2012.10.27 blog

becca darling has left us. (a remembrance.)

right before i hit stage in london the other night i was told to go to the bus, that i had to call kate, that there was bad news.

i thought i knew what it was, i have a friend, anthony, who’s been really sick and is battling leukemia. i braced myself.
it wasn’t him at all.
it was becca. my friend becca rosenthal. becca darling. back in boston.
she’d died suddenly in her room. nobody knows yet what happened. her dad found her.

she was 27.

i couldn’t believe it and for a few seconds i just choked on the phone. i asked jaron to go into the venue and find neil.
i needed someone to grab onto. i was so grateful to have him there.
neil knew becca, he’d met her the very first night he really got to know me in boston. becca was drunk that night, along with most of the members of my house.
she was sitting on the front steps telling me and neil how she had a secret plan to go back to her high school, in disguise, as a student. she could pass, right? she’d go back, re-live it….she’d fix everything, and she’d heal all the poor suffering old versions of herself. i’ve had similar fantasies.

i loved becca.

neil came to the bus. we held each other. about an hour or so later i had to get on stage in from of 1500 people. i called for a glass of red wine. becca. dead. this doesn’t happen.
we sat in strange disbelief as the preparations for the giant show flurried around us, special guests, musical saws, books to be signed, music, life, lights…death…

i’m still processing it. becca was such a huge constant in the changing landscape of my life, she was in that other part, the part that doesn’t change. she was always…there. she sent me music almost every month – things she was convinced i would like, things i should know. she turned me onto regina spektor back in 2004, st vincent many years ago, bat for lashes, anna calvi, always girls…the day before she died i’d sent her a photo of a cabinet in our london rehearsal space that had anna calvi’s name on it to make her freak out.

i thought it was weird when she didn’t write back right away.

becca ALWAYS wrote back right away. she was an addict of communication, like i was, a music fiend, an internet dweller but most comfortable inside books, inside deep twisted philosophies.
she went to smith college with all the other smart chicks, and that was where i met her.

she was probably 18, i was 27. she was at the early dresden dolls shows and she was one of our first real fans. as sometimes happens, but not often, she bridged that chasm between fan and friend and actually became a part of my life, a real part, a real friend, over the years. a few years ago, i nicknamed her. she asked me to. she wanted a new name, something more rockstar. i thought becca darling was perfect. like…candy darling. we both loved nico. lou. the velvets. antony. becca, daHLing. the way an old british drag queen would say it. she pondered it for a while and then deemed it a suitable nickname. i felt honored.

this is becca.

(from http://sandylakdar.tumblr.com/)

i was just looking through the thousands of emails we’ve sent back and forth, and one of the very first ones i have from her is hilarious.
it was march 6, 2004 and she and a friend of hers from smith had assaulted me at the iron horse in northampton with live a cappella version of “girl anachronism” that they had re-written to be about an astronaut. it was so fucking funny that i gave her my email address and told her to email me the lyrics because i wanted to read them. i had forgotten about that. here are some highlights….

(from the middle of the song:)

and you can tell
from the state of my moon
that they let me go too soon
and the freeze-dried food i ate
came a few light-years too late
and i’ve got some planets to go to
there i go again
pretending to be nasa
make-believing
that there are craters on the surface
trying to convince you
it was atmospherically on purpose

(and the last chorus:)

i don’t necessarily believe that i have helmet hair
so i might join your galaxy but only at a supercuts
i was in the twilight zone removed as a caesarian
behold the void’s worst accident
I AM THE GIRL ANASTRONAUTISM

…..anyway, you get the gist (but HERE are the complete lyrics). the girl was a freak with a brain and i fell in love with her. soon she moved back to boston after graduating and she helped out the band as an intern, filing our recordings, helping me with email and press clippings and helping me sort and get organized between tours. her handwriting is all over my apartment. it’s going to be hard to go home. i also have her soul on my bookshelf, right in the middle of my kitchen. it was from those early days when we used to go touring to western massachusetts once a year or more.

becca and her friend meg from smith showed up at the gig bearing gifts for me. they were weird, decoupage boxes, covered with strange images, all hand-glued. one was in the shape of a heart, one was in the shape of a star.

“what are these?” i asked them.

“our souls.” they said. “we want you to have them.”

“that’s a huge responsibility” i said.

they nodded dead-seriously. “we know.”

so me and brian did the dresden dolls gig, drove home, and i put their two souls, side by side, on my kitchen bookshelf, where they have remained since 2004 or 2005.

becca was always there was a sarcastic comment without being too, too cynical, sometimes she just stated the morbid as a fact. she was a total francophile, spoke fluently, and got along like gangbusters with our french gang of fans, emlie bera and marie-harveline, when we brought them over to represent the european brigade in 2005 for a dolls DVD….those were some of the happiest days i’ve seen her.
when max melton moved to the cloud club (my arts community/freakhouse), he and becca became really close friends. i just found this one of all of us in a cuddle puddle in the downstairs apartment.


siena, becca, me, max….around 2007/2008.

becca was music, always. she always had music pumping into her head. she was always headphoned, always listening, always lost in the sound, always trying to play me a song.
music, absorbing it, that was her main passion. she got some this-and-that jobs around boston working in the music industry, but she never truly found her place there. she was great at PR but cared about the quality of music too much to just push random bands that she didn’t care about. she got frustrated a lot. she wanted to write and she was a brilliant, brilliant poet. it’ll be a while before i can look at her writing and somehow collect it somewhere, since i think…i should do that. it was always dark, heartbreaking, but immediate and vital, like the poets she loved and admired. she was the real deal, as a writer.

here’s just one, for now…
diluted chinese ink poisoning

i never found the sermon in the suicide
but these are the things that have held my attention:

a name as original fiction
a borrowed idea twice over, a second sin.

this, the face i had before the world was made,
eyes blueblack as a bruise & already knowing
that this must be the way the world hurts god.

you, building shadowboxes in your bedroom,
pot after pot of semi-hot coffee & turning
the corners down.

now, apotheosis by appointment. now,
we know too much. we read highway signs
as semiotic warnings,
we die stillborn to avoid abjection.

i never found the lesson in the murder of five
& now dietrich is dead too but still we keep
the key light
8 feet up and a little to the right.

……………………….

she kept a music blog, called beecharmer and it’s still up. the greatest thing you could do to serve her memory is to go listen to the songs she’s posted recently. i think it’s the exact thing she would want people to do. go to the music she loved, the music she was always so generous to hunt down and share…..and listen. listen.

another one of my favorite becca-memories is this one:

it was the summer 2007 and she had come on the entire cyndi lauper/”true colors” tour with the dolls to sell our merchandise. we all lived together on the tour bus for about 5 weeks – me, her, brian, and the dresden dolls sound crew.

one night, in the middle of tour when everyone was up to the eyeballs in surreal travel and experience, we were parked, stuck, in some random-middle-of-nowhere soulless venue mall-like parking lot. trapped in the concrete wasteland. i was currently obsessing over a jacque brel youtube clip that kept making me cry.

i shoved the bus speakers out of the window, so they pointed to the parking lot outside, i brought my laptop to the foot of the bus and put it on a couple pillows, then a fed a cable down to becca…it just barely reached and becca plugged them in. i blew up the clip to full size, poured us each a glass of wine, and we sat on the pillows next to the tour bus wheel hub, feeling the hot summer night wind blow off the parking lot onto our faces. and i pressed play, and we watched jacques sing. we both wept copiously. i could always count on becca to feel things through music with me. she felt the deepest. (if you want to try this at home, here’s the clip: http://youtu.be/za_6A0XnMyw …that FACE. that face.)

on that same tour, becca agreed to get dragged into a stupid idea i had, which was to lip sync the entirety of “girls just wanna have fun” while walking around (half) pretending to be drunk on the strip in las vegas. we were ridiculous together.


watch here

and then, of course, was becca’s oscar-winning performance as “melissa mahoney” in the “oasis” video clip.
nobody could pull off that face of absolute apathy mixed with a sprinkling of disgust like becca.


watch here

also, if you’ve seen that ridiculous version of “poker face” i did with the boston pops on new year’s a few years ago, that was becca who came on stage with the “deconstruction text” about lady gaga…and she was also the one who wrote it. she was sharp as a fucking tack when it came to pop culture and media, living both in and outside of it at the same time. she simply loved music. she didn’t care where it came from.

becca was always trying to figure out, in one sense or another, what the fuck to do with her life….and it was me that talked her into being a living statue.
back around 2005 and 2006, she did the street performance thing in the boston area, making money as i had done, standing white and painted on a box, waiting for someone to come release her by tossing her a dollar.

i could go on and on about our correspondence and connection because of that, but a few emails that i just dug up sum it up perfectly, so i’ll paste them here, below. please read them.

she seemed to be doing amazingly well the last few times i saw her. she’d gone back to school to get her masters. she decided she wanted to be a librarian. she and i were just starting to work seriously on archiving all my old papers and recordings, and she was going to help me coordinate a university to house everything. neil had cast her a while back as the “airman” statue in his short film, and she’d asked if he would write her a good recommendation for a library job she was after. he wrote it. she got the job. she seemed….fine.

here are two photos from “statuesque” that neil sent:

neil remembers her most, i think, as the one who finally pushed me over the edge to marry him. she showed up in my blog about getting married to neil as the friend who was backstage, who i turned to right before taking stage for a huge, scary nerve-wracking show and asked “becca, should i marry neil gaiman?” and with that same deadly-serious nod with which she’d handed me her soul, she said “yes.”
i said yes the next day.

i want to say more, tell you more, share more. more becca stories.
becca was deep, complicated, beautiful, smart, vital.
she shouldn’t have died. i don’t know why she did.

