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i miss home.

i’m homesick.

but, every day i feel more and more at home.

from the department of awesome:

peter jefferies got my email and called me up today while we were driving from wellington to napier, through the crags of ancient hills covered in green.

he loves the song, he loves the video (link), and we had a really beautiful talk on the phone while i stared out at the same grey sky and rocky ocean i used to fantasize about seeing through his songs.

we talked for a while, about plenty of real things. he told me about writing the song (and was happy i’d gotten almost all the lyrics right – i’d guessed on a few) and about his life.

i feel so lucky, so infinitely lucky, to be able to connect with people who’ve infused me with good art.

don’t we all want that? i often feel that when people want to meet me and talk to me, it isn’t because they want to “meet me”, it’s because they want to thank me for things. i get this.

i want this, too.

one by one, i wish i could kneel before every single artist who has moved me deeply and gently rip my chest open for a few minutes, show them all the various pieces they’ve healed and fixed, watered and tended and fertilized without their knowledge, all the pieces of their music and art that have become me, that have shaped me and turned me into whatever i am.

some music not only stirred the things inside there, the music itself gave me a map of how to get there – before i hadn’t even known there was anything inside that chest, it was locked, dusty, packed with evil, brimming, empty, un-examined.

but some artists are hard to find, some are dead, some don’t answer the phone. and why should they? should they? neil and i were talking about this: we could, from this point, probably both make a full-time living just wandering around meeting people and taking credit for what we’ve already done.

i know i can’t thank everybody. and sometimes i feel like my actual job is to know that i can’t ever do that; instead, i twist all of their gardening and art into something i call my music, and show that to anybody who will look…since that’s all i can do.

we mostly don’t get to do this. artists are generally too busy making art to grant audiences to their fans for private chest-rippings. but i think it’s part of the reason i try to sign after every show.

there are always people who just wave and get their shit signed, and then there are always people who come up and ask to do a private chest-ripping, and i say: “fucking go for it, i’d love to see inside there. just don’t leave a mess on the floor of the venue.”

and i look. and what i see inside keeps me on the road.

peter’s not making new music anymore, or performing his old stuff: he’s been teaching people instead, teaching them how to write songs and make music.

lessons, at the root of it, in chest-location.

may we all find our way there.

that reminds me…

one of my favorite teachers once said: the 12-inch journey from the head to the heart is the longest and hardest journey you will ever take.


i’m in napier now, staying at my old friend kya’s home (a wonderful one) with eric, kya, and her husband and their two beautiful daughters who are 5 & 7.

their names are boudica (after the warrior queen) and nyssa (after the dr. who sidekick). they run around napier barefoot and clearly are the awesomest children on earth.

i like being around little girls. when you’re staying in hotels, you don’t get to play with barbies over your after-dinner drinks.

i got to read them a bedtime story, and i have to retroactively thank whoever gave me “diary of a wombat” in australia (i think it was someone in perth), because i busted that shit out and it was a huge hit.

and….the ninja gig today was a blast – “napier the art deco town” is as strange and beautiful as you’d imagine it – a seaside throwback.

we arrived as the action as dissipating, but as eric put it perfectly: “we drove into dress-up land”.

the most beautiful part of this whole shindig is that tons of the people we saw were older – and i can’t tell you how happy it makes me to see people in their 70s and 80s bouncing around a small town wearing deco garb and whoo-hoinking their classic car horns at you when they think your dress is pretty.

eric and me, chillin like villains:

playing for zee people….

(all above by peter slyfield)

wanna know something bizarre?

in the picture below, the lady on the left (my right) is claire ashley, who famously made the dancers’ costumes for the “leeds united” video.

i wound up not using the main costume she’d designed for ME, it didn’t quite work for the look of the video – instead it got closeted and not recycled until a few months ago when i shot the “map of tasmania” video. so, that sparkling-blue-and-gold-number that blinds the good sense of vadge-power into your domepiece?? designed by claire ashley, who was sitting having coffee in a cafe with her man and just happened to spot me playing ukulele to a group strangers. bizarre small world we live in, and all things circle around.

