2012.12.06 blog

cancer. canceling. postponing. waiting. growing.

so, you may have seen this coming if you’ve been following the blog.

i’m canceling the upcoming year of touring so that i can stay with my friend anthony while he faces cancer treatment and whatever else is about to happen.
i’ve talked a lot about anthony and my relationship with him in recent blogs, but if you’re new to the story, go read this one: http://bit.ly/blog110612
it explains things and has an excerpt from the introduction i wrote for his book of short stories.
in a nutshell: he’s one of my biggest relationships, my life-long mentor. my best friend.

this is really, really hard for me to tell you. i feel like i’m letting a lot of people down.
if you know me, you’ll know that in 13 years of touring, i’ve almost never canceled a single engagement.
it’s not my style.
i take my professional commitments really seriously. even if i’m sick, i play.
but i also take my friendships really seriously.
this situation calls for no other solution.
my best friend is really sick and his future is uncertain.
so i am going to stay with him while he goes through this.

i know it’s going to affect so many people – my band, my crew, all of you, especially those of you who have already made travel plans, booked hotels, bought plane tickets. all i can do is ask for your forgiveness and understanding…and ask you to wait. i will come.

this was an agonizing decision to make, but it was also…an easy decision, if you know what i mean. he’s my best friend.

it’s not enough, when this happens, to be “on call” to be a flight away at any moment. it is only enough to stay close, to join the story in real time.

it’s funny, timing and life.

about a week ago, fiona apple (whose music i love, especially her new incredible album) sent a letter to her fanbase announcing that she was canceling a whole run of dates to south america, because one of the biggest relationships in her life needed tending. in her case: it’s her beloved dog, janet, who’s nearing the end of her dog-ness. if you read fiona’s letter, you get that this isn’t just any dog, this is a core relationship in her life. that’s the way i feel about anthony. he’s always been there for me, and now it’s time for me to be there with him.

here’s fiona’s letter: http://huff.to/SEEz4M

and here’s the part that really hit me, because i feel like she was literally writing from the depths of my heart:

“I just can’t leave her now, please understand.
If I go away again, I’m afraid she’ll die and I won’t have the honor of singing her to sleep, of escorting her out. Sometimes it takes me 20 minutes to pick which socks to wear to bed. But this decision is instant. These are the choices we make, which define us.

I will not be the woman who puts her career ahead of love and friendship.”
this.

these are the choices we make, which define us.

i spent a few months struggling with this whole decision. i wanted to believe that i could do everything, make it work, somehow juggle being a really good friend and also somehow go to australia and new zealand and europe and play shows every night.

i thought about maybe doing one tour, or shaving off a few dates here and a few dates there and keeping the momentum of my album, my band, and my career going.

this is my moment. my record got stellar reviews. ticket sales are soaring. everybody is excited. this is the time.

but honestly, when i came home from thanksgiving and sat down with anthony and felt the true weight of what he’s about to go through….twelve weeks of treatment with no guarantees…it was obvious. i just had to stay and be here. running around would be the worst thing i could do. i need to just….abide.

because no matter what happens with him, no matter what the outcome is, this is when he needs me.

now, during this. at this time. not later.

right now.

it’s also funny (funny weird, not funny haha) how becca’s sudden death has entwined into all of this.
she left, on the first day of our fall tour in the UK, with no warning.

she was there, we were emailing, we were sending each other links to songs, and then the next moment….the phone rang and she was dead.

i didn’t have the luxury of saying goodbye. it was just the end. bam, like that.

and the one thing i’ve found we all feel, me and all of her other friends, was a pang of regret that we didn’t do more, spend more time, connect more.

one of the first and heaviest emotions that hit me when she died was remembering an email she wrote me a few months ago saying “when are we REALLY going to spend some time together? i feel like we haven’t really talked in ages. when when when??” and the response from me, which was probably along the typical lines of “fuck man, things are so crazy right now with tour and this record and everything…i swear it’ll clam down and we’ll grab a drink when i get home to boston. sorry i’ve been so busy….”

we didn’t grab our drink.

she left.

we all know, you never know. and you can’t live your life in service of some morbid philosophy.
but i consider it a blessing, even if it’s a morbid one, that i have the luxury of canceling this tour and being with my best friend.

i’m imagining a world in which he left like becca, suddenly, in the middle of the night.

and imagining what i would give to be able to be with him one last time, to abide by him, to be present with him as he faced the music.

and i know, i’d give anything. any forward momentum in my career, any number of record sales, any amount of success. anything.

because if i wasn’t willing to do that: what is my life even worth? why bother to be successful?
if i can’t throw it away and sit by my friend when he’s this sick…who the fuck would i be? really….who?

so i’m canceling.

i know how disappointing it will be to so many of you, to thousands of you who have bought tickets and were waiting to see me and my amazing band…and i assure you, they are amazing. not just amazing musicians and performers and touring mates, but amazing human beings. chad, michael, and jherek…my brothers, they’ve been right there with me and this decision. my crew, too. jaron my tour manager, dave my soundguy, dave my lighting guy, and sarah at the merch desk….this is affecting all of their futures, their lives. they’ve all been incredible….they didn’t blink an eye. they know this road of life and rock is long and we’re all in it together, and this is where the story is taking us right now.

the story won’t stop.

……………………..
i said, at the beginning of this, that i felt like i’m letting a lot of people down.
having written this….i actually don’t believe that.

i believe that you know me. i believe that you trust me.
and i believe that actually, i’d be letting you down if i decided to leave my best friend hanging and leave on tour anyway.

because that’s not who you’d want me to be.

i fucking love you.

you all – every one of you – have helped MAKE ME into a person who can decide to do this.

i don’t feel like i’m letting you down. i feel like i’m being the person you’d want me to be.

i want to be the person who would cancel this tour. the person who would tell the whole truth, share the story, ask for forgiveness, and sit by her friend’s side, hold his hand in the hospital bed and fetch him hot water bottles to ease the chills while a bag of chemicals drips slowly into an IV in his arm. i know, if i were in that bed, he’d be by my side doing the same thing. about that, i have no doubt.

and whatever i’m learning, i’ll share it, eventually, in some way, with all of you. that is the way i work, and the way art works, and i need you to allow me to make this choice. to send me on my way with your permission…into wherever this adventure is taking me.

i’ll tell you man, it’s a new kind of tour. into somewhere, instead of out to somewhere. i need to know that you want me to go. you’ve always been so good to me.

thank you, every single one of you who is reading this, for making me so strong….you all affect me more than you can ever know.

onwards, all of us, forever….

 

love from cafe pamplona,

a

p.s. there is a video of anthony reading from his book of stories, “lunatic heroes”, at his book launch the other week, the one me and neil performed at.
the story is called “swamp”. i think if you listen to this whole story, you’ll understand something about him, and about me, and about why he is so important to me.
it’s not safe for work….in that it’s long, 25 minutes, and it’s very emotional. i find a hard time listening to it without crying. i would listen/watch at home, or somewhere quiet.

here’s the link if the embed doesn’t work: https://vimeo.com/54980785

also, a lot of you, esp those who’ve been reading his book, have been asking where you can send stuff to anthony. just contact him via facebook: https://www.facebook.com/camstories
he has been getting, and reading, and loving all of your love, especially those of you responding to/reacting to his stories and book. just know that he’s getting the message even if he isn’t getting back to you. he is understandably, overwhelmed at the moment, especially by his quasi-celebrity friend tossing him into the limelight pit like this. but he’s loving the love. love on.

p.p.s. ALL the info you will possibly need about the canceled dates is below.

if you have any questions or hit walls with the system, please don’t hesitate to look for answers or post a message HERE on the shadowbox.
my team will be keeping an eye on all fronts as best they can (and i’ll try and keep updates/new info coming as best as i can).
i’ve never canceled a tour before, and need you guys to let me know if things with ticket refunds don’t go smoothly.

AUSTRALIA & NEW ZEALAND
my whole team is working hard to reschedule the dates for later in the year, and we hope to have that info in the next few weeks. we’re eyeing around september or october 2013. fingers crossed. if you HAD already purchased a ticket for shows in january or february – your tickets are going to be STILL VALID for the rescheduled dates. you can keep the tickets you have, don’t need to purchase new ones. you’ll be updated directly by Frontier with further info about all of this, as well.
if, however, you would like a refund before new tour info is announced, please contact your relevant ticketing agency directly:
MELBOURNE – Ticketmaster 136 100
• SYDNEY & BRISBANE – Ticketek 132 849
• PERTH – Show Ticketing (08) 9370 5888 or boxoffice@showticketing.com.au
• ADELAIDE – Venue*Tix (08) 8225 8888 or bookings2@venuetix.com.au
• BYRON BAY – Oztix 1300 762 545 or info@oztix.com.au.
• WELLINGTON – Ticketmaster 0800 111 999 or customer.help@ticketmaster.co.nz
• AUCKLAND – Q Theatre (09) 309 9771 or boxoffice@qtheatre.co.nz

MONA FOMA festival in TASMANIA
i won’t be appearing, and tickets are fully refundable. i hope you consider going to the festival anyway, it’s AMAZING. i’m so bummed to be missing it – it’s one of the things i was looking forward to most of all. MOFO will offer full refunds on tickets purchased.
to claim a refund, please call or visit the Theatre Royal Box Office. they’re open 9am–5pm (Mon to Fri) and are located here, at 29 Campbell St in Hobart. their number is 03 6233 2299 (or freecall outside Hobart 1800 650 277)

EUROPE
at the moment, we are not certain when these shows will be rescheduled. i DO plan to make up the tour, hopefully within a year. if you wish to hold onto your ticket, it will be valid for the rescheduled show. but we understand you may want the refund, as the future is vague. if that’s what you’d like to do, please contact the outlet you purchased your tickets from directly. they will handle everything for you. sadly, the ticketing outlets cannot refund the actual booking fee, only the face value cost of the ticket. i’m really sorry about that one, but it’s just the way the business works, and it’s out of our hands. i really wish there was more we could do there. thanks for all of your understanding, and let’s pray for the future of ticketing to change.

AMANDAPALMER.NET PURCHASES
if you purchased your tickets through amandapalmer.net (via our Topspin presale), a refund will occur automatically to the credit card you used for purchase. sadly, we must refund all of the direct-from-me pre-sale tickets. the way the system’s setup, it won’t allow us to let folks hold onto their tickets. if you wish to attend the shows when we get back on tour, you’ll have to purchase a new ticket when we rescheduled dates are announced.

NEW YEAR’S EVE IN NEW YORK CITY
the grand theft new year’s eve at Terminal 5 in NYC is still happening.
(and the band is going to “purple rain” the shit out of all y’all.)
tickets of all sorts are still available here.
please come, dressed to the nines, and please SING LOUDLY WITH US.
we need you.

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  • http://twitter.com/Dragonsally Sally Koetsveld

    You are doing the right thing, being there for your best friend. I find it hard to believe that anyone would begrudge you this. I hope that the time you spend with Anthony builds wonderful memories for you, despite the heartbreak of it all.

  • http://twitter.com/_meanwhile Meanwhile …..

    We’ll all still be here waiting when you get here. Ready to sing.

  • Phoenix

    Amanda. We love you. Now go away and be with your friend. <3

  • tyyche

    Work is work, life is life. Life is more important. It’s about people and love at the end of it all. Take care of yourself as well as Anthony ok? See you whenever you get back. x

  • Alex

    You and Anthony have all my good thoughts and my hope. You are doing the right thing, go and spend time with your friend, we will still be here, praying for him and waiting for you to come back. Be safe. xx

  • Nikos

    i bought my tickets yesterday (such a bad timing) but the only thing that makes me sad is that i know you well enough to know had sad you must be feeling about this whole thing. I’m next to you in spirit and i’ll support you no matter what. Same goes to Anthony. All my strength goes to him. I read his book last week and i was mesmerized. The world needs him! My wish is for him to overcome this as painlessly possible and next year when you’re back on the road we’ll have one more reason to celebrate!
    love,
    Nikos

  • @YanaYans

    Oh sweetheart! Remember you are human. You give so much to others. Please take this moment to do what you gotta do. We will still be here waiting for you with open arms. Much love to all xxx

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000364555439 Katt Taylor

    You don’t need our permission to be who you are (and who we love you for being) and choosing with your heart. You dont need my permission but you do have my full support and best wishes and acknowledgement that this was difficult for you, one of those ‘between a rock and a hard place’ moments in life all tangled up with love and duty and honour and responsibility on both sides. You have my patience (I have tickets that will keep until you can come to Melbourne) and my understanding and my hope that your support base of fans are as awesome as I think they are and will stand strong for you. May love give you what you need to be where you need to be. LOVE. xxx

  • http://twitter.com/dresdenpunk Rob Cliff

    You’re doing the right thing, Amanda. We will wait for you, just squeeze Anthony’s hand so he knows that all of us are hoping for the best for him.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=674022916 Sarah Ryan

    You are not letting us down, you’re reminding us why we’re fans. Because you’re an amazing person who gets friendship. No rush, we’ll be here:)

  • http://twitter.com/rachelcrook Rachel Crook

    Dear Amanda,
    You have not let anyone down. Since Becca passed and then you mentioning that Anthony was ill, I always wondered how you managed to keep going on touring, especially after watching you perform Astronaut straight after hearing the news. You are SO FUCKING STRONG and you amaze me with the amount of love you have for everyone. and I don’t just mean your love for friends, family and fans… you obviously just care so much and can’t find it in you to prioritize all the people that mean even an ounce of SOMETHING to you.

    I love you and after watching Anthony read “swamp” I also love him. (if you see this tell him we all love him)

    xx
    Rachel. (perth)

  • Marisa

    I cant say im not a little bummed but this is the right thing i dont think any of us would want to see it any other way, be with him love him do what friends do and know we fully support you <3

  • http://twitter.com/kjerstioghvalen liti kjersti

    i want to tell you some things and i don’t know why (or maybe i do) but i’ve wanted to for a very long time and now i will. you’ve shared your all with me (with us) and now i want to share with you.

    1) i don’t have any ticket to see you. i’m not really capable of going on any long journeys, because of money and because of… other things that i will get to. so i’m not losing anything (except maybe the chance to see some kickass youtube videos and photos) because of your choice. still, i want so badly to forgive you – or, rather, to make the permission you’ve already given yourself stronger. you are doing the right thing, which is often (one of those wonderful, true clichés) the most difficult thing to do. you’re being, as always, very brave. and i trust you, amanda. i trust your choices.

    2) my mother died of cancer when i was eleven, after a year of getting sick and getting better and getting sicker and getting better and getting sicker again. at the very end, she would forget who we were and where she was. she looked… very old. her skin was yellow. she had no hair. and all the holes in her arms from needles… she died holding the hand of my father and her brother. i regret, now, not visiting her every day, not giving more, not being there as much. and at the same time, i don’t. because i was eleven. i was exhausted and scared and i didn’t really have any friends to talk to about it. the bullies wouldn’t let go of me even though they knew she was sick and dying, they laughed at me for crying at school. i was hurting a lot. and i dealt with it as well as i could. still, if something similar happened now, it would be different. i am twenty-three. and i would, i am certain of it, do what you’re doing now. even though there is a different choice, there really isn’t – you know?

    3) i’m mentally ill. i can’t work or go to school (yet – i’m hoping). thankfully, because of our tax system and free health care and all, i’ve got professional help and i’ve got an income. but i’m not all right at all. i’ve had a very hard life so far, with many traumatic incidents and i put so much pressure on myself to keep it all in and to just wait it out for years and years and years, trying to just be ok, to be normal, to be good enough, to manage things, to be well and smiling and not a burden and not burned out and not scared and not… everything that i was. i smothered myself because i thought that i had no other choice, and i didn’t know that i was ill. it lasted until three years ago, and then i couldn’t do it anymore, i collapsed, and i more or less slept for months while waiting for some kind of help. i listened a lot to your first solo album around this time, and to a lot of the dresden dolls. all the crazy i’d stored up found a space in your music. and the fear and the exhaustion and the big splashes of red and hot white.

    now i know how sick i actually am. i’ve never been one to lash out, i always just held it in. i’m not dangerous or aggressive at all. but parts of my mind is broken, and i don’t function very well. i have body dysmorphic disorder, ad/hd and traits from several different personality disorders – the strongest ones being from emotionally unstable (or borderline) personality disorder, and schizotypal (not to be confused with schizoid) personality disorder. the latter of the two is scary and confusing and very difficult. basically one part of me is at war with the other – in no way two different personalities or people, just two completely different ways of looking and thinking and being and percieving trying to eliminate each other – and one of them is… not exactly normal. i feel very alone in it, because i’ve never met anyone who’s been capable of following the way my mind works. i have many ways of explaining it to people, usually using metaphors, like this one:

    imagine something you know to be completely, undeniably true. a fact. imagine that this fact scares you beyond anything and that what you want most of ALL is for it not to be true. and then imagine that no one else in the world thinks of it as fact or truth at all – imagine how alone you would feel in it, especially seeing as you’re unable to trust in anybody elses truth but your own.

    i’m not talking about psychosis or anything like that. it’s very, very different. but it’s awful and confusing and lonely.

    i hide in “half jack” with my inner war and my differing truths; “jack” being a metaphor for the part of me that is… well, schizotypal.

    4) half a year ago i managed to teach myself, again, how to get out of bed every day and be outside every day. i’ve managed to keep it up. i used to hide in “have to drive” (and i still do, sometimes) when i couldn’t get up. when the guilt got overwhelming.

    5) i’ve held on to “ampersand” for dear life and fought very, very hard to be able to be alone. i’ve worked at it for years and i keep working at it. i know, now, that i’ll never be as independent as you are, but that i want to be (and will be) less dependant than i am, now. and i relish being alone sometimes – i never could do that before.

    6) you made me fall in love with hairy armpits and genitals on both men and women – gave me that little nudge i needed. the permission we all crave to do what we want and need to do (or love). you made me fall in love with honesty. and when it comes to honesty…

    7) i write, by my full name, about being mentally ill, about the system of mental health care, about guilt, about grief, sex, joy, depression, hope. i recently held a speech about it at a large conference where i got to shake many important hands. a lot of people gave me their tears and their love afterwards. i have been interviewed in one of norway’s biggest papers. i fight for the stigma and taboos attached to mental illness to disappear. i fight for honesty and openness and acceptance. i fight to make teenagers and young adults realize that things that hurt aren’t their fault and that it’s ok to seek help to deal with them – that shame has no place in all of this. i fight for myself; for being visible. i remember declaring to one of my close friends (another one of your fans) that i wanted to “be the amanda palmer of mental health”. and i still want that.

    8) i’ve followed your blog for years, reading and feeling and thinking and hoping that i could one day be as safe as you are, or comfortable with not being safe. i’ve never hid myself from love or feelings or experiences or knowledge, i dove into all of it, and it damaged me severely, in the end. but i hope to one day come back to it all, to studying things and working hard (for other things than staying alive and trying to get less… sick) – and you sometimes manage to turn that hope, that wanting, into actual faith.

    9) i wish to one day get a chance to be your friend. i know the chance is incredibly small, but there it is, one of the things i wish for.

    10) i love you so very, very much.

    • http://www.facebook.com/sarah.rigley Sarah Haynes

      I have also suffered from mental illness since I was very young. I admire the work you are doing to help people understand. It gets easier in time but it’s part of you for life. Amanda’s music has touched on a lot of the pain and confusion that every person experiences, but it has felt especially true for the mentally ill or for times of intense grief and loneliness.

      • http://twitter.com/kjerstioghvalen liti kjersti

        i’m sorry to hear about your illness. i wish no one had to experience such things – and i hope you’re better now, or maybe even pretty ok, or great. so far most of the stuff with me only gets worse with time – if it’s left alone. but i’m working on it and i’ve got help, so, maybe in a few years, yeah? thank you for your lovely words.

        • http://www.facebook.com/sarah.rigley Sarah Haynes

          Over time, with the right cocktail of medications and learning your own strength, it gets easier. It gets easier when you learn to love yourself because sometimes that’s all you have. And it gets easier when you stop having urges to be adventurous and go off your medications, lol. But in all sincerity, learning to be there for myself, to forgive myself for being ill, and to love myself and take care of myself was the best thing. It’s a deeply individual journey, and I wish you luck on yours as well. :)

    • http://www.facebook.com/felipe.moebis Felipe Alejandro Moebis Rojas

      You are strong. Keep being strong. Lots and lots of love for you, my dear.

      • http://twitter.com/kjerstioghvalen liti kjersti

        thank you thank you thank you. i never knew how to be weak, i think – though i thought i was for quite some time. and then i learned that there’s an enormous difference between being weakened and being weak.

    • tina

      What you have written touched me quite a bit. Although we might not share the same history and the same diagnoses I do think I understand what it feels like, when you realize that your brain and mind works so differently from that of others, in ways you can’t quite explain except with metaphors and images. I really respect you for sharing this with us.

      • http://twitter.com/kjerstioghvalen liti kjersti

        thank you for your respect. it means so much to me. all the “likes” on my comment, and tweets i’ve gotten and… all of this. thank you. it’s very hard to be different when it holds you back and keeps you down instead of strengthening you; especially if you don’t understand any of it or how to make it better.

    • maiamadness

      Klem.

      • GumDropButtons

        Fair play for sharing that, I know opening up isn’t easy.

        • http://twitter.com/kjerstioghvalen liti kjersti

          it was hard at first, a few years ago, but now it feels like the only thing i can do. and i want to do it. thank you.

      • http://twitter.com/kjerstioghvalen liti kjersti

        klem til deg óg.

    • Eriana Marcus

      the beautiful, honest, incredibly brave – . . .I didn’t know what I was going to post here – except i’ve ‘been there’ in so many ways too – and i didn’t want it to be ‘about me’ though – thank you, amanda, and all of you, like me, and others who are full love, perhaps weird, damaged – but NOT BROKEN – we are all very strong. LOVE TO ALL OF YOU.

      • http://twitter.com/kjerstioghvalen liti kjersti

        thank you so much, love. i feel broken, because i don’t… work. or function. but perhaps damaged is a better word.

    • Nemosceol

      This may seem inappropriate- but could you please email me?

      Some of the things you’ve said here explain the way my mind works in a way i’ve been trying to understand and explain to doctors and friends for a while and never gotten anywhere.

      I dont even know if its the same thing- but I understand the war- I feel like there is smart me and crazy me, and smart me knows what the normal behaviour is and the reasons i should do it, but crazy me has a louder voice and her arguments are based more in emotion and disordered thinking… and when I try to explain this to people they think I have multiple personalities or something… but its not that… its conflicting simultaneous thought patterns.

      • http://twitter.com/kjerstioghvalen liti kjersti

        hi there. it’s not inappropriate at all – however, i have some concerns. you see, being ill, as i am, i need to make sure that i don’t end up as someone elses go-to-person or support system, because i just don’t have room or strength for it – or, i do, but it makes me very tired and overwhelmed to converse with other people who are unstable and sick. not that it seems like you’re asking me for support – seems like you mainly want information and a bit of direction? in that case, you’re welcome to email me at penguins_and_cats@hotmail.com. i might be slow to respond(days, weeks – but i won’t forget it), because i’m not doing so well right now, but if i can provide you with some information or give you a push, i want to. i don’t know much about how mental health/illness is dealt with in other countries, so my advice might be a bit vague, but. yes.

        i’m very sorry to hear that you have been misjudged and misunderstood. it’s hard to communicate what’s wrong in the right way when you don’t really know enough about it yourself. when you know something’s wrong, but not why, or how to explain it in the “right” way.

    • cynthiamachine
      • http://twitter.com/kjerstioghvalen liti kjersti

        hiya, sorry, but the embed won’t work. link?

    • http://twitter.com/kashiichan カシイちゃん

      Words are not enough to describe how inspiring, emotionally fracturing and wonderful both you and Amanda Palmer are.

      Both of your posts have left me in tears, yet strangely hopeful.

      I genuinely don’t think AFP needs our forgiveness, but by god she has my permission.

    • BNPQOE

      Again, it’s happening. We keep posting here and finding support with each other. As it should be.

    • cynthiamachine
  • RiverVox

    Amanda, I want you to go on your heart and home tour. We’ll leave the light on. Love All Ways.

  • Mal

    You don’t need anybody’s forgiveness for doing the right thing.
    Love to you both.

  • http://twitter.com/distortedabso Emily

    I think the most important thing right now is to do what you need to do. You have the option so you have to take it or you will regret it forever. There are so many people who will help to carry you through this horrible period and be there when you come out the other side. I am sending all the luck and love and support that you need to all of you. We are here when you need us. Xxxxxxxx

  • taniasue

    This is why we love you. You are absolutely making the best choice. Be with Anthony, this is a hard journey. I’ve been watching one of our best friends going through finding out, out of the blue, then that he not only had a rare form of AML but that he’s a hybrid. I pray that Anthony’s battle gives him remission, and then a cure. Matt is going through his 2nd round of experimental chemo (it’s working) than will be getting one more round, full body radiation than his bone marrow transplant. He was blessed and his sister was a 100% match. I pray Anthony, you and his friends and family are surrounded with love and healing. Big hugs to you both. Will be checking out his book.
    So very proud of you xo

  • Mel

    We love you. Be with your friend. We’re with you.