pope just sent me, right as i was typing this, a photo from her funeral. i can’t not cry. i want to be there, not here, not on tour, i want to be around those who knew her, who loved her, who this is hitting. all i can do right now is write this blog and try to send it off before hitting stage in amsterdam before we don’t have wireless again for another few days.

and noah sent this.noah was the one, in our circle of friends, who got the call from becca’s parents.

becca got buried. and they took their secrets and lit them on fire and sent them down the charles river.

i wasn’t there.

when i got onto that stage in london, holding the hour-old news in my head, i’m not really sure what happened, but something….happened. i felt her gone, the reality of a person disappearing, and in equal measure i felt the blood pulsing through my body, the feeling in my feet and in my fingertips and on my tongue, the very fact of being alive – of being. i’d never felt so strangely alive. the feeling of…very clearly being not dead.
of becca being dead.
of me being alive, on a stage.
breathing. feeling. existing. i’ve never felt sadder, braver, more convinced by myself and also more lost in the impossibleness of THIS. i couldn’t make it through “astronaut” without crying, thinking that becca would never ever hear music again (NO NOT POSSIBLE) never hear instruments again (YES AMANDA SHE IS DEAD SHE WON’T WAKE UP TOMORROW MORNING) never hear anyone singing anything again (HOW IS IT POSSIBLE THAT A PERSON CAN VANISH LIKE THAT)…never sing herself again, never pass on another song, never breathe another breath. i ached and i spit and i let myself crumble more than i usually do onstage. i felt like that was fine to do. i didn’t tell the crowd. they didn’t need to know. i felt like i was at the funeral, my own little personal funeral for her, the one she would have approved of, screaming songs into the noise, into the crowd…lost in the sound. like she was.

i can’t believe she’s gone.

crowd in london, thank you for being with me that night….you helped me more than you could have possibly known. you, that, it was what i needed most.

……………………….

—–Original Message—–
From: becca rosenthal
Date: Sat, 18 Jun 2005 22:04:26
To: amanda palmer
Subject: statueing: the horror story

i left you a voicemail but i figured i should send an email about how today i was attacked by a dissociative insane homeless woman.

she ranted at me for a while about the blue line and making people blind and asking me in a singsong sort of manner if i’d like to have children and if i’d like to get married and settle down. she’d go away for a bit and then come back… she grabbed a flower out of my hand and threw it into the urn, then basically wrestled me for the vase of flowers – she was trying to take it out of my hand and i obviously wasn’t letting go and at this point i was talking to her & trying to tell her to get the fuck away from me but trying to do so in some way that wouldn’t make her angry or more deranged than she already was but she wasn’t saying anything, she was just staring at me and pulling on the vase and i was like LEAVE ME ALONE. so THEN she went away again for a while and when she came back she stood SO close to me, her foot was on the part of my skirt that goes on the sidewalk, and she was talking & singing and at this point, things like “you never had 2 cents to rub together” and then going into a less-than-charming rendition of “if i were a rich man” i was so totally terrified & freaked out that i didn’t know what to do so i’m just trying to keep ignoring her & i’m pleading silently with the people in front of me WATCHING THIS HAPPEN to come SAVE ME and finally this nice balding harvard-type man came over and was like “are you part of the act ?” and she goes “no” and he goes “oh, so you’re just a bitch.” her: “what ?” him: “you’re just a bitch” her: “[mumblings] i never had a LITTER !” him: “why are you hassling her, leave her alone”, etc etc, and as she went away this time, she had been holding this page from a magazine in her hand and she went to put it under my urn but when she touched it, i literally almost lunged for her throat because the whole time i was scared that she was gonna go for the money. god. she left & i got the fuck out of there.
one of the most terrifying things that’s ever happened to me. i had no idea what to do & 9 hours later i’m still all shaken up….

has that ever happened to you ? what do you DO ?

traumatized but stronger (or something),
b

……………………….

From: amanda palmer
Date: Sat, 19 Jun 2005
To: becca rosenthal
Subject: statueing: the horror story

O my girl. I’m sorry.

Well, I’ll tell you two things.
One is that I once had something very similar happen to me with a crazy guy in harvard square who stood right next to me for a while, screaming portuguese in my face, grabbing my money and flinging it back into the urn, and finally grabbed hold of my arm and trying to pull me off my pedestal. I was very scared and upset. I’ve also had someone throw an apple (not an apple core, a whole apple) at me from about forty feet away and hit me squarely in the chest. I’ve also been hit by beer caps, gum, water balloons, coins, cigarette butts and this one is classic: a drunken jock once came up to me and buried his face in my crotch.

End of empathy segment. Beginning of therapy:

There is no harder job, certainly performing job, than making yourself vulnerable to the world. And you become a magnet of love and hate and craziness. This is why being a statue is so amazing, you are forced to soak up the world in all it’s highs and lows. It does indeed make you stronger because the more humanity runs through your veins, the more human you become (ah, the poetry of the statue being the most human) and incredibly, the more hate you can stomach the more love you can feel. This is only my experience and my theory. It’s not that you become a woman of steel, impervious to all emotion up there on a box, it’s that you become able to take it and reflect it, and this is why what we do is important. Plus the money is great.
Love
A

……………………….

From: becca rosenthal
To: amanda palmer
Subject: statueing: the horror story

today i brought the living statue to the streets of northampton, & tonight i hit the boxwine & wrote this.
the ‘you’ here isn’t you, but i thought i’d share it, if purely for statue-value.
eez it crrrap ?
b

i have blisters on my fingers from trying too hard. i have circles under my eyes from the nights i spend desperate for sleep, aching for more time, for less time, for your time. dreaming of drowning this town, unashamed and unafraid and i will unpeel the layers of my skin until there is nothing left to say and nothing left to wash away. my past lives run down my face, mascara-style. unsettled, unprepared. red with decadence and deliberate violence. and i am running out of places to go where the squares of the sidewalk won’t whisper i loved you here, and here. i’m running out of room on my body to mark my stories: i loved you here, and here. i wore all black this morning and screamed at the traffic; everyone rushes by, even in this small town. so this afternoon i painted my face white and stood still on the sidewalk and dared them, defiantly, silently, to stop too. and i love the ones who do, and i mark my time with their disbelief, with their dollars and dimes. we are learning by example. we are lying by default. there is defeat. there is an end. this is not my city. but when the sun sets, i still believe in absolution through cold cream, i still believe in the comfort of warm water and a washcloth. but at night, despite my scenes of sidewalk seduction, i still believe i loved you here, and here.

……………………….

my favorite picture of becca. not sure who took it.
it’s of her taking a break from doing her living statue.

it’s the cigarette that kills me.

she was so beautiful and so brave and so very herself.

RIP our becca darling.
writer, reader, thinker, liver, do-er. feeler.

i’ll keep your soul. someday i’ll set it on fire, where the music is loud and beautiful and the people are singing and crying and dancing….and and and i love you, darling girl.

wherever you are, i hope there is music.

i hope there is music the likes of which you’ve never heard before, music you wish desperately you could just share with us, just for a millisecond….

…music we’ll just have to wait for.

we love you, becca.

everywhere.

everywhere.

everywhere.

Back to Blog
  • SqueebleGirl

    I cried with you at Astronaut. Astronaut always makes me cry.
    Thank you for London <3 Thank you so so much for London.

  • http://twitter.com/clarissawam Clarissa Carim

    :( I am so very sorry.

  • http://twitter.com/audreyisrad audrey bishop

    Didn’t know Becca (but seem to know more people than I realised who did), have heard of her a lot of times.
    Had to try very hard not to cry reading the blog anyway. Your memories of her are beautiful & amazing to read (which sounds weird now that I’ve typed it but it’s true).
    So, so very sorry for your loss.

  • howl

    so, so sorry for your loss. be brave.

  • Cecilia Tan

    Is it… enough? .. to say thank you for that? I had a very close and intimate friend die recently, suddenly, too young, and… and you nailed it. I know you didn’t write this to get praise, you wrote it for her, and yourself, but… thank you.

  • http://fairytalevegas.com fairytalevegas

    I miss her so much. I miss her visits to NYC that were filled with debauchery. I miss us gushing over Liza’s dancing for mein herr and both of us admitting we had taught ourselves how to chair dance it. I miss her love of literature. I was with her when she met Michelle Tea and she has the biggest smile in the photo. She told me shed lend me her copy of Valencia. It’s not fair.

  • http://twitter.com/brettvallance Brett Vallance

    What a beautiful, heartfelt post and so very sad. I can tell from your post what an amazing person Becca Darling was. I am so sorry for your loss and the pain you and others must be experiencing for losing a dear friend. I will definitely be checking out her music and writing. I love the writing and poetry that you have shared from her. I can tell by the messages and photos of you both how special you were to each other. love.

  • kmwilliams

    xo

  • http://twitter.com/ClaireShrugged Claire Targaryen

    I’m sorry, Amanda. I’m really sorry.

  • musictwig

    Wherever she is now, there is music. I know it. (((hugs)))

  • http://twitter.com/girlofthesidhe Áine West

    I honestly don’t know what to say to that, Amanda. But I am in tears, and I am with you and behind you. I’ve been there, it is so hard. But thank you for sharing her blog, the music, with us. I will spread it on, and make sure it keeps going.

  • http://twitter.com/_TeDiouS_ Tom Steiger

    Art is an attempt to express the inexpressible, explain the inexplicable, and make sense of the nonsensical. In the face of inconceivable loss art is a shield, a security blanket, and an avenging sword. In an unacceptable situation the only sensible response is: Make good art. Know that you are loved; and that nothing else really matters.

  • http://twitter.com/Kambrieldesign Kambriel

    You’re a good friend, and she was right to entrust that decoupaged treasure box soul to you.