(photo by eric)

this particular ninja gig drew a crowd of non-amanda-palmer fans, and it was an interesting feeling to feel like a random street performer and to try to entertain these random people.

the whole tour has been throwing little curveballs like that – just when i’m getting comfortable (which often happens) i wind up staring at a room full of challenge.

but i think i do this to myself on purpose. we made new fans. i love answering “so, who are you” from random old men who came up to me.

we sold a lot of CDs to strangers. this makes me feel like a true musician.

really: when you can hock a product to someone on a sidewalk when they don’t know who the fuck you are – and have no reason to care – it’s a bigger ego boost than being applauded by a room of 2,000 people who have already bought the ticket.



p.s. i’ll do more catch-up tomorrow, wanted to post these photos before they got lost in the back-up-bloggage, of which there is now several blogs worth. i still owe you all updates about brisbane, webstock and….a wedding.

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  • Kelly Shea

    I am in sadness today, and this helps.

  • Nikki

    being able to see you at a show, and being able to simply say thank you for all that you’ve done . . . that meant a lot.

    it meant even more because i realized that you understood it. you knew/know what it’s like to be inspired by someone so much that it hurts, to have a person’s art act as your crutch when nothing else can make things okay.

    i go into that a bit in the blog i wrote about you/the dresden dolls, and how your music and, well, just you in general, has changed my life.

    it’s somewhere in there. there’s a lot of emotional muck to wade through, but that’s the emotional muck that i never would’ve gotten through without you. so, here’s that;

    i guess what i mean to say is, there’s nothing better than knowing that there’s someone on the other end of that call. the fact that you’re willing to make these connections with your fans is what makes everything different, and worth it.

    on a side note, as far as the US/Northeast is concerned — home misses you. but, er, home is still covered in snow and ice, so Australia’s still looking superior.

    as always, thank you. <3

  • MauraLee

    “one by one, i wish i could kneel before every single artist who has moved me deeply and gently rip my chest open for a few minutes, show them all the various pieces they’ve healed and fixed, watered and tended and fertilized without their knowledge, all the pieces of their music and art that have become me, that have shaped me and turned me into whatever i am.”

    Reading that, my heart was torn to pieces. I can relate to well to just that general statement, be it with art or just with regular people.

    I used to be really shy as a kid, tried to brush it off in middle school, regressed back to being terrified of people… I always got star-struck with the average person, and could barely talk with the people I appreciated and adored. My first concert was Jill Sobule, and she was personable and lovely, but I didn’t know her that well as an artist (my parents took me and were huge fans). I talked to her like a normal person, but six months down the road, I couldn’t manage to get any words out upon going to an Anthony Rapp signing. It was beyond fascinating, and my little sister would always tease me about it, saying that they’re “real people”.

    I met you the first time in New York in June last year. I had art, my book, everything… but instead, I only gave you my ticket with a shakey hand to sign. I was mad at myself following, even all through the train ride home with my sister and another friend. However, last September (my birthday) when I went to see Cabaret, I had made the decision that I would at least attempt to talk. I stumbled over words, my hands shook as I tried to fix the hair of the doll I’d painted only nine months before. For whatever reason, I felt more confident after Cabaret (most likely because I myself do theater), and I at least attempted to open up.

    From the artist perspective, it’s completely surreal having strangers come up to you and pat you on the back. I just did Godspell, and never once have I had someone come up to me and tell me I did well. This happened on two occasions: one with an older fellow, and the other with a woman and her daughter (who I’m guessing was about four). It was a captivating experience, and I cannot possibly imagine what it would be like to do this every day.

    You’re beyond-words fantastic, and you have done nothing but bring positive light into my life. I hope that, in the future, we can cross paths again, because I think I understand now how to approach my own “chest ripping” for the world to see. Thank you for that, and I’ll try not to make too much of a mess.


  • angelica

    The first part of this, made nodding. There are so many artist/band and random people i wanna thank. I relate to that.

    And… omg. I soooo wish that i was named after a dr.who side kick… how awesomness isn’t that?!
    If i ever get a kid, i will totaly do that. :D

  • Hambergerhead

    Being at the MoT shoot and hearing you tell us that the outfit you were wearing was originally for the Leeds United video I realized something a few weeks ago. If you wore that outfit, your tummy would have been covered up.
    Imagine where you would be today if you had wore that.
    There might have been no ReBellyon, and you could still be with your label
    It’s weird how one person’s little interactions with you make a huge difference in your life

  • Wanderingfriar

    Amanda, you rip your chest open every time you sing, you show the world the true you beyond the visible and in the glow of that inner beauty and honesty you let each one of us feel our own truths and put a salve on our own wounds.