  • http://glee-through-the-looking-glass.tumblr.com Amelia E. Adler

    When I found out the tour was canceled – via the ticket outlet first – I was sad. I had been so excited to see you live in my little Narnia at last! But then I read this post and I know now, and I am proud of you, because that’s what a good person should do, and you are a good person, and you’ve always been. So be there for your friend and we’ll wait patiently for you. In the meantime, we in Poland send our love to you and Anthony. Stay strong <3

  • Jess

    The only right thing to do! Most love and luck to you both! xxx

  • http://twitter.com/sufferwell1013 sufferwell1013

    You’re right – you’re not letting anyone down. It’s the right decision. I’m proud of you, I bet we all are proud of you. And we won’t go away.

    Lots and lots of love to you and Anthony (whose book I will get myself for X-Mas btw!)

  • Katie O’Meara

    My best friend and I had tickets to the show you were going to be doing in Dublin, and I can say with absolute certainty that if she were sick, I would cross mountains to be with her and help her. We both understand completely. You do what you need to do. All the best to you and Anthony. <3

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100002350057963 Lennox Meldrum

    The dude(ette) abides.

  • http://www.facebook.com/krogh47 Louise Krogh Nielsen

    I’ll be rooting for you, and for your Anthony especially.

    I’m crying now, as I cried when I got the tickets to see you here in Denmark(which was unfreakingbelievable). But I’m not crying because you’re cancelling, but because you’re so great. You never ever cease to amaze me, and yes, you’re being just the person I want you to be. And the person I know you to be. And I am so freaking happy for you, that you have the possibility of cancelling all this, to do what you want.

    I hope you’ll also use this time for yourself, to take a much deserved break, and relax, while holding your Anthony’s hand.

    Go with the Force.
    It is strong with this one.

    I hope we will still meet one day.

  • cherielkins

    Do this. It is more important than all the concerts in the world. I’m glad you’ve got your priorities in order. I’m glad you’re filled with love and loyalty.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=658483364 Sara Ivette

    Your fans understand, Amanda. You are doing the right thing. Whether on tour or taking care of Anthony, we will be here. Please, both of you, draw strength and love for us. You’ll get through this. Much health to both of you.

  • jake

    Every time a gig gets canceled, I feel some kind of disappointment. But not this time. You know us well, Amanda, there’s no need to say sorry as we know you’re sorry and that you’ve looked forward to doing this tour as much as we have.

    Cheers to Anthony! AFP’s best friend is our friend and we’re with you, both of you.

  • http://twitter.com/bamahippie1 Marleah Blades

    You choose the better thing. Love.

  • bryceF

    The way you’ve shared your experiences throughout the years with your fans has given so many the hope that is life. So many people yearn to have their Anthony, and the ones who do know how much that transcends regular relationships. Thank you for helping others know this wonderful man. There are usually only a handful of people a person can count on as always there for them.

    For Anthony to face this rotten monster with you by his side
    giving him as much love and care that he gave to you is the only choice you could have made and should be understood by those who are aware of the situation.

    You are making the right decision on so many fronts I need not reiterate you post, I just wanted to say Thank you Amanda and Anthony for reasons only the two of you would fully understand, but from reading your blog and watching the video of Anthony reading one of his stories, the love, understanding and joy is apparent. Myself and many others wish Anthony the strength to beat this affliction and perhaps for him to have many more stories to share.

  • karohemd

    I sincerely hope that Anthony will be able to pull through, others have, and you are indeed his best friend for being there for him during this time.
    Is there somewhere we could donate that would benefit Anthony’s treatment directly?
    I doubt there is a way of turning the ticket cost directly into a donation but what I would like to do is get a refund and donate that.

    *positive vibes*

  • http://twitter.com/littlenikita littlenikita

    Your were right when you said we wouldn’t expect you to be any different than who you are. My heart goes out to you, Anthony and all your friends and family for what you must be going through. We love you and understand and support your decision. Stay strong sister to you and Anthony

  • http://twitter.com/grubsneerg grubsneerg

    you’re being the person i’d want to be.

  • http://twitter.com/emsquarenc J Michael

    “These are the choices we make, which define us.”

    Wholeheartedly with you on this choice. I feel a sense of relief that your band/team/fans are supporting you through this difficult time. Sometimes the needs of the one (yourself and Anthony) really do outweigh the needs (wants) of the many. This is such a time. Sincerely hoping you can be blessed with the pronouncement of “Full remission” and the joy that will accompany that.

    With affection & hope from an absent friend

  • lentower

    you don’t need anyone’s permission.

    you have my 111.1% approval and love.

  • http://twitter.com/raliel robin stevenson

    we love you and understand completely………by rights it is we who should all get together and do a gig for Anthony and you will be allowed to be the audience

    • scar

      robin, i think this is an excellent idea! we should totally arrange this.

      • Cassie Smith

        Im down for helping with something like that – I support a ton of cancer charities…

    • http://www.facebook.com/OWspicywatermelon Nicole Xao

      I agree; this is a good idea

    • Katie

      This would be amazing!

    • AshShields

      I’d be up to help organise/play. We could perhaps get in contact and see if we could play the shows that got cancelled, on the same night and everything. It’d be nice.

    • http://twitter.com/emsquarenc J Michael

      This is a completely brilliant idea! The Anthony & Amanda Love Festival. Bring the love The cannoli is optional.

  • http://neversaynikki.tumblr.com Nikki

    We love you for being a human just as much as (if not more than) we love you for being a rockstar. And being a rockstar may be draining and wild and equal parts beautiful and painful, but so is being human. I think we all want you to be happy, and to be you. To be human.

    It’s not that we’ll be here when you get back, it’s that we’ll be here with you through all of it. Love to you, and to Anthony.

  • http://www.facebook.com/AgaresPL Paweł Łuczkiewicz

    I think that cancelling the tour is a big disappointment, for me and for you. But it doesn’t matter. It’s your friend. And it would be much much much more disappointing, if he was let down. So I am sure, that you’re doing the right thing. And I’m sure, that when you say you’re gonna do the gigs, when he’s cured I have no doubt, that you mean it.

  • sylvia k

    i’m so proud of you because you’re a strong courageous human being and sometimes it takes a lot of guts to make the choices that are right for us. hang in there. we’re all with you. love.

  • http://twitter.com/Russty Russty

    We love you so much Amanda. We will always be here when your ready. Life and friends are so important I’m glad you are taking this time to be with Anthony. It’s the right thing to do for all of us. <3

  • Veronica

    Be with him. We love you, and we’ll wait for as long as it takes. Don’t feel like you’re throwing away this very special moment of your career – Theatre Is Evil is not going anywhere. You know the most important thing is that you are alright, and he is alright.

  • chrisfrazier
  • bee

    all you had to say was “my best friend is very very sick and i have to go” anyone who has a true best friend doesnt need anymore.

  • Carly

    You don’t need to apologise for doing the right thing, Amanda. Love and well wishes to you and Anthony xx

  • Deathorthetoypiano

    My Nan died when I was 17. She had emphysema, diagnosed shortly after my Grandad died when I was 9. I don’t remember a time when I wasn’t aware that we didn’t have much time left. We always visited her on Wednesdays, went to the supermarket with her, did chores for her, you know. And Wednesday was our day. My friend were always asking me to go out with them on Wednesdays, and I always refused. I see you cancelling the tour as your Wednesdays. It’s what you need to do. I would have regretted every day I missed with her, and you’d regret not cancelling it, too. Go, and remember we love you. Do what you have to do so you can face yourself in the mirror. Xxxxxxxxx

  • http://www.facebook.com/jessicarosepins Jessica Rosepins Johnson

    sending all the love in the world, and hugs. so many hugs

  • http://twitter.com/jujyfruit0 Jessica Schwab

    You don’t need permission or forgiveness. You do the things you need to do because if you didn’t? You would be Amanda Fucking Palmer. And that’s who we love. You’re absolutely right – we need you to do what’s in your heart because that’s who you are. There’s time enough until there isn’t. Take the time you need. We’re with you the whole way.

  • http://twitter.com/Bird1Bass Nigel Bird

    Nuff said, wishing you and Anthony strength and love for the uncetain times ahead, see you in Bristol sometime

  • http://twitter.com/Ellie_Di Ellie Di Julio

    Thank you for choosing the way you did. I’ll admit I’m not one of those effected by the cancellation, but the story and your choice is too powerful to not give gratitude. In the gogogo pace of life we’ve accepted as normal, desirable and okay, this is another brick in the road you’re paving to do what’s right and what’s healthy rather than what we’re expected to do. Love to you and yours.

  • ab fab

    I understand.

  • http://twitter.com/kellypuffs kellypuffs

    Brava! Our hearts go with you.

  • http://twitter.com/rhiarti Rhiarti

    Ah wow, if you think you’re letting anyone down, I think you underestimate what you bring to the party. It’s not just the music. It’s not just the show. It’s the person. That’s what most inspires: it’s you. Putting everything aside to be there for someone you love when they need you most? That’s 100% living up to the bargain… that’s you being the you-est you, and that’s all anyone can – or should – ask. There’s precious few people whose lives haven’t been touched on by cancer in some way. Pretty damn sure all our thoughts and love are with you, with Anthony, with all those whose lives are directly touched by him right now.

  • http://twitter.com/Brindolyn Brindolyn

    My mom went through cancer treatments last year. My dad had just opened a restaurant, but he didn’t think twice about shutting it down so he could be with my mom every step of the way. He & I took care of her after her mastectomy, we sat with her during each & every chemo treatment and every radiation session. When someone you love goes through that, the world gets put on hold. And if the people in your world are worth their salt, they’ll understand. And the world will be there when you get back. Anthony is incredibly lucky to have someone like you in his life. All the best to y’all!

  • http://alwayscoffee.wordpress.com Ali Trotta

    Here is what I know. In 2010, my mom was diagnosed with stage four metastatic breast cancer. At the beginning of her treatment, I was working. After four months, I quit my job and moved home. It was the easiest decision I’ve ever made. I took care of my mom from then on, taking to her to a lot of her doctors appointments, tests, and treatments. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. To watch someone put poison into their body, knowing that it was the only hope they had. Knowing that it was the right thing, even if it was the hard thing. And my mom? She was a fighter. That doesn’t even begin to cover how strong she was, how strong she’d always been. Initially, she was given three months to live. One doctor basically told her to just go home and give up.

    Two years and seven months. That is how long she fought. For two years and seven months, life was hard. Life was about oxygen tanks, chemo, radiation, and cooking things she MIGHT eat. It was keeping our sense of humor, when things went badly. Because laughter, man. It makes all the difference in the world. Having people around makes all the difference. Being able to rail at the world, and laugh, and even just be PISSED. Sometimes, you need to be angry at things. Then, have a cookie. Or listen to sad music. But the most important thing, for my mom and our family, was being able to laugh.

    Watching her go through what she went through was the worst ever. But it was the right choice. If I had to choose again, I’d still quit my job, even knowing that job hunting is going to be a special kind of hell. I’d still take care of her. Because it’s PEOPLE who are important. All the rest is just incidental, when you think about WHAT and WHO really matter.

    You aren’t letting ANYONE down, by being there for an important person in your life. If someone doesn’t GET that, the failing is on him/her. You are doing a brave, right, wonderful, hard, amazing thing. Because Anthony is your people. And your people get priority.

    Sending all the love in the world. And, even though we don’t know each other personally, if you need someone to talk about this? To get advice or just vent? Email me. I get it. xoxox

    • Angel7306

      I get what you mean by cooking what she MIGHT eat. My partner’s mom has stage 4 mets BC, and during chemo it was an accomplishment to get her to eat ONE cracker with a tsp of applesauce. She’s at a good point right now, and she’s trying to enjoy life in spite of the uncertainty of it deciding to spread more. But sadly, she just found out that her best friend only has 2 weeks or so left. Cancer sucks.

      • http://alwayscoffee.wordpress.com Ali Trotta

        It’s quite a challenge, with the food. At one point, Ensure shakes helped. But those don’t taste so great. I am glad that she’s trying to enjoy life, despite the uncertainty. That’s really important. But her best friend, too? that sucks beyond the telling of it. Sending hugs.

  • http://twitter.com/RobinReads robinreads

    Amanda, I’m so proud of you for doing this! You will never regret it.

    I gave up what basically amounted to 3 years of my life to go through the same thing with my best friend, and then to help her children after she was gone. I have never regretted it for one minute.

    You’re being the kind of friend for Anthony that he has been for you, and there is nothing better you could do at this moment. Please know that we will support you through all of this – you most definitely have our permission and our blessings.

  • http://www.facebook.com/Kenneth.Clench Kenneth Clench

    I’m not one of the Kickstarter Party people, nor unfortunately am I able to travel to see you live, but I wanted to say that right now, your place is with your friend. Go do what you need to do.

    We’ll all be here when you’re ready. Ready to party the fuck out!

    Ken

  • http://twitter.com/kekekelela Cheryl

    I did the same thing with my mother. No regrets.

  • parisiancryingsignwriter

    dear amanda

    the first time i saw you was in paris, and when we learned via twitter how bad your voice was, and how sick you were, we ( friends and i, but i think that other people in the crowd coul have felt the same way ) were terribly worried about you cancelling the show. doubtful about the karaoke plan, because for my part i sing like a dying cat, in fact we didn’t felt like coming on stage and sing with you, since we’re singing catastrophes, all worrying about fucking up the song, and so on.

    afterwards, i understood that you just don’t care about how shity our singing is. that wasn’t the point. i missed it. i think i’m not the only one who did. you wanted to share something with us, i thought about managing to be good, about performance and all that lousy misunderstanding led me into missing an amazing thing.

    what i mean is that even if you weren’t able to gave us what we came for, you found a way to turn this night into something amazing, that, for my part, i will never forget. i say it partly because being a sign writer i had the chance to meet you, for true, but i think people in the crowd would think the same thing.

    you give us so much. you do all you can do to share with us, and when you’re not able to give us something, then you manage to share something else. your music is something that is for me very important. your contribution to global happiness for every broken hearted motherfucker. a little part of you being there anytime when we need it, to listen to while smocking crack or getting drunk or crying on your falling apart relationship or mourning your goldfish or whatever we want. no matter how it sounds like.

    this is what i psychologically lean on when feeling so desperatly alone that i could just turn mad and never come back to sanity again. that’s why i think that i have to do this little thing for you, if you care about our point of view, and if you want us to ” bless ” your cancelling, then i’ll do it. go and do what you have to do. we freaky fans can wait. maybe anthony can’t. you don’t have to apologize, i think no one has the right to ask you to do so.

    you are free. go with all the love i can give, and please keep on being the modern times amazon who save us from the everyday life’s tyranny
    LOVE
    elsa, the crying sign writer from paris

  • Justine

    I have to admit, I am only an occasional reader of this blog, and a rather silent one. I struggle with words but I still want to let you know my thoughts… I think your decision is incredibly brave and nothing is more inspiring to me than bravery in the name of friendship. I don’t think you’re taking anything away from the fans by canceling your tour, I think you’re giving even more to us, by telling us yours and Anthony’s story. I am incredibly humbled and grateful of the generosity you show by sharing this story with us. I wish you both all the love and hope and strength you will need in this journey. And if on some days, you’re too tired or angry or sad, we will hope for you. With all my love.

  • spef

    love xxx

  • http://coinoperatedbear.deviantart.com/ CoinOperatedBear

    After losing 2 friends to cancer this year and my grandparents last year (one of whom I did a portrait of which was included during that performance of Lost in Toronto) I totally understand. I would have understood if you cancelled last month’s TO show. I’ve got my fingers crossed for Anthony and send much love your way.

    Go, do.

  • ArianeC

    Du soutien, du courage, et de la tendresse. Tu es un humaine magnifique !

  • Sarah V.

    As everyone else said: You’re doing the right thing. Won’t get into my own version of the story but… being there is always the right thing. So important.

    I’ll give some advice to people currently freaking out (privately) about non-refundable flight and hotel reservations for canceled shows… this has happened to me before. If you call up and be nice and beg them to transfer it to a credit or to reschedule it to a different date, they will often let you. Tell them it was circumstances beyond your control. You might have to pay a change fee or pay a difference in price. But it’s better than losing all the money, and maybe you can reschedule your trip for the new concert date(s).

  • Kymberly S-

    Amanda, I have been on the edges of your fanbase for a while, mostly because of friends who are fans, or through my being a fan of your husband, but I’ve just been sort of quietly idling by and thinking, hey, this person is sort of awesome.

    This, however, this broke my heart and I wish I could give you a hug. I understand. Oh, do I understand. My mom was diagnosed in September, its pretty much untreatable and despite her being in what seemed to be relative good health (the woman has already survived a seriously physically traumatic car accident, a stroke, a heart attack and a 3 month coma in the last ten years), the cancer is so far advanced, the doctor feels she’s only got about, well at the time, six months. Geezus, that’s three now. Damn it. She’s my best friend, has been my entire life, my biggest cheerleader, my shoulder to cry on, the one I come to when I don’t know where else to turn and the idea of her being gone, of not being able to have her there, have that shared history, that shared experience, is killing me. More importantly, it is making me resent every single thing that comes between me and time with her. Work, sleep, social obligations, I’m starting to be angry at all of it, because there is not enough time left. Never enough time.

    You’ve done the right thing. For you, for him, for your fans. Better that you be there, that you fill that need to be there, then come to later resent it all for what it takes away from you. It’s not something we can ever get back.

    I wish you, and Anthony, the best.

  • http://www.facebook.com/victoria.s.logue Victoria Steele Logue

    Excellent decision, and one I am sure you will never regret. Good things are worth waiting for and your true fans will never leave you.

  • http://twitter.com/madwomanwabox Mad Woman With A Box

    I came to you through Neil. Trying desperately to remedy the fact that I haven’t heard much of your work yet, but LOVE what I have heard (ASTRONAUT is one of my fave songs). But stuff like this doesn’t really have much to do with being a fan or not being a fan, does it? So I’ll just say I heard from your mister that you’re having a rough time because your best friend has cancer.

    I lost my mother to brain cancer on Christmas Eve, 1995. I was thirteen, and I saw her the day before she died. I was probably one of the last people to see her alive.

    You stand by your best friend, and do NOT worry about anything. Your fans love you, they will wait. Your man loves you, he will let you cry on his shoulder. Standing by a loved one while they fight a war like this is not easy, so take care of yourself, and know that while you’re being strong for your homeboy, Neil and the rest of Planet Earth will be strong for you.

    Rock on, babe. We’re all pulling for you and for Anthony.

  • KPMsquared

    I know the approval of a stranger doesn’t really mean much, but I just wanted you to know that I’m proud of the decision you made. We would be no where without the love and support of our family and friends and it’s important to remember to return the love. I think it’s really great what you’re doing. Good luck to Anthony! I’ll keep him in my prayers!

  • Michael

    I felt that I’m not really the right person to comment, because I don’t consider myself a real fan. I supported the Kickstarter, bought some music, but mostly I’m here because I trust Neil’s taste, and because you seem to have a good influence on him.

    Then I thought that maybe I can comment on this, from a nearly-outsider perspective: You are not our parents rockstar. You have a large fan base of people who feel a personal connection to you, because you share. A lot. You don’t just give people music to consume, you let them take part in your life. These people don’t think of you as a star, but more as a friend, even if they’ve never met you. And this is why I’m pretty sure that the overwhelming reaction will be “You’re doing the right thing. Stay with your friend, we will be here for you, whatever happens.” Because sharing works both ways. By telling you to do the right thing – by being patient – we can give something back.

    I’ll see you in Europe, next year, or the year after. I can wait.

  • annied0g

    There’s nothing to explain, Amanda, but thank you very much for sharing this with all of us.. I’ll plan another travel whenever you come, but it says a lot of the kind of person you are that you are doing all this. Your friend is so lucky to have you by his side at this moment. Hope everything gets better!!

  • snarkinator

    Amanda Palmer, you are my hero.

  • http://www.facebook.com/gabe.goldmic Gabe Goldmic

    be where you need to be. we’ll still be here, in some way, shape or form. life happens, we adapt. best wishes to anthony on this.
    cheers

  • luna

    i don’t blame you, you’re making the right choice. sometimes it IS a hard choice to make, and sometimes the right path only becomes clear in hindsight. this i know all too well. a month after i graduated high school, in july of ’98, my brother was diagnosed with cancer. we spent as much time as we could, but still, at the end of the summer i went off to college. he died that october. i regret to this day not putting off school so i could have seen him out. and for a very long time i was so angry with my younger sisters who got to be there in the end. but i was young and foolish and didn’t realize how permanent death is. i know now that i made the wrong choice, and i would give anything to go back and do it all over again. and even though you might piss off some of the people hoping to see you, it’s far better to live with another’s temporary anger than your own regrets. sending you thoughts of love and strength <3

  • Bianca

    Dear Amanda,

    some things are more important than a tour. This is one of them. Gigs get cancelled without any reason given sometimes, you give us a very good reason. Don’t fret, people will still be there for you. Much love & strenght xxx

  • Jomo

    Hi Amanda – You are absolutely doing the right thing as family and friends are irreplacable.
    I’ve lost a couple of people close to me to cancer and seen others get through it – never ever give up hope that everything will be ok :)

  • Gina T.

    From the beginning, you have always opened yourself up to fans, the likes of which I’ve never seen…which makes me love and respect you all the more. Yes, you are doing exactly what you need to do, Amanda. No regrets. You’re giving Anthony all the love in the world to keep with him on his journey, wherever it takes him. Good on you for taking care of him as he took care of you for all of those years. You take care of each other and there is the indelible circle, drawn in the earth with a stick.

    Love, Respect and Hugs to both of you…<3

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1148934754 Valeria Iglesias

    cancer sucks
    and friendship is blessing
    what else can we say?

  • http://communicatrix.com communicatrix

    Thank you for being a human being. It is profoundly buoying to witness. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your friend.

  • Joanna

    In order to make good art, you must be human first. Take care of your family and your self. Your fans trust you.

  • http://www.micropsialies.tumblr.com Catherine Hamilton

    Of course, we’re disappointed – but not selfishly so. It’s what happens when you share the love around!

    That doesn’t mean that you’re letting us down. We need you to look after you, and if that means postponing one night in a lifetime for us, for the final chapters of Anthony’s lifetime on earth, how could anyone possibly argue with that?

    We love you. You know that.

    We’ll be waiting patiently, quietly. And, if anything, I imagine our hugs will just be warmer, longer and tighter than before.

    Be strong for Anthony.

    Leave the rest up to us. :)

    ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

  • http://twitter.com/LASeubert Laurie Seubert

    You are not alone. One of my oldest and dearest friends was diagnosed with cancer — for the second time this year — in August. He was initially given six months to live in August, but has responded to treatment well enough that he has been given a 50/50 chance of making it to his daughter’s 8th birthday next December. I would gladly give up an hour, a day, a week, or longer if it could extend my friend’s life.

    Take care of Anthony. Take care of yourself. We’ll be here when you return. XO

  • http://twitter.com/angidas Angi

    I completely understand. I lose my husband suddenly on June 17th of this year. My kids lost their father on Father’s Day. How fucking ironic is that. There will be other chances to preform and make music, but the time you have the ones you love you can never get back. Do what you got to do sister. ((((BIG BIG HUGS))))

  • Alan Wexelblat

    It was a privilege to get to see you two at Anthony’s book coming-out party. Your intro and his stories made things so much clearer to me. I totally understand why you’re doing this and I’m glad you’re in a position to be able to do it.

  • Laura

    Bloody Brilliant decision! You’re an amazing person and you friend is lucky to have you in his life. I hope all goes well with his treatment. My mum’s just gone into Remission from Breast Cancer so I know a little of what you’re going through.

    Hugs from Scotland

    Laura xx

  • WadyWiwwow

    Do what you need to do. Be Anthony’s helper and rock. There will be time for rocking the fuck out things soon enough & we’ll be there covered with glitter and love. xxx

  • Tiffany

    Amanda, my dear, I so admire your heart. I love you dearly, and I want you to go be with Anthony. It’s the right thing to do. I’m not disappointed in you, I’m proud of you. You inspire me with your kindness and faithfulness. Don’t allow anyone to make you feel like you are otherwise. We will still be here later, lovingly waiting to patch you up if need-be.

    You are a good person, doing the right thing. I love you.