    Some years back, a friend of mine (a designer with a poet’s soul) died, tragically far before her time. I took on the hundreds of pieces of cut out clothing & piles of unfinished work she left behind, took a year sorting through, puzzle-piece matching, sewing & completing it all, then photographed it overseas in a place she’d always dreamed to go & published them in a magazine she adored. I knew it wasn’t much compared to what she could have done with all the years she ~should have had~, but I at least wanted to help her with wrapping up that one little chapter. Throughout that time, and indeed, at some point each and every day (and I hope for all the rest of my days), I’m still keenly aware of & understand that feeling you described that comes after loss ~ where you feel each breath, each thing you’re able to *do*, every thing you can create, every word you can say, every person you can hold ~ as the greatest luxury and gift.

    Treasure. Love. Everywhere.

    • Anon

      Okay. So it has been two weeks almost now. What was the cause of this young woman’s death? I keep coming back here to find some kind of update and there is nothing what so ever. Some of us want answers. People don’t just UP die for no apparent cause. Amanda what’s the deal here? What do we know so far?

      • Anon

        What happened to this FAN?!? of yours Amanda? How did she die? Why did she die? Did she get in the way of your FAME?!?!? I think so.

        • Anon

          Shhhhh… We need to reprogram these losers.. Be quiet. Here are some post modernistic visions to keep your intelligence occupied. See? All better now. Are you ready for your reprogramming.. Good! Glad to hear honey. Your number’s up. Get ready. This is for you baby.

  • http://twitter.com/neversaynikki Nikki

    I wish I could do more than thank you for writing this. I wish I could share some coping mechanism that solves everything, that makes it all easy or numb or maybe nonexistent. The only thing that has helped me deal with the deaths that have come in the past few months has been the things that you have said and sung.

    So all I can really say is this: Becca was wonderful and brilliant and beautiful, and beyond that, she is a part of who you are and you are a part of so many people. Everything, including life and death, is an act of give and take — and she gave so much that we will continue to take and to take and eventually to give because of it. And I think that that’s worth more than anything.

  • taniasue

    Thank you for sharing her with us. I read her whole twitter feed, her poems, your right she catches your feelings. I did not know her, only read her words. I a sadden for her family & friends to have such an honest soul departed. 27, is too young, not fair. I lost my best friend Nathan in HS, that year 11 more friends, “Lost” for the first time had me grieving him in a new light, he’s not gone, he’s still 18yrs later in my heart. Where I garden him, and love him and he makes me who I am. May you find comfort and peace, and may she forever sing, and be words of love and music, and makes you who you are xo R.I.P Becca Darling

  • Eva

    I am so very sorry, Amanda Palmer, about the loss of your friend.

  • Ryan_Anas

    She loved you so much. You were there. You were held in each of our hearts.

    Thank you. I love you so much.

    Love,
    Ryan

    • Anon

      Amanda Palmer Killed Amanda Palmer. Think about that for a moment please. Thank you. Goodbye Amanda! :(

      • Anon

        What happened to this young woman? How did Becca Darling (Rosenthal) die exactly? None of these answer exist here. I hear lots of people saying how they feel, but I don’t have any facts. Why is that AMANDA? What is this bullshit you are spinning to us to eat today honey? I think you lie.

        • Anon

          Yes, Amanda Palmer is a lier. Don’t believe a word. Not one.

  • l8gr8

    she’ll hear music forever and ever, believe it, from your heart

  • http://twitter.com/Marjorie73 Marjorie

    I’m so sorry for your loss. I didn’t know Becca, only a few mentions in your tweets and blog, but reading what you have written made me feel as though I was meeting her, and grieve that it is too late, and I never can. It sounds as though she filled her life, and lived it with all her might, and I hope that knowing that will, eventually, be a source of comfort for you and her other friends and family.
    Love

  • katastrophy

    Written so many things just to delete them. I fucking hate that people have to go away; it hurts too much and it doesn’t go away, not if you love them dearly, because they never really go away.

    That last email you posted is beautifully written – it reads like a song and I see so many shared images/phrases; you and her.

    I’m so fucking sad, for someone I don’t know and just saw on twitter, and for you, and for me and for the people I lost and who stay with me even though they aren’t physical anymore. It’s all so fucking sad and I have Girls Just Want To Have Fun on repeat, like that does anything…

  • Joey

    That was beautiful, Amanda. I think a friend of mine knew Becca as well…

    All I could think of while reading this was that someone recently taught us all that “No one’s ever lost forever
    They are caught inside your heart
    If you garden them and water them
    They make you what you are.”

  • Cam

    I’m so sorry you can’t be at her funeral. But if you carry her soul and her memory and her love then the rest is secondary. She lives on.

  • Marisa

    i am so sorry for your loss, i wish i could give a big speach but im just speachless. im sorry.

  • Catgirl

    My darling Amanda, this is what makes you so very special. You love with your whole heart. And you met another very special person who was able to do the same thing. It’s rare, so very rare. Even without knowing her, I feel comforted by the idea that two very special people found each other, and were able to connect on a deeper level than most people are ever able to. Friendships like this are rare, almost magic. But I promise you, she will never truly leave you. She will be in your heart, a piece of your soul that will stay with you, for all time. I know. It sucks. And it will always be hard, and a little lonely. I miss my “soul sister” all the time. But I also know that wherever she is, she has taken all the love with her. And the laughter and the joy. It surrounds her and comes back to me… every day, forever. Hugs and kisses- Conni

  • R/D2

    I’ve wrote stuff down so many times and deleted it. Just know that you’ve brought her into the hearts and minds of so many other people, and while none of us’ll know her a fraction as well as you did, no matter how much we read or listen. But we’ll know a piece, and so long as at least one other person remembers her, or listens to a song they found through her – no matter how many degrees of seperation there are between her and the listener – she’s not dead. When you die, you’re gone, but you’re not gone until you’re forgotten.

    All the love in the world – Ross

  • http://twitter.com/neverwear cat mihos

    a gorgeous tribute to a lovely soul. i know how hard it is to be on tour when something like this happens, and i think your tribute to Becca D is a heartbreaker. She lives inside you now.

  • http://twitter.com/rawlibrary briar

    The few times that I met Becca are some of the most memorable moments from the brief period of my life when everything was crazy and exciting and music was everything and everywhere. Chocolate cake shots, St Vincent, Williamsburg industry parties. As far as my eighteen/nineteen year old self was concerned, she was pretty much the coolest person I ever met, right down to the bandana tied around the top of one boot. When I heard the news, my heart dropped – for this girl that I barely knew. Some of my friends are in shock about it, and my heart goes out to them, and to you. I am so, so sorry, she was an amazing person, and I can’t even imagine how those who truly knew her are feeling. So much love to everyone.

  • Tami Cline

    It’s painful and oh so very hard when you can’t be there for a loved ones send off. Part of the healing process is sharing memories with others who loved that person as much as you. This post is the next best thing. Your love for and friendship with Becca is so strong within your words. The other memories that you will share in the days, weeks, and years to come will keep her with you when you need her.
    Every year I attend the Reclaiming Samhain Spiral Dance where the names of our beloved dead who have passed over the last year are read aloud. After each name is read we reply with “what is remembered lives”
    Your friend lives in your memories, I know you will hold them close.

    I am terribly sorry for your loss.

  • Julie Peel

    Thank you for this, Amanda. I am too away in EU and couldn’t make it to the showing or the funerals, and it has been hell, being here, not understanding what happened. This is a tragedy. I can’t express anything with words right now, but yours are beautiful, so, simply, thank you.
    I love you Becca, you’ll be forever in my heart.
    Your friend,
    Julie

  • BQ

    “someday i’ll set it on fire, where the music is loud and beautiful and the people are singing and crying and dancing”.

    It sounds like the Temple at Burning Man, the most artistic, amazing and insane celebration of life, love and death that I’ve ever seen. It’s a place where you can put remembrances of loved ones during the week and then, surrounded by 50,000 people, watch it all burn.

    Hugs to you. Becca sounded like an amazing human bean.

    • xtingu

      I was thinking the same thing re: the Temple.

      Every year I organize a Temple Offering Courier Service, where I bring items to the temple for people who aren’t able to attend. It is a HUGE honor for me to be able to do this for strangers, and it means the world people trust a human they don’t know (me!) with something so precious. In the past 5 years strangers have asked me to bring out photos, letters, small sculptures, clothing, and confidential things in envelopes I promised not to open. Sometimes people just ask me to sit quietly/zazen for them, sing something I made up on the spot, or to say a little prayer or intention on their behalf.

      I got my start doing this via the Burning Man community on LiveJournal back in LJ’s heyday (http://burning-man.livejournal.com/854118.html), and I will continue to offer it via LJ because I still like it over there. (Yes, I’m old.)

      Find me at LJ (or pretty much anywhere on the internetz) at the handle above.

  • http://twitter.com/dharawal ahjumma

    there is always music, and love.

    with tears, thank you.

  • lentower

    becca: thanks for coming into amanda’s life -len

  • Samaire Provost

    I am so sorry for your loss, Amanda.

  • Trixie

    I read your blog with tears streaming down the sides of my face. I didn’t know Becca Darling and I’ve only recently become acquainted with you and your music, and now your heart-wide-open writing. Becca will always be with you, Amanda, and you with her. This I know for sure. Thank you for sharing so much of yourself. Always.

  • http://twitter.com/codyvw codyvw

    Well you always have managed to attract the coolest friends. I’m sorry this one got away.

  • Michael

    Sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you and those that cared for her. Thank you for sharing what you had to say. Take some comfort in the knowledge that she knew you loved her. What more can anyone offer than that?