    I just met you the once, didn’t really “meet” you, just smiled, said thanks and got my shit signed; but I was in awe and I hope when you looked in my eyes the way you did you saw I wasn’t just saying thanks for the sake of it. You’re an inspiration to be the courageous writer and playwright and just human being that I like to think I am.

    So again, thanks, for your chest-ripping music. I hope we can compare insides again one day.

  • Thursday

    This isn’t particularly related to the blog (though what you wrote about Peter Jefferies was beautiful and I’m glad you found him. I meant to give you his email address at the Newcastle gig, but couldn’t stay for the signing in the end…)

    But here:
    There may be hope for you yet!

  • Ellen Monroe

    This is so timely; I am in the process of writing you a chest-ripping letter. I’m so glad you got to talk to Peter Jefferies, and I’m glad that you can put into words all of those feelings that so many people have. I love your teacher’s quote about the 12 inch journey.

    Also, a question: How many suitcases of clothes did you bring on this trip? Every outfit is awesome. As is Claire Ashley’s outfit. Damn.

  • Katie Morton

    Thank you for taking the time to share a private chest-ripping with me at Bodega. You have helped me in more ways than I was able to summarise, but the feelings are more important than the detail. I hope you were able to see through my mess of words and understand that the real message was indeed, “Thank you. So, so much.”

  • sontdesmots

    Thank you for writing this.
    And thank you for your art, of course.

    Also, for interests sake, I did not know where to send this so you could take a look if you felt interested.
    My university music professor (Issues in Popular Music class) has tasked us with blogging assignments. One of them was to recite a song lyric to a stranger and blog about it. I decided to take a different approach and sang Map of Tasmania in train stations and classrooms – ended up writing about the difference between an established artist and a strange busker.

    Without your musical influence I would not have the courage to perform in public – either your songs or my own when I play shows. So, once again, thank you.

  • PolitelyOffend

    First of all, I love this blog entry. It’s a beautiful description of how people are affected by music. In the past year I’ve met you several times after shows and so on, and every single time you have been sweet and understanding. Many of those times, I turned to the friend I was with afterward and said, “Ugh, how come I turn into such a fangirl all the time?” Even during the times when I met you and had no idea what to say or how to behave (I scrutinize my behavior way too much) you’ve given me a generous amount of your attention and patience. I’ve been to other shows where I have had the honor of meeting the performer, but have only seen one or two performers who are comfortable around their fans (one of these being Jason Webley). You seem to honestly care about what we say to you at that moment, even if you forget our names or even our faces later since you meet so many people. I remember meeting you for the 3rd or 4th time after a ninja gig at the a.r.t and telling you (in a very inarticulate and dry way) that your music had gotten me through a lot. It pretty much floored me when you smiled and hugged me for a while since I felt like I had barely expressed anything. Walking away from that, my dad walked with me (he had skipped work with me for the gig) and said “I think I like Amanda Palmer. I liked her music but I think I like her as a person now,” after seeing how you treated me and other people meeting you after the gig.

    In short, you’re a very good heart surgeon and have given me an effect to shoot for as an artist/musician/whatever.

    Secondly, Your dress + Your makeup at the art deco gig = hot.

    Thanks for the chest bursters,

    • Kat

      Just want to say my Dad does the same. She hugged me when I gave her a birthday card, and then commented on the shirt my dad was wearing (mighty mighty bosstones) and my dad was like ‘She liked my shirt, not yours,’ he says he takes me to AFP shows because he thinks i’ll mess up getting the train to london on my own. I know its because he loves her too (and she sometimes performs in her underwear)

  • R Rabin

    The reason I love what you do, aside from all of the art you make that is your dialogue with the world, is that you allow your fans to become a part of it.

  • lentower

    * paying back is far less important than paying forward
    (RAH (Robert A, Heinlein) (Neil knows who he was) was the first
    person who showed me I already understood this.)

    back is near impossible, forward has infinite possibilities

    * your are not just a musician, but an artist who creates in many

    * except for the journey from the heart to the head

  • Diana

    You missed something in your art deco chest-ripping.

