a portait of the artist still in fucking bed

new york. the sound of the traffic travels up here to this little room.

i leave the windows wide open overnight, so outside can come as in as it can come.

i wake up with a head full of amanda-voices and for once i manage to stay half asleep and half awake and let them simmer while i watch. i have my mind and my ideas and my whole self back after a month or so of almost total absence. the summer of horror can now be nicely and neatly packaged up into a story with a beginning and an end and finally my stuffed-lately brain is freed up to eat what it most enjoys: this next record, which i’ve spent all day fucking talking about in theory with people in offices but not the music the music the music, that part never gets disucssed, it’s for my head, for the recording studio later, for the shows, for later, later, later but my head wants it now, now, now. my new songs are swimming in my ears and i let them sing to me, half-finished; i listen to my own lyrics and tweak them, i imagine the start of the record and play with the song order even though nothing’s recorded. and i bask in the self-glow of anticipation. i had a theory when i was 15 that anticipation was the highest human emotion. and always better than the thing anticipated. i thought maybe i’d figured out something that adults hadn’t discovered and that my enlightened philosophy might actually be of use to the world. i would spread this theory : “but isn’t it actually more enjoyable the second BEFORE you bite in the cookie” i would demand of my poor tablemates during lunch time. “isn’t it the LOOKING FORWARD to the dance because when you actually get there it’s always a disappointment but up until that moment all you can do is think about what MIGHT happen and isn’t that BETTER? ISN’T IT ISN’T, ISN’T, ISN’T IT????”

little zen amanda.

then i read “the ode on a grecian urn” and realized somebody beat me to my theory by a hundred years or so. kinda.

there: on my mind’s movie screen is my blurry vision of the album artwork, i draw blurry sound pictures in my head, i coordinate blurry photo shoots in my head, i go blurry costume shopping for vintage junk jewelry and blurry military jackets for the band (they don’t look blurry), i route our european festival tour wondering if we’ll be able to do our entire show in daylight or if we’ll have to cut the projections, i hear the shimmering layers of overdubs blasting into bridges that i need to write, i picture everything as a complete work of art, from the sounds of the brass to the arrival of the bizarre little 7” in some teenager’s mailbox in canberra australia. and the YAAAAAAA.

i try to remember what it was like to wait for something in the mail.

didn’t arcade fire write a song about this, recently?

i can’t remember the last time i was actually happy to see a brown box land on my doorstep. but it used to be one oft he happiest moments in my life. especially before opening.

sometimes i would wait on purpose, a self-imposed christmas.

god, i can’t wait to start making this record.

bed alone in the morning first thing is the perfect place for this kind of fantasizing. it is best for thinking if it’s warm and gray out with a cool breeze rushing occasionally in, with the sounds of seagulls, the diffused light filling up the room like an indoor cloud.

man cannot live in bed alone.

ba doom ching.

but i close my eyes and roll around under the comforter like a happy little sausage, and let the dulcet sounds of moving trucks over a wet city soundtrack my happiness.

when i was a little girl, we used to go visit my father and elaine in new york city. we’d stay the weekend. my sister and i would sleep in the den, on beds at right angles, and the windows would be open even in winter, letting up the sounds of the street. it was like a lullaby to me. at home in lexington, in my big lonesome bedroom in the suburbs, i would stay awake, tossing and turning and listening to the silence, wondering what was going to appear from my closet and eat me. the old shutter-style closet door wouldn’t stay shut so i had a complicated arrangement of rubber bands to keep it absolutely closed at night, lest it swing open and the monsters come and eat me. the nightlight had to be on. the door to the hallway had to remain open. i demanded a cat at all times. and if the cat left the bed i’d sink into terror. awake for hours. in new york, the street cacophony and the room filled with hard and soft ever-moving city lights put me out like an ambien and a bottle of wine. the comfort of knowing that life was continuing; that i was surrounded by humans, that business went on a few stories down from my little head. there were no monsters to fear, there were people everywhere, and the monsters – for me at least, i’m sure there were other children with other issues – could not be where the people were….it just didn’t work that way.

but every minute awake from the time of realization is one more minute away from the magic-brain…the door starts shutting the moment i open my eyes. the reality of the day and of the moment starts flooding in. i stop thinking about the conceptual beauty of my next record album, and start getting distracted by the to-do list. i remember how much i like food. and coffee. i try to find a good spot for the pillow between my legs to keep my hips apart so they don’t get sore if i fall back asleep. i remember who i am. i remember last night.

soon, it’s gone.

soon, i’m wondering if i should actually write that blog i’ve been meaning to, for years, about how much i fucking love waking up and not getting out of bed and just trying to lie there, to bottle the magic-brain of half-waking like a potion, to dwell in that almost holy liminal space on my mental tiptoes, desperately not wanting not wake my rational self, she who Does. the sirens, the horns, the trucks on the wet city, they help block out the reality, they don’t suck me back in. they make music i love.

here, i’m awake, almost, i blog.

i could have just gone to get coffee and started the fucking day.

congratulations, me.

and how are you this morning?

Back to Blog
  • Ian Black

    Sleepy, Amanda. Very sleepy.
    Xx

  • HunterLionheart

    I’m good thanks. Bowl of rice chex?

  • Sandi Leggitt

    Good morning Amanda. I am also just barely awake, and half-groggy, half-dazed. I wish I could wake up like this every morning, and not only on the mornings that I don’t have to be somewhere super early.

  • Shauna Becker

    I am good this morning. I think you have more energy first thing in the morning than I manage all day. I am in awe. And cats totally keep monsters away. I still demand a cat at all times.

    • Marzipans11

       Cats do keep monsters away, but I’m wondering how you keep the cat on the bed. Cats do whatever the f*** they want. Nobody can beat ‘em for purr power, but dogs do kinda win for loyalty. :P

  • Wyrdgrrl

    Clearly, Neil is not the only writer in the family. Well done, milady.

  • saga

    By all means, write, write, write.
    It’s half day in Spain. Still on my pijamas, writing. I think you should get some coffee, the rest will come.

  • http://www.Kambriel.com Kambriel

    I woke up inexplicably at 4 Am today, about one minute before a heavy rain unleashed itself outside the window.  I saw some old childhood drawings/writings/lesson books, and one had a phrase in it that said,

    “Being Free is jumping, without ever falling”.

  • http://twitter.com/taralaraboom Tara Scott

    job well done!  nothing like writing when the mood strikes you.  i love the sound of the city.

    this morning i’m at work, listening to KEXP.  they’re playing all music from 1991 as a dedication to nirvana’s ‘nevermind’ release 20 years ago today.

    DJ john talked about how amazing my bloody valentine’s ‘loveless’ is, and i thought of you, since the first blog post i ever read of yours was about the cure. you mentioned ‘sometimes’ and told your readers to put it on, so i did. it was love at first listen.

    ah, the internet.  it spreads love.

    happy morning. :)

  • girl

    Bleeding like a stuck pig.

    • https://twitter.com/#!/libbyking punksocks

      crap.

  • jolenemeghan

    I’ve just woken up from a night of music &drinking &friends. So I’m disappointed the night has ended but excited for what could happen tonight. And just for the