  • http://www.facebook.com/eyenetics Jack Bartlett

    You can make another kick ass album, you can’t make another kick ass Anthony. I’m so happy you’ve made this decision. Love/fam before everything. Sending all my best thoughts your way xx

  • Jessica Wagstrom

    Life happens, Amanda. And even though you’re “Amanda Fucking Palmer”, you’re a human being like everyone else. You are making the right decision, of course we support you and understand. But here’s some extra love anyway. <3

  • Guest

    Of course.

    I loved my little brother. I thought he was the kindest person I’d ever known. But when our Mum was diagnosed with lung cancer last year.. he was 24 and he had plans. He didn’t stop his plans for her. He moved away, got on with his life. Those were his plans before her diagnosis and he didn’t deviate from them. And, I tell you, I HATED him for that. I was more disappointed in him then than I’ve ever been in anyone before or since. That he didn’t stop for her, didn’t slow down, didn’t (apparently) even consider it. He just went on.. like his life stuff (new girlfriend, new job) was more important than his mothers life-or-death stuff. More important than her suffering, more important than everything she’d ever done for him. He wasn’t there when she went into hospital. He wasn’t there when she came out. He didn’t cook her meals for weeks or change her dressings or help her move around the house. He didn’t even offer. He barely even called. He wasn’t there when she got the all clear. I had to call him on that day to remind him to call her and ask how she was doing. I’ve never felt such anger. And I *never* thought I would feel like that toward him. But when the time came, he chose what was best for him. Not out of fear or denial, but a simple choice to not be there for her. I am very very glad you have not made a similar choice.

    BE THERE for your loved ones. Of course. It shouldn’t even be a decision. Thank you for the choice you have made. Thank you on behalf of anyone who has ever felt let down by a loved one in their time of greatest need.

    xo

  • http://twitter.com/hayleyfiasco Hayley Fiasco!

    The thing that gets me about Fiona’s letter, is that my pup was my biggest relationship, the one relationship that I’ve had with me through the last 17 years, unconditional love and support and comfort, through the worst days of my life and the best days. And I find it hard to explain what that means because she’s a dog & not a human & I think Fiona did an excellent job of describing it. I lost my dog 7 months ago (mouth cancer) & the fact that i was with her & showered her with love & whatever comfort i could, is something that’s hard, but so very very important. I knew that I couldn’t move without her, I couldn’t be independent and abandon her, because that is not what you do, not when your best friend is sick and the days seem numbered. This is all hard to explain because it’s so deeply personal – your biggest relationship – so to be in the public and to make plans for your life that affect thousands of other people must be incredibly challenging, like you have to justify your very existence. But the thing is – you don’t. I understand, and I hope and believe that everyone will understand. This is the least selfish selfish decision anyone could ever have to make. Disappointment is temporary, regret is permanent, and you have to do what you know in your heart is clear because you have to live with you, and Anthony and your relationship with him, both deserve you – they deserve you completely. This may be one of the hardest lesson/teaching that Anthony will give you, but I’m sure you’ll find it to be one of the most fulfilling and important.

    love.

    • lentower

      Extermely well said.

    • KZS

      <3 Haley

    • Alexandra Scott

      Hayley –

      Yes.

      I just lost my dog too, three weeks ago today, and….yes.

      love,
      Alexandra

  • Phil Jones

    I so understand what you are doing. It is the human thing to do, to be with one you care for. A tour can be re-scheduled but time cannot and you have a much better place to spend it.
    I respect you so much for doing this, putting a friend before money. Thank goodness there is no label to put the wrong pressure on you.
    I saw you in October and was so looking forward to seeing you again but I can wait.
    *Love and understanding plus a hug to your friend* best wishes

  • mobilelibrarian

    I try to keep regrets to a minimum. One lingers. I regret, a deep hurtful regret, that I did not visit a dear friend of mine in the hospital or while she dealt with cancer. She died suddenly and it devastated so many of her close ones. Having battled cancer myself I can tell you first hand that having your friends and family with you makes a difference. I wish you and your best friend, Anthony, love and healing.

  • http://twitter.com/DebintheWind Deborah Brink

    Definition of the word “friend”. You are it.

  • Louise

    true love waits, amanda, in many forms… xx

  • http://www.facebook.com/sarah.rigley Sarah Haynes

    Anthony sounds amazing. I always dreamed of having a mentor, a friend that I could tell everything to. It never really happened for me, but I’m glad it did for you. I’m glad that you’re giving back to him the love and support he has given you. I know that many of us that don’t really know you still feel a deep and personal affection for you. I had the chance to meet you briefly during your time in the Dresden Dolls, and you were amazing.

    Any person that has had such an impact on your life is a person that is also important to us. Through you, we can also love and admire Anthony. You were right, your fans will understand. None of us would take you away from him in his hour of need. Keep being strong and beautiful for him and for yourself.

  • Daisy Alice

    I did tweet you, but I can’t possibly fit everything into a tweet.
    I am absolutely heartbroken that I won’t get to see you in March. However it would be completely and utterly horrible and selfish of me to be in any way angry at you. I’ve waited this long, I can wait longer. Fans who truly love you will want you to be with your friend, not performing in front of us away from him, worrying about him.
    You’re a wonderful friend Amanda, and I truly hope that Anthony gets through this.
    See you in the UK whenever you’re ready, hopefully when Anthony has kicked cancer up the ass.

    Love, love, love.

    Daisy. x

  • PJ Tolbert

    I just want to let you know that I get it. The need to have this time with your dear friend. To be there for him through this. We lost my Dad suddenly last summer and that kind of loss is particularly jarring and so incredibly heart wrenchingly difficult. It’s changed my perspective on things – and I know that in your shoes, I would do exactly what you’re doing. Time is something we aren’t guaranteed with those we hold close our hearts. When they need us – we need to make the most of the time we’re given. My thoughts are with you and Anthony as he faces his treatment.

  • Caitlin

    This made me cry. In a healthy, therapeutic way. We understand. You are making the right decision.

  • Amariex

    Take all the time you need.. We, your true and faithful fans will wait for you, because this is the only right decision to make. Take care and don’t forget we love you xx

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100003704209553 Sarah Danforth Thornton

    Amanda,
    Do what you need to do.. Life is too short to not be there for people you love.. You have an amazing fan base and inspire each and every one of us always. I love you, be strong for Anthony and never forget how much of an amazing woman you truly are. You have an army of support behind you. <3

  • Nate Caretaker

    <3! Thank you for being you! I love you and your music has kept me going in the worst and best of times! You're a main inspiration in my life Mrs. Amanda Palmer. Please be happy. I plan on rocking my life to inspire people the way you do! <3 again!

  • luna

    go. spend time with anthony. you’re right, it’s what i’d want you to do, and i know i’m not alone in that. hold with you the knowledge that we’re growing alongside you, that we’ll still be here when you’re touring again, and that we respect your decision and appreciate it for what it is.

    take care of yourself, and of your friend. x

  • @seraphelle

    Amanda, the ticket to your March show in Birmingham UK is stuck proudly to the noticeboard in my kitchen, and there it will stay until you can make it over here. Take all the time you need. Love and positive vibes to you and Anthony. Your ‘Bed Song’ saved my marriage, this is the very least I owe you <3 xxxxx

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1475588770 Elizabeth Ross

    Amanda, so much of what I love about your music is its unapologetic emotion and honesty. Your music doesn’t apologize for itself; it takes no prisoners. It’s a celebration of the fragile, flawed, fucked-up, beautiful human experience. And it’s fantastic. As long as you keep living your life being true to yourself, your music will reflect it and will keep being utterly fantastic. But the minute you deny your own truth, who you are, your music will become shallow and lose everything there is to love about it. So what you are doing right now is in fact a career move. We fans need you to stay true to yourself so that we can look forward to hearing more amazing music from you. So thank you for being you, the one and only Amanda Fucking Palmer, and much love to you and Anthony.

  • Ilhariah

    I will not say ‘you are doing the right thing’, because that implies that there could be any other choice. It isn’t a moment for ‘well done’, it is a moment for ‘of course’, because we know you, and we trust you. When we are hurting and broken we turn to you, and we would never, EVER, expect you not to be that person.

    It is your role in life in a single room- you are supporting millions of people every second with your words. You give people the strength to fight through their problems, and make them feel powerful enough to support others.

    And when you are there, gripping his hand, willing him through, we are all there with you. We are and will be here for you.

    Hold fast. Stay strong.

  • formerballardian

    Having seen you perform and having sat in a hospital with my 19 year cousin watching him go through treatment and then dying of cancer… I can tell you, with no thought, which experience I would forgo if I had to choose only one. And your decision shows you know too. More than good on you!

    Thanks for thinking and worrying about us but take all that energy and put it towards Anthony. Your humility shines through with your honesty and openmess leading the way. And that is more important than any concert of music/amazingness will ever be. Thank you for being a human. Thank you for being you. Even during uncomfortable times.

    So go forth and take Anthony all our positive energy along with yours for his healing journey!

    And while I haven’t spent any money on tickets this round of concerts I’d gladly have donated mine to anything that was needed.

    With Respect and regards,

    -Chris

  • Angie

    *BIG SQUEEZE* from the UK for you Amanda and a *BIG GENTLE SQUEEZE* for Anthony. Bought his book, just waiting for the right time to read it. Wishing you all the best xxxxxx

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=157400537 Sara Crow

    Amanda,

    My husband lost his mother three years ago to cancer. She was diagnosed in August and gone by the end of March. She was 75% in remission when we lost her, and we got very little notice when it happened. It is a horrible, wicked disease–a disease that can be wholly unpredictable. I completely understand your decision, and any fan who has been through something similar (holy shit, any human being with a modicum of a soul) will understand. Be with those you love. Hug Anthony. Hug Neil. Hug Mom & Dad. Let everyone you love know it, and often. And hang in there, woman. You’re in for a rough ride, but you are cared for by many wonderful friends, fans and family. And we’re all pulling for you…and for Anthony.

  • http://twitter.com/tinyterrorX Tashi

    A little over a month ago I hadn’t a clue who Amanda Palmer was, it was only through a friend mentioning he knew you years ago that my curiosity grew and I discovered you. In that small amount of time I feel like I have stumbled upon something precious, as though I have found a friend who I didn’t know I’d been looking for yet have always needed nonetheless. You are impeccable, not only do you create mind-blowing music, but you’ve opened my mind to so many new levels that I can’t even comprehend just how grateful I am to be part of your fan base, and to be a part of this incredible world you’ve created for so many people like me.

    Amanda, never be sorry for doing the right thing, ever. I’m sure that there is no doubt in any of your fans minds that you have made the right choice by cancelling your tour. We are all here with you, every step of the way, waiting to catch you if ever you should fall. The way you have done for so many of us so many times, and will continue to do for a very long time.

    In the recent weeks since I have discovered you I have laughed, loved, and cried with you. You move me like no other artist ever has, and I’ll be praying to the gods every night that Anthony makes a full recovery. My heart and best wishes go out to his family and friends at this terribly difficult time. xxx

  • L.

    This is one of the most moving things I have read in a long time. You are doing the right thing.

  • raelee

    love

  • http://twitter.com/annerbananer Anna

    We’ll be here while you are away, and we’ll be here when you get back. Peace to you and yours <3

  • Erin Underwood

    Amanda, hugs. You are doing the right thing. Life and love must always come first.

    When my mom was dying of cancer, I brought her to Boston. She’d been fighting breast cancer for 25 years by that time. Boston has some of the BEST cancer doctors in the world. They extended her life by 2 years, which were two of the best and most painful years of my life. Getting treatment is the scariest and one of the most mortal events a person can experience, and while while the chemo is pumping into your veins you experience time in a whole different way and time’s value and those who share it with you are measured in ways that can’t truly be quantified. And when someone is there to hold your hand when the nurse walks away, that touch is the only thing that matters.

    My mom is gone now. I won’t be able to touch and hold her hand any longer.

    Be with Anthony. Hold his hand. No matter what comes, that touch will last forever.

    Much love.
    Erin

  • http://twitter.com/queencupcake616 Ellie Gibbons

    We love you, AFP. Do what you need to do. Love and healing light to Anthony.

  • Catface

    we will wait. we will pray. we will drink wine for you.
    i look forward to seeing you in the future, no matter what.
    you’re worth the wait.
    we love you.
    we love your friend.

    love from ireland x

  • Kathryn

    Cancer sucks. My grandmother passed away from cancer on September 22nd, the morning of your Phoenix show that I had tickets to, and so very much wanted to go to. But I was in LA, saying goodbye to the strongest woman in my life. I was so looking forward to the show, and cancer got in the way. It has a bad habit of doing that.
    It’s hard, watching a loved one go through that. And I greatly support the decision to be with Anthony during this time. There’s no better place for you to be.

  • Mat MacKenzie

    I’m sure Anthony is grateful to have that kind of friend, and wish everyone going through chemo had someone to count on. Living in Cambridge, I’m going to selfishly suggest that you bring a laptop with a camera to a ninja gig so he can watch the live feed. When I’m sick for a while I miss going out and doing things, and a vicarious show would be more fun than no show. We could bring books for him.

  • Brye Goodrie

    Thank you for being such a positive light in all of our lives. Hope and positive thoughts to your friend.

  • http://www.jitsunexus.com MarkusJared

    Amanda, I’m so very proud of you. I saw you perform sick (but stellar) in TO, and you energized that room despite the fact. Focusing your abundance of energy on Anthony during treatment seems beautiful, selfless, compassionate and right. You’re an ongoing inspiration. I’ve had to make some resoundingly hard decisions this past year because they were just…right. Thanks for being so honest and for making the #toughcalls easier.

  • Rebecca

    You are doing the right thing! I’m so glad that you’ll be able to stay by his side. I’m sending love and good thoughts to both of you.

  • lori

    My first thought when reading your blog was the song, “Hold your head up, Hold your head High” by Ardent. I think the lyrics say it all! You can hold your head high! We love you Amanda!

  • http://www.facebook.com/coal2k Fee de Carabas

    We’ll be hanging on to our tickets. Proud of you, girlie. Much love x

  • Rox

    LOVE. That’s all there is. That’s all there ever needed to be.

  • Elin Rees

    Amanda: God Bless x

  • Maria

    1. Numbering helps me make my points without having to introduce or connect them in any way.
    2. I’m glad you’re cancelling the tour. This decision reminds me of the reasons I like you as a person AND artist. I admire your courage and humanity.
    3. Reading your blog, I (inexplicably) thought of this piece: http://youtu.be/B2yoZQCLoSY
    If you decide to listen to it, I hope it provides some comfort and/or food for thought.
    4. I hope to meet you someday. Good luck to you and Anthony.

  • http://profiles.google.com/heidi.knox h knox

    You need to do what you need to do. I lost my husband after a long sickness. 5 weeks in the hospital, lots of craziness. I was not able to take much time off work. I would not wish that on anyone. You NEED to be there.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1146000797 Kate Scott Daly

    This year, I was fired from a nanny job because the family told me I wasn’t “committed” enough to their family’s needs. I missed three days of work in two months, all because my grandmother was crippled by small cell cancer. If they hadn’t fired me, I would have quit eventually. But I gave them a big middle finger and hugged my Grammy. She told me, “I’m glad you got fired. Fuck ‘em.” Two weeks later she was admitted to the hospital with severe dementia as a result from the brain radiation she had to have.

    Miraculously, Grammy has recovered almost completely from the dementia and is now out of the hospital and wheeling her happy body around the house. But, I haven’t for one second regretted canceling dinner with a friend, or getting up ass early to put on makeup and wear a silly dress to make Grammy smile, or crying into my fiance’s arms until I thought I was going to throw up on his shirt. I took all of this as beauty, as part of the process. I only have my mother and my grandparents, and we’ve been the support we all need.

    My point is simple: You are beautiful, and you are beautiful for doing this. You’re insanely lucky you can do this, and that your fanbase is just as wonderful as you are. We wish you, Anthony, and Anthony’s family nothing but love and clarity.

  • Charlie

    I’m proud to say I’m a fan of you and your music, now more than ever. Sending love to you, Neil, Anthony and his family at this tough time. x

  • Cara EOJ

    And this is why I love you so much! *sending all my strength, love and positive thoughts to Anthony* And to you too, as you’ll have to stay strong for him when he isn’t able to

  • http://twitter.com/franagnic Fran the Oneironaut

    Honestly, I’m with you. That kind of friends who are more than a part of your family than just “friends” deserve plenty of our support in moments like this.

    Take your time, take care of him and yourself. We do understand.

  • pnuw

    the path of human development is paved with renunciation. you are making the right choice, I am sure of it. karma.

  • kari

    i saw Dresden Dolls in Lexington, KY in 2010. i had asked to shake hands with you both of you, but my hand was holding the poster Brian signed…i got confused/antsy- i couldn’t miss this ONE CHANCE to shake your hand…but you smiled, took my left hand, and kissed the back of it. i’m still not over the crazy amount of kindness you showed me, when, as a rock star, you absolutely did not have to. from that moment on, you were no longer a rock star to me, but a brillian performing artist with far more to offer the world than a top 10 record.
    typically, i don’t leave messages like this, but i just want to say that i love you MORE for being a human than being a rock star. any loser out there can be shoved through the ad-man-promo machine and be made into a plastic rock star. i’ve actually been a bit edgy about the new album’s potential for sucking the human out of you. i’m SO glad you’re doing what you’re doing.

    i have all the hope, desire, and love for all and only the best to come of your decision. hugs, support, warmth, and peace to everyone.

  • http://www.facebook.com/alexandramorganbrown Alexandra Brown

    Much love, Anthony’s starting down a difficult road and it’s so important to have people there to help. It’s not the kind of thing you ever regret. You can’t do anything but be one of the people that stayed. My personal advice is to stock up on sea salt potato chips and cook with the back door open even if it’s cold. Buy unscented deoderant and a tonne of pj’s. It helps, just a little.
    Best of luck to Anthony, my heart goes out to you both.

  • mel king

    We love you even more, Amanda. Sending strength and love. x

  • http://twitter.com/Juliaroberts1 JuliaRoberts1

    Love always wins.

  • A Cosmic Bandito

    In the short time I’ve had the pleasure of your music, I see that you are one of the few out there is the most genuine you there is. Your songs sink deeper and deeper into my heart every time I listen. And to know that you will do this for him, well, I’m happy that someone like you exists in this world. You’ve stepped into grace.

  • http://www.facebook.com/GoodbyeGrl Holly Behanna

    So…I understand! I have just spent the last 18 months caring for my husband, who died of cancer on August 31, 2012. You will never regret taking this time and being there…you will not lose anyone of importance because you made this choice…and you will forever love yourself and be loved by anyone who has ever been in your position for choosing to do what you need to do for yourself and someone you love.

    Below are photos of the man I’ve loved and lost. The first before he got sick…taking photos, which he loved. The second, about half way through his journey, checking out his new recliner, the last place he slept The third, he and I together in March of last year…after his surgery, but before radiation and chemo began…a great Sunday afternoon with friends. And lastly, the last photo ever taken of him…waiting in a big, comfy chair for the contrast to circulate before his last PET scan. This was two weeks before he passed away.

    Trust me, as someone who has recently walked this path…share all the joy you can…and love harder than you’ve ever loved!

  • http://www.facebook.com/lisaannjolie Lisa Mullins Hassett

    *hug* you are doing the right thing. Lots of love, prayers, light and hugs for Anthony, you and your families.

  • http://www.facebook.com/barley.cote Barley Côté

    Sending you love and courage for the journey ahead. When my father was diagnosed with cancer, I quit my job and moved provinces within two weeks, spending weeks, sometimes months with him. I am so thankful for all of the time I had with him when he and my mom needed me most. So much love to you, Amanda. xoxoxo

  • http://www.facebook.com/OWspicywatermelon Nicole Xao

    Amanda,

    It makes me respect you more as a person to know that you are devoted to being there for the people you care about. It keeps you real and prevents that stereotypical rockstar-douchey-ness that just doesn’t fit the honesty, sincerity, and compassion I see in Amanda Palmer. Thanks for laying out for everyone your reasons and helping people understand who you are and what matters to you. Best wishes for Anthony.

    Love,
    Nicole

  • http://littlelioness.net Fiona

    Lots of love your way

    xx

  • Vallie in Portland

    We’ll all still be here in 2014. I feel you’re doing the right thing. The people who are precious to you in your life have to come first. I wish strength to you and Anthony during this difficult time. Do what you need to do, Amanda. We love you.

  • julia

    We know it’s the only thing you could do. We will wait for you. We understand. Lots of love :*

  • Kelly Hagerty

    You and your music were here for me when I lost my husband to cancer. After six years, I still hold on to the email you sent me recommending the book “the year of magical thinking”…. I will be here for you, we’re all here for you. ♥

  • http://www.facebook.com/nico.suave.3 Nico Suave

    I’m new to you, and your music, and your posts…just since September really. But I heard one song, then another, then had to buy the album, and another, and start following your posts…fuck I blame you for making me join twitter (I held out for so long, but I am a twit, or a twat, or whatever now, thankyouverymuch). I have been really sick the past few months, on top of struggling with the semester, and your music has kept me sane. No, that’s wrong – it has allowed me to sing out the pain, to cry it out, to dance it out, to smile, sometimes when nothing else was much help. You helped me through it all (not to be dramatic or anything). I wouldn’t be so presumptuous to say I know you, but if you are the kind of person I have experienced thus far, I would be shocked if you didn’t cancel, and tend to your friend (and yourself as well). Friendships are so strong, yet so fragile at the same time, we must do what is needed for those we love dearest. My thoughts of strength and loveliness thrown out to the universe, for you and yours.

  • Adam

    I’ll be straight up honest: I don’t read your blog. It comes up in my Facebook feed, but I’m usually only on Facebook for minutes at a time. Anyway.

    I have recently gone through cancer myself, being the direct victim if you will. The worst part for me away from the physical side of things were the times when my loved ones were not around. Conversely, the best times were when my wife, mum, brother in-laws were with me and had smiles on their faces. At those times it meant that I was entertaining, not sick. It felt good.

    I’m getting better now. There’s uncertainty ahead but cancer treatment is pretty god these days. Don’t give up the good fight. All the best to you.

    • watchmeboogie

      I don’t know you, but want to wish you the best of health and a recovery that is steady, positive and bearable. <3 & strength~

  • jfg

    i’m glad you know you’re not letting anyone down,afp….but here’s another psychic hug anyway, and tons of good vibes to anthony. this shit happens too often to us and ours…it’s a new road we are all going down one way or the other, and the only way to deal with it is to be true to ourselves and there for our loved ones. period.

  • Brenda Keesal

    Wow. This is your song, Anthony’s, and ours, too. Thanks so much for sharing.

  • http://gabrielgrub.blogspot.com/ June_Miller

    Amanda,

    you’re doing the right thing.

    Your fans will understand. The ones who don’t, eventually will. Maybe sooner, maybe later, but they will. The ones who refuse, or won’t…well, their loss, dude. Fuck ‘em.

    This is especially the time of the year when you’re supposed to be closest to the ones you love. Tidings of comfort and joy, and all that. I can’t even comprehend what Anthony’s going through. I know it must mean so deeply to him to have you be there, to be his rock. A kind of role reversal for you two, from what I gather.

    Everything coming full circle.

    You are both in my thoughts. I wish only the best.

    .

    I watched his reading of “Swamp” at about 3:30 in the morning, last night. My heart sank and my face grew a stony worried impression as he was describing what the boys were doing. I knew it wasn’t something good. But to see him flash back in that instant of what happened, to literally see him shoot back to that exact moment of being a young boy, scared and unable to protect something so dear to him, to fight for it…it was fucking powerful.

    You’re right: everything you ever need to know about the man, captured in that 25 minute video. A proper introduction, at least. I feel that’s just scratching the surface.

    .

    I bought his book. It came in the mail this past week. I haven’t taken it out of the package, yet, though..

    I don’t know. I’m waiting for the right moment, is the only way to describe it. I hope that doesn’t sound callous.

    But I know it will be very soon.

    .

    It wouldn’t be right for you to tour while he’s going through all this.

    Not just from a moral standpoint. Your mind wouldn’t be there 100%. Your brain would get all kerfuffled. It wouldn’t be healthy on many levels.

    He needs you right now. You both need each other right now.

    .

    Both of you take care.

    I fucking love you.

  • http://www.facebook.com/asha.sanaker Asha Sanaker

    Dear Amanda,

    Having followed your career for several years now I was so excited to finally see you live on your last night in Boston. I will confess that, having only heard your recorded music and watched your videos when my crap-ass country internet would let me load them, that I was much more enthralled and inspired by the way that you were propelling your art forward than anything else and I wanted to support you in that. I got the album through the kickstarter and enjoyed it tremendously, but it did not prepare me for the vastness of your presence as a live performance artist. Watching you from the balcony I was over the moon as a fan, so jazzed, so happy, so enlivened. But the mother in me was also just stunned at what it must be like to try and fit the enormity of your vision and drive and talent in that one, small mortal frame. It made me want to walk down on to the stage and reach up, tuck your hair behind your ear, stroke your cheek and say, “Baby, aren’t you tired? You sure? Maybe you need a nap?” My heart just felt so tender for you.