    Sometimes you share what that artist has put into you (I use 2 of your songs to teach Shakespeare….no, seriously…Hamlet and Romeo and Juliet – dare you to guess the Hamlet song).

    Sometimes you find good wishes coming true (my wife and I listening to your music while reading Neil’s writing years ago commented it’d be amazing to get you two in a room together).

    Sometimes you want to give something back to the artist who has healed you. I’m that case. I don’t want to show you the places you’ve healed (because I don’t feel it’s a good use of YOUR time, not because I’m ungrateful). Instead, I want to recommend a fellow artist to you. Ivan E Coyote is a Canadian writer – a gender-playing resident of the Yukon, whose writing you NEED to read. Youtube performance here:

    Because sometimes the best thing to give to one who has healed you is healing – and Ivan is healing in the way you are.

    I admire you very deeply, and someday I will manage to see you live. Until then, I shall try to remain the best kind of fan : the one who passes on your music, buys your work, thinks about your words, and genuinely thinks well of you as a human being.

  • kmwilliams

    I love it that you give & accept hugs after shows. I don’t know if I’ve ever mentioned how much I love that you do that. It really does mean a lot. I guess I understand why not all artists do it.. I guess they feel a need to keep something back for themselves, to maintain some level of privacy.. or maybe they just can’t be bothered, I don’t know. Maybe they feel like they’ve given enough of themselves with the show.. or maybe they’re shy or scared. But I tell you I do LOVE being given the opportunity to say “thank you, you’re wonderful, I love you” in person (with a smooshy hug) to someone who understands.. and who (I feel) has given me so much more than a ticket purchase or a download or some distant cheering could ever properly express.


  • Paul

    I’ve found the best path toward the heart isn’t ruler-straight, it’s a wide spiral that passes directly through the hips many times over, until it finally finds its center.

  • Maximus

    But who killed Amanda Palmer?

  • Blair

    Hi Amander! Um, just please don’t fergit to do a Weddin’ Bloggy. I’m desperate for a good weep, and I need more weddin’ picshers there. Oh my gawd! I’ve been listening to the ship song, like, constantly! And it so makes me want to just…get married or something! I don’t know what this emotion is, but, it’s like, amazing! I don’t know what to do with the energy yet…so you see, I’d kinda like to know what it’s like to get married…..!

  • Scar

    “some music not only stirred the things inside there, the music itself gave me a map of how to get there – before i hadn’t even known there was anything inside that chest, it was locked, dusty, packed with evil, brimming, empty, un-examined.”

    yes. you. i’m not really the chest-ripping type, but thank you.

  • Jackie

    Diary of a Wombat. Easily a book I wish had been around when I was a kid.

  • Lydia

    Whenever I meet an artist that has like… made my life, I find myself needing to say so much that I can never say anything at all. It’s frustrating, but I like to think they kind of know I’d speak if I could. Although in reality I know they probably think I’m just nuts.

    I will say though, because I’m writing and therefore I actually can, that you, more than anyone else, inspire me to change me life into something that I actually want. I’m not exactly sure how to do it yet, but I’m working on it.

  • insignifikunt

    i wrote a chest ripping blog about you … i dont know if you read it when i tweeted the link as i know you get lots of tweets … i might print it out and give it to you.

    so glad you got to speak to peter jefferies.

  • elanorelle

    Chest-ripping is it exactly. So many musicians, novelists, and poets have become lodged inside me as signposts for who I am. My creative writing professor in college used a similar image to talk about what we do when we write (to show us, he’d turn his hands into little doors and swing them open around his heart).

    That’s what art has done for me and what I’d like to do as an artist – open my heart and hope others recognize correspondences in their own ripped-open chests. Thanks for the perfect image. :)

  • feeblemind

    “one by one, i wish i could kneel before every single artist who has moved me deeply and gently rip my chest open for a few minutes, show them all the various pieces they’ve healed and fixed, watered and tended and fertilized without their knowledge, all the pieces of their music and art that have become me, that have shaped me and turned me into whatever i am. (…) instead, i twist all of their gardening and art into something i call my music, and show that to anybody who will look…since that’s all i can do. ”

    That’s how I feel about my writing. And I think it’s vital (talk about vital when discussing chest rippings!) for any artist to tap into those experiences with other art, be it music, poetry, cinema, etc. Baroque composers, Renaissance painters, Bushmen round a fire – all of us throughout all of history we have all been touched by *something* that has transformed the work of our hands to make something visible out of the invisible. And through that, other invisible things are stirred and start to happen and exist. Which trigger new visible things. And so on and so forth. It’s how we sustain ourselves, like millions of invisible hands holding a crowdsurfing humanity. Here’s to hoping all your private chest rippers will one day go public and bring us amazing works of art :)

  • Rob Adams

    “i often feel that when people want to meet me and talk to me, it isn’t because they want to “meet me”, it’s because they want to thank me for things.”