  • http://twitter.com/astarynight Crystal Michelle

    becca will never be gone. someone of that magnitude who has eclipsed your life with their love, passion and drive for music and poetry, will never be gone. you only have to listen to a song, look at something, like the decoupage she gave you, read her e-mails/letters, and know she is always there. ALWAYS! it’s never over. she would want you to keep living your dream, because in a sense, you are doing it for th both of you. As much as she loved music, i think she would want you to. without the essence of the universe our existence would never be, however; without existence of the universe there would be no essence. you were best friends for a reason, providing and defining meaning to each other’s life through art and music. she would want you to carry that on….for her. :) blessed be!

  • http://twitter.com/Chelseyblair Chelsey Blair

    Amanda, I am so, so, sorry. I never met Becca, that I know, but we have many mutual friends, so perhaps I have glimpsed her at a show, not knowing, unaware of the soul of the person a few feet away. Not knowing that in time her passing would make me ache to know her, because anyone who so deeply affected the people I love must have been incredible.

    I did meet Daniel Handler today, at the Boston Book Fest. We spoke of you and of Neil. A girl in the line had a ukelele. I wondered if she knew you, or if I just associate dark-haired girls with ukeleles in line to meet Daniel Handler with you, and what that means, because were the other people in line making that association? And on the way home last night, I passed the Oberon where fairy-dressed drag queens danced to saxophones, and neither they nor the Harvardites on the street knew the memories dancing in my mind, in my soul. So many glimpses of people in this city, and yet not enough knowing. Not where/when it matters.

    I love you. I cannot wait for two weeks and the Boston shows.

  • http://www.facebook.com/Sandbridgekid Mike Foy

    In my family we all return to the River like your Becca Darling. Up in West Virginia, where my family have little houses and cabins by the Cacapon River, we can look up and see my grandparents house, called Camp by all of us. When one of us dies, or as we sometimes say “going for the long swim”, we pour the cremated remains of our temporarily lost ones into the riffles, just down aways, the steep bank into The River. My Grand Parents are there, a great aunt, a cousin who died way too young mysteriously, and saddest of all a niece who never made it out of pediatric icu. But we who live so shortly, know that we all will have the constantcy of mingling with the river rocks, for millenia. Your Becca is in the River, too. Figuratively, it may be in the Charles, or Boston Harbor, or in dreams. Like Rilke she thrived, she glowed, her poems, her presence, will always remain in your faimily’s hearts sprayed onto your memory wall like the cave paintings in damp french caves. But the River always remains, it always goes to the Sea, and we will all flow slowly to the Ocean. (Listen to Alan Parson Project’s “Time”, or more heart rending Alison Krauss’ “Way Down the River”)

  • RiverVox

    Dear Amanda, What a beautiful tribute. I wondered how the hell you made it through that London show and now I know. You let the humanity, and the pain, run through your veins. I hope writing this helps you get through the rest of the tour. Having lost my best friend seven years ago, I can tell you that that do, really, truly, live inside your heart. May her memory be for a blessing and a comfort to you always.

  • http://www.facebook.com/Sandbridgekid Mike Foy

    Alison Kraus singin “Away Down The Rive” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iCrEoWE3sHM This will make you sad, but it will bring some tiny shred of joy to your aching heart.

  • http://twitter.com/midnight_faerie Bethy

    I am so sorry for your loss. She was a beautiful soul, and she will live on in the hearts of all those who loved her, all the lives she touched. I have a huge hug for you after the Detroit show. Sending all the love I can to you and to her friends and family.
    May the Goddess hold her close and may she be serenaded by the most amazing music forever.

  • Bob W.

    So sorry that you lost your dear friend, Amanda, and so suddenly. Indeed she was a well-known, occasional cast member in the AFP carnival to us fans; I’m sure she was so much more to those who knew her personally. My sympathies.

    As you mentioned her admirable, bookish prowess in your tribute, I searched Goodreads.com using the name Becca Darling – indeed, came across a public list she’d maintained of over 300 books she’d read and rated. What a deep, deep list! Works in English, French and Russian, covering every kind of cultural medium. Perhaps your fans will enjoy her book recommendations and reviews, if they are left online, and that will be part of her legacy.

  • http://twitter.com/wickedoll Niki

    There are no appropriate words to express my feelings after reading this. … My blessing go to you, Neil and her family and friends who lost someone so dear. My candle is lit for her and for all of you.

  • Laura Mecklenburger

    Twenty-seven… that’s my age. I can’t help thinking: this is how the people I love, love the people they love. I wish I could have met Becca Darling. I will listen to her music. I’ve already cried for her, now I want to smile with her. And I am selfishly glad you don’t have “a smaller heart.” Maybe the heart that hurts more, also heals more? ::hugstightly::

  • Jamie Nolan

    Amanda, Becca took me to your show in 2005-ish in New Hampshire. It was my first time ever seeing you live. You seriously just blasted my heart into a million pieces in the best way. You spoke of her in such an accurate and beautiful way. You have no clue how much your words just touched my heart – fuck that – my very soul. Thank you for that. Her passing is so sad … she was a rare form of human magic. Rest her beautiful soul. – Jamie Nolan

  • http://naturallydotty.wordpress.com Dragonsally

    I’m so very sorry Amanda – holding you, and all Becca’s family and friends tight in my heart.

  • Amariex

    I am so sorry for your loss.. Be strong.
    Love, Iris

  • VKarts

    Makes me speechless :'(

  • http://twitter.com/blackic HELLen Apocalypse

    Really sorry about your friend. London was beautiful, you did her proud.

  • K

    Thank you. In the space of four years I have lost five friends. It unbearable and unintelligible and scary and frustrating and I don’t understand. Your blog reminds me why we made a pact to live our lives and love more and talk constantly and all those things we forget about. Thank you for sharing your pain with us, it’s the hardest thing to do at a time like this. It won’t make any more sense but it will get easier

  • http://www.facebook.com/sven.noxr Sven NOxr

    Whenever I need cheering up, I watch the Oasis video. Melissa Mahoney is the coolest chick on youtube. Becca will make people smile for years to come.

  • Galen_A

    I’m sitting here at work, wiping my eyes. She was right to entrust her soul to you because you honor it. I’m so sorry.

  • Sandy Lakdar

    Amen

  • Mathew Freeman

    Glad that being in the crowd in London somehow helped you. I saw you come out of Koko through the side door and disappear into the bus – now I know why. I’m sorry for your loss.

  • http://flickr.com/kevbo Kevbo

    Thank you for sharing who she was with us. Those of us who didn’t know her evidently really missed out. I’m sorry you lost her so suddenly, Amanda.

  • Gileh

    I never knew Becca, but this was a beautiful post. The writing you included here from her was just gorgeous, and the picture you paint of her makes her seem like an amazing person and friend. Like another commenter below said, it appears those of us who didn’t know her missed out.

    I recently attended the funeral of a friend’s husband. We weren’t particularly close, but he always treated me with respect whenever we saw each other and I count his wife as a friend, so I felt I had to go. He was around the same age, too. The world took him too early, just like it took Becca from you and everyone else she knew. That’s a major reason this entry hit me so hard and a reason I felt I had to write *something*, no matter how inarticulate or how utterly inadequate it might be.

    Also, I’d just like to say “thank you”. For this post. For Minneapolis. For your music. For just being you. I may be a relative newcomer, but you’ve helped me cope with the recent problems in my life, so yeah. Thanks so much. I’m truly sorry for your loss and you’ll be in my thoughts.

  • Jeff in Boston

    I’m so sorry for the loss of your good friend Amanda. Wish i could give you a hug.

  • CT

    That made me cry like a baby. I wish I had a friend like Becca. You’re a lucky girl Amanda Palmer. Be strong x

  • http://twitter.com/BNPQOE Bethanie

    I used to read her music blog. When you Tweeted the other day that she had died I was so surprised that I obsessively checked the interwebs to see if it was true. I couldn’t find anything so I chose spend the next few days clinging on to the happy notion that it was all a mistake. I am SO sorry for your loss.

  • http://twitter.com/agvass24 Alex Vassilakos

    Amanda,

    This post was the most beautiful thing I’ve read in a long time. I wish there was something that we, as fans and supporters, could do to help commemorate Becca. She seemed like a truly beautiful person, and you clearly loved each other very much. I know what it feels like to lose someone with so much life left before them. It’s not easy, but the best you can do is the things that you know would make them proud.

  • http://twitter.com/selinaDF Selina

    I am so sorry to hear of your loss, and for loss itself. This happened to me when I was in high school, a girl I grew up with suddenly died at the age of 14 due to heart failure, completely out of nowhere. The magnitude of the relationship was nowhere near that of yours and Becca’s, but I understand that sudden moment where everything just freezes and it feels like you’re suddenly the only person alive because you’re surrounded by all of these people who have no idea that suddenly one very important person has vanished from you for seemingly no (fair) reason. It’s going to be five years next month, and it still hurts when I think about it. I’ve since moved so far away and it’s hard to connect in places where they should; however my advice to you is to be strong (you are), keep remembering (you will), and never, ever stop loving (you won’t).
    We’re all here for you, Amanda.

  • http://www.facebook.com/shinyheatherlee ShinyHeatherlee Moudry

    the love you have for her is amazing. most of us would give our souls to have friends like that. take good care of hers. rest in music becca darling

  • Lydia

    I’m sorry.

  • Sandrine

    How absolutely heartbreaking. I’m so sorry, and I hope that you and all those who knew Becca can find strength in each other and your memories of her, celebrate knowing her and how awesome she was as well as mourning her. You are in my thoughts and my heart.

  • Musings

    Amanda,

    I didn’t know Becca personally, but our lives ran parallel in several places.

    How lucky you both were to find each other and have each other for the time that you did. And how lucky she is to have so many friends, including you, to carry her name and memory and of course soul, like badges upon your hearts.

    I recognize this kind of post. Memory. memory. memory. A grasp and desperation to paint her before she is lost to the people who don’t know her.