    And so I am glad that you are making this choice, for Anthony and for yourself. Sometimes we have to submit to the boundaries of time and space and mortality. Allowing ourselves to feel the weight of it is what puts our feet firmly on the ground so we have the power to love deeply and forever. Sometimes we just have to stay put and trust that the world will still be there when we get back.

    I am sending you so, so much love and strength and courage. And Anthony, too. Love and hold each other. We’ll be here whenever you’re ready.

  • http://www.facebook.com/jack.solar Jackie Solar

    We’re with you, wherever you need to go. Always.

  • http://www.facebook.com/Neari Neari Kitterringham

    Hi Amanda,

    Best and hardest choice you will make and for what its worth you have made the right one. Best of luck to you both :-)

  • Bridget

    People forget artists are human. All the best to you and Anthony. I hope this year brings you both what you need and what you deserve, especially in each other

  • prettyminotaur

    >hugs<

  • watchmeboogie

    We were there, at the reading. I laughed and nodded and commiserated with his first story, about the food. For me it was Irish, and I was beaten not for refusing food, but for sneaking other food and getting fat, but man did I relate. And then he came out with “Swamp” and it just tore my soul, and I cried and felt his agony and watched him as he choked back tears, and it meant a hundred things that I carefully planned into a precis to tell him at the table afterwards.

    So we waited for ages, past the time when you announced time was growing short, and we got up there, and my partner said something wonderful and intelligent, as usual, and then I started to talk to him, and then you looked over at me and I just froze, which was so dumb but it’s what happened, and it’s probably actually a good thing because I was going to go on about Bullfrog really being about the bigger things and they’re all things that end up making me cry – the tiny figure in the face of impossibly callous cruelty – and that would’ve gotten ridiculous. Anyway, he and my partner had a nice moment so I just went with it, but still regret losing my words.

    Anyway, Amanda, what I really wanted to tell you then but couldn’t so will now, is that if the point of that evening was to show us why Anthony is so important, you absolutely succeeded. I get it, I absolutely get it. I love you.

    • watchmeboogie

      Snapped this pic while waiting in line, I like it, both of you side-by-side, interacting with fans.

  • Katie

    Thank you for this Amanda, your self-assurance is so inspirational. I can’t bare the thought of you being with us playing gigs when you should be with somebody in far greater need – not only his need, but yours too. I have my ticket, but I’ll wait. I’m not the slightest bit outraged, I simply I wish you, and your friend, all the best. Stay strong <3

  • Essylt

    You definitely made the right decision. I’m sending all my love and warmest hugs to you and Anthony.

  • Nabs

    Amanda,
    I lost my boss early this year to cancer. He was an amazing human being and a great mentor to me. I tried to be there for him all that I could, and the last time I saw him, because we both knew it would be our last moments together, we were able to say goodbye. It was so much easier letting go after that, and I wouldn’t trade those last few moments with him for anything in this world.
    I have lost two friends who died in accidents and I would give anything in this world to have one last goodbye with them like I did with my boss.
    You are not coming to Mexico soon, so I am not affected by your decision at all, but just like with Fiona (she was coming, and I was going to see her) it is even ridiculous to say I understand. It is the obvious thing to do.
    I hope Anthony gets better, and be strong.
    We love you.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1102004653 Jay Cumbey

    Amanda, you are doing the right thing, absolutely 100% the right thing to do. I wish i had done it when my mom was ill, But i “had” to work, This industry, our Industry is not kind or forgiving and i wasnt in a place to to say no to tours, i should have, but i didn’t , so all i got was a phone call while tucked in my bunk somewhere in Germany telling me she passed. Im weird about people dying, Bill Hicks said it best, “its just a ride” and i believe this. my father died …I didnt cry..relatives , friends. sad yes but no tears. But my mom, this subject 7 years later tears me up. and why? becasue i didnt get to be there, My mom and i were very close growing up. and of all the things ive done in my life i have only one regret. that i wasnt there for her, that i didnt do enough, that i wasnt the son she deserved. she was the best mom a kid could hope for.
    So go, Take all the time you need, its where you need to be, I wish i could have been as strong as you.

    Love & Lights

    Jaymo

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000324555809 Thiago Carvalho

    at least it’s not a friggin’ dog this time. be with your friend, and hope he gets better!

  • Bill

    Amanda, no one ever regrets the time invested and spent with the ones we love. 60 years old, and of all my regrets, that one I never intend to have. You are right. Be brave and strong. Prayers for you both from Tennessee

  • Alanna S

    You shouldn’t feel badly for a moment. Having the opportunity to be there for a friend (no matter what the outcome, OR human or animal) will make all the difference in their world and yours.

    Your fans will wait. Your life and opportunities cannot.

    Best of luck to Anthony.

  • Veebear

    So inspring when someone is actually honest and open In a world full of politicians and ‘rockstars’ with questionable morals.
    Always follow your heart and your future will be there for you.
    Sunshine and peace, and love in dark times,
    Vx

  • http://www.facebook.com/sarah.simpsonlane Sarah Simpson Lane

    Your real, Your True and you have alway’s just done you. You never contorted to what they “industry” wanted. You took a chance and won! You have put yourself out there love you or not! You are so strong and brave because you can and have admitted things and feelings most could never speak and you did that for all of us to hear. We appreciate that! You have shared yourself through your journey of life. And for some that is super hard. I believe that is why you have fans that will not shit on you when you are down and cancel. We understand! We appreciate all you do as an artist. We will be here supporting you in all the ways we know how and we will continue to support you when you return to the fast life. Anthony, You and all those that love him will be in my thoughts.

  • http://twitter.com/Veeee Vanessa D.

    Amanda, it’s okay. A ticket can be refunded, a show can still happen, there are solutions. Losing someone you love is the most painful thing. I lost a dear friend to cancer. I still have regrets, we should have hung out more, I should have called him more. He’s gone. The most painful thing. If you can stay with Anthony, stay with him. Fight with him. Tell him you love him. Every day, every night. The rest can wait. x

  • Emma

    Dude. It’s about time. Of COURSE it’s okay for you to spend time with him. We DO know you. And we DO love you that much. *hugs to both of you* Be there, be strong, and know we’re here to support you. Also, boobies.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=851485471 Rachel Lewis

    You are beautiful, you are a pure human being and we will be waiting when you come back. Peace to you and Anthony.

  • http://www.facebook.com/drjon Jon Swabey

    Fuck Cancer. Your dear friend needs you. You’re making the right choice, and your loving fans will support you in this.

    My heartfelt wishes to Anthony, his family and loved ones. And to you.

  • Séverinalaloca

    I was looking forward to see you with my ears.. but now I am looking forward to the day you’ll write “Anthony is now well and healthy!”.. something like that ;-) I send you warm thoughts and wish you all strength in the world! I had breast cancer 2 years ago, on the day before Christmas Eve, I will celebrate my life.. I am still here, without cancer … time passes quickly, soon it is your friend’s turn to celebrate his victory!

  • Tatia

    Amanda – You have a new fan and I’ve never heard ANY of your music (that will change as soon as I finish here.) I came from Jenny’s (Bloggess’) page to read this incredible story about an undoubtedly incredible person. I’m sure your fans will understand and be there when you are able to return to touring. Sending out love, hugs and healing vibes to you and Anthony. Please tell him I said to “Kick that Cancer’s Ass!” ♥

  • Angela

    Ten years ago, tomorrow, my father died without warning from a fatal heart attack.

    I would give almost anything to have him back. I say almost anything, because I would not give up the ones I still have. Not my daughters. Not my husband. Not my friends. Not my family.

    I never got to say goodbye.

    You are forgiven. I love you more than I can say and I’ve never met you except here. You are *exactly* the kind of person I hope to be, I strive to be.

    Abide with Anthony. Tell him that I love him and that I’m holding you all in the Light.

  • Alice

    I always knew you were a great artist. Clearly you’re a great person as well. Love to Anthony and to you.

  • Laura

    Take care of yourself. Hold Anthony, lift him, make him laugh, cry with him, be a second set of middle fingers when he wants to say “fuck you” to the universe. This fan can wait. Taking care of yourself now significantly increases the chances of me blasting the nursing home with your latest album 40 years from now.

  • Trisa

    Amanda. I don’t know how you do it, but my struggles have been tied to you since I was 13 and first heard you. My mom is dying of cancer right now and here you are going through the same thing right on cue. I first heard you at the very darkest point in my life. I was 13, being abused, and hurting myself. My only escape was to lock myself in the bathroom where I slept so I could be safe and play your songs that I had recorded off your website onto a 25 cent tape recorder I found at a garage sale. You were the only constant when I left at 14 and my adopted mormon parents thought you were evil and took your cds and burned them. I bought your first CD six times. You were there when I got sent to live at a hospital for 2 years when I was 15, when I went back to where I started when I was 17. When I finally broke free and left and quit harming myself when I was 18 and through my adult life till now (22). I owe so much to you and I’m grateful that you even exist on the face of this planet. Good luck with your friend.

  • Cassie Shea

    Obviously, you have your fans’ support. Go into this deep, dark, mysterious area of life guided by the light of our love and support. And pass it on to Anthony; he’s the one who needs it most. If there’s anything we can cling to at the end of life, it’s our humanity and the thought that we tried our best to love those who took care of us. You are doing the ABSOLUTE right thing. I wish all the best to Anthony, you, and your families. Be strong!

  • Banshee

    Courage ma belle, à toi et à Anthony, avec l’espoir que tout aille bien dans le meilleur des mondes

  • http://www.facebook.com/notprolificnotprofound Rachel Stewart

    My husband and I have lost too many people this year–one of the reasons we missed your Atlanta show–so I understand this completely. If you have the ability to be with this person and help them, that is what you should do. Do what needs to be done. Take care of yourself and your friend. This is the hard work, the real work. Everything else should fall away. Have no worries, we’ll still be here. <3

  • Bexgonegeek

    Love to you. A friend I lost touch with 16 years ago (who was also my first love) was murdered a month ago. Shot for just three pizzas. I always thought we’d run into each other again but now we won’t. I will regret losing touch forever. :( Cry day for me too.

  • Tiffany Gray

    I thank Anthony for helping to make you the person who choices love and life. This is why we are all here and stand in silent prayer in the shadows of your vigil.

  • deeza13666

    I wasn’t with my Mum when she died, and still 6 years later I still feel lost. I didn’t get to say goodbye and tell her that I loved her.

  • http://www.facebook.com/snoozing.snook Amy Snook

    Hey coming from Wellington, we owe you for all the years you have come. I have seen you more often then local bands, no one else comes that often. SO thank you for that and I hope your dear friend gets better and you relax and enjoy being home.
    :D Be happy, Be happy

  • Cassie Smith

    Amanda – having watched in my 36 years on this earth as my father, sister, brother, best friend and goddaughter have all struggled through, and so far won, the battle against cancer, I so admire you for what you are doing. Its an amazing sacrifice, but one that we do for people we truly care about. I eagerly will be waiting on the other side, whatever the outcome, to hear the music, to surf the crowd and to be in your prescense again.

  • http://www.facebook.com/funnelwebkitten Denise Webber

    of course. my best friend in the whole world died unexpectedly on monday night. i am beyond shatterred.i am lost and i would give it all to see her again and say tbank you and goodbye. you never know what will happen.take the time.

  • http://www.facebook.com/stephanie.paes.7 Stéphanie Paes

    Amanda, i’ve read Fiona’s letter the they after she shared it (a friend of mine, who’s a huge fan of hers, showed me) and now i read yours – both from top to botton – and i felt quite emotional and blessed both times for noticing i still can find people like you in this world. And that’s why, for the first time, i decided to comment a blog entry of yours. As people have already said, it’s a difficult but also a brave decision! And, as a matter of fact, for the kind of person you are, there was no choice. i wouldn’t recognize you if you had decided to play the shows. I really wouldn’t. And i do think none of us, your fans, would. You would need to ask us for forgiveness if youhad decided to leave you friend to follow your carrier, but for this? Dear, no need at all. Your decision just make us love and admire you more. And make us proudly be here, sitting on our chairs, to wait for your return, with all of your nobleness and known human being-ness. Go there take care of your dear friend because all the others, all the known and unknonw fan friends will be here for whenever you need support and strength to face this moment, giving back all the love and respect you always shared with us. Keep on being brave and wish you the best for both of yoit u. We’ll catch you if you fall (and we’re soft).

    Ps.: for you question, my answer: everything is worthless if we don’t have our loved ones to share with. Friendship and the true love of our loved ones is the most precious gift we can get from life.
    P.p.s: Today i got my first physical album of you (“Theatre is evil”). It’s as beautiful as I thought it’d be (maybe more). It was so exciting! Really love it. :)

  • JonJon

    Amanda, you have been taking care of us for years. Go take care of your friend. We all understand. Love.

  • Karly

    Amanda, I totally get it… my brother (and best friend) was diagnosed with Leukemia in 2003… he lived in a city a couple hours away from me and so I quit my job and moved myself to be closer to him during his treatment. I know exactly why you are doing this because your reasons were the same as mine… I wouldn’t have been able to live with myself if I hadn’t dropped everything to be with my brother during the worst moment of his life…

    I applaud you for doing what you are doing, don’t let anyone make you feel bad for dropping everything for those you love. I have always admired you but now more so than ever before. Best of luck to your friend Anthony, I truly hope he makes it through this like my brother did (6 years with no relapse!). Just be there for him and remember to take care of yourself… I didn’t do a good job at that myself and can tell you from experience that you will be of no use to your loved one if you aren’t as healthy as you can be.

    I am so grateful I was able to see you perform in Portland back in September, your new album has had a profound impact on me… It’s a shame that you have to cancel your tour but your friend is WAY more important than any of your fans, Do what you gotta do and come back to us as soon as you can.

    Karly

    P.S. When my brother was sick there were three albums that helped get me through… the first was Ben Folds Five’s The Unauthorized Biography of Reinhold Messner (I’m a huge Ben Folds fan), if you haven’t listened to that one recently you should, it has a much more profound impact when you have a loved one sick in a hospital.

    The other two albums were given to me by my brother while he was going through his chemo so I considered them a double album, they are The Flaming Lips’ The Soft Bulletin and Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots. I know that you know Wayne Coyne so I don’t need to tell you how awesome The Flaming Lips are… again, these albums are just so profound when you’re worried about a loved one dying… they really helped me work through some cathartic shit…

    Once again, good luck! <3

  • http://www.facebook.com/barbaraaguiar1982 Bárbara Aguiar

    <3

  • Juleah Brewer

    There is no need to ask for forgiveness, I don’t think there are many of us who would react differently if it were someone we loved.

  • Viktooria

    fuck yes.
    <3

  • lottie

    you are doing right it is why your fans love you don’t worry we will always be here waiting for you and (the boys) xx

  • SolorzanoChris

    God bless you.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Nina-Baron/1532425680 Nina Baron

    You have changed my life. It was your music that brought me back into the music of living life. You deserve to live yours and keep your own music flowing as beautifully in your mind and in your heart as it flows through your actual music. This may not make sense. Thank you for existing. Thank you.

  • http://twitter.com/momeraths Mary Pierce

    Adding my small voice to the fray – & it is just this. Love, love, love and lots of energy for the days ahead. You are blessed to have such a friendship & to be such a friend to him. May that blessing give you strength.

  • http://twitter.com/Rachellie242 Rachellie242

    This is a mature decision w/ compassion and others coming first even at the expense of personal involvements, and I feel that only good can come of it; but, hang onto the feeling, because most likely you will be tested & no good deed goes unpunished. Not sure why- it’s like how the wind regulates the Earth’s temperature/ karma likes to keep balance. Goddess likes us to grow. Kahlil Gibran says our quivering branches go to the shaken roots. Woody Allen says (as Alfie) in Annie Hall that his aunt thinks she’s a chicken & the uncle won’t change her because “he needs the eggs” and that’s how Alfie sees relationships- we need the eggs! You do crazy stuff for those you love & oddly, don’t get grossed out by the sick body’s rebellion, though you might rail against its injustice, there can be comfort in viewing the shell of our souls as an incarnation. Anyway- I’m just saying, there are times when you might feel selfish, angry, irritated, and pissed off- pls. have compassion for yourself there too.

    One thing I might suggest during this time- of which, will also come hope & miracles- is full-on/ no messing about/ completely on the wagon/ total & complete sobriety, AND daily meditation & going deeper into a spiritual practice. There is no instant gratification in this (as I’m on this pathway also), but you won’t get as depressed, fall into total despair, and you will probably need your full senses at the exact moment of blindly seeking escape (which maybe I’m projecting bec. that’s what I would do & DID do, but then got sober & wish everyone could find this difficult to achieve/ but possible! peace & strength, even when pushed up against the fucking wall!) Mainly-if you want to be there for Anthony- be **all** there. Fully present. Book rec–> True Love by Thich Nhat Hanh. I got it for 5 bucks at South Station on the way to NYC, and it’s simple but tremendous.

    Persephone went into the depths at this time of year & women are especially sensitive to this New England decay, we pick up on it & don’t seem aware, and while the Underworld is no picnic– you’ll come out. You’re facing the stairs, but don’t worry. Anthony might be fine- you never know. Being challenged is good for you– don’t panic, don’t think the worst. Pain brings transformation & this is entirely healthy, because you allowed true intimacy into your life, which is yet another gift your friend has given to you in your development, of which he’s always been a part of, right?

    There’s no way to convince people how much the Other Side/ the Cosmos/ the Great Creator can also be an anchor for your pain, but if you’re open to it, wonderful magic & wisdom can happen- tho slowly, it’s not nearly as fast as our world. We are shown answers in such weird, roundabout ways that it’s almost too brilliant sometimes & a bit spooky! So- if you’re curious, I’m happy to give you a private reading sometime, or I’m doing them Dec. 13th in public (East Cambridge) for a limited window of time at an event. Hang in there & many blessings to you love- everything will be okay, even when it’s not. xoxo R

  • http://twitter.com/xLittleDeviantx Chantelly Lace

    Amanda, know in your heart that you are doing the right thing for both yourself and for Anthony. I have to believe in my heart of hearts that your fans will understand and have all the more respect for you for this decision (I know I do).

    Love, love, love to you and yours.

  • RebeccaP

    It’s a shame life sometimes makes it hard to choose between being a good friend/family
    member and fulfilling our professional obligations. In the best possible world, it wouldn’t.
    Often people choose to err on the side of fulfilling their professional obligations, assuming
    their friends and family will always be there. But, they might not be. You are doing
    a very courageous and honorable thing by choosing to cancel your tour dates and spend time
    with your friend to help him to endure his struggle with cancer. I’m sure your friend will feel both comforted and strengthened by your caring presence during his time of need. I hope you and your loved ones enjoy a special holiday together this year. For those of you who celebrate, that is. : )

  • rapunzel72

    Thank you, that you stay with your friend. I like your music, but I love you for being a friend to Anthony, instead of being a rockstar. Maybe, ther eis a little chance, you loose the momentum you build the last months. But for sure you will gain so much more.

    Thx and best wishes and feelings for you two :)

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1068606798 Skyler Corbett

    I send love to you Amanda Palmer and I respect and understand why you would clear room for your loved ones in your life. I am very fond of saying that you have to take care of yourself before you can take care of others, but once you can take care of yourself–the take care of others part doesn’t stop. Please don’t stop being there for Anthony. Do we need our musicians to live unsatisfied and unhealthy lives just for our amusement? I think you are taking a good step in the right direction and we will all be there for you when you come back.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=507645015 Janelle Sheetz

    I don’t have a ticket and my area wasn’t even on a tour stop, but whatever. You took my comment right out of my…keyboard? You’re a musician I’ve come to look up to pretty hard in the past year. Through the party on the internet, I connected with awesome people that made me feel less alone when I was going through friend shit and felt like I had next to no one. Your blogs, tweets, Tumblr, the album, everything has all contributed to that, too. I’ve come to consider you an inspiration.

    I have this weird thing with any person I look up to that I don’t know personally where I want so badly for them to be a nice, decent person, and any story of even minor dickishness is like a disappointment. It’s kind of weird, I know, but I guess I want to know that these people I love are as awesome as they seem or something. I would rather adore a musician who cancels a tour to be with her best friend battling cancer than a musician who doesn’t. It’s just the right thing to do.

  • http://www.facebook.com/duirmuid.macsean Duirmuid Mac Sean

    Dear Amanda,

    When I heard that the shows had been postponed today I was annoyed to be honest, my self and a friend speculated why this decision was made. But that doesn’t matter now.

    You take all of the time that you need. Be close to your friend, hold him, sing to him, laught with him. I know what it is like to have someone that you love taken away and I will never begrudge you any amount of moments you may have left. I hope that they are years and years more, but with what your friend is facing that is never certain.

    We will be here, I know that I will – regardless of how long. I will also be are your concert when you come to play, and I have no doubt you will.

    Talk care and don’t forget to smile.

    Duirmuid (Dublin)

  • Tizzy Potts

    You’re doing the right thing. I admire your bravery and your loyalty to your friend. He is lucky to have you and I hope he makes a recovery.

  • AshShields

    My first girlfriend’s mother had cancer. I was perhaps thirteen, and it never really hit me, because a) I was so young and b) I was absolutely terrible with girls and tended to simply run away from her whenever I saw her, I was so nervous. So perhaps I shouldn’t call her a girlfriend, but we talked a lot, just not a lot in person. She only briefly mentioned the fact that her mother had cancer, and I didn’t know how to respond – I knew it was a big thing, and it made me sad, though I wasn’t exactly sure why. Looking back on it, it frightens me in a way, if only for the fact that I was so close to such a frightening thing (even though I wasn’t that close in the end) and that I had essentially no reaction to it.

    So my contact with cancer hasn’t been a whole heap, but I have friends that are as close and important to me as Anthony is to you – I believe everyone does. And I understand what you’re doing, and want to thank you for it. I would do the same thing, were it one of my friends, the ones I love so very much. They’re what’s important in the end. Just know that we are all here for you and we are all forgiving and we all love you.

    Thank you.

  • Jessica Allyn

    Amanda, what you’re doing makes you the best friend anyone could have. You are taking a step back, selflessly, and taking care of someone you love. I think it’s beautiful. I wish you and your friend the best, and as many good days as you can possibly have together.

    When I first started reading the blog, I immediately thought of Becca, then I read more, and saw you did too. I re-read her emails, texts, listen to her voicemails and look at photos all the time. I too was texting her shortly before she passed. We were planning a meet up in NYC, it had been so long since I had seen her. Also because of recording and so on. — We never did get that meet up. And before I knew it, my best friend had suddenly and soul shakily left this earth in her sleep. Nothing has ever been as hard as losing B, and I so I feel for you on so many levels. Both being so close to her, and how you must be feeling now with your friend Anthony not being well. One of the very last things B wrote me, and I hope it is comforting to you as well was this; “no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should” has been like a mantra for me. it’s easy to wince a bit at some of the lines, i guess, but it has a certain sadness, and if taken as a whole with a glass of water and an open spirit, it can bring a certain peace. be kind to yourself. i love you”

    She then posted the following poem:

    Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
    and remember what peace there may be in silence.
    As far as possible without surrender
    be on good terms with all persons.
    Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
    and listen to others,
    even the dull and the ignorant;
    they too have their story.

    Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
    they are vexations to the spirit.
    If you compare yourself with others,
    you may become vain and bitter;
    for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
    Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

    Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
    it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
    Exercise caution in your business affairs;
    for the world is full of trickery.
    But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
    many persons strive for high ideals;
    and everywhere life is full of heroism.

    Be yourself.
    Especially, do not feign affection.
    Neither be cynical about love;
    for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
    it is as perennial as the grass.

    Take kindly the counsel of the years,
    gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
    Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
    But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
    Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
    Beyond a wholesome discipline,
    be gentle with yourself.

    You are a child of the universe,
    no less than the trees and the stars;
    you have a right to be here.
    And whether or not it is clear to you,
    no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

    Therefore be at peace with God,
    whatever you conceive Him to be,
    and whatever your labors and aspirations,
    in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

    With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
    it is still a beautiful world.
    Be cheerful.
    Strive to be happy.

    I wish you the best of luck on this journey, and send miracle healing vibes to Anthony. My love to you and all.

  • Alan

    I hope both of you do well… my best wishes from México

  • Chrissy C

    Popping my posting cherry and swallowing my dislike of random internet messaging. AFP, you are showing amazing integrity as an artist, and as a human being. Not sure which is more rare these days. I doff my cap with much respect. We’ll see you again when the time is right.

  • Pelfking

    You’re right. Love you for it.
    Be strong.

