiddenTweets

    I have the same problem.  I call it cerebral flatulence.

  • edward

    Please Amanda for your and Neil’s’ sake and for all of us
    that LOVE you, go see a doctor. I’m not one but I do know more than most about
    the human system and things that happen “overnight” are a sign that
    something is going on. It needs to be looked at by a doctor. Remember Jim Henson
    (sp)? Said” hell it’s only a cold I’ll be fine”.

  • Reis Tina

    That’s scary. Makes me worry. I know that doesn’t help you but my point is, go see a doctor!

  • Dugann

     Look at all the love pouring out for you!  What wonderful people and good advice.  We all love you, it will be fine.

  • PolitelyOffend

    It happens to everyone. There are times people just start forgetting certain things. It comes back. I know with you, you meet so many people that it could probably mess up your memory sometimes. I know whenever I see you, it’s like recognition Russian roulette. Sometimes you recognize me, but have a look of “ohshitwheredoiknowyoufrom” and sometimes you remember me immediately. It’s not anything that has ever upset or offended me, because it’s difficult to recall certain faces and names when you have people flooding into your life every day. Don’t sweat it, Musicianilov.

  • dianadhevi

    ((HUG)) – because it sounds like you need it. 

    A name is just a name. We may forget a name, but we never forget how we feel about someone. Especially the ones we love.

  • Natalee

    Dear Amanda,
    I’m 23 and have the same problem,  mine is caused by a neurological problem and also makes me uncoordinated, dizzy, confused and always forgetting where my body is (hard to explain) Please can you see a doctor, even is nothing is wrong its better to know that and if something is wrong its so much easier to fix it you get it early. xxx

  • Finchia

    I have a friend with anomic aphasia.  Her brain does not allow her to remember the names of people.  She has no problem with the names of things, it’s just people.  She can relate things that she has done with you, and what you wore at that party, and all sorts of other stuff.  Turns out, there is a pathway in the brain between the parietal and temporal lobes that’s responsible for that, and in her, that particular connection that doesn’t work.  Such things can be caused by stroke, but hers has been there a long time.  Sounds really scary, I know, but she gets along just fine.  Please take care of yourself so you can carry on being invincible.  :) 

  • Never

    Whos legs on a background? ^)

  • Rebekahsjs

    I get this when Im super stressed or busy.  And as your probs aware, the more you think about it, the worse it gets.  When you cant sleep, your memory goes.  Take a BREAK! Have a weekend away in the trees. <3

  • http://www.facebook.com/jade.flannery.7 Jade Flannery

    I posted this on twitter but I thought I’d post it here too: 
     I just read your latest blog and it reminded me of something my Gran told me. The symptoms you have sound like a thing that happened to her on medication for cholesterol, Statins. It causes a mild form of brain damage. One of the effects is recalling names of people that you clearly know well. Her friend forgot her own daughters name. I don’t know if it affects the hippocampus or what but my gran told her doctor what was happening, he did a dementia test on her and said that it was clear she didn’t have a degenerative brain disease and that it was most likely the Statins. Hope it helps, you’re in my thoughts.

  • http://mataduvor.blogg.se/ Angelica

    woha! that sounds really scary. I think, as many others, that you should go to a doctor, just in case you know. Hopfully you are just stressed and tired. But go, go to the doctor! xx

  • http://twitter.com/FractalGeekUK Mike S

    Echoing the comments here – You are at a peak of stress, with a thousand things to think about and to do, a new album, new deals, a new and very intense show.  The Art backer stuff, particularly – there is an expectation of an extra level of interaction, and it’s easier to spot when you don’t remember.

    You’re getting older too, and learning more names is harder.  WHO you need to learn the names of is more focused than it used to be too.

    Conversely, you ARE worried, so even though there’s probably nothing abnormal, getting yourself checked out would relieve YOUR worry, and de-stressing will help.

    My father  was a captain, and he probably knew more than 10,000 passengers – BUT:  Before each trip, he would check dossiers to remind himself of the 100 or so he would need to be able to greet personally (eg at the Captain’s table), he would have an announcer at receptions, and he did memory courses to help fix something about them, so he would have smalltalk.