    You’ve painted her beautifully, Amanda. We know her now. We know that she was beautiful.

    And when you get the chance, the space, the time, and the place to truly grieve, you’ll know that she won’t ever be truly lost, that in making a mark upon your and other lives, she’s inedible in our world. You, of all people, will really know it.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Becca-BiBi-Sklar/1679002662 Becca BiBi Sklar

    I’m so sorry for your loss and the loss of such a beautiful soul here. I’m glad you have Neil with you. Please rest in music Becca DaHling <3

  • http://www.facebook.com/zacatx Manuel Hernandez

    So sorry. So grateful to you for writing this. So unable to form complete sentences. Crying more.

  • CeciTart

    I am glad you had Neil there, and I am sending you love and hugs. ((((((Amanda))))))

  • Angelface

    *HUG* Thank you for performing a great set on Wednesday in Manchester despite such a loss. You are amazing. x

  • http://www.facebook.com/randy.schott.9 Randy Schott

    I didn’t know you till I read that you were gone, now I’ll
    miss you forever with all my heart. Bye Becca Darling.

  • mak

    Dearest Amanda,

    She spoke of you so fondly, and I remember the early years at Smith as you were encouraging her to be a living statue. She was so proud and beautiful and astounding. She was my housemate, next door neighbor, and dear acquaintance. (I never had the privilege of being her close friend). She was so beautiful, blindingly so. Soul out of her body, shining through everything….beautiful. (I suppose that box she gave you might have something to do with it). Thank you for this remembrance.

  • wordjunky

    It’s hard when someone you love dies, and when its someone as amazing as your friend and so sudden I think its worse, cause the is no deep breath or bracing. There was no way to prepare. I’m sorry you are hurting, it won’t be ok for a long time so I won’t wish it for you and that you couldn’t go to the funeral is hard too, because even thou she isn’t there it’s good to say goodbye with others who loved her as fiercely. Instead I wish for you that you find a way to say goodbye in your own way, that you can accept her life and departure together without feeling hurt over how short she was with you. Fishes in heaven she is happy,if she is reincarnated she is something beautiful and new right now with just as much promise as she always had. And if there is no heaven or afterlife she is beyond pain and hurt or caring. She is back with the universe and ready to become part of another great adventure.

  • http://twitter.com/dresdenpunk Rob Cliff

    So sorry to hear about this, Amanda.

    I’m not one to think much about what happens to us when we leave this life, but I like to think that we can watch those we love moving on and living out their dreams.

    I’m sure somewhere out there, Becca is smiling at how amazing you still are.

  • Page

    Her physical body may no longer be here on Earth but she is not gone. She and everyone else who has left this world still exist on another plane, somewhere. I also believe that they can revisit, in the form of dreams…because asleep and dead are very close to the same thing. Ask Neil; he’s the expert on that. So sorry for your loss. She seemed like a very cool person. I think while the storm is raging over the next few days I will listen to alot of music and do alot of writing and think about life and death and everything in between. <3

  • sarah

    so sad. so sweet. :(

  • watchmeboogie

    Just found out an old friend gone, also 27. I just – feel it. Love. xo

  • Gina

    Thank you Amanda thank you thank you thank you. Thank you for reminding me that everyone is lost and everyone is together

  • abigailh

    How beautiful. What a beautiful way to honor her. So much love.

  • Lotte

    I am so, so sorry you had to lose her. There is truly nothing like the pain of losing a friend. Becca won’t ever be forgotten.

  • Marty

    I wish I had to the words to eloquently share with you that I feel your pain, that it’s heartbreaking to feel your heart break – some epic and original way of saying that your tribute was beautiful, touching and tender. So I’ll leave it that and go ponder this Becca Darling, this light that flared so brightly and wish that I had gotten to bathe in its glow. I am so sorry for your loss Amanda – you are good friend and I am awed by your ability to open yourself up and share your loss.

  • http://twitter.com/tadjemiii Jesse Markham

    We do love you, becca. Amanda, my deepest sympathies for your loss. The Oasis video was one of the first things of yours I encountered and I’m sure I don’t have to tell you how ineffably glorious her contribution was. Thank you for everything, always.

  • Morgan

    i never knew becca but now i feel as though i did. you brought her very spirit to life and i can almost feel your pain. it’s never, ever, ever, ever easy to lose the ones we love. maybe one day it’ll make sense. if it doesn’t… you had the invaluable experience of knowing someone so beautiful. that’s an amazing thing.

  • http://www.facebook.com/kelly.straub1 Kelly Straub

    Oh Sweetie, I’m so sorry for your loss and as always I am amazed by your strength and perseverance in times of great sadness. Hugs and love for you and all those who knew and loved Becca.

  • http://www.facebook.com/kae.shay Kaelinn Smith

    I cried when I read this. Not because I’m sad because I know her, because I don’t. I cried because you are such an amazing friend. I have to say Becca was the luckiest girl on the planet to be so close to someone like you. This was a wake up call for me. I seriously take my friends for granted, especially the ones I am away from. I have a Becca or two in my life, and I seriously just want to find them and hug them close and tell them I love them dearly.

    Bless her soul, and may it rest where the music is.

  • Joanne Wolf

    I’m so sorry about the loss of becca darling and I wish you could write a tribute to my son who loved and admired you and urged me to listen to your music until I loved and admired you too, and took me to see you on the day Michael Jackson died, where you hugged me outside in the line waiting to enter the club. You met my son at the beach and spoke to him about some band but you never knew how sweet he was or how brilliant or how talented a guitarist or how much music meant to him. You never knew this but he took his own life because for some people life becomes unlivable. Maybe you can spread the word that suicide can be preventable, maybe you can save a precious life like your darling becca or my own darling Max.

    http://www.surgeongeneral.gov/library/reports/national-strategy-suicide-prevention/full_report-rev.pdf

    godspeed even though we are all here with no god and only each other, xo

  • peppy

    I cried. I cried for you, for Becca, and for the friends I have who I stay in contact with in the same way. We talk using facebook, email and text… but I know they are there. I know they’re still with me in everything I do, and I know that I’d feel empty if they were gone. I can’t imagine what you’ve gone through, and what you are still going through – and my words seem more and more trivial as I type them… but know that we are all with you, through this… and that amazing people like Neil will be there to understand, and to appreciate the beautiful person that Becca was, and always will be.
    xx

  • http://twitter.com/lesliefandrich Leslie Fandrich

    Such a sweet, beautiful tribute. I’m so sorry for your loss Amanda. I hope that when you get home, the words, writing and art that Becca left behind will give you comfort. I am glad to know her a little through you.

  • kay

    Your connection will never falter or break.
    You will forever carry her in your heart.
    Her light will never fade because you wont let it.

    she will live on through you. you are her soulmate

  • http://twitter.com/MollyHalloran Molly Halloran

    In the words of David Viscott, “To love and be loved is to feel the sun from both sides.”

    When that sun grows dark, the pain is too much to bear and it seems that there will never be light again. Your music guided me through my great darkness after the death of my father, two years ago. I’m sure your Becca Darling would want the music of your heros to guide you through this darkness.

    Just because you can’t see her, or hear her, or feel her anymore doesn’t mean your relationship should end. And I say this with no bias toward any religion or view on an afterlife. I’ve been emailing my father since he passed, at 57, July, 27 2010. I don’t hope to ever get a response, but sending the message keeps my relationship with my father alive even if he isn’t.
    I send you all the love I have, hope that your heart begins to heal as soon as it can, and remind you that it helps to be thankful for the time you had rather than be sorry that your time together has ended.

  • Guest

    http://www.nighttrainmagazine.com/contents/rosenthal_11_1.php her poem is brilliant/ so sorry she is gone for you & many blessings in your grieving love xo

  • http://twitter.com/rubyverbena rubyverbena

    She was one of the lovely people I met through you on twitter. She was always sweet, and very smart, and just a lovely soul. I am sad that she is gone, that people who knew her very well and loved her very much are without her. Much love to you all.

  • http://www.facebook.com/darkdigitalis Trin Achronism

    “the more hate you can stomach the more love you can feel.” — never have I read a truer sentence in my life. it is only through true pain and suffering does one emerge softer, gentler and more peaceful. and with such a big heart to begin with, it usually goes that they suffer the most.

    Amanda, I am so, so sorry. I know your pain and I feel it in every letter on the screen. I was a lot younger when it happened to me, and it’s what made me as I am today. as much as I miss my girl, I will never forget what she gave me by sacrificing herself. even if it wasn’t for me specifically, I am grateful for her part in my life. she showed me a world of beauty where everywhere all I saw was hatred, pain and darkness. I commemorate her and her massive heart daily, with the name I go by online now.

    don’t worry, sweetie. she’s with you now, as you know. her spirit will live on through you and I’m sure, as hard as it is now, there will come a time in future where you’ll smile at the thought of her.

    my heart goes out to you and to all who loved her. a life lost is always difficult, but as long as you never lose her heart and/or soul she will never ever truly be *gone*. I hope my words can provide some kind of solace in such a dark hour.

    all my love,
    T. xoxo (Trinity — I still miss you. <3)

  • AJ

    this is beautiful. i’m crying like a baby.

  • http://meaningsandsense.blogspot.com/ Daniela Cevallos

    Dear Amanda, all I feel capable to say is that I’m sorry.
    You were there with your soul and she is in your heart.
    *Much love*

  • JonHite

    Thanks for sharing the sad news. I was an acquaintance of Becca’s from Northampton, and we met at the Iron Horse. Here’s my FB post, “Just learned that Rebecca Rosenthal, Smith ’06ish passed away at 27. She was the local music scene’s most broadly-knowledgeable expert — Jim Neill is 2nd — passionate about keeping up with new artists she’d seen, crazy smart, and a great, emotive writer and actress in her own right. Northamptonites may remember her gig standing on the traffic island at Main and State as ‘human statue.’ Here, she plays “Melissa Mahoney” on Amanda F. Palmer’s video of “Oasis.” The Haymarket lost a best customer. Twenty-seven is too young, much too young.”