    Very much so.

    But, on the off-chance, thank you anyway. :-)

    Like you didn’t know that was coming…

  • Velocikat

    I love you dearly.

    Congress went nuts after you left – the house approved a bill to defund Planned Parenthood and other Title X institutions. Please sign the open letter to Congress and support women’s healthcare!

  • Krystle Dullas

    I have always wanted to do a private chest ripping with you, but never knew what to say when I was actually in front of you. Back in June when you did a ninja gig in bethesda and played at the 9:30 club in DC the next night, I wrote you a letter telling you how much I appreciated everything that you do. You @ replied me on twitter, and it literally made my lifetime. Hopefully I can tell you about all that you’ve done for me in person. You are truly an inspiration.

  • Bree

    please please do a ninja gig in Auckland :S you mean so so so so so much to me, you are so amazing and inspire me so much, you are such a strong person and i am recovering from deppression and self harm problems at the moment and your music always cheers me up, you are so important to me, I live an hour away from auckland and am to young to get into the show… but I can go if there is a ninja gig, pleeease do one >.<

  • abrokengirl

    I didn’t get the chance to do this this tour, sad.

    But the thing is, I want to heal and fix parts of you, and I can’t, and that’s just devastating.

  • MordantSupernova

    Updates updates, glorious updates! They truly sparkles up my day, you have a wonderful way of writing that makes me feel like whatever you did just happened to me too. A question though, what does the chest-ripper herself answer when random old men comes up to ask her who she is?

  • Helen Le

    I saw you in Perth, Miss Amanda Fucking Palmer, and you blew my underage mind, much like you did the first time my friend made me listen to your songs.
    I actually know the girl who gave you the wombat book, she’s a school friend of mine.
    I don’t know whether you have facebook or not, but if you do, that’s her profile. I’m sure she would love a message from you.

    Thank you for existing.

  • lee

    This blog is so perfect! I am glad you found this piece of your heart in New Zealand. It really is a special place. Love to you Miss Amanda Palmer. Keep on sharing with the world, what ever goodness you can find. Beautiful………..simply beautiful. Much respect.

  • Johanna

    “one by one, i wish i could kneel before every single artist who has moved me deeply and gently rip my chest open for a few minutes, show them all the various pieces they’ve healed and fixed, watered and tended and fertilized without their knowledge, all the pieces of their music and art that have become me, that have shaped me and turned me into whatever i am. ”

    So damn much.
    I feel this about many musicians, one of them is you.
    I wanted to tell you things after I saw you play, back in October of 2008.
    It was a messed up time for me, but WKAP healed me in so many ways, making me better until this very day.
    I couldn’t tell you this at the time, there were so many people waiting behind me, so I just got my shit signed and you took a gerbera into your teeth while posing for a photo with me.
    I don’t like how I look in this photo, but it’s still on my wall, reminding me of things.
    I hope I get the chance to see you again soon… and then maybe to tell you those things…

  • Kat

    i wish i could rip my chest open for you. but every time i meet you i just talk nonsense at you. i do this a lot to people i admire. and then i tend to walk away and cry. if i ever get the chance to meet you again, if i have the right tools i will open me up and throw it all at you, because you have healed it all. well not so much healed, as helped me accept what was in there.

  • Sam D’Arcy

    Loving reading your blogs from your tour. Still waiting on an update on your Brisbane leg. Did you really hate us that much that we don’t warrant a blog entry? (Yes, I know the crazy girl in the front row and the a-holes who wouldn’t shut up during Drover’s Boy were annoying, but the rest of us loved you and behaved ourselves).

    Plus, you owe me a blog entry in exchange for my pick at the Ninja Gig ;)

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