  • no_fruit

    Meine Freundin und ich sind in dem Konzert in Amsterdam gewesen. Es war, auch wenn Du Dich selbst angespornt hast – oder gerade deswegen – zu sehen, dass es Dir nicht gut ging. Nach dem Konzert haben wir dann den Blog per Email über Becca bekommen. Es hat uns so sehr leid getan…. Wir haben Tickets für Hamburg am 18.03. – und wir können voll und ganz Deine Entscheidung verstehen…Für Anthony alles Gute und dass Ihr viel wertvolle Zeit füreinander findet….übrigens ist ein Konzert, bei dem man weiss, dass Du leidest und lieber woanders sein möchtest – auch ein trauriges Ereignis für uns…Alles Liebe

  • so ham

    Love! that’s all there is to say for me… your soul is beautiful… an only my soul, if it could communicate in any written language, would be able to tell you how awesome you are in you way of being you.

  • Andrew Nesbitt

    @amandapalmer Twitter
    does not have enough character for me to use to express my thoughts and
    feelings about your amazing friend Anthony. I am so sorry to hear about his
    current situation. Cancer is a terrible disease. I don’t think you need to
    apologize for canceling your year of touring. But it shows just how big your
    heart it is Amanda. You always put everybody else before yourself. And it shows
    through in your amazing music. Your music and your wonderful fans will be there
    when you get back. But please know that we totally understand that everything
    else is secondary when it comes to friends and family. I am sending you
    thoughts, prayers and as many good vibes as possible. Anthony is very lucky to
    have a loving friend like you in his corner.

  • Heidi

    As a homebound patient living with a debilitating chronic illness, I just wish I had a friend like you. I get a lot of those “I’m just so busy” emails from friends and family, and for the most part have had to fight this thing on my own for years. Aside from my loneliness, I genuinely worry that someday when I am gone, these people who love me will be angry with themselves and wish they took those couple of hours to be here with me when they had a chance. I think you are definitely doing the right thing. When you are sick like I am, your world becomes very small, and the lack of energy limits your ability to participate. You quickly learn to cut all the bullshit and focus on what and who really matters. I wish the world valued the voices of sick people more, because we could teach the “normals” some valuable lessons on life. One extremely valuable one is this: don’t waste energy worrying about what others think of you. The ones who really love and understand (or try to understand) you will accept you as is. I wish your friend good health, and again, if only we could all be so lucky to have a friend like you by our side.

  • Mikki Jackels

    AFP! I am a RN on an AML floor at Johns Hopkins in Baltimore. Everyday I see people struggle to find the 24 hour support system they need during treatment. What you are doing is going to seriously lighten your friend’s load. I applaud you, and wish your friend strength, peace, and most of all a success.

  • Alisha Rose

    Darling, this got me in tears! I have been in love with you and your music since my lil freshmen highschooler self discovered Half Jack and finally felt like someone understood me. Ur right, ur NOT letting us down. Not one bit. U are making the BEST decision and it will work itself out. We will wait for you, we will always stand by your side. WE LOVE YOU!!! That will never change. Ur human! Not some celebrity puppet. Take time off and make the most of this time. Ride the journey. Everything happens for a reason, love. I will pray for Anthony’s recovery, ur love and light will really help, I’m sure of it. Ur friend dying so randomly was a sign – learn from it. I love you, you’ve always been an icon and hero to me, and when you do come back to US make sure to stop over in Baltimore (or near if you can’t). I’ll be screamin my frickin head off when I see ur epic return. Love you always ~Alisha Rose

  • http://twitter.com/FenstarDeLuxe Fen

    You do whatever you have and need to do. We will still be here whenever it is you decide to tour again.

    Ten years ago I lost my Mother to cancer and regret is not something I ever wanted to live with. I spent as much time as I could with her, I still wish I’d spent more. Family & friends are the most important things in our lives, you hang on to those nearest and dearest to you.

    Stay strong, lots and lots of love and hugs and kisses to you and Anthony and Neil. x

  • evacarmen

    I don’t know if I have the words to say what I’m feeling but … you made the right choice.

  • tammy

    you are the kind of friend i’ve dreamt of having and hoped for my entire life. you are wonderful, you are love, and it sounds like for you and Anthony, you may be, in some respects, a couple of the most fortunate people to be. you guys have my positive energy the next year and beyond. be strong, lovely.

  • KZS

    You are right—you are right about your decision, and you are right about your fans. If anyone would understand, it is they (we!).

    Keep the home fires burning, and I hope Boston’s winter is kind to you.

    Love and love and love

  • Carmen

    We love you, not only because you are a great artist, we love you mainly because you are a great person. We would not except you to act differently. Take care of your friend, and our best wishes will be with both of you. Love.

  • dansemacarbe

    Of course you can go, Amanda.

    Go.

    Go, go.

  • Constance

    you’ll never regret being there for your friend, ever.

  • SJ

    You’ve made the right choice. My long-time best friend, the gal I’ve known since we were infants, was diagnosed with inflammatory breast cancer last week. And while it isn’t anything either of us expected to have to deal with, we’re in it together, as ever.
    My best to you and Anthony.

  • tina

    I sincerely wish you – and Anthony – all the strength in the world. I’m thinking of him, too, and I hope that somehow the thoughts and wishes of all the people who read your blog and follow your life and care about you will make a difference. And if it’s just that you know you’re not alone.

  • http://twitter.com/emillyorr Emilly Orr

    You’re hearing this a lot, but I want to add my small voice to everyone else here–you are doing the right thing.

    Personal stuph. When I was sixteen, in high school, going through some incredibly painful shit myself, I got word from my stepmother that my father was very ill. (He’d developed leukemia, and had gone in for a blood transfusion in 1983. In San Francisco. Back then they still called AIDS GERD, but it’s what he got. No one knew to screen blood back then.) My mother and I talked about it for two months, I talked with my stepmother, and we all made the decision that I’d drop everything in the middle of a school year (at that point it had become 1984), and spend some serious time with him.

    This was excruciating and painful–I was alone, I was a teenager, I was surrounded by his ex-wife and her family, all of whom hated me with a near insane intensity. I cried, a lot. I heard a lot of family secrets that were designed to twist the knife. I spent time with people who didn’t want to spend time with me.

    But I also spent time with my father. I got him water to drink. I sat by him when he slept. We were finally able to talk, a little. If it doesn’t sound too corny, we reached our peace. And if I had to do it all again, even knowing everything in advance, the utter chaos of lost grades I’d have to scramble like hell to make up in my senior year–I’d make the same choice.

    Yeah, some of your fans are going to bitch. You may lose momentum on the album (but you’ll make it up). But this is who you are. You have always gone from town to town and touched people, made new friends, cycled in and out of lives, picking up the threads of connection as you go. Anthony’s one of your anchor threads. So yeah–drop everything, be with him. Good or bad, doesn’t matter, because you need to be there. And most of us, Amanda? We get that. We’re going to get that. And we’ll see you when you can tour again.

  • Samaire Provost

    Be well, Amanda. And don’t worry about us, we’ll always be here for you. My heart goes out to your friend Anthony. That you can be there for him is an incredible gift. Thank you for that comfort you are giving him. I can only hope that I will have such comfort on my last days.

  • liesdownwithdogs

    Yes. Of course. As you know, in your heart. We will be here, with and for you, during and after. Love.

  • David Clark

    My grandfather died three years ago from a cancer that had been missed by the country hospital he was attending for over a year for back pain [a tumour was growing close to his spine and finally crushed a vertebrae]. I feel like that year was stolen from us. When he was finally sent up to the city hospital he was immediately diagnosed and put into Palliative Care.

    My grandfather lived 400 km south of Perth, Western Australia. I lived 400 km north. My brother lived in San Francisco, California FFS. Other members of the family lived elsewhere in Australia or the world. Thankfully we all got back in time before he died, but I still feel cheated about that last year.

    Long story short, don’t feel guilty for this time. You are being a loving, supportive friend, helping Anthony through one of the hardest moments in his life. If it all goes well, your friendship will be stronger than ever. If it all goes south you would never forgive yourself if you didn’t stop.

  • http://twitter.com/tserafouin laura

    I understand that you want to be with Anthony. If I had a sick friend I would do the same. Now I would. 
    My grandmother died two days ago. I held her hand. 
    She was getting weaker since last Saturday and said that she wanted to see me one more time. I really really didn’t want to go to see her. I am scared of seeing sick people, because it reminds me of how short life is, of how quickly it can be over.  I didn’t want to see her suffering, I wanted to remember her the way I last saw her a few weeks ago; old, in a wheelchair, but with a fit mind and relatively healthy body. 
    It was so selfish of me, I know. I know it now and I knew it even while I was thinking “I really don’t want to do this”. 

    If your dying grandmother wishes to see you one more time, you hop on a train, take two buses to get to her and you hold her hand until she is gone. If you want it or not. Of course I didn’t want to see my grandma die. But I was there and she was leaving, so I held her and cried until the sheets were all wet. Because it was the right thing to do. 

    And you’re doing the right thing as well. 

    Love from Switzerland 
    Laura 

  • João Paulo

    You’re awesome, Amanda. I’m from Brazil and I was going to the Fiona Apple’s concert, and I truly understand your reasons. I feel you should come with Fiona next year to South America. :D

    Good luck to Antony! And courage in life, it’ll make things easier.

  • Missy / @mformagpie

    Dropped everything to take care of my forever-bestest friend after she was diagnosed with inoperable brain tumor – she died 5 months later, Christmas Eve 2010. Again to take care of my Mom, multi-complications illness, she died Oct 2011. Again to take care of my Dad only 4 months after that, late-stage bowel cancer he didn’t know he had until it hit his liver, he died February 27 this year. Was with each of them at home throughout their last months/weeks (excellent EXCELLENT Hospice team will make alllllll the difference, when/if it comes to that – a good Hospice team is, finally, the care that everyone fucking SHOULD get all along), Kissed my best friend goodnight that last night before she fell asleep, was there when she didn’t wake up. Was with both Mom and Dad when the last breath left, and the next breath didn’t come.

    So much death, yes. But also, so much life. Always both together. Raw and broken, heart-full, sooo fucking much gratitude. Not one single regret for any of it. You and Anthony have both chosen your friends wisely. Love and strength to both of you, for as long as the next breath keeps coming and beyond. You already know – love is the part that doesn’t end.

  • Kathleen Dittmar

    No worries Amanda. You are a good friend & that is important. Reading that made me shed a little tear which is rare. I just got off the phone talking to my sister, her husband is in the battle of his life with cancer & she expressed how she would need me there sooner rather than later ( she is in Melbourne, I’m in Brisbane). Some things you just have to do. It is totally understandable. All the best to you & your friend Anthony. xx

  • Debra Albury

    All my friends and I love you! Anyone important to you is important to us. I have many friends who have or had cancer. I volunteer with American Cancer Society’s Relay For Life in Stockton, California so it’s not just Anthonys fight but our fight as well. I’ll be praying for him.

  • http://twitter.com/JackieSpade Jackie Spade

    You don’t know me, and you probably never will. But I had to share this with you, and I hope you do not mind.
    A few years ago a friend of mine was diagnosed with cancer. She was such an amazing woman, it was hard to believe something like this could happen. She had this… strength, this…. courage about her. She seemed almost immortal. Cancer was just such a… a human disease for her to get, and I thought she would beat it like she has everything else.
    At first it looked like she was going to. Everything started coming back fantastically. I thought… surely she was going to beat this.
    To tell you how strong this woman was, She’d been in a coma for at least a month. She came out of it the day before my daughter was born, and called me at the hospital. Instead of talking about her experience, she was asking how I was doing, how my daughter was doing, etc. And I made her my daughter’s godmother.
    I always planned on taking a trip up there to see her. But I thought I had all the time in the world. She’s fine, she’s strong, it can wait. I don’t have the funding, she’s busy, etc. Excuse, excuse, excuse. The truth is I was afraid to see my beloved friend in that state, and I really did think I had all the time in the world. Suddenly my birthday comes around, and I get a message that she’s turning for the worse. They’re making her comfortable. A few days later, she passed away. It was so sudden, I just remember staring at the phone for hours, unable to comprehend that she was gone.
    A year has passed, and the guilt hasn’t gotten easier. I will always carry this, I think. If I’d just made the time for her, I could have held her hand. I could have hugged her, and told her in person that I love her. That opportunity is gone.
    NO ONE deserves to carry that kind of guilt around with them. If people don’t understand your decision, then obviously they’ve never lost anyone close to them. You’re doing the right thing, and I support you whole heartedly for it.

  • http://revsean.com/ revsparker

    Dear Amanda,

    You are absolutely right. And I love the word “abide.” I’m a UU minister and so I get a lot of questions from people about “faith.” And I always say that to me, “faith” that is about believing something isn’t really that important. What is important is *being faithful.* You are being faithful and yes, that’s who I want you to be. FWIW, you and Anthony will also be in my thoughts, prayers, and just held close in my heart. Thank you for being you. Thank you for being faithful.

    <3
    Sean

  • http://twitter.com/spyteandmalice Alex King

    If there’s something that I am positively certain about, it is that being there for your loved ones is one of the most important things in the world. If we did not have friends to care for, the world would be a very lonely place. Which is why, when they DO need someone to take care of them, naturally you’d be there for them.

    IN NO WAY DO I FEEL LIKE YOU’VE LET US DOWN. It actually made me proud that you would be so selfless and caring, that you would rather support Anthony through the shitness of chemo than make money and have success and fame. I don’t care that I have to wait an extra half a year to see you. I wouldn’t care if I had to wait 5 years. I just want you to be there for him. He is obviously one of the most important people in the world for you, and it makes me admire you more that you put him over everything else.

    (Your situation actually sort of relates to something I’ve been going through for the past month and a half. The guy I’ve been seeing was in an almost-fatal car accident back in October. It’s a terribly long story, but there were a few days there at the beginning where the doctors were pretty sure he wasn’t going to survive. He was recovering pretty well for a while, until we had some brain damage scares, and for weeks I was living in some sort of dark limbo, not sure what the outcome would be because even the doctors didn’t know. Three weeks ago he pretty much just woke up and was his normal self, apart from all the horrific injuries, scalping-by-tree included. The point is, even though I’ve known him for less than a year, I pretty much put everything else in my life on hold and went head-long into this roller coaster of life because I wanted to be there for him, even if I couldn’t really do much. That’s just what you do for the people you love. My mother thinks I am irresponsible and ridiculous, spending my savings travelling 4 hours to Sydney every weekend to see him, but I would rather be penniless and be there for Liam than the alternative. It’s just what you do for people.)

  • Elena Shoemaker

    Dearest Amanda,

    Your fans love you and I promise you we will be here when you return. Those of us who have been here for years, and the new ones who find you every day, will wait for you because you are worth it.

    Over the years you’ve given us everything and we have noticed and loved you for it. You’ve let us in, let us get close, and made us feel appreciated every step of the way. How could we not forgive one tour when you’ve performed at times when you could barely speak? How could we not when you’ve talked to us, hugged us, and made us feel so involved and important? You let us in to your life and never once held us at arms length.

    It’s now our turn to give back and let you go.

    And when you return we’ll still buy tickets. We’ll still watch videos and show up for ninja gigs. We’ll crowdfund as many albums as you are willing to make because you earned it a million times over and you’ve earned us.

    Now go be a brilliant friend to a brilliant man and don’t think on it another minute. Keep us posted on how things are going and we’ll see you when you get back.

  • Jax

    You’re amazing. Proud to be a fan.

  • http://twitter.com/FelixMarques Félix Marqués

    I love you so much.

    I don’t know what else to say—there probably isn’t anything else to say.

    I have waited to see you since I became a fan in 2009. Through all these years you’ve never even played in my country, and I guess this only means it’ll take even longer. But I can honestly say I don’t give a single fuck. You are doing what is right.

    Often it happens that a choice gives us a momentary heartbreak. It is important to identify momentary heartbreaks from the ones that stay with you, and I am sure than a year or two from now, when this whole thing is past and the tour has been given, you will be relieved that you chose what you did, and this momentary heartbreak will have vanished, to be replaced by that relief.

    I wish the best of all possible luck in the universe to Anthony and to you.

    I love you. I wish I could hug you now, but I know some day I will anyway. And here’s an internet hug, for you and Anthony.

    *hug*

    (Now I’m gonna finally check out that Fiona Apple album and watch Anthony’s video.)

  • ranti

    <3

  • Rene

    When my father was dying he told me that he wasn’t afraid because he knew what it felt like to be surrounded completely by love. It was the love of friends and family that were by his side as he fought cancer. I wouldn’t trade a moment I spent by his side for anything in the world. I only wish I would have spent more moments with him. You will not regret your decision and I hope that your love helps give Anthony the strength to win his battle.

  • Leticia

    Dear Amanda,
    It is (from my point of view) absolutely normal that in a moment like this you choose to be where your heart tells you that you need to be. I agree with other people that say: we didn’t expect less from you. Not only you are a talented musician and performer, you are also an amazing human being :) and both reasons are equally important (at least to me) as a fan: I like your music, yes, but I like even more that it’s created by someone that inspires me also as a human being.
    I, for my part, will go on reading (and enjoying!) Anthony’s book, listening to your music and remembering a wonderful concert in Zurich, thinking about/praying for you both, and getting ready to get a ticket and come see you somehere in Europe (I’ll manage to get to at least one show) when the time is right :) All good things come in due time. But for now, all my love to you and Anthony in the times to come

  • Annebelle

    I don’t usually comment on blogposts, but I felt like it was necessary for this one. Just to tell you that I was among the fans who purchased a ticket. You’re not letting me down. It’s a brave decision to stay by your friend’s side, and the only right one. When I got the email about the cancelation, I felt as if I had to be disappointed, but I wasn’t. It felt strange. It felt like “oh, this gig I was looking forward to sooooo much isn’t happening. But I can’t be sad about it, because it’s for all the right reasons. It’s actually a good thing”. I really get how it is, seeing a loved one going to a struggle against cancer. My stepmom has been fighting for five years, going in and out of all kinds of different treatments. Last check up was the first check up in those five years they didn’t find anything new. We had a big party.

    It’s the only right decision.

  • LeeAnne Minnick

    When she was in her very early 20’s (newly married, settling in to her first house, in a strange city), my grandmother took in three small girls who’d found themselves suddenly orphaned. My mother and her two baby sisters were welcomed without hesitation into a home full of love.

    For fifty years my grandmother loved three girls-ladies-women as though they were her own. Because they *were* her own.

    She was not what you’d call a “sweetheart.” She had rough edges. She bristled. She taught me some of my favorite swear-words, long before I had permission (or cause) to use them.

    Growing up, the story of how my mother and aunts went to live with my grandmother was told as matter-of-fact. Never, ever, ever was it told with words like “goodness of her heart” or “even though she didn’t have to.”

    The stories of our family are ultimately the stories of us. They teach us how we came to be, in every meaning possible. Looking back, I realize with breathtaking appreciation that the story of my Murph teaches me that I come from a rare sort of love. A feet-on-the-ground, catch-you-if-you-fall sort of love.

    The sort of love that’s given without condition, without pause. The sort of love that comes from the deep well of our shared humanity, no matter our biological origin.

    Two and a half years ago, in the company of her daughters (who call her ‘Mommy’ to this day), my grandmother passed away, after a long struggle with cancer.

    I was 1,200 miles away.

    To be able to say goodbye, say thank you, say I love you again – I would give everything. Because I am steeped in her love, and I live in the sort of world that she proved *does* exist.

    It’s the sort of world that you live in, too.

    And I love that.

    No tickets have been purchased for any of your upcoming shows – I’m not in a position to fret over prepaid travel expenses or cancelled tour dates. You don’t know me. I don’t know you.

    But for awhile now, I’ve listened to your music and told people about you and generally been grateful for the nonstop support that you put out. I like it quite a lot. It hits me right in the feels.

    So you will go be with Anthony. You’ll smile at him and hold his hand and abide. And you won’t do it out of the goodness of your heart, even thought you don’t have to. You’ll do it because that’s what people do for other people.

    We reach out and grab hold. We say “Come what may.” and “You are not alone.”

    And while you’re there for Anthony in person, we’ll be here for you in spirit.

    Come what may.

    Nobody is ever alone.

    • Missy / @mformagpie

      Beautiful story. “A feet-on-the-ground catch-you-if-you-fall sort of love.” Beautifully said. <3

  • http://twitter.com/KatrinaHallene KatMarie

    Thank you.

    I spent a good portion of my pre-teen and teen years taking care of my nana, and at that age there were times that wanted to be doing other things but looking back I cherish every memory. Every time I checked that oxygen machine, every time I tried to get her to eat, every time she yelled at me from her confused Alzheimers state, and every song she sang to me.

    I love you and your music because you’re so real, and the music so honest. This is the real-est thing you can do, the only real and honest option in this situation. I am lucky in that I am still going to see you on NYE, but you know what, if something happens and you feel the need to change that plan as well, I will continue to applaud you.

    Nothings ever lost forever except the chances we didn’t take, the time we didn’t spend. Anthony will never leave you really, and though I’ve lost her, my nana hasn’t left me. If you garden them and water them, they make you what you are. Doing as much of the gardening along side them allows them an even greater chance to make you what you are.

    I went to The Lunatic Hero’s event because having read your words about Anthony I knew he had already helped to make you who you are and given how much I adore you I knew he had to be pretty damn awesome. I was still not prepared for how amazing he is, as I sat crying in the audience while he read his stories. I hope the best for him, and you as well.

    Love, hugs, and well wishes for all involved in your story right now,
    Kat

  • alloen

    amanda, this is why i’ve always admired you.

    you are such an honest person -not only to your friends, your fans, but yourself. you know who you are, and you stick to that. you always have, and if this, going big time and shit getting real didn’t change that, nothing ever will.

    i’ve seen a lot of people go through the threat of losing a loved one, myself included. i lost my mother at the age of fifteen to cancer, after she had been sick ten years before that with the most severe case of rheumatoid arthiritis her specialists had ever documented. her arthritis masked the cancer for so long, in august she was given just months to live. she said she wanted to make it until christmas, and the doctors called it a pipedream. this year, at eleven thirty eight this christmas night will mark three years that she’s been gone.

    but, what i mean to get at is this: don’t get yourself stuck. don’t end this with regrets. keep hope, but also be rational. be ready.

    because when people we love do leave, we aren’t haunted by their ghosts. we’re haunted by ourselves. our mistakes and our memories, the “could have” s and “should have” s. after my mother died, i lost it. the eating disorder that had been but a mere burr in my life since childhood swallowed me whole. it became my suicide attempt. and it left me, by medical standards, a miracle. i should be dead, or suffering severe repercussions. instead, i’m still here. but since i never did the things i should have, or said the things i wanted to, it’s so hard to move on. i crawl back to this disease half the time because it’s comfortable and i feel i deserve it.

    so, make the most of things. as long as he’s capable, do the things you two have always wanted to try doing. always had a dream of streaking through the commons together? is there some weird take out place or restaurant you’ve wanted to go to? stories or songs you wanted to write together? go for it. laugh and cry and talk to each other –take it as a great chance, under unfortunate circumstances. take the time to get closer to each other, to say the things you were always scared to.

    amanda, we all believe in you. you are going to do this and we will be behind you, no matter what. you’re an amazing woman, incredibly talented and devoted to your music and your life. don’t think for a moment that you made the wrong decision, because shows and songs and music videos can wait, but not this.

    and remember: everything will be okay in the end. if it’s not okay, it’s not the end.

  • http://www.facebook.com/hetty.macdowell Hetty MacDowell

    Sending you guys love, light, strength and healing.
    Amanda, it is an honor to be a gate keeper, to hold a hand and to hold space for those who are going through things we dare not imagine but must.To walk towards the precipice with courage yet not go through. This journey will only add to the beautiful depths that are you. Thank you for sharing it all with us.

  • http://twitter.com/HlnVnPtrsnPttn Tonia Scoville

    Lots of thoughts, so here goes: Take care of yourself, and Neil, and Anthony. I used to think of myself as a Crusader Against Death as an ICU nurse and critical care educator. Then, a lady brought her baby in the wrong door of the hospital and we had to try to resuscitate her child in front of her and her other children in the Education Center. Her daughter was dead when we got her, there was nothing we could do, she was two weeks from her first birthday. My daughter had turned 2 just the day before, and I was devastated. About 3 months later, my boss yelled at me and I snapped. Walked in two weeks later and gave my notice. I needed to be with my family and not doing a job I didn’t enjoy and was killing me slowly.What I was chosing was life. So you enjoy the fuck out of your life while you can, and be with those who give a damn about you, and you them. We’ll be here when you are able to get back out, no worries. Choose life.