    I’m sorry for your loss, Amanda. And thanks for the lovely tribute.

  • Ali

    The ones you love never truly leave you, they remain with you by your side guiding you through life. She will be able to sing dance and enjoy music through you. She will find peace.

  • Hellie

    I’m so sorry for your loss. This is a really touching blog, it shows your passion and love for her. Losing people is never easy. I hope the rest of our tour is peaceful and barable. She was lucky to have a friend in you.

  • Faith

    Thank you for sharing her with us love. I hope you find her in the music throughout the rest of this tour- and that the power of that helps you though the intervening time between now and your privet grieving.

  • K.

    Many moons ago, I was a college dorm mate of Becca’s at Smith. I didn’t know her well – although there were only 18 of us. I knew she was a passionate soul. A living statue. And I knew she had depths I couldn’t fathom. She was smart, beautiful funny, and one of those women I’ve admired from afar. I’ve thought of her from time to time, wondering where she was and what she did. I could not have imagined. I could not have imagined any of her beautiful life. She lived a large, full, meaningful life and you were such a Good friend. Thank you for being a Smithie to her – a sister, a confidant, and a supporter. I’m so sorry for your loss.

  • Anamorphosis

    There is not much to say when something like this happens. I can say that no one will ever know exactly how you feel. Grief is like a snowflake. Cold, unique, beautiful, sharp, painful, intricate. And then it melts. But unlike ice, it never really melts all the way. It melts into the skin leaving its own kind of scar one can touch and see and taste forever. I don’t know why she passed and in the not knowing, of course, because of my training and because of my own experience I wonder if she died by her own hand. In the field we call this “suicided.” As in – “He suicided” instead of ” He decided to end his life.” I have always felt this to be an ugly word. Like “consumer” which is now used as a common label to mean someone who sees a therapist, sees a psychiatrist, or otherwise utilizes the broken mental health system that we have in this country. I prefer “client.” “Client” is a word that has integrity and dignity and is not just an open mouth. Clients can hire you and fire you. Consumers just eat you.

    Of course, I am hoping that I am wrong. But I know that if I am wrong, that it does not necessarily make the death better or easier or even less tragic.

    I used to lead a group for people who lost loved ones to suicide. Many of the people had walked in on their loved ones in the act or just shortly after. When I would do the brief intakes to screen people for the group to make sure they fit I would hear just the most painful fragments of these horrible stories and I would have nightmares and feel haunted. I think that there was no other way to be empathetic and not soak in the trauma just a little, But when the groups happened, when everyone got together, they were really beautiful. It was like a religion free church and I had the privilege of witnessing the depth of the best of humanity. I still feel blessed.

    I’m not sure why I am writing all of this except that there is nothing correct to really write so I am writing what is coming up in my heart in case it has any meaning for you or another reader here.

  • Cortney

    I’m so sorry for your loss, Amanda.

  • Wicked Mike

    The only thing that death teaches us is how to live…

  • deeza13666

    So sorry to hear of the loss of your dear friend, remember that nothings lost forever and Becca will always be with you.

  • Rosario Lopez

    This post made me shed a tear, so sorry for your loss, Amanda. I lost two very important people in my life in the last half a year and I know the feeling. You have been for each other since you met, and you are lucky for that. Lots of hugs and love.

  • http://twitter.com/RockAndEat David Miller

    Wow. I know there is nothing that can be said except, I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing this with us.

  • April

    I’m so very, very sorry for your loss.

  • http://maartendas.blogspot.com feeblemind

    Your blog was posted on the day of the Amsterdam gig (right?). I attended that show with two close friends of mine. It was in the same week my Mom died… I remember helping to carry you across the audience that night. Your show meant a lot to me, it gave joy and comfort that I really needed. I just wanted to let you know that in the hope of giving something of that back. I wish you all the best in dealing with the grief. X

  • waffle

    This is such a beautiful tribute. And her influence seeped through into the London show, even if we didn’t know of your tragic news yet. I’m so sorry for you, she sounds like a wonderful person.

  • Mako6977666

    Sorry for your loss,Peace be with you.

  • Phoenix

    A loving remembrance, very touching for me. I’d been wondering what you
    were referring to when you mentioned each of the seven times you played
    the Melkweg you had different shit going on in your life. So sorry to
    hear of your friend’s death and your loss. Jacques Brel’s ‘Ne me quitte
    pas’ is such a fitting song here, I can never see that bit of footage
    without crying. Love, love, love and warm hug to you.

  • http://twitter.com/Xanthrax_ Xanthea O’Connor

    Becca’s music blog was one of the reasons I started writing & blogging more about music. It has brought so many wonderful, musical souls into my life. After reading this, I wish I’d written, telling her how what she was doing meant to me. I wish I’d spoken to her at all.

    She will always be true, unfaltering beauty.

  • Athene Numphe

    Even though I didn’t know Becca, as a Smithie who has a Masters in Library Science, I feel like a sister has been lost. I remember that Iron Horse show. It was February and cold as anything. I’m so sorry for your loss.

    I hope you are able to honor her memory by let someone else continue her work in organizing, cataloging, archiving your papers and music.

  • http://twitter.com/scott_ann Ann Scott

    This post is engraved in the internet now, it feels good to know that, thank you for writing it…

  • K.Loo

    The sobriety I felt after reading this is a testament to the significance of your tribute… it would be an honor to be remembered in such a way that complete strangers feel such sadness. So sorry for your loss..

  • Kim

    I didn’t know her, but this blog actually made me cry. I’m so very, very sorry for your loss, dear. There probably are no words that can make you feel better. But do know that I know how you feel.

    When driving home from Berlin today, I was listening to Theatre Is Evil several times and I couldn’t get through “Lost” without crying.

    Keep your own words in mind:

    “No one’s ever lost forever
    When they die they go away
    But they will visit you occasionally
    Do not be afraid
    No one’s ever lost forever
    They are caught inside your heart
    If you garden them and water them
    They make you what you are”

    I find those words really comforting (my Dad committed suicide when I was 14). And it’s true, someone who was and IS loved never truly leaves us.

    I would have loved to hug you in person after the show yesterday. I hope you’re okay.

    Love,
    Kim

  • Bettiboom

    i also read this a few times. for me, the photo of becca and you at statuesque says it all. you can see the true love. its so adorable! and i checked out beccas blog/music, she got great taste….. its all really beautiful. and heartbreaking. at the same time. it’s kind of funny (in a sad way) – during the last days, i also thought alot again of my dad, who died years ago in october and a lovely friend, who died a few years ago in october, too….. actually, i just dont know what to say. and i’m pretty sure there is not much to say!

    i dont think it ever gets better. because they’re not coming back. but at least it’s such a truely pleasure to have known people like that….. its the bestbestbest thing you can have in your life and all that matters is, that we dont take that for granted. and its clearly feeleable you loved her. and she did love you, too. i guess, all that matters is living on and enjoying every bit (its over too soon far too often)! and i know she would have wanted you to enjoy every second together with her in your mind and heart. and soul.

    i listened to this song alot lately. maybe she would have liked it, if she would have known german…. at least its a girl singing ;-)
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xu7MynhG7Yw

    always take care of you. and your loved ones.x

  • http://www.facebook.com/farokisking Elizabeth Lopez

    I am so sorry for your loss, Amanda. This had me in tears. I cannot imagine losing someone that I’m really close to and who is my soulmate. RIP Becca.

  • http://twitter.com/_frosties Alex H.

    Dear Amanda, I couldn’t stop myself from crying reading through this. I have never met Becca, but you painted a wonderful picture of her. She seems like a beautiful soul. My love goes to everyone who knows her (I say “she seems like” and “who knows her” because I think it’s wrong to use past tense when talking about people who have left us. Because to somebody who loves, these people are still present and will always be).

    I will now take the time to send a message to everybody I love, simply to tell them that I love them. Just in case I won’t be able to tomorrow.

    Love,
    Alex

  • Eriana Marcus

    Amanda, your love for Becca – and her’s for you, will be with you always, it becomes part of your skin; I know; I did not know Becca; but someone I loved greatly died at the age of 29; 18 years ago – like yesterday. She was a comet, a wild horse, – Oct 31 is the anniversary of her coming to the world, and leaving – the wild passion for living is what i carry . . .and your own courage and wild music so full of personal freedom; – what can i say? Kambriel said it well – that she was right to entrust the treasure box soul to you.

  • Gina T.

    I’m so, so, so very sorry you lost your dear friend, Amanda…she sounds like she was a soul on fire with passion. She will live on in you, your memories, what songs you write or pictures you draw about her, in the memories, stories, art that others who knew and loved her will make. Thank you for sharing those most precious stories with us. We can only try to be on fire with passion ourselves, to honor those who inspire us to be this way, like Becca did.

    Love and hugs…<3

  • amy from germany

    I didn’t even know her but this made me cry. Thanks for posting. I will now go and listen to her blog. Hopefully I will find some of the spirit you tried to bring to us.

  • http://twitter.com/sordiddd SordidDetailsDesigns

    I’m slowly working my way through Beccas brilliant blog and making a spotify playlist as I go. Someone with such righteous taste in music and a wonderful poetic voice should not have gone so soon.

  • Elizabeth Grammaticas

    Dear Amanda, I wrote a long one, but I think you should read it. http://drawsomethingawful.com/2012/10/29/10-23-12/ PS Sending you so much love. -Liz

  • Paul

    Amanda thank you for sharing all these lovely memories of Becca. I can’t help but feel that in a way she is not going anywhere for a long, long time.

