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alone & grateful & losing

August 20, 2008

This blog was originally posted to The Dresden Dolls Diary.

things have been going extraordinarily well but too fast.
and i am dizzy.

i did a mini-tour of the states (new york, chicago, toronto, LA and san fran) and then without going home I came over to europe and did four festival shows with brian,
now three more solo shows in germany and london. then i’m going to haul myself up to edinburgh just to be there. then i am coming back to london for the video shoot
for “leeds united”. fancy fancy fast fast fast.

my life is shifting. touring solo is unfamiliar, but it’s so so so good. i’m getting used to it.
playing solo and then playing with brian and going straight back to solo was certainly weird and educational.

the thing that i didn’t anticipate or think too much about is how different my gauge is when i’m playing alone.
i had gotten so used to always factoring brian into everything it that breaking myself of the pattern is weird.
it’s all me now, there’s no drummer factor, at all. this has it’s pros and cons. it’s a little lonely but it’s also not.
sometimes being onstage with brian, when we weren’t connected, made it feel impossible to connect to the crowd.

when alone, the shows can become completely impulsive and random, and they have been.
but i feel a little like pavlov’s dog waiting for the shock to kick in.
i’m sure it’s similar to the feeling you have when you get divorced or break up with a long-term lover.
you’re excited by the liberation but you also miss the routine, however complicated.

i’ve been feeling more grateful than usual.

grateful to ben folds, for making this fucking amazing record for reasons i am still trying to comprehend.
grateful to neil gaiman, for appearing magically and writing for me and being my friend.
grateful to emily white, my manager, for being back in my life and being so passionate about music and her work.

this is starting to sound like the acknowledgments of a book.
but i’m feeling it, fuck it.

grateful to beth hommel, my incredible assistant, for coming into my life right when i needed help badly and making EVERYTHING go.
where i would be without her right now, i’m not sure, but i’m pretty sure i’d be on Planet Fucked.
grateful to brian, for being in a band with me and teaching me more than he’ll ever know.
grateful to psycho dave, for touring with me and getting me a band-aid last night.

grateful to the universe in general for setting shit up. i can’t believe it worked.

however…..

i have been losing and breaking things.
i don’t like travel for this reason.
i feel like i’ve gotten RELATIVELY more responsible as the years pass.
i don’t lose things as easily as i used to. i used to lose keys and wallets with astounding frequency.

but when you are, for several weeks in a row, on a daily treadmill of taxis, hotel rooms, planes, trains, cluttered dressing rooms with no tables,
restaurants and friend’s houses, with people milling around you and loud music playing, things get lost. they get broken.
i try to let things go.
i try not to get upset.
i try to see wasted money and lost irreplaceable clothing as ephemeral, and then i wonder if that only makes me more prone to losing things.

in LA, i lost my iPod. i bought a new one. but the record’s leaked ANYWAY.

in hamburg last night, i lost my favorite jacket. but it’s relatively warm today.

somewhere in california i lost my cap. i really liked it. but my head must not be covered for survival.

in Utrecht i cut my hand open on my ukulele case. but the cut wasn’t too bad and i have a nice pretty bandage and my sister had some neosporin.

in chicago, i lent emilyn “cupcake punk” brodsky my socks. she offered to give them back at the end of the night, actually, but things had just gone too far. it wasn’t worth

also in chicago, someone stepped on my mac. the screen became modern art. that someone was kate lane.

BUT…..they know me at the mac store, so a few days later the guys in new york HOOKED ME UP with a new screen. for free. life is wonderful that way. (thanks mac store!)
and kate lane felt really bad and so in exchange, she gave me her pony sweater that i had been coveting. and so i got my mac fixed AND i got the pony sweater. i was almost glad it happened.
am i terrible?

dear amanda,
you stupid cunt.
why don’t you keep your iPod in one fucking place and keep track of it when you lend it to people?
and why didn’t you put your jacket away in your suitcase? you loved your jacket. now it’s gone forever.
and why did you leave your fucking computer on the floor where someone could step on it?
you are an irresponsible child and i hate you.
will you ever mature and take care of your shit?
way to go, fuckface.
love,
amanda

dear amanda,
i know, i know, i know.
please forgive me.
tour is a bitch. life becomes random.
i am trying.
please love me,
amanda

i am somewhat terrified because i am about to embark on a fucking 3 month tour with TWELVE PEOPLE (zoe, jason, lyndon, my crew and the whole danger ensemble)
in venues the same size as the ones we’ve been playing. there’s been almost no privacy and space and we’re currently a touring party of TWO (me & psycho dave). .
it’s going to be an interesting life. we might kill each other.
I wonder what i can do to never lose anything.

maybe i should just not HAVE anything.
but i sort of NEED things.
clothes keep me warm, my iPod carries my music, my computer keeps my life in place.
i am in a bind here. fuck.

random photos from tour….:

backstage feeling torn between solitude and ponies.

me & dad in LA, singing leonard cohen. it was awesome.
sadly i don’t think anyone filmed it.