    • http://twitter.com/dentwist42 Dave Entwistle

      Tonia, Although I can’t imagine the stresses you have experienced professionally, I share your beautifully expressed philosophy: ‘enjoy the fuck out of your life while you can, and be with those who give a damn about you, and you them’. I have been moved and encouraged by how many people on this blog really do give a damn.

  • Ami xx

    I’m crying so much right now. Not because you’re cancelling, you have to cancel & be with your friend there’s no other choice. I’m just so incredibly sad for you. It’s so hard watching someone you love so much go through this. You are a wonderful person Amanda & being there for Anthony whenever he needs you is the only choice. Know that we all love you & we’re all here for you, even if it’s only through your blog or Twitter.
    Stay strong xx *sending the most positive thoughts & hugs from Australia*

  • Lydia

    I guess it’s weird to say, since we’re a bit abstract, but if you need anything, if Anthony needs anything, please let us know. You affect us more than you can ever know. You’re in my thoughts a lot right now. Love and hugs and hope and everything xx

    • http://twitter.com/alverdverd Alverd GualCibeira

      yes, please. whatever.

  • http://www.facebook.com/charlieamerica Charlie Eh

    What you are doing, Amanda dear, is nothing less natural than breathing. Your ask for absolution is both unnecessary and unwarrented. Our connections with each other, how the stories of our lives intertwine, define and grow us into (we hope) the beings we wish to be.

    Your connection with Anthony is a defining characteristic of who you are and the admiration of those that know you reflect (again I hope) you to be the person you wish to be.

    Live without regret, love without restraint, sing as if the world was your loving dog.

  • Brian Mann

    And this, right here, is why we love you.

  • Mark

    Very sad to hear this news (about your friend and the tour). However, as you say, you’re doing the right thing and we will respect that. Hope your friend recovers and you return to Manchester for more illegal secret outdoor encores.

  • http://www.facebook.com/alison.taylor.1232760 Alison Taylor

    love x

  • cherie

    Reading this has brought a tear to my eye, I too have dealt with loved ones having cancer- as have so many others.. it does not get easier or better, I feel greatly for you and Anthony at this scary time. I hope beyond hope that all does go well and he is comfortable. I have tickets for 2 QLD shows but I will be holding onto them as I know you are a women of her word and I wish you safe times and love sent to Anthony xxx

  • B

    The fans will wait. You made the right decision.

  • Windrays

    You’re a phenomenal person, a gentle soul, and a good friend, Amanda. Anyone who would *dare* to judge you for this doesn’t deserve to know of you, your music, or how much good you do for so many people.

    Both you and Anthony, stay strong throughout. I’m sending good vibes. <3

    Much love,
    Chris

  • kim @frogpondsrock

    You are doing the right thing. Your Fans will be here waiting. Friendship is critical. My mother became ill with cancer in 2008 and died in 2009. There was a small window of opportunity a few months before mum died when she wanted to fly to Sydney with me and we delayed the trip. Mum died before we could go. She was so excited about the trip and she died before we could go. I still can’t look at the Opera house without feeling regret.
    Stay with your friend. Tassie will be waiting for you. Love and light to Anthony.

  • http://www.facebook.com/dandelionharriman Dannielle Harriman Eubank

    I understand, I am sorry Anthony is going through this but relieved to know that he has someone like you to be there with him through it. I took care of my mother when she went through chemo for lymphoma and you will feel many emotions, most won’t be good. It takes bravery to be there for someone through something so scary and I have always seen you as one of the strongest women I have ever seen from afar. I used to save my fear and sadness until I went home so my mom didn’t see me cry. I didn’t want her to know how scared I was of losing her. Luckily, I was able to tell her later. She is still in remission but every time she gets weak or sick I fear it will come back. She swore she will never go through it again and my mom is the strongest woman I have ever met. I believe in you and no matter how tough it gets, he has you and you will know that if the worst was to happen you have no regrets because you are doing everything in your power to help. I would donate the bone marrow myself if I was a match.I will be thinking of him and keeping him the area of my brain that I store kick ass people such as yourself and your Neil. I hope all is well and always keep faith in him and yourself to be there, no matter how bad it seems. I love you lady and you are my hero for posting things like this to far, to be open and I hope that I can be more like you one day.

  • Sarah

    Abide in peace.

  • wendy

    If you have the chance to say goodbye you must If you can be there you must but lets hope that the goodbye never happens

  • http://twitter.com/maleghast Maleghast

    Dear Amanda,

    I am so glad that you know that we love you, not “in spite of” but “because of” the fact that you would do something like this.

    I am pleased that you plan to re-schedule the UK dates, but I’d happily buy the ticket again (I accept that I am very privileged to have the means to take this view and I don’t say it lightly), so for waht it may be worth, this fan says “don’t sweat it” – as you have already worked out, whilst your career and your tour are both important they pale into insignificance next to the need to be present in the human part of your life.

    Last night I went to see Florence + The Machine with my best friend. The last time she saw Florence was with a mutual friend of ours in Scotland, and that was the last time that she saw our mutual friend. Dee, our Becca (he said making all kinds of assumptions about the circumstances that I hope you will allow or at least forgive) died suddenly and with no warning at the start of this year, and all of us who knew her well have started to feel as though we need to pay more attention to the ties that bind and the “things that really matter”(tm), and last night was a chance for us to remember Dee and glory in some music that we three all loved whilst also celebrating our friendship and what we mean to one another – it was awesome.

    I genuinely hope with all my heart that Anthony gets the best outcome possible from his treatment, for his sake and for yours as his friend, not to mention all the other people in his life that deserve a kind thought from strangers like me who now know of their worries and fears.

    In the meantime, thank you for continuing to be the person that I think you are… Amanda you are not only an “art chick par excellence” (thank you Mr Kevin Smith), but you are also a true artist, at least by my definition, as you offer up a single, honest face to the World, and I love you for it.

    All the best, and much love to you and yours xx

  • http://twitter.com/brogenhayes Brogen Hayes

    I’m not surprised, but I am glad you have postponed. We can wait, and the pain and suffering the tour would cause you and Anthony are not worth it. I was sick a couple of years ago and I know, if someone I loved was due to leave for months, I would have been overjoyed if they had stayed with me.

    Thank you for your honesty.
    Sending love. We are all thinking of you and Anthony.

    xxx

  • maiamadness

    Fuck… crying now. I was telling a friend just tonight how excited I was about the tour. How seeing you before had basically changed my life and made me realise what it is I need to do with my life, what it is I need to be. She was present when I got the text from my boyfriend telling me the tour had been canceled. And while I was disappointed and saddened, I realised very quickly that, of course you had to do it. Of course this is what you would do, because that’s the kind of person you are and, yes, that’s the kind of person we want you to be. You are such an amazing human being. I knew this already, but this just further confirms it. I hope Anthony recovers, and if he doesn’t, I hope that you will get to spend as much time with him and enrich the remainder of his life as you possibly can. There will be other tours, other shows, other chances for us to see you. Take care of yourself, and take care of Anthony, and be brave for both of you. You’ll be in my thoughts. <3

  • http://twitter.com/alverdverd Alverd GualCibeira

    My high-school best friend is in the hospital right now. Leukemia, too. She’s only 21. ”When are we REALLY going to spend some time together?”, we asked ourselves last summer, when we met in a party. Then I moved to a big city. And recieved the fatidic call.

    I’ve got no band mates, and all that stuff. I’ve got no tour dates worldwide to cancel. But I think I can really understand you.
    There’s nothing to forgive.
    So yes, you’re being the person we want you to be. You are the person we want. Thanks, once again. and all the strenght and real love to your beloved Anthony.

  • http://twitter.com/JenniferOShuss Jennifer Cavnar

    I haven’t seen even one negative comment… Amanda, you are seriously the most wonderful person I have ever known. Your fanbase is amazing and I am so happy to be a part of it. One of the best nights of my life was when you and Brian came to Chicago in November 2010.

  • Guest

    My high-school best friend is in the hospital right now. Leukemia, too. She’s only 21. ”When are we REALLY going to spend some time together?”, we asked ourselves last summer, when we met in a party. Then I moved to a big city. And recieved the fatidic call.

    I’ve got no band mates, and all that stuff. I’ve got no tour dates worldwide to cancel. But I think I can really understand you.
    There’s anything to forgive.
    So yes, you’re being the person we want you to be. You are the person we want. Thanks, once again. And all the strenght and real love to your beloved Anthony, and his people.

  • Marina

    I bought 6 tickets several weeks ago. I can wait. We can wait. “Vorfreude ist die schoenste Freude!” I am not the tiniest bit disappointed or sad, strangely. I know I can trust you. You are making the right decision, dear Amanda. You can’t separate the art and its artist when talking about perception. And in this case I’m afraid the artist is making about 60% of my perception of AFP. I really dig what Amanda is doing, but I LOVE Amanda herself. Love her for being who she is – the most inspiring person there is.

  • http://twitter.com/alverdverd Alverd GualCibeira

    My high-school best friend is in the hospital right now. Leukemia, too. She’s only 21. ”When are we REALLY going to spend some time together?”, we asked ourselves last summer, when we met at a party. Then I moved to a big city. And recieved the fatidic call.

    I’ve got no band mates, and all that stuff. I’ve got no tour dates worldwide to cancel. But I think I can really understand you.
    There’s anything to forgive.
    So yes, you’re being the person we want you to be. You are the person we want. Thanks, once again. And all the strenght and real love to your beloved Anthony, and his people.

  • L Lahti

    In winter of 2006, after seeing you and Brian perform THE most amazing musical I have ever seen (The Onion Cellar, at the Zero Arrow Theater in Harvard Square) my friends and I went to Noir for a bite.

    I remember that you were there at Noir as well, smiling and chatting and exchanging Christmas gifts with an older man, whom I now realize was Anthony. My friends and I wanted to give you praises for your performance but you two looked far too content to be disturbed. <3

  • jan begg

    hi amanda, i’ve never posted on anyone’s blog before – three years ago, my best friend and dog buffy died of cancer, I sat with her to the end … then the following year my sister was diagnosed, so again I put everything on hold and held her hand through two winters of chemo. she died here at home last october. i wouldn’t give that time back for anything, it is the greatest privilege to be allowed into someone’s REAL life. you are doing the right thing, absolutely without doubt. i hope it goes well … no matter the outcome, it is already better for your dear friend. love jan xxx

  • http://www.facebook.com/gail.griffin.77 Gail Griffin

    Love you Amanda. If everyone had a friend like you, the world would be a far more beautiful place.

  • Nuno

    dear amanda. i think i know how you are feeling. That’s what friends are for.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Alison-Waddy/100000384017098 Alison Waddy

    You’re amazing yo. I love you forever and you’re making the only possible choice. You nailed it when you said someone who bailed on their best friend is not who we’d want you to be. May the power of rock be with you, and all the best to Anthony, seriously.

  • http://www.facebook.com/kelly.straub1 Kelly Straub

    Dear heart, this is exactly the reason we all love you. Our thoughts are with you and Anthony. Hopefully I will get my finances (freelance work occasionally sucks) sorted before New Years so I can come sing with you all again. <3

  • Malin

    Not good at words when it comes to anything important but just wanted you to know that your music means a lot to me and you mean a lot to me, partially because you have all the right priorities when it comes to stuff that matters, and that I wholeheartedly support you in this decision. Best of luck.

  • Lola

    You are worth the wait Amanda, I hope your mate will be okay x

  • miserichik

    Amanda, you are the most amazing friend. Our world would be a way better place if we all had friends like you (or could all BE friends like you.) We told you in the other blog that we would stand by you, and we will. Of course, I already saw you and your wonderful amazing band, in Philly, when the tour started, and you were still “figuring it out” with this album. I am sure that if I’d had to postpone it, I would’ve been sad, but NOT angry. I still believe that this is your journey and we are all along for the ride, in whatever way you can bring us. We will be there, singing loudly, dressed to the nines, when you come back (and yes, I’m going to be there for the Prince-fest in NYC!) Amazing Friend Palmer, you are……..that’s what AFP stands for now. xoxoxox

  • Daniel Letsch

    You will never regret your decision to cancel and be with Anthony. I made the same decision changing my plans to be with my 91 year old father and was with him nearly every hour of every day until the end. Hopefully Anthony’s outcome will be more positive , and I wish a good future to you both. But, please know you will never regret your decision. Mine was the best decision I have ever made and will regret it. Anthony is a very lucky person to have you as his friend. Best wishes to you and Anthony!

    • Daniel Letsch

      CORRECTION “and will never regret it.” See penultimate sentence.

  • BL

    all the love of your fans will be there with you
    when you sit by his side and hold his hand.

  • Grace Bouma

    Amanda, you are doing the exact right thing. As you wrote, it’s what I expect you to do, and if you didn’t do it, you wouldn’t really be the Amanda I love. I’ll be sending positive energy your way. Be strong. Be loving.

  • mclusky

    Hi Amanda, you probably don’t remember me, but I just want to share a little bit of my story with you.

    I used to be a big fan of yours several years ago. I loved the Dresden Dolls, came to all of your shows (I went to every Dolls gig I could get to, including the great (the Roundhouse DVD show), the good (the two nights supporting NIN at the Astoria) and the bad (Wireless festival at Hyde Park), and followed your blog regularly.

    And I was also lucky enough to meet you in person, several times. One of those times, I gave you a letter. It had my email address in it. And you emailed me, several times (that meant a lot to me at that time, and I’m not sure if I ever truly thanked you, so thank you). I was in a band myself back then, and I took some of your advice and I ran with it, and ended up supporting my favourite band of all time (Oasis) in Moscow. Back then, you told me to email Emily about it because she would get a kick out of it, so I did, and she did.

    But then the Dolls slowly imploded, and my relationship with music slowly imploded, and when you became just ‘Amanda Palmer’ I found myself losing interest, and didn’t really stay connected. I stopped listening and I stopped reading and I stopped believing.

    In that time, I left my band, and I left the music business, and I went and did a Masters degree in Counselling Psychology. And I got married. And I had a son. And now I work as a psychotherapist, helping people with mental health issues. And I’m really good at it.

    And today I read this post, and I watched the ‘Swamp’ video, and something clicked for me: in the same way that “we” are the media now, “we” are also all Amanda Palmer. The Amanda Palmer I used to connect with is not a singular entity any more, but a plural: a collective of people, a movement, a bunch of ideas, a super-organism. And THAT is something I want to re-engage with. So I’m going to start listening again. And reading again. And believing again.

    You made the right decision.

    x

  • Alex Kozlowski

    Amanda, you are an inspiration to us all. Not ever would I have felt let down by you especially by how much energy and love you give to your fans.You are the only artist who I have seen that has really made me feel happy. I cried when I saw you. Do not feel bad for this choice. Your time is with him. We can all wait. Take all the time you need to be with him. Things like this are not easy and you made the right choice. Both of you stay strong. Much love,
    Alex Kozlowski

  • http://twitter.com/Esmertina Esmertina Bicklesnit

    When Fiona shared her letter I braced myself for a cynical backlash that didn’t come. Oh, there wasn’t a complete lack of snark, but the support and empathy drowned it all out. It made me realize that by expecting snark, I was being the cynical one.

    I’m so glad you realized halfway through your post that you don’t need to brace yourself for your fans’ reaction to this announcement. I admit I’m a little relieved that I didn’t book the UK trip I had fantasized about to see your shows there, but even if I had, I wouldn’t feel that you had let me down, even a smidgen. I’d have decided the universe had other things for me to do while I was in the UK.

    It’s just as you say. We love you because you are the kind of person who will make this choice even with something as huge as the momentum of Theatre is Evil at stake. And because you’re the kind of person who will share it with us. Selfishly, I love you because time and again you inspire me with your fearlessness and authenticity, and nudge me ever so slightly towards being the person I wish I could be.

    And this choice is about as fearless and authentic as it gets.

  • SarahMoon

    I would love to know I have a friend like you when my time comes……. I hope I do. Be well and love with your whole heart…… the only way it was meant to be done.

  • balloo

    Sending love, hope, and a bit of random unsolicited advice for Anthony – consider fasting before treatments. It may help protect the good cells while leaving the bad ones vulnerable. I will be thinking of him, and of you, and wishing you the strength to see this through.

  • Aidan84

    Do not regret this, Amanda. I am a medical social worker, and I have the privilege of working with cancer patients every day. I have seen people put career, travel, etc. ahead of spending time with someone who is facing a life threatening illness. I have seen people live with the regret of not being there when someone they love is fighting for survival. To fight cancer people need more than doctors, nurses, social workers, medications, and treatments. People need friends and family. Anthony needs YOU. Your presence is some of the best medicine for him. Laugh together, cry, tell stories, watch bad movies, drink tea…but do not second guess yourself…not even for one minute. “Those who matter won’t mind, and those who mind don’t matter.”

    Oh…and I will be at the NYC show with the VIP crowd. We will all sing loudly for you, the band, and for Anthony.

  • http://www.facebook.com/tatteredf Tattered Fabiola

    you are a great friend for doing what you are…it will be tough but you will be the best and harmless medication for your friend, in these sick times. xoxoxo

  • http://twitter.com/theredbfg Rhiannon Palmer

    Dude, honey you yourself,Neil, your closest mates and band will always come first. Take care your fans will miss yah but take care of yourself see you live in concert some time soon.xxx

  • http://twitter.com/vampdaddy Vampdaddy

    Amanda, yesterday my son had his 25th MRI (at only 7.5 years of age, that’s a lot of scanning), which showed conclusively that he has passed the big milestone of 5 years with no evidence of disease since he finished treatment for his cancer. As I wandered the halls of Chez Healing (as I used to call it) I thought of Anthony. I thought of those days of darkness I went through – by my son’s side, knowing it was the only place in the world worth being. I thought of the days I couldn’t be with him – when I had to work in order to keep the lights on and the health insurance going.

    And I thought, how amazingly far all of that is from us now – they were all-consuming, heart swallowing and terror-filled days. And now, I revel in his laugh, in his singing – his glee at meeting you, Neil and Anthony at the book launch – in his chagrin that he had to miss 2nd grade music class to go have his tests. I stand in wonder at the great gift I have been given – so many moments of “normalcy” – moments where I don’t jump when the phone rings, thinking it could be bad news. Moments where the day or the week is spread before us like promise, only to be filled with our hopes and dreams.

    For many this does not happen. Those kind of moments never come again. I know my family and I – any of us – could return to that reality at any moment – and for that reason I continue to do what I can to spend every moment with my son – and if I can’t (someone has to bring home the bacon after all), I do what I can to make sure every moment we are together is filled with love and joy, joy, joy, joy.

    If I learned anything in my years as a caregiver to my son during his cancer ordeal, it’s this:

    Never, NEVER regret the decisions you make on behalf of your loved one. They are absolutely right, whatever they are.

    And lastly, life – maybe the one you new before, maybe a different one but life nonetheless – will wait for you. As will the people who love you. We are waiting, we are here. Be present in this most sacred of battles, this most holy of journeys into the unknown. Being with Anthony during this experience will be the most profound and beautiful gift you can give to another person. Don’t worry about us. You are doing EXACTLY what you should do and I for share with you my strength.

    • watchmeboogie

      <3

  • Alex Kozlowski

    Amanda, you are an inspiration to us all. Not ever would I have felt let down by you especially by how much energy and love you give to your fans.You are the only artist who I have seen that has really made me feel happy. I cried when I saw you. Do not feel bad for this choice. Your time is with him. We can all wait. Take all the time you need to be with him. Things like this are not easy and you made the right choice. Both of you stay strong. Much love,
    Alex Kozlowski

  • mandyoliverio

    love and strength and lots of prayers to both of you.

  • http://twitter.com/midnight_faerie Bethy

    Amanda,
    This blog hit me right in the feels.
    I am so glad that you chose to stay with Anthony. He is going to need all the love and light around him that he can get.
    I fucking hate cancer. Hate it.
    My mum had found a lump in her breast when I was about 16, almost 17. We thought it was just breast cancer and she might have to have a mastectomy. It turned out that her body was riddled with cancer. They gave her 6 months to live. She had lots of chemo and different experimental treatments. She fought for a year.
    It seemed like things were starting to work, but she went downhill fairly fast the last 4 months she was alive. And I stayed with her, holding her hand, singing to her, brushing her hair when it grew back, even as she slowly started to slip away and forget who I was, I tried not to leave her side.
    The night she died, my whole family showed up at the hospital and blocked me from being in the room with my mum. I didn’t get to say goodbye. I would have given anything to hold her hand, or wrap my arms around her as the gods called her back. It kills me every day that I didn’t get that chance.
    I will light a candle for Anthony.I know you have Neil to lean on in real time, but you have all of us to help hold you up when you feel like you can’t do it anymore. We might just be a huge scattered mass of humanity, but in a weird way, we’re all family. And family never leaves anyone behind.
    I love you, Amanda.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=5249197 Elizabeth Leinback

    Hi Amanda — I think you touch so many people because you very bravely share your life with us. That’s a broader, deeper art that not everyone chooses to create. I just spent half of the last week with my favorite aunt — first in the hospital, and then in hospice. I had to leave to come back to my job, and I call every few hours to find out from someone else in my family how she is. I wish more than anything that I could just be there. You are doing an incredibly right thing staying with your friend as he struggles, and I hope you guys come through this with more love between you than ever, and with his health.

    P.S. It’s pretty hard to listen to music right now. Your albums are one of my safe places. Thank you.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000244251848 Glenn Craven

    We love you, too, Amanda. And it isn’t just because you’re insanely talented. It’s because of who you are, and THIS is precisely who you are.

    Be there for Anthony. You’ll be everywhere else in the world for all of us eventually, when you can be, because that’s also who you are. We know that, we love you, and we will wait for you as long as this may take.

    I wish all the love and luck in the universe to you and of course to Anthony.

  • http://www.facebook.com/psfrench76 Patrick French

    Amanda, I am so happy that you are in a place where you can make this kind of decision. To be a slave to a career would be heartbreaking, and to miss out on one of your life’s, and one of your People’s live’s, defining moments wouldn’t just be heartbreaking. It would be devastating. So although I consider myself personally lucky to have caught you in Chicago (it was amazing) before this happened, if it had happened before that show I still would have cried for you and supported your decision wholeheartedly. Your art has helped me through so much; to then turn to you and say “You owe me this show, regardless” would be unthinkable. I love your art so much; I don’t presume to know you truly, but I love what I know of you, and what you have told me/us. So as a fellow human being, yes, please, be there for your friend, with all that you have, and add what you can of our support as well. I know what it is to watch someone suffer, and to lose someone dear and significant to you, and I know that you would regret this forever if you were not the kind of person who picked up everything and sat by her friend’s side while he was facing the unknown. So please know that you have our love, and support, and the universe has as much good vibes from us as it could possibly hear and/or act on. I love you so much. <3

  • http://twitter.com/DeccaQuinne Karen Barclay

    It’s important to be with someone you love when they need you. It’s the right decision.

  • Kerri

    You made the right choice. I can not imagine a world in which anyone who loves you & loves what you give so fiercely, would think otherwise. Be with your loved one & if you need strength, take some from those of us who you have given so much to.
    Love you

  • http://www.facebook.com/hillary.kelley.1960 Hillary Kelley

    There is no present kinder than the presence of those we love when reality becomes overwhelming. Bless you for letting your friend know how important he is to you.

  • http://twitter.com/AndrewJanke Andrew Janke

    I’m sad to hear you’re canceling the tour, but totally support you and am proud of you for making this call. Love and hope to you and Anthony.

  • Melissa

    You make me proud.

  • Ruby Verbena

    Big giant love. It’s the best kind. Please go and direct that big spotlight of love of yours directly at Anthony, and keep it there, come what may. There are plenty of shoulders out here when you need them to hoist you up or to cry upon if it comes to that. Big giant love to you from us so you can be there for him.

  • http://twitter.com/mortava Noelle

    You are absolutely doing the right thing! MUCH love and strength your way. <3

  • Page

    We can wait. People are the only thing. I have lost enough to know and every one of them, I did it wrong. You are doing it right. No worries. We can wait.

  • stellahhh

    You have my support and I love, love, love you. I love that you speak to us fans so candidly through your blog. And honestly, as a fan of your work, I think I owe your friend Anthony many thanks for helping to shape you into the amazing person you are. I wish you both strength.

    Thank you for your music. Thank you for the creative energy you send into the world.

  • http://www.facebook.com/adlerjenna Jenna Adler

    I’m coming to New York, and I will give you what I have, my love, my strength. You can take it to him from me. From all of us.

  • LadyBear

    Darling artist woman, I am so glad you were able to see the amazingness that is Amanda Fucking Palmer goes beyond being a bloody magnificent rock star, but into being a good person. You are a person who made a incredibly difficult and risky decision for love, and if that isn’t amazing, then I don’t know what is. We’ll be here, the ones who hear *you* and the ones who just see the glitter will come back when the glitz comes out again, which I have all faith it will. Because you are AFP, and art, love, tears and glitter all merge into what you give to the world, and the world needs more art love and glitter.