  • Heather

    I didn’t know Becca, although I did once send her an Mp3 of my music and she took the time to write back and say she liked it. But I was a huge fan of the Bee Charmer; it was the only music blog awesome enough to follow continuously for years. There was always some secret treasure to be found, she managed to convey an absolute love of music in so few words, the kind of musical zeal that i recognize in myself. So much so that there’s a playlist on my iPod labelled “The Bee Charmer”, full of stuff just from there. Putting on my headphones today I wondered what I should listen to and suddenly I knew. Some songs I’ll always associate with Becca from now on.

    Not to trivialize the unfathomable loss felt by her loved ones, but in my own little way there’s now a Becca-shaped hole in the Great Music Adventure.
    I’m sorry for your loss, Amanda. xxx

  • nicole_fcd

    I didn’t know Becca, but reading this I wish I’d had the chance to. I can’t imagine how you must be feeling – you were so brave to do the show so soon after you heard. I don’t think I would have had the strength to do that.

  • Becky

    Thank you for sharing her life with us. It sounds like she would have been a freaking awesome librarian.

  • http://twitter.com/rainbowziggy Leslie McJagger

    There are no words to express how sorry I am for your loss. No words, ever.

    Reading this, I can tell why you loved her so much. I never met her, but I wish I’d known her. I can’t comprehend your loss, and I can’t even comprehend her being gone when it seems she was such a force of nature, such a unique individual. I’ve cried at her memory and she wasn’t mine at all.

    The two of you were so fortunate to find each other.

    And I thank you so much for sharing, for so entirely explaining Becca to us. For making us feel like we knew her too, because she really was something special. Someone who, even in memory, can inspire the rest of us to be better, to not let anything stop us from being ourselves. And she’ll be with you always, in that way. Nothing will ever completely take Becca away from you.

    My thoughts are with you. xxxxxxxxxx

  • Mirell

    Dear Amanda,

    I just want to share (the link to) a poem that I tought of while reading your blog about Becca Darling. Probably you know it already …

    Arthur O’Shaughnessy – Ode

    We are the music makers,
    And we are the dreamers of dreams,
    Wandering by lone sea-breakers,
    And sitting by desolate streams;—
    World-losers and world-forsakers,
    On whom the pale moon gleams:
    Yet we are the movers and shakers
    Of the world for ever, it seems.

    […]

    (http://en.wikisource.org/wiki/Ode_(O%27Shaughnessy)

    With love, Mirell

  • Klementine

    I cannot imagine the pain of having to deal with something as horrible as the loss of someone so obviously wonderful and close to you. But your words are perfect. I’m sure that Becca would have been so enormously proud of you for capturing such emotion in your words and sharing them, and her, with all of us. Thank you.

  • Markus Müller

    I have never read a more moving obituary(Excuse me for eventually using the wrong words,my english is not as good as I want it to be)

    That”news” hit me this morning like a lightning bolt from a blue sky.

    I didn´t know Becca,but I´m sure that she was proud to call you, Amanda, her friend.

    And I would do so,too.

    Markus Müller,Berlin

  • mm

    yesterday in zurich, you telling the crowd about that girl not wanting to make a few steps towards you to put her hands in the air and hold you and that the only thing one could do in this situation would be to get down and hug that girl… it made me light up and the only right thing to do would have been to just hug you for that! I wish more people were giving as you are, willing to make a step towards somoene maybe a little lost and give them your love.

    Who knows why some of the good souls have to leave so early.. but you gave her so much and got so much in return.. all the love you gave eachother stays with you and makes you stronger and more alive. thank you for sharing your love and your passion – a big hug from an admirer (slightly freezing and feeling like an Eisbär :) ) Ich hab dich lieb

  • http://twitter.com/Esmertina Esmertina Bicklesnit

    I’ve started and deleted a dozen comments. I’ve tried to express how awe-struck I always am at the talent and creativity of the people who surround you, and how following you on Twitter and reading your blog and being a fan in general has introduced me to an enormous cast of supporting characters, some of whom I have been lucky enough to meet, each of whom is a just plain quality human being (and who aren’t, of course, supporting characters in the life of Amanda at all, but richly complete stars of their own lives. But, you know.) Sometimes for fans it feels like following you and this network of friends on Twitter is like watching a reality show of the super talented, and when we’re really lucky we get pulled into the cast for a few seconds with a reply or a retweet and we get all giddy.

    I never met Becca, I was only vaguely aware of her as part of the circle, someone who was friends with the friends of Amanda I followed. I didn’t even know she was Melissa Mahoney, who I absolutely adore and have watched over and over and gigglesnorted with delight each time.

    But I have read the tributes to her, and they have twisted my gut. Not as if I had lost a friend, exactly, but as if the world has. Someone who made this a better planet to be on, and who touched the lives of so many people I admire, is gone. When I’ve cried at the end of Lost the past few days, I’ve cried about Becca, this woman I have never met, but who I want to believe is not lost forever.

    Thank you for sharing her with us. I’m just gonna hit “Post” now before I delete again.

  • http://twitter.com/balive2love Meagan Elizabeth

    *Opening Scene: The Earth portrayed as a giant beehive.

    I thought of this analogy while gardening around a ton of busy bees, they were on every flower in my garden beds. I continued to pull weeds and a few of them landed on my bare hands, then buzzed off to pollinate another flower. I thought to myself, I am a beecharmer, they know I am not here to hurt them.
    I stared at their beauty, watching their translucent wings, listening to their quiet hums.
    A few weeks later, I looked up at a tree in my yard, and hanging on the highest branch was a giant beehive.
    I closed my eyes and said, “Thank you for the sign, Mom”.

    It makes me wonder how Becca came up with that title for herself/blog (or maybe, someone else did).
    It assures me that we are all connected–somehow, someway, somewhere over the rainbow (double).

    “Don’t give up! I believe in you all.
    A person’s a person, no matter how small!
    And you very small persons will not have to die
    If you make yourselves heard! So come on, now, and TRY!” ~ Dr. Seuss

    “Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.”
    Though sometimes attributed to Dr. Seuss without a citation of source, this is more often cited as merely an anonymous proverb.
    This quote has been attributed to Gabriel García Márquez, in Spanish: “No llores porque ya se terminó… sonríe, porque sucedió.”
    Source: http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Dr._Seuss

    May all who adored and loved Becca Darling find comfort in the joyful memories during this time of sorrow.

    Amanda,
    See you on November 13th…There is going to be a total solar eclipse.

    Peace, Love, Dove, Crash Pads & Incense (In Sense),
    Meagan…Me Again

  • Karin

    thank you so much for sharing, this is a wonderful thing to do, I now have even more respect and admiration for your show in Trix, I’d like to believe she was there in one way or another, enjoying every second of it with the rest of us music lovers, whish you lot’s of love and strength

  • En

    What beautiful souls, both of you.

  • http://www.facebook.com/rebekah.johnson.374 Rebekah Johnson

    Excellent summary of who appears to be an excellent person. You did her a great favor by sharing some fun anecdotes and wonderful pictures to show the world this amazing person you knew. Thank you for sharing. I really enjoyed, made m.e laugh and cry

  • pickles

    thanks so much for writing this. as someone who loved becca dearly, it took me a while to have the courage and the ability to read all of this. there is only so much crying one can do in a day after all. it was amazing to read all the stories she told me over the years from a different side and instead of crying, it often made me smile as i remembered her telling them so vividly. i’m so sorry you weren’t there for everything as you were such a dear and important part of her life.

    the last photograph, by the way, is one i took. i am touched that you love it so much–it’s one of my absolute favorites. i still remember the day i took it, which was probably about eight years ago now. and it’s still a picture do this day that i reference in my own work. if you’re interested, i just wrote a brief blog post about it on my tumblr last night (http://ohthelines.tumblr.com/post/34880346900/outside-the-world-is-blurry-ink-ink-wash-on).

    sending you love.

    xxo

    pickles

  • Clover Renn

    My heart goes out to you, Amanda. There is nothing more difficult than losing a loved one. I wish with all the affection in my heart that I could embrace you right now, and take away this pain for you. Except that feeling means that her life meant something great to you. It means that the world is now lacking without her here. She reminds me of my best friend, and if I ever lost her, I don’t know what I would do. I’m glad Neil was there for you, and although some of us have never been directly involved in your life, you have all of us to lean on, should you need it. You’ve helped so many of us, and we are here for you, my lovely, beautiful, caring, kind Amanda. You have friends that will help you through this, and in time, the pain will ease. I’m positive that Becca is at peace. A life that was lived is a life not wasted, no matter how short.
    Big Great Hugs <3

  • http://mataduvor.blogg.se

    <3

  • anonymouslywritten

    i only knew becca for about six months. she touched my heart though, this piece was beautifully written, and brought me to tears several times, thank you so much for sharing.

  • Miserichik

    Upon reading this, I had to text my best friend (for 20+ years even though we just reconnected after 20~!) and tell her I love her and that I am glad she’s here. Losing a good friend is one of the most heartbreaking things ever, especially when they die suddenly and without a final goodbye. Amanda, you’re amazingly brave and loving and I’m sure that London crowd would have carried you for hours had to you wanted to rant, rave, and rail about your loss. Your words about Becca Darling are beautiful and make her memory awesome, even to those of us who never met her. Much love and support to you.

  • http://twitter.com/carolinedoree caroline doree

    So sad, so much beauty, can’t stop crying x

  • http://twitter.com/brangwy Elanor

    Hi Amanda,

    I’m just catching up on things, so I wanted to say how sorry I am that your friend is gone. Everything you’ve said about your friend is beautiful. I know this will be with you for the rest of your life and it reminds me very much of when my best friend died at the very beginning of the first semester of my last year of college. I had just arrived at school when I got a page (it was the late 90’s) from my dad. He only did that when it was important so I called him from my friends office and to this day I don’t remember what he said to me. I remember the details I learned, but not his words. I do remember I kept telling my dad that it was ok, probably because he was telling me he was sorry. It wasn’t ok of course. I don’t remember anything else that happened that day at all. I don’t remember if I cried. I don’t think I cried until his memorial service actually. At his memorial I told a story about how we were chased by wild boars while on a hike, then I sat down again and cried.