    Let me give some details about my experiences of your memory.  The first time I met you was your WKAP signing at Forbidden Planet in the basement.  You played “Science Fiction, Double Feature”.  At the signing, I passed on greetings from a certain “KB”, a close contemporary from your High School.  I could see the gears shift, and you were silent for a few seconds.  Then it all fell into place, and we talked, starting with “How do you know her?”.

    On a couple of subsequent occasions, I’ve had similar conversations – and similar reactions, the last being at the London Backer show.  The very personal connection hasn’t fixed me into your brain, but I am not offended – it is extraordinary how many people you do know, and your strategies with the rest are excellent.  I will give you context if I want you to remember (not doing so seems rude or at least presumptive), but I haven’t seen any sudden change in your behavior. 

    And is it entirely bad? Provided you remember the people you are working with, for the rest it means that you are focused on the “now”.  I know my memory is focused by “significance” – if I have enough pattern to evaluate whether something is significant,  I will remember it.  If not, it’s gone.  I also let myself drift at points during the day.  A siesta, or at least a targeted zone-out can help fix memories too.

  • amanda w.

    Have you ever heard of the podcast Radiolab? This immediately reminded me of the recent episode titled Unraveling Bolero. I strongly recommend the podcast as well as the episode. Please be well, friend. <3

  • Dineke

    Just read this on Tumblr (Chuck Groenink) and this described very much what I thought after I had read this blog entry:
    “Idleness is not just a vacation, an indulgence or a
    vice; it is as indispensable to the brain as vitamin D is to the body,
    and deprived of it we suffer a mental affliction as disfiguring as
    rickets. The space and quiet that idleness provides is a necessary
    condition for standing back from life and seeing it whole, for making
    unexpected connections and waiting for the wild summer lightning strikes
    of inspiration — it is, paradoxically, necessary to getting any work
    done. “Idle dreaming is often of the essence of what we do,” wrote
    Thomas Pynchon in his essay on sloth.”

    The Busy Trap,Tim Kreider.
    On the dangers of the way we’ve deceived ourselves that we need to be busy. All. The. Time.
    And the alternative. Read this!
    I have lots of opinions about this subject, but I’ll just note that I
    have to say there is definitely a huge difference between Americans and
    Europeans in this. Everyone in America is always working, and I’m not
    entirely convinced that it’s all out of necessity.
    So, in my humble opinion, do nothing for a while. Don’t sign art books in taxis, but stare out of the window (or take a nap). ETC.

    Take care of yourself.


  • Wrench50
  • Steerpike

    Dearest um…..Amanda (that’s right isn’t it?),

    I know exactly how you feel and it is to be expected. I edited an entertainment magazine for years, went out nearly every night, met new people by the hundreds all the time and did the rounds, seven nights a week at all sorts of record company, movie, nightclub functions. I would meet so many people every week who wanted to be in the magazine as a step up and they pulled hard on my time and brain cells.

    In those days I considered it a perfect luxury to be at home with a book by myself (the best night of the week when it rarely occurred).

    Forgetting names is just what happens when you get overloaded with new people all the time.
    My brain just stopped paying attention to names unless I consciously thought, “I might meet this person again”. It’s not the start of Alzheimers.

    I got caught out heaps of times and sometimes on the same night.

    I still only focus on names I feel I need to remember all these years later. My brain basically does it as default mode these days because I sustained that job for so long.

    People will forgive you and if they know in advance (I always say, I’m not very good with names) they understand and we have a bit of a laugh next time around.

    You’re working hard, everyone wants a piece of your wonder. I reckon if they get it they can forgive these lapses and you should forgive yourself too. We may be social animals but no human brain has the capacity to remember that much detail.

    Your fans and associates remember you because you are a special moment in
    their life. You are the mountain in the plain of their existence. You
    can’t ignore or forget mountains.

    We’re the crowd. There are too many of us. We’re like millions of blades
    of grass with the occasional flower. Neil is your mountain. That is all
    it needs to be.