    Take care of him, take care of Neil and most of all, take care of you, right? All else is extra.

    We adore you, honest.

  • Page

    Just as kind of a sort of fucked up kind of funny thing..when I went to Amazon to order the book, down below, where they list Things That People have Bought Who Also Bought This Book….a jar of Marmite. Try and be upbeat, Love. After all, what the fuck else can you do?

  • Sherry S.

    Your love for Anthony rings clear through every word you write, and it is all completely understandable. You should absolutely be at his side. It is where I would want to be for my best friend, if he needed me. And he’s who I’d want to see if I needed him.

    Thank you for being the kind of person who would be honest with her fans and express her heart, even if it means having to postpone a concert. Thank you for being the kind of person who chooses love and family (in whatever form). Thank you for wanting to be such a good friend. My admiration and respect for you continues to grow, in the light of your integrity and kindness.

    May you find strength to be there for your friend in whatever ways he needs. And most importantly, I wish good health for Anthony. I will be thinking strong, healthy thoughts for him!

  • Mark, somewhere in Australia

    You are doing the right thing, without a doubt.

    We’ll see you when you get here next, and if that’s months or a year later than we thought, so be it. You have somewhere else you need to be, and it’s for the best possible reason. Friendship is the thing that truly matters.

    (I’m not usually so sentimental. I blame red wine in large amounts. It’s been that sort of day.)

  • http://www.facebook.com/yvette.scholtz.5 Yvette Scholtz

    This is why we love you – you are human and you share everything with us, the good and the bad. Go and be with Anthony – it’s the obvious decision to make!
    Love and hugs to you and Anthony <3

  • Tash

    I’m going to your concert, with my boyfriends mum.
    She loves you, and idolizes you.

    I had never seen an artist, or ever heard of anyone like you until she had showed me you.

    You are an incredibly strong woman, and such a big role model.
    What you are doing is so right, and i’m sure every single person would support what you are doing 100%!

    you are SO strong.
    so much love for you and your friend ! <3

  • PB Ray

    Being there counts in ways you will only understand once you come out the other side. My husband was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer 2 years ago. Because it was so advanced, his treatment was very difficult- and there were days as his only caretaker that I thought I might pancake and hit the floor and never get up again. I worked full time the first 8 weeks of his treatment–and took him to his daily treatments, blood draws, scans, and then was at the pharmacy nearly every day getting something else he needed. What you are doing is the hard thing- the loving thing that means more than most can comprehend unless they have been there. My husband’s treatments worked. He is still with me and he pulled through because he is strong- and so I am I- I pulled, pushed prodded and was his advocate in doctors offices and on the phone with people who said things like, “Well what did you expect? He has Cancer!” So lean on whomever you can- and do whatever you know is right and whatever happens with your friend, you will know you have been true to who you are and you will not ever have that thought, “What if?” All my best to you and your friend.

  • http://www.facebook.com/jeannene.glockner Jeannene Glockner

    Dear Amanda, I won’t even try to add anything new or different to the love that is being shared here, I’d just like to add my own bit of loving support and encouragement that staying with Anthony is absolutely the right thing to do. As someone else noted earlier, it’s not that we’ll be waiting for you, we will be there beside you in spirit and in loving prayer.

  • Christopher

    You are doing good by being with him. There will be time for touring later on. This just shows how amazing you are as a person. I wish him a speedy recovery and a quick remission. With a friend like you his spirits should be lifted.

  • KirraQ

    You are a champion! And sometimes things work out well, like for my dad, and you get to go back to normal but all the time you spent together in the difficult times was worth it and you’d never change it. I hope it works out like that for you and your best friend, best wishes :)
    p.s When things got hard I would watch Jane Austen movies/tv…….

  • TCCooke

    Disappointing thousands of people for someone you love makes perfect sense. And the disappointment fails in comparison to the reasoning. I’m sure that the thousands forgive, and lend as much support as their spirits abide. You care about him. We care about you. By association we hope the best, of him and you. And we’ll meet again (a little later) with a few more miles on us, knowing that you made the right call.

  • Nath.

    Take all the time you need. Really. We will still be here. Really.
    I booked a ticket, flight and hotel to see you in London. I don’t mind. Really. I understand.

    This kind of unconditional friendship only restores my faith in huminaty.
    Stay strong…

    Love from Belgium

  • http://www.facebook.com/mario.lepera.3 Mario Lepera Fuster

    Dear Amanda: you have accomplished something truly remarkable (and well deserved) with your Kickstarter Campaign, your wonderful new album, concerts and reviews; but staying human during these
    times is your greatest victory. Congratulations.

  • SignificantNothing

    I have been waiting to see you preform for the last 7 years, this was the first time I was able to purchase a ticket and I want you to know that I am more than happy to wait. You are an inspiration. I’m genuinely stuggling to find the words to express just how much I admire you for making this decision. And though I don’t believe that you need mine or anyone else’s approval I still wanted to post just to let you know that you are right when you say you’re not letting anyone down, I’ve never been prouder to say that I am a fan of Amanda Palmer.

  • http://www.facebook.com/chaibandit Amber Graham

    I have been a fan of yours for quite some time now and I think one of my most memorable moments of my teenage years would be the time I accidentally collided with you in a record store in Seattle when you and Brian were on the “Fuck the Back Row” tour. I was happy to see that you were such a genuinely nice human being and that you didn’t flip out over it like some artists would have if they let fame get to their heads. When you post things like this it shows that you have maintained your human side and that you won’t let anything get in the way of what matters most to you.
    Your friend Anthony seems like a wonderful person, and I hope that he will stay strong and put up a good fight! Having you by his side might even make all the difference, so I fully support your decision to step down for the forseeable future. You have one of the most loyal fan bases in the world, I’d say, and while some of us might be disappointed that we won’t get to see you, we’ll be happier that you’re there for your best friend.

  • fluorisch

    You have all my heart’s permission.

  • http://twitter.com/dentwist42 Dave Entwistle

    So sorry for you and Anthony. Stay strong for him. Much love and respect for your decision. I’ll look forward even more to seeing you and the band when the time is right. In the meantime, I will keep enjoying the fantastic album. I have to say that the amazing messages of support from your friends and fans are deeply moving – and life affirming.

  • Russ

    For what it’s worth, and you already know this, it’s the right thing to do, no question, anything else but putting a loved one first would have chipped away at your goodness, if you feel bad about letting people down, then switch it around for a moment and imagine how you would feel if an artist you like made this sort of decision, you might be dissapointed at missing a gig, but you’d respect them more, love them more, for choosing morality over celebrity, and that’s how I feel, that’s how we feel. Massive heaps of love. x

  • http://www.facebook.com/paul.m.barker Paul Michael Barker

    you have made the choice i could not, twice over the last two years. partly for reasons of career, partly fiscal. and hugely because i believed that i would have the time to do so later on. a denial thing. i really hope you do also get plenty of time together far into the future.
    i made the right decision for me but i do still regret both,
    you should not regret your choice, it’s the right thing to do. the fans that you should have are the ones that will understand unconditionally.
    good luck, to both of you x

  • http://www.facebook.com/emma.prince24 Emzi Pea

    You don’t need to apologise or explain. It wasn’t a decision to make but simply a breath to inhale.
    I met my husband late in life and we never take any of our time for granted. He lost a precious friend very young and didn’t get the chance to say goodbye or have that last drink and it has never left him. He tells me every day that life is precious and for living and the last thing any of us want to do is to reach the end of the journey and think ‘Shit, I wish … ‘
    you’ll be able to say ‘Yes, I did …’
    <3

  • http://twitter.com/balive2love Meagan Elizabeth

    There is nothing to hear. Just be…there. Love & light & bumblebee hugs ***{}{}{}***

  • http://www.facebook.com/dominique.angillis Dominique Angillis

    You made a great décision, a very good one, the best for everybody. You do not have to apologize for having a big heart ! You wrote : ” i feel like i’m being the person you’d want me to be”, well I think we also want to be – and are, I hope – the persons you want us to be. You give and share so much with us. And for concerts: we will be there when you and your band will return, whenever it is. Beaucoup d’amour et de bonnes énergies pour vous et pour Anthony.

  • http://www.facebook.com/dominique.angillis Dominique Angillis

    You made a great décision, a very good one, the best for everybody. You do not have to apologize for having a big heart ! You wrote : ” i feel like i’m being the person you’d want me to be”, well I think we also want to be – and are, I hope – the persons you want us to be. You give and share so much with us. And for concerts: we will be there when you and your band will return, whenever it is. Beaucoup d’amour et de bonnes énergies pour vous et pour Anthony.

  • sorqaqtani

    I understand why you need to explain, to almost ask permission. This is your job, and we are your employers. But we’re not jerks, so of course we say “go. come back when you’re ready. no one can do this work like you. we’ll make do while you’re away, but we’ll also be eagerly waiting your return.”

  • Kim

    You aren’t disappointing me at all you are showing me that you are a rich and wonderful person who has much more than music to offer.

    I live in Boston and my good wishes will have an easy time finding you. I enjoy your music with my daughter and I am happy to share your story with her. I am again happy that as she loves your music she can also love someone who loves.

    Ps. I will be happy to make you soup any time you need it.

    Much love to you. Kim

  • fdhbstephanie

    I understand this completely – 2012 has been the year of shit. At the beginning of the year, my kid lost two friends to suicide and I lost a valued colleague. I truly regret that the last night of his life, when we were at a social event, I did not spend more time to sit down and chat with him about how things were going with him, his wife, and his kid. It was very sudden and totally unexpected. Those events really helped me to reexamine what I was doing with my life and change my life trajectory this year: I am being more thoughtful about what I do with my time, treasuring small moments, taking more risks, and making an effort to spend more time with people who mean a lot to me. And I’m making art again through dance, costuming, and picking up my old, abandoned instruments.

    Keeping you all in my thoughts…

  • Renee

    While you are taking care of Anthony, don’t forget to take care of yourself, too. The world needs you, Anthony needs you. You and Anthony are surrounded in love.

  • Rebekah Bishop

    I am your fan because you have always helped me see that being really beautiful is almost the opposite of what society calls perfect. Please, keep being your beautiful self, and honor the things that are really important in life!

  • The Hook

    Your friend may be suffering terribly, but his pain will be lessened immeasurably by your presence. There aren’t too many individuals that would cancel a tour and risk the wrath of publicists, managers, etc., but you aren’t just anyone are you?

    I’ve lost more than one loved one to this pointless disease. The pain grows with each passing.

    God bless, young lady. All the best to Anthony as well. Cancer rips through more than just the inflicted patient, doesn’t it? it tears a hole in the lives of everyone surrounding the patient/victim. But in this case, cancer is in for one hell of a fight…

  • Markus Müller,Berlin

    Du tust absolut das Richtige.Ich wünsche dir viel Kraft.Ich habe größtem Respekt vor dir und finde es großartig was du tust und wie du es tust.

  • Ada

    I admire you. The decision you made the right one, and remember you’re never alone with the decisions you make, you’ve got thousands of us that support you. And also one of the things i adore about you and your music is that you know how to express your feelings directly, it made me cry as i was listening to a sad song of yours and reading this at the same time. I support you. I love you. WE love you.

  • Elllybelle

    Well done, I don’t see how anyone could see this as anything other than the right decision and I don’t think I could ever respect or like anyone who would disagree. A few years ago when my Grandma got ill, I knew she was very old and weak and that she was not going to get better. There was a lot I wanted to say to her and I spent a lot of time planning a letter I wanted to write her. Sadly, I got around to putting the words to paper or telling her in any other way. After she died I spent a lot of time feeling very angry with myself for not making the effort and wondering if she knew how much I cared. Five years later I still feel regret at not being there and not telling her how wonderful and important she was in time.
    Last year my brother’s best friend committed suicide aged 17 after struggling with depression for years. Although my brother was obviously devastated, I doubt he will ever “get over it” and I know there will never be a time where he stops missing and thinking of him, I think it’s some small comfort to him knowing that he was always there for his friend when he was suffering and that he really could not have been a better friend.

  • http://twitter.com/likelyladyy Alice Bremner Watt

    Do it, completely the right decision. I think everyone here understands, or at least can sympathise or empathise with what you are going through and what you’ve chosen to do. I just hope you, and he, come out from this stronger. I’ve had your music to help me through the most difficult time of my life, and I’m sure thousands of people would say the same, do you what you need to do. All my love x

  • anon

    On the ward where I work there is a 30 year old man undergoing serious cancer treatment and he has no one to bring him clean clothes, books, or even visit. The world needs more people to abide with those who need them.

  • contactlost

    all the best to both of you, and to all that posted before me
    keep inspiring

  • http://www.facebook.com/ChristinaMarvel Christina Marvel

    This is so very touching and honest. I’m proud of you, Amanda. It’s takes real courage to do what you did here. I, for one, will continue to support you.

  • http://www.facebook.com/AmazeingAmanda Amanda Nicole Barnes

    Amanda, it is okay, We all understand, Family, friends, lovers, people that make your world bright, the ones that make you want to go out on stage, and smile and sing, because you have so many great people in your life, i think you are doing a wonderful thing by being by his side, he needs this support and you being there shows him, and everyone, all of us, something we have already known but is proven over and over again, you are the most caring, adoring person and, you have got me through so much just by being in my life, not physically but, emotionally. And i hope that he gets the treatment he needs, hang in there hun, sincerly-amanda barnes ///”helen deanna whisnant.

  • Heather Steingruebl

    Thank you for taking care of the important people and things in your life. It’s a bold public statement I respect. Profoundly.

  • seekthevisceral

    Dear Amanda,
    We love you. Always.

  • http://www.facebook.com/karen.williams.75685 Karen Williams

    Kage Baker died at 1:15 AM on January 31, 2010. She wanted all her
    readers to know: “I want you to tell all these people that I wanted more
    time to spend with them. Tell them I meant to, tell them I wanted to
    hear what they said and tell them what was on my mind.”

    I think this is very true. I want to spend more time with the people I know and love, and meet new ones. You’re doing the right thing. I’m sorry your best friend is sick.

  • http://twitter.com/tildataddeck Matilda Bredberg

    I love you, it’s ok, be strong.

  • benjamin

    Hi Amanda
    I’ve only just recently found your music, but I really love it. And I really want to see you play live. And I was really looking forward to it next year. But who gives a shit, because it’s only a gig and there’ll be others and you’ll come sometime and I’ll see you then and it will be great. And hopefully it’ll be after you help a dear, loved friend through a terrible time.
    Take care
    Benjamin
    xx

  • Janemurf

    Don’t give it a second thought! You know where you have to be, and we respect and support that choice. Concentrate on helping your friend now. xxxx

  • kimrueger

    Amanda, you are making the best choice.

    When my Mother was diagnosed with a benign brain tumor years ago, I made the worst choice. I went to be by her side for both her surgery and her months-long recovery, but I decided to continue working all the while. I was a freelancer – I could have chosen not to do the work. I could have told them to get someone else to do it, to not call me again until I was back in town. But my sense of responsibility, to my clients, to my work ethic, and probably my to my own self-importance, made me acquiesce. It was a poor decision. I was there, but I was distracted – always frustrated, always pulled in tiny, opposing directions. There was not enough of me for anyone. It made me lose patience with everyone right at the time when I needed to be patient the most, especially with my Mother.

    In a very, very selfish way I am lucky. She recovered, and I have the chance to make a better choice again, should I need to.

    A word of advice, that you probably don’t need: chronicle everything.

    I know you will because that is part of what you do naturally. It was a terrible time for us, but there were beautiful moments mixed in. The sterile mechanics of her room and the breath of the pneumatic compression machine were contrasted by the serene view of a snow covered park just outside the NeuroICU window at Mass General. We shared it together. We took tons of photos. The Salt & Pepper
    bridge spanned in quiet over the Charles, and the Citgo sign peeked over the edge at a distance upriver. Every day it changed a little, as did she. We both loved looking at those landscapes. They share an album along with closeups of her half-shaven head and healing scars. She wrote poetry when she had trouble coping with her immediate experience. I know it’s likely that you and Anthony and perhaps Neil will be doing the same, which is as it should be.

    I watched the video you posted of Anthony reading his chapter about his Swamp next door, and you’re right: you can’t watch it and not cry. He chronicled everything, and kept it with him. I hope you and Anthony, and your loved ones, come through this terrible time stronger. I hope you have the chance to make the best decisions again, should you need to.

  • Joann K

    Oh dear …. I hope his treatments go well, and produce the desired results!!*hugshugshugs to all concerned*

  • Worley Gordon

    Thoughts of love from Indiana. I just had a really close friend succomd to cancer, she was 43. I only wish I had spent more time by her side.cancer sucks, and time is all we have.We love you.

  • al_pal

    Much love and peaceful, healing vibes to you all, and especially to Anthony. Indeed, these decisions define us. See you down the road.

  • http://www.facebook.com/christopher.coolidge1 Christopher Coolidge

    Greetings from Vermont, Amanda. I’m a cancer survivor myself, my wife Sue as my caretaker would understand what you’re going through. Burlington, VT and Boston are two of the best cities for cancer care, Anthony will be in good hands, like I was at Fletcher Allen Health Care. Any real fan of yours will understand your need to be there for your loved one. In the meantime, you’re welcome in Burlington anytime, Higher Ground’s a great venue, and there’s some great restaurants nearby. Hint hint….

  • Gary

    Amanda- You’ve been a massive inspiration in my life. I saw you and the GTO in San Francisco a couple months back and it was one of the BEST shows I’ve ever been to. You’re one of the -rare- artists who’s work gets -better- with each album. You’ve given a ton to us- now go do what you’ve got to do. We’re all behind you and we be here when you’re able to return. Much love to you and Anthony!

  • Gabrielle D

    I think what you’re doing is brave and totally the right thing to do. Last year I walked away from work to go and spend time with my sister in law in the hospice, and if I hadn’t done that I’d never have forgiven myself.
    Also, If you don’t already have it, get Electroshock Blues by the Eels. A truely phenomenal album written I think around the time of losing someone very close to you to cancer (not that you’re necessaraly loosing someone – but the album really helped me and is still one of the most beautiful albums I own).
    New Zealand will still be here, still waiting.
    Aroha nui (lots of love)

  • http://www.facebook.com/betsybrb Betsy-Alánna Bissell

    I tried to respond to your message you send me on twitter but eh, it didn’t work. Obviously I wrote way too much AND it wouldn’t even let me. SoOo here is what I wanted to say.. (Apologies in advance for the length ;)

    Thank you so much for inviting my friends and I to the book launch. It was such a special experience. My friend Kara came up from Philly just for the concert and fortunately she was the only one who was allowed into the show, but for her to get to meet you, Neil and Anthony?! Amazing. That was my birthday present to her (tickets to the concert) so everything turned out great for her visit. And for my friend Mohammed – this was the best way ever to introduce him to you and your music! He and I are trying to save up money (so we can actually see you play a full show!) in time to get tickets for the New Year’s Eve show you’re throwing in NYC :) it’s important because it will be happening on my 27th bday (dec 31) and I haven’t had a good birthday since I was 17 do to my heroin addiction (I was in rehab for 2 bdays, and the rest were sad and/or so unmemorable). I know it this is such an emo thing to say but I truly did not think I would make it to 27; neither did my friends and family :( so I want to celebrate life this year without needles or tears! Another reason is that as of jan 1st my friend Mohammed – his student visa will be up and (it’s been up before twice and his professors have helped him delay immigration) he is before force to go back to Saudi Arabia. He has been in the US for 7 years while attending college and grad school and he really does not want to leave the states. His friends here have become his family. So getting to have an awesome new year eve is important to both of us because you never know where life will take you next.. It’s so important to seize the day and love your family and friends to the fullest. Having had the chance to meet you and Anthony and learn of your bond with him, I know you understand more than most how important quality time and good memories are to leading a fulfilling life. So I commend you for canceling your tour. Now is the time to take a break and spend as much time as you can with the people who matter most to you. My mother died when I was 18 and I would give up anything to spend one more day – one more hour – with her. It is so painful I have to recordings of her voice. Nowadays I record everything. My father telling family stories, my little nephews laughing, my friends having passionate conversations and now even my own music:) oi vey I’ve gone on such a long rant, sorry lol. I will finish by again saying thank you for inviting me and my friends to the book signing after I had been denied entrance to your show at the paradise. And sorry for all my annoying tweets after, trying to get your attention. I was just sad, angry and drunk – def not a classy combination. And I hope to make it to NYC to spend my 27 birthday with you, my friend Mohammed and the crowd at your New Year’s Eve show. Because who knows if ill get the chance to ever see you again? Life is way too short and crazy to stay home alone. I am done with isolation, addiction, and misery. It’s time for us all to live it up in safe and healthy ways with people we love. Thanks for your time and for creating. Please keep creating, even if only your closest friends get to see and hear it. –betsy

    • http://www.facebook.com/betsybrb Betsy-Alánna Bissell

      By the way the music I have been recording can be found here:
      http://www.purevolume.com/quarantinedpast
      Please don’t think I am trying to promote anything, ok? Just wanted to share with another artist lol

  • MeAndMyCharms

    I just wanted to say a couple of things. Firstly, tours can always be rescheduled, you’ve made the right choice. I completely and utterly support this decision.
    Secondly, this is how I chose to read about the cancellations. I like it better this way.. http://www.gizoogle.net/index.php?search=amanda+palmer+cancelled&se=Gizoogle+Dis+Shiznit

  • damaia

    Tour dates can be made up later. Love will always be more important. When I was younger, someone I was very close to was sick for a long time and finally died, and I wasn’t there for most of it. It’s been over ten years, and I’m here to tell you that that kind of regret never really fades. So stay with him. I wish I had.

  • http://www.facebook.com/corrie.hiattwagner Corrie Hiatt-Wagner

    Thank you, Amanda, for posting the video of your friend. I’m still crying but I’m glad to have experienced it.

  • Nick

    You are doing the human thing, which is the right thing to do. All the best to you Anthony and those close to you both.

  • Lauren Calvert

    Amanda, you are making the right choice! You aren’t letting us down, it’s not as if you cancelled altogether. I hope your friend Anthony is going to be alright. You just be there for him, because that is all that matters and it’s important. Way more important that pleasing your fans right now. A true fan would respect the fact that you want to be there for Anothony. I adore you Amanda, you are amazing! I wish you luck Anthony! Lots of love from NSW Australia <3

  • AnnaBanana

    It’s the right thing to do. We love you and we wish all the best for you and sometimes life sucks, you know it, we know it and there are no words in the world to make everything alright. Stay strong we are always there with you. lots of love.. x x x

  • http://twitter.com/cherryfizzwhizz Sar-aaaghh H

    So much the right thing. The only thing.
    I ordered tickets for roundhouse just before the koko show, but knowing what’s happening in yours and Anthony’s lives as I do now, I would have felt completley uncomfortable if this outcome had been any different.
    You have my full support, and understanding no matter how limited, and it’s beautiful to know that everyone else, atleast fanwise, feels the same.
    No-one ever regrets spending *more* time with loved ones.
    I read this post and the other two new entries you posted up over the week, but wanted to wait for a whole free-ish weekend to actually sit down, read through them again and comment back.
    I always enjoyed reading through your longgg and not so long blogs, and whether you’re writing them again for a sort of therapy, for us, for you, it all matters. I hope it helps.
    I don’t have a cancer related story to share, which I count my blessings for, but a few years ago my grandad suffered from alzheimer’s badly. He and my nan had to move out of their house and come live with us so that we could continue to look after him. When my brother and I were little my grandad used to be something of an inventor, he used to build us lots
    of amazing things like mini-cars and working mini-bulldozers and even a treehouse, so it was hard when he stopped being the lively creative person he once was. Near the end he forgot who we were, couldn’t eat, drink or speak anymore and generally had to have 24/7 care. but I will never regret being able to spend that last year or so in his company. He died on his and my nan’s 50 wedding anniversary. They give me hope for marriage.
    Sometimes the only thing we can do is be there but that is the biggest thing.
    I wish Anthony all the strengh in the world to beat cancer’s ass and I wish you all the strength in being there to help him. And Neil to be there for you and so on and so on.

    I also wish everyone who’ve posted here or on twitter sharing their stories the same thing, infinite digital-love-chain, fuck yeah. xx

    p.s. no judgement about the Titanic dvd, mine is Moulin rouge!

  • http://twitter.com/grinninfoole grinninfoole

    “because that’s not who you’d want me to be.” Well, I just met you last night, but you’re absolutely right. And I’m so glad that you are who you are. LLAP to you and your dear friend.