  • Avery (formerly an Amanda)

    something is aligning these days to the point where coincidence is commonplace but no less soul-shaking. my dearest and best friend of 15 years killed herself just a few days prior to this post. katie was the corin tucker to my ian mackaye and together we tore apart our tightassed little private school from day one. that’s us in our awkward seventeens circa 2002. she left for college and despite being on different coasts we still saw each other and spoke as often as possible. she married her beautiful wife a few years ago, to which i begrudgingly wore a dress so i could be a bridesmate. now she’s gone. i don’t know if it’s ever going to get easier…i’ve gone through every species of grief twice over and not an hour goes by where she’s not on my mind. we traveled the world together, we were honest and candid with few but each other. wherever becca is, i hope katie’s there too.

  • boianachronism

    i’m so incredibly sorry for you’re loss. i would say if you needed anything…but i’m sure you are being well taken care of. she sounds like one hell of a friend. remember to take care of you.

  • Nikki

    I guess it means you’ve made it when you don’t get to say goodbye to your loved ones. I’m sorry for your loss. I had a slight glimpse into what an outstanding person she was and I’m sure you valued her friendship. I hope their is a tribute in the making.

  • itrademyoldshoesfornewfeet

    ”the more hate you can stomach the more love you can feel”

  • http://www.facebook.com/carsten.wuertz Carsten Wuertz

    What a sad story! The soul-bearer… Why is it that music’s greatest lovers and talents often have to go so fast like shooting stars? I really hope there’s music out there in “eternity”, that would be Heaven. Nothingness is just too much to take. Fuck nothingness!

  • http://coinoperatedbear.deviantart.com/ CoinOperatedBear

    I am so, so very sorry for your loss Amanda :( This was a beautiful tribute.

  • Bob

    I haven’t cried so hard in a awhile… I didn’t know her. But I felt this.

  • wiccabasket

    I lost a friend about a year ago. She was 19 years old and as bright as the brightest thing. It was the stupidest thing – her bookcase fell on her one night in her flat. She lived alone, and it killed me to think how scared she must have been in the last moments of her life. It was a little bit of a relief to hear that she would not have been aware of it (massive head trauma).

    It kills me now to think of all that energy being dissipated into nothingness. Then I remember that it HASN’T. Because we still remember her, and are inspired by her enthusiasm for life, which she had in buckets. She grew up with a heroin addict mother, yet was so innocent and naive and trusting and full of hope. That is what I remember the most.

    Each of us carry a mental map of where our loved ones are. We can see them in their home or in their gardens. We can imagine them in work. When they die, there’s a horrible period during the grieving process where they disappear from it. We see them lost, we see them distant, and we see them alone., but we cannot see them in their normal place. This fades over time and they (and in turn we) become…calmer. We start to feel them in our memories instead and we can accept that this is where they live now – and they once more have a place in that mental map.

    This is what you are doing, when you commit her soul to text. You are anchoring her in your mental map and in ours too. Because this is what we do for people we love when we lose them. Its right and proper, and you’ve done her proud.

  • RebeccaP

    It’s sad when the world loses a gentle soul. I have lost some friends this way, too, mostly through suicide. It is hard to understand why a person feeling this way wouldn’t reach out for help from those that love them. Even after years have passed, I still miss my friends that have been lost this way and wonder how their lives would have turned out had they decided to struggle on. Maybe things inside of them or outside of them would have changed for the better. I don’t think there is ever a way that the loss of these lives will be acceptable to me. I sort of see them as fallen angels/fallen soldiers. They came to earth for awhile and contributed something to make life different, sometimes better. Life in the world became too hard on them and they had to take leave of it. It was a private choice. Many good, valuable lives end this way, I think. It’s really a sad thing.

  • http://www.facebook.com/lasara.firefox.allen.mpnlp Lasára Allen

    Amanda, you words touch me so deep inside. I mourn for your Darling Becca, and I rejoice in your love.

    Big Love. Love that splits us open. Splits us wide. It’s messy; heart pulsing, sticky and warm, and smelling of salt and water and blood, in the subtle light of a nearly forgotten moon.

  • http://twitter.com/corre_lola Evey,

    OMG i just cried so hard :c

  • Adam A. Annable

    You & Brian welcomed me into the Boston art scene back stage after a Halloween Dresden Dolls show in 2006. Becca welcomed me into Cloud Club one lonely Saturday night. You are good. Becca was my cherished friend. The two of you have left me forever changed.

    xoxo,
    Adam

  • http://twitter.com/RoseMitchellT Rose Mitchell

    I found this post by accident when I followed a twitter link to your post about cancelling some tour dates to be with your friend Anthony. When you said your friend becca had recently died, my stomach flipped. I clicked through your posts, and that’s how I found out she’s gone.
    becca and I were housemates for a semester at Smith and we were fast friends. she introduced me to you, to Regina, to Kat Power…. lots of musicians who have “been there” for me since then. we lost touch over the years, especially since I quit facebook, and I never imagined I’d “accidentally” find out about a friend dying, but here I am, learning this awful news and not knowing what to do about it. I love your remembrances. I remember when they made you those soul boxes. I remember how much she loved you. She cried over you losing your voice but continuing to play gigs anyway, because she wanted you to take better care of yourself. I never understood it, but I do now. she loved you a lot.
    One thing I haven’t read about her in all these remembrances, though, is what an amazing piano player she was in her own right. we probably pissed off a lot of our francophile housemates with our endless duets (she played, I sang) on the house’s piano. lots of Tori Amos, as I remember.
    so, she’s been dead for 2 months now and I’m just finding out. I will hold my friends and family closer. I will listen to Tori and sing at the top of my lungs on my way home today. I’ll find my photos of her and send them to you. I will remember all of her goofiness and smile.
    thanks for sharing.

  • http://twitter.com/theinkling The Inkling

    I lost a new friend back in September from complications of child-birth. She had spent all her 26 years waiting to be a mother, and she died in becoming one. It was so confusing, and unfair. I had met her once, and had made plans to help her when the baby came. We were so excited to finally have girlfriends, since we usually spent time with men.

    Everything you described sums up the feeling of loosing a friend suddenly to a tee. It helps to hear others talk about similar losses. Like, the more normal grief feels, the more a part of life it becomes, the less scary it is.

  • Thina Hederstedt

    I am so very sorry Amanda. I had a dear friend with a brilliant mind pass away on me 8 moths ago. he was only 24, but so wise, so generous, musical, he wrote poetry and he could have been something big, not just in my life but for others as well, one day. but he took an overdose of (legal) pills. I still miss him every day. :(
    but we have to try and remember the happy times. fight the memories battle against forgetting. our beloved angels.

    hugs from sweden

  • Courtney Powers

    This is a simply beautiful and moving tribute to a young woman whose soul you now care for, and whose friendship you will always treasure. Thank you for sharing her with us.

  • Molly

    I knew her too, and she was dating a 66 year old drug addict when she passed away who was really screwed up. Do they know what happened to her?

    • marty

      Thank-you for this. I hate how when someone dies, parts of who they are are repressed by those who remember them. They begin to sound like a Disney character. She had her demons.

  • Aly

    Hmmm… that piece Becca wrote about being a statue in Northampton hits home, I think everyone that has lived there (or at least me and everyone I knew) feels similar forces and currents of emotion. A glorious aching sadness. I haven’t felt it quite the same anywhere else.

  • Max Kelly

    My deepest condolences, Amanda. I’ve lost enough friends along my to route to 50, to have a deep sense of how you might be feeling. Life is hard for some, for many. Looking at your friends photos and reading her poem, looking at her Bee Charmer blog, I get a strong sense of a porcelain delicacy. She was indeed very beautiful. She will always live on with you and those that love her. Kia kaha xx

  • Kat

    I just want you to know that i have read this blog, after being directed to it from your latest mailout. And I watched all the videos. Now her memory has spread some more. You both are so beautiful. xx

  • Miranda

    I couldn’t even finish reading it, I started crying. Such a beautiful memorial to an obviously lovely person. <3

  • Christine

    Thank you for remembering becca in this beautiful way. Smith College is doing a fundraiser tonight and my heart stopped when I saw a post making a donation in Rebecca Rosenthal’s memory. I was the same class year except I took time off…I didn’t know her personally. But you’ve literally done a most tremendous and beautiful job of making her true beauty a living element we can all hold close. My hands are trembling.Thank you, with the ferocity of cries in the night that echo long and far, both hauntingly mourning loss and ringing true to say “WE MUST LIVE TO LOVE AND BE TRUE TO OURSELVES, which should be the same thing”, even now, even late after her passing – thank you for your words, they do not go unnoticed and won’t be wasted on anyone. A beautiful memoir, and I send my sisterly love to you and those who loved her.

  • attila the hunnie

    I don’t know why I always come to this blog post and read it when I’m depressed because it makes me so much more depressed and I end up crying the rest of the night. I think it’s because it makes me realize that I don’t know if I have anyone who would mourn me like you have mourned Becca. Yes I have friends, but would they be devastated if I suddenly passed? I’m not sure. I feel a lot like Becca…she and I have similar tastes in music (you, Tori, Regina, and pretty much everyone on her blog) and I love love love sharing new music with people, most of who don’t really care though. I wish I had someone like you who would appreciate my discoveries and love the songs as much as I do. You both were very lucky to have each other in your lives. She sounds like a person who I would want to be friends with.