    (Sorry if I went a bit soft centered chocolates there).

  • http://twitter.com/sainteve L. Gabrielle Penabaz

    When Peter Gabriel forgot the lyrics to his words, he’d look at the front row.  I guess he’d point the mic at them and smile, catch up and get back to singing.  It’s a lot in the RAM, at the very least.

    Gabrielle-who-met-you-at-the-Knitting-Factory (when-the-Dresden-Dolls-were-booked-last-minute-and-the-audience-was-just-a-few-of-us-lucky-ones-in-2002?-so-you-and-I-exchanged-emails-and-emailed-one-another-a-little-via-brainwashed-com!), makes-absinthe-and-was-in-a-band-called-St. Eve; then-booked-you-and-Brian-at-a-vampire-event-on-purpose-but-with-a-Satanic-ritual-opener-by-accident; friend-of-Voltaire, Paige Stevenson-Larisa-Fuchs-and-Nicole Blackman’s; who-was-a-fellow-zombie-at-Julie’s-wedding-and-recently-congratulated-you-at-your-Brooklyn-fete-but-have-always-wondered-if-you-remember-me-so-I-never-push-it-and-just-let-you-know-I-like-you-and-what-you -do – assuming there are thousands of me and only one of you and I never look the same way twice.

  • Carved Moon

    At only 26 I can  admit that I never recall names. They are always lost. Immediately forgotten. Even a few seconds after meeting someone new, I can’t remember the name that goes with the face, a face I always remember actually. Yesterday, I was thinking about this as well. On a trip, I saw a sign for Windsor. I knew that I had to know this name, the one of a small town in England, but I couldn’t remember why. When my lover asked me if I didn’t remember this town we had visited before, I suddenly remembered the castle and the water and the bridge and the things we did and the things we had said to each-other, but none of those were related to the name of the place. And then I started thinking. What if… What if something is wrong with my brain ? I forget things very easily, like names and the supper I had last night or when something happened in time, (a day ago or was it a week already?). But then I don’t go see a doctor and my life just continues and turns out fine.  It probably is exhaustion and meeting too many people at too many locations and having too many things on your mind. Names don’t matter, they are just names. You remember the story you’ve read, not the title of the book or the name of the author. You remember the music and the lyrics, not the title of the song. You remember the things you did and said (mostly) and that there was a person and that this person was nice or perhaps mean but you don’t have to remember the name.

  • Nikki

    I have crazy, crazy bad insomnia. Always have. I’ve used several different prescriptions for it, including Clonazepam and Restoril. I’ve steered clear of Ambien because of the side effects. I recently started taking a GABA supplement, and Amanda, I cannot tell you what a great difference it’s made. I take it and nod off gently within about 30 minutes. GABA is an amino acid and neurotransmitter. Stress and anxiety can mess with your GABA production or uptake. Even good stress! One of the reasons I feel comfortable taking GABA is that it’s a naturally occurring substance that your body needs rather than a synthetic compound or opiate. I also don’t have the hungover feeling I had in the AM when I was taking Rozerem. So of course I can understand the reluctance to stop taking Ambien if it’s the only thing that’s helped you get some shut-eye on the road. If you stop at your local vitamin shop, you can pick up a GABA supplement for about $18. It’s made a huge difference for the better in my life. 

  • Michaelann Gardner

    not to be terrifying, but don’t rule out frontal lobe disorder. It has similar effects as alzheimer’s but can hit you much earlier in life. you’re amazing. i believe you can survive all things.

  • Amy

    I read this and felt very sad, because I deal with a similar issue. I’ve given up on names, that’s one I’ve dealt with my whole life. But over the last year I’m losing memories. Ones from when I was five and had the best day ever, and ones from last week and even this morning. Sometimes they just go away and never return. Sometimes they reappear like a gut punch of fresh loss or sadness.

    I keep forgetting my grandfather passed away. I can’t remember I miss him terribly, and then one day I do. I lose him all over again.

    I’m 36 as well. I think sometimes we put so much in our heads and hearts, it’s inevitable they will spill out.

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