  • Bruceski89

    I Love you Amanda, you’re doing the right thing. Peace and Endless Love. xo

    • Bruceski89

      That was such a powerful story. Thank you so much for sharing. And thank you Anthony <3

  • http://www.facebook.com/MissMandala Mandi Blahey

    For your truth and beauty of reality, forgiveness will always be yours, as will that never-ending sense of searching for what matters. You can’t know what you mean to the world Amanda, not really I don’t think. My tears, my heart, and my strength will be with you, through his battles, and through yours. <3

  • http://www.facebook.com/peter.hackner Peter Hackner

    Good luck to you and to your friend Anthony. You’re doing right, Amanda. Peter (Munich, Germany)

  • eroica

    love. xx

  • Hadux

    This blog entry… is the entire reason I completely love and admire Amanda Palmer. I wish your friend, Anthony, a great recovery.

  • watchmeboogie

    It’s been a couple days, just wondering how you’re doing. It’s been amazing to see the outpouring of love here and on Twitter and FB. Must be kind of overwhelming! Hope you’re hanging in there and feeling buoyed by fan love and RL love.

  • Sarah

    My grandfather died of leukemia. I wanted a week off of work during one of our most busy periods and my boss said I could “Maybe have three days, but it really isn’t convenient ” I told her I told her I didn’t think my grandfather was finding it especially convenient either and that I was taking a week and she could suck it up. You have made the right call.

  • Sammy

    Keep strong for him and we will keep strong for you xxoox

  • matthew james

    i am so very glad you are spending time with him…it is horrible being so far away from someone you love who is sick. i lost my dad that way and the worst thing was not being able to say goodbye. i love you, you are a constant source of inspiration and bring a tun of joy to all our lives. i speak for everyone when i say your fans support you and love you no matter what you might do in the upcoming months..

  • http://twitter.com/lauraannham Laura

    No one doubts you’re making the right decision. I feel emotionally invested now – which is silly, but very, very human. I really hope he recovers and I’m glad he has you to look after him.

  • Lesha

    Amanda,

    my respect for you has just shot up about 100 notches. You have made the best decision, given what Anthony’s facing. As a cancer survivor myself, I can only say thank you for putting your friend first. I wouldn’t have survived without my family and friends who were there and cared so much for me. Whatever fallout happens, you’re doing the right thing. Don’t ever doubt it.

    I want to personally thank you as well for the medicine of laughter you and Jason Webley brought to the Evelyn Evelyn show in Vancouver in 2010. I was there, right in the middle of my own cancer treatment, thrilled that I felt well enough to be at that concert. I have never in my life laughed so hard or so long. Such a gift, epsecially at that time in my life.

    You being you is why I love and respect you. Be at peace, even as you face this uncertain storm. Anthony’s blessed to have a friend like you.

  • Heidi

    I have been alone for health issues many times, during treatments for chronic illness and emergencies. There is nothing I have wanted more during those times than someone to hold my hand. Doctors and nurses can handle the medical shit, and I can be very very strong. But only a loved one can remind me that I’m not alone.

    What you are doing, regardless of the outcome, is one of the most important things you can do for someone you love. Being that person who is willing to be there whether they are doing something useful or just sitting in the corner reading a book is vital. It reminds those of us who are going through hard times that we matter and that our stories are worth witnessing. It’s a comfort to know that someone will be there to be proud for us when we handle our hardships with strength and grace, or be there to cover for us when we need to be weak. Perhaps most importantly, it’s really important to have that person who will let you know when your ass is hanging out of one of those flimsy hospital robes.

    Bless you for being that person for Anthony, truly.

  • Natalie

    Go, Amanda.

  • http://artists-edge.com CoachDebra

    In 2010, I moved across country back in with my parents. My father has Alzheimer’s and Parkinson’s. I can run my business from anywhere, so I moved here. And the one thing I will tell you, from one caregiver to another – make sure you take care of yourself while taking care of him. Make sure you get enough sleep, the right food and exercise. Because you can’t help him if you’re not in good shape. It’s a marathon, not a sprint.

    I talk about you when I teach musicians about Social Media. You are my poster child for how to truly deeply connect with your audience. I’m very proud of you. Of course, that might not mean anything – after all, you don’t know me. But there it is.

  • TataTris

    You soothe my soul. How grateful i am for the choice you have made.

  • http://www.facebook.com/lasara.firefox.allen.mpnlp Lasára Allen

    Amanda, you’re being the person who makes me cry every time I read her blog. Of course you’re making the right choice. The strong choice. The vulnerable choice. The only choice possible.

    Strength and love to you and yours.

  • http://twitter.com/OfficialMrCold Kyle Stewart

    In all the time I could have been mad at the fact, I wouldn’t be able to respect you as a human being if you chose to go on the tour instead being at the aid of your friend.

    In all the time I’ve been a fan of yours, then only thing that kept me coming back for each new song, each new record was the fact I felt that you were human. More human than myself. I fell in love with the idea of it all. I fell in love with the idea of you.

    I’m filled with joy by this decision, even though I’m really really pissed about not being able to see you. I’ll get over it. You are all I have ever expected you to be, you are my hero. You’ve always been my hero.

    Keep up being such a badass, with much love.
    Sincerely Written from a sinner,
    Kyle Cold aka Kyle Stewart

  • http://twitter.com/lyingrain nobody’s listening

    Didn’t even know there were a tour scheduled in Europe last year, but no matter. You did the good choice, the best choice. I don’t even think it was a choice, it was the only thing to do. And if there’s still some postcard in your warehouse, keep one for you and Anthony and put all your love in it. You’ll need it !
    Come back see us when it’s time and you’re at your best, you’re right, there is others priorities than succes, and you’re right again, ’cause, i think this is really the person I want/wish you to be : someone who care. You’re bringing so much light in my life when everything’s black, I hope you’ll be able to bring even more to Anthony who truly need it.
    Kisses from France

  • victoria

    Love and support. Take courage. I can’t fully explain in words what your art and life have meant to me. I’m sure the world will understand. I do.

  • Adelle

    Amanda – be there. Because I really regret not being there enough. All your fans are not only fans of your music but of you as the amazing person you are! And that person needs to be with her friend. We can wait forever. X

  • barb

    what a wonderful and brave person you are! thats why we love you! i also helped a friend out with cancer and it was such a pleasure to help her through that yuckky time ( she ok now) but pls make time for yourself during all this. it does take it out of you to be ” up” positive for your friend. i have no doubt that with you as his treatment partner he will make a succesful recovery. all the best barb from hobart xx

  • Core

    Hi Amanda and Anthony,

    Take from this what you will, it is offered with kind intent.

    Cancer is no more or less than the loss of self regulatory capacity of the body – it is not something that you catch etc…

    The human body is not a degenerating entity at the mercy of time, but is in fact dynamicand self-­healing given the correct care and support.

    The body seeks to maintain a biochemical balance (homeostasis) as a default setting its every
    movement being towards health and harmony – and happily does so, as long as its efforts are not being blocked in some way; it retains the capacity to absorb nutrients via a functional
    gastrointestinal system; and the appropriate nutrients are being provided in the diet.

    Disease can only manifest when the appropriate conditions are present for it to do so and the bodies’ resources are overwhelmed. For example, when the perfect storm of genetic inheritance, a toxic
    environmental burden plus poor dietary and lifestyle habits combine to block normal biochemical function, we have the conditions appropriate for some level of dis-ease.

    Healing starts immediately the foundations of good health are acknowledged. Specifically, once hydration and circulation are restored, pH and other biochemistry is normalised, organ function is supported, digestion and elimination processes are optimised, and the drivers of disease are identified and removed.

    Please be clear in your understanding:

    Disease is not an error of nature as some assume.

    Illness is a reflection of a person’s past decisions and actions (and/or genetic inheritance) and Anthony’s future health status is completely in his hands – not the medical establishment and his oncologist.

    It takes a ‘great deal of effort’ over many years to cultivate chronic disease and correspondingly it takes time to ‘turn the ship around’ and get back on course. Just as you don’t find straight roads
    leading out of wilderness areas, a person’s healing journey may take them on many twists and turns, highs and lows before reaching civilisation again – and some expeditions can be expensive.

    No drug, surgery, herb, nutrient or manual therapy actually heals; their value is in reducing pain and distress, returning an acceptable function and at best enabling spontaneous repair to occur when it had previously been
    prevented.
    .
    If Anthony’s desire is physical health, he need’s do what physically healthy people do – THERE IS NO ESCAPING THIS FACT!

    Illness is a way of nature telling you to look at your current life circumstance and see what has become stagnant or stuck. A time to take stock and identify issues and coping mechanisms that might have been appropriate in another phase of your life but which are now no longer useful or even
    detrimental to your health.

    Anthony remember you decide if the therapy/recommendations your practitioners are suggesting are
    in your current best interest, not the practitioners. Your practitioners are there to help and guide, however it’s your body and you have the final say and responsibility.

    At your service,

    Darren.

  • Ampersand

    I was angry in the beginning with the cancelation. I wasn’t able to attend the other three gigs that you lately did in London because of sold outs and me being away. And this time I was so happy that I could make it and in my town, Bristol. But then I saw the reason you were canceling, and I read this blog… and I perfectly understood. I understand better than I would like, because I’ve been in the same situation (not a friend, but my mum) and because of fucking working abroad I didn’t spend the difficult moments by her side, although I know as a matter of fact that she wouldn’t have probably let me be there because she says is too depressive and nobody deserves it.

    However, now she’s healthy again, so I don’t have to regret the most stupid decission in my life, which was to keep working and phoning her instead of just taking a month off to be by her side. Even writing this my eyes water a bit.

    So in short, I just want to send all my support for Anthony and to those who decide to stay by his side, because that’s also really hard.

    Much love and looking forward to see you and your band some time in the future.

  • Jaime Birren

    Love. I wish health and strength to you and your friend both.

  • http://www.facebook.com/scheherazodd ScheherazOdd Winterborn

    (HUGS) Seriously, just (HUGS).

  • http://www.facebook.com/rebekah.johnson.374 Rebekah Johnson

    After reading this, I love you more. I don’t feel so bad for thinking you are as great as I’m realizing you are. I think the decision you made is an honest one, one of a women with integrity. I hope wherever this journey takes you, you stand strong. Know you have thousands of fans and supporters behind you.

  • Mike Davie

    You’ve absolutely got to do this. It’s the right thing to do for a friend. My mother died of MS when I was 22. It was a long downhill battle. At the end, I was serving in the navy and on deployment. I got the call that she had been given a week to live. By the time I got back to port and back home it was to late. I arrived home at 6pm, she left us at 10am. I’ve carried that with me throughout my life and would do anything to make up those 8 hours. This is the right thing to do and people will understand. Much love.

  • emilia

    sorry for any language mistakes.

    i really understand you.

    my grandfather died three months ago, he had skin cancer. he never told us about the pain he felt, but i knew he was in pain, he had a hole in his back. literally, a hole. i could saw his bone when i was changing bandages. and the day he died, we spent about 8 hours in the hospital. i walked out to breath some fresh air. and then it happened. when i came back my father was sobbing and he whispered “it’s over”. i can’t forgive myself that i walked out. grandfather loved me very much and i know that i couldn’t predict what will happen, but i still feel bad. i can write about my feelings for him, but it’s still too painful to me, and i don’t want to cry anymore. he never wanted to make anyone cry.

    i really love you amanda, you gave me hope and strength to create. you gave me the courage to sing out loud without shame. right now i understand what you are going through. seeing you live is one of my biggest concert dreams, but i can wait. you are doing what you must do. i’m not even dissappointed. i hope everything will be alright.

    i don’t mind if you won’t read this post, i wanted to write sooner, but i just couldn’t.

    much love for you and anthony.

  • http://www.facebook.com/kelli.shumski Kelli Shumski

    Dear Amanda,

    I admire you so much for doing this. I just lost my grandmother last
    night. I can’t tell you how f*cking hard it is to see someone already
    gone, hooked up to tubes, eyes wide – and they are gone. You can see it.
    I wanted them to stop, it was horrific to watch. I saw her go into the
    ER and though it had become routine for her being a diabetic and so old
    and unhealthy, to go to the hospital – I knew this was different. I saw
    her go in, and she cried and cried. She was scared to sleep. My eyes are
    tearing now. The whole process of death is terrible, and I mean more so
    in how everyone cashes in on it. I am so angry. Not to go into too much
    detail, I’m sure you understand my feelings, it seems so unnatural. I
    kissed her goodbye at the beginning of the week, and she went to sleep
    suddenly and never woke up. She suffered 3 heart attacks in an hour
    before they stopped reviving her. I can say, I have never seen anything
    so horrible in my life in person and up close. I nearly died myself
    once, and it was so much more worse to see someone, even if you were
    prepared for them to leave, to go through so much suffering.

    At first, my aunt tried to stop me from witnessing what would be etched in
    my head forever. But I felt not just closure in seeing her, but the
    obligation to be by her side no matter what she looked like. I owed her
    that and she would do the same for me. Knowing for sure, seeing that
    light gone, that person in the bed no longer who I knew, it was how I
    knew she was gone before even a doctor said so. I saw it in my
    grandfather last year, and I saw it yesterday. In the end, all of us
    gathered at her bedside as her heart stopped and the last electrodes of
    it throbbed the machine. We all put our hands nearly simultaneously on a
    part of her. It was epic and beautiful, even in a time of so much
    despair. Death brings us together and we have to cherish even that.

    I think you are doing the right thing. Do not wish you had another
    moment, make it happen. Family is all you have in life really and the
    family you make your family. Always count them first. You are a
    beautiful woman for so many reasons – this is one of them.

    I could keep going on, but I know you have so much already to read and
    do. Thank you for a wonderful show in Boston – it was my first time and I
    was not disappointed. I was happy to introduce a new person to your
    music too. You were sick and you still sounded great. I’m happy you are
    going to be in Boston though. I hope you will get to do something around
    town while there.

    Keep your hopes up. You’re a good friend.

    Xoxoxo,
    Kelli

  • Nele

    thank you for that honest letter! My boyfriend and I got two tickets for the concert in London and were thrilled to bits about that. But we totally back you in your decision, it was the only right one. This sentence of you “I feel like i’m being the person you’d want me to be.” hits exactly what we’re thinking. All the best wishes for you and Anthony from Germany!!

  • Alexandra Scott

    Dear Amanda,

    Three weeks ago today my best friend died in my arms.

    He had cancer. He was only 11. His name was Jack and he was a black Labrador, maybe a mix, maybe a purebred, who I rescued from the New Orleans SPCA when he was 7 months old. And then he spent the rest of his life rescuing me: from divorce, from the trauma of Hurricane Katrina & all our wanderings after, from years & years of medical problems where for long amounts of time, there was nobody but him around. He came to more band practices than some of my band members. He lived in joy. He was funny and wonderful and beautiful and I love him so much.

    I wanted to write you earlier to tell you how proud I am of you for cancelling your tour, but it was just too hard.

    You & I actually met, at your Tipitina’s show on September 18th. You invited me & my friends to sing our a capella ‘Map of Tasmania’ at your show, you sang with us, you hung with us, you wrote a Tumblr about it; it was awesome to the power of awesome multiplied by awesome (my goodness, you are delightful); and when I look at the pictures from that night & see the smile on my face, I remember how happy I was…and I remember that it was 18 days before I found out he was sick & every single priority I had changed, in a second.

    Fiona’s letter was one of the things that got me through the last week of his life. It helped me to know that someone else, someone I respected & admired, was willing to choose her friend over her career. (Granted, my career is a lot smaller than hers or yours…but these choices are not easy.)

    I am so grateful for every single morning, afternoon & night that I managed to stay home with him & sit still with his head in my lap, just stroking his ears & singing to him & reading him James Herriott stories & telling him how much I loved him. There was nowhere else I wanted to be. I just wanted to watch him sleep. I just wanted to breathe in his smell. I just wanted to be there with him, while I could. I felt so strongly that his life was getting cut off far too early, far too short, and I kept remembering a line from one of the Sandmen stories, where Death comes to collect a little baby, and the baby asks, “Is that all I get?” and she replies, “You get exactly what everyone gets: a lifetime.” I haven’t taken ‘Theatre is Evil’ out of my cd player since you gave it to me in September. You were there with us.

    You’re doing the right thing. You’re doing the brave thing. More than that: you’re freeing other people to do the same thing for the ones they love, when the time comes.

    Just please take care of yourself while you care for Anthony. I was alone taking care of Jack and I wore myself out and got really sick, and in the end, I think he chose to go because he knew I couldn’t physically bear much more. (I didn’t agree; if I could’ve had another week of his life by cutting off a toe & shaving my head, I’d be nine-toed and bald right now, but as usual, my dog was wiser than I am.) Please – and I am sure Neil will help you with this – make sure you get some yoga, some good food, some nights out, some sleep, lots of hugs.

    As my time with Jack came to an end – and in the days since – I’ve repeated like a mantra, to hold myself together, “No one’s ever lost forever, when they die they go away but they will visit you occasionally, do not be afraid, no one’s ever lost forever, they are caught inside your heart, if you garden them and water them they make you what you are.”

    As usual you are doing the brave and beautiful and right thing, and as usual, you have my support and love behind you. I am so sorry. I wish I could give you my support by buying more tickets to more shows and just cheering for you. But I am cheering for you, because this IS rock-star-dom, of the heart.

    all my love, from me, and from my beautiful Jack, who – I believe you – is not lost forever,

    Alexandra

  • Ruby

    My best wishes, and love to both you and Tony. You said it best yourself we want, know and need you to be the person who care for someone they love when they are sick. I will pray for you both and see you again! And try not to beat yourself about making this choice it’s not even a choice at all, we will still be here but being there when he is sick in a once in a life time thing and no one who loves you would want you to miss out on something like that for them.

  • Mishkin

    sending love and support from the UK Amanda. So sorry for the news x x

  • awesometriciaa

    Cancer (Leukemia) robbed my nineteen year old cousin of his life three months ago. Cancer is relentless. It broke my heart to see someone I love go, just like that, at such a young age especially. We were all broken and torn (and we still are). I’ve always been well attached to my cousins – after all, we grew up together as menacing kids to the young respected adults we are today.

    My only regret was not spending enough time with him for the past year while he was suffering from the chemo therapy he was undergoing. I regretted that I was so caught up with life and University, it makes me sick knowing that while I was busy attending to my piles of assignments, my cousin was there on the hospital bed, fighting for his life. I could have taken the semester off but I didn’t. It had never crossed my mind that I would be losing my cousin. Perhaps I refused to acknowledge the possibility of it.

    His last week with us was the most excruciating and most heartbreaking experience I’ve ever had to go through. We knew the end was near and I made it necessary for me to visit him every night at his place despite his refusal to see any of us — he was ashamed of how he looked. We understood and respected his decision. He would greet us and then proceed to lock himself in his room. I wish I would have fought hard enough to reason his decision.

    On his last night with us, I broke down, not being able to contain my emotions and tears any longer. The sight of him triggered it. He was partially blind, his face swelled, tainted with black and blue bruises, he was paralyzed as he laid on his parents’ bed, gasping for air. The thought of it sickens me. I was never the same after that unfortunate night…

    As I’m typing this out, tears proceed to stream endlessly. He was a remarkable human being, he was always so mischievous as a kid and had grown to a fine young lad — he was my friend, my cousin. He will forever be buried in our hearts and he will always be missed. xx

    The point: Do what you must, Amanda. Time is a selfish mistress and it waits for no man. You need not apologize — after all, you’re only human as are we. Our loved ones overrule everything else, for without them, we wouldn’t have gotten this far. We wouldn’t have grown into the people we are today. They made us, as much as we made them.

    Stay strong and my best wishes to Anthony. He is a remarkable man. “Swamp” made me cry.

    Love from Malaysia,
    xx Tricia

  • Vince

    You’re being a great friend, so who could fault you for that? My best to you and your family as well as to Antony and his family.

  • Vince

    You’re being a great friend, so who could fault you for that? My best to you and your family as well as to Antony and his family.

  • http://www.facebook.com/redrosesdead Heather New

    Love you, AFP… you are a true and beautiful soul. This decision shows us the beautiful human you are and how could anyone be disappointed in you for being so loving? My heart goes out to your best friend… cancer is such an ugly, evil thing. I would wish it out of existence if I could (along with some other ugly aspects of life). I lost my step-father to colon cancer, he was a good man to us (RIP Tom).

    We love your decision, AFP.

  • andrew

    the chick abides

  • Meg

    Amanda, you are amazing. You are doing the right thing and I love you for that in a weirdly personal way.

  • Ash McSidhe

    Ms. Palmer, some people have good friends who *say* they are willing to do whatever they can to help.
    And some people have friends who are willing to actually do that. You have a very fortunate friend.

  • Corbacho.

    I have no idea who you are or what kind of music you do, I am reading this off a friends post of facebook, I send you much love and light and admire your honesty. You are a human being first thing in the morning and last thing at night, and this is what we humans do. All the best for your journey.

  • Nat

    Take care of your friend. I saw you 3 or 4 years ago in Toulouse (France). Was great. My desire will increase with the time. Si when i will sea you again on stage, it will be an explosion of joy :-)

  • http://www.facebook.com/jessica.taylor.12720 Jessica Taylor

    you don’t need to ask for forgiveness, we all understand, and you’re right: you wouldn’t be the amanda palmer we adore if you abandoned your friend in this time. there are many people here who understand the need, me included, and many more who i’m sure will in the future (unfortunately). give him strength, you have it in force! and send our love from you to him, anyone who you love, we love.

  • Alex

    We’ll still be here when you make it back to playing gigs. Just keeping writing creating and loving. Those lifelong connections one makes on life’s journey are precious. May your friend make it through this.

  • http://twitter.com/nmachin Nikki Machin

    It’s funny how life trends sync up. I’m a singer/songwriter as well and this past year has been huge for me. I recorded a solo album, started picking up momentum with my band and then all of a sudden, on Boxing Day, I had to have 2 emergency surgeries to keep me alive. My recovery has forced me to stop everything. Stop working, stop playing and rely on those around me. It really taught me just how many lives I’ve touched, and how important our relationships are. Then I read Fiona’s letter (as I am, and have been a huge fan for about a decade), and now I’ve read yours (again, I’ve really admired you so much for many years) and it’s letting me see that it’s ok, and in fact good, to pause when life tells you to and to do what you need to do in your heart.

    Much love.

  • disqus_NQvnp0an6J

    stay with your friend … we will be here.

  • http://miscellaneaarts.com/ Angelique

    You know, I’m not, in any respect, a fucking rock star and, while I could tell you all the ways my husband is awesome, he’s still not Neil fucking Gaiman…but I’ve been down this path & I’ve made these choices. As you do. At the very very very moment an awesome major museum was finally othankyougoddess about to offer me a FT gig, my mum got a lung cancer dx. She lived over 900 miles away. I walked away from the museum, my husband walked away from his fulfilling nonprofit job and we moved ourselves (plus 2 alley cats) to Florida to take care of my mother and my then-barely-10yo brother. Things have been a bit of a rollercoaster since then–my mum died, I’ve not found the best outlets for my creative expression OR for making money, depression, my brother is now 17 & looking at OMGcolleges, etc.–but I have NEVER EVER EVER regretted my choice to be there for my mum. What I may have given up is unidentifiable crumbs in comparison to holding her hand, looking into her eyes and knowing when it was the last time she was to call me her “baby girl.” Whatever else might have been, those moments were and are irreplaceable.

    I came to your web site today to suss out your upcoming tour dates to see if there was an opportunity to treat my best friend (who lives 700 miles away) to a show (she supported your Kickstarter and I know seeing you live with me would be her idea of a good time). I got this message instead and felt compelled to be among the hopefully countless voices telling you that doing right by your friend Anthony is doing right by you and doing right by anyone who likes or respects you.

    Best wishes to you both. <3

  • Elena

    You are an amazing person. You inspire me to try to be better myself. You are indeed being the person we want you to be, I hope for the best for your friend.

  • Jean

    My dearest Dr. Lee, Even if you probably don’t remember me, I would like to thank you again! I ordered a Love Spell from your temple one week ago. My wife Kathy was about to ask for a divorce, I was desperate. I choosed your spell and she came back within 3 days (I still can’t believe it!), Thanks to you Dr. Lee of the Ancientfathersandmothers@gmail.com Love you forever!

  • http://truefallacy.co/ True Fallacy

    AFP’s blogs are always so loving and endearing. SOO glad I finally picked up the vinyl. What an incredible person. She just basically poured her heart out to the very same people that supported the Kickstarter and had to break it to them that their dream show with AFP would likely not happen as planned, maybe not at all…

  • http://truefallacy.co/ True Fallacy

    You are awesome dear. And much love and good vibes. You seem stronger now, more self-actualized. I’m happy about that.

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    GOD, AMANDA, YOU ARE SUCH A LIAR!!!!

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    GOD, AMANDA, YOU ARE SUCH A LIAR!!!!

  • decline

    GOD, AMANDA, YOU ARE SUCH A LIAR!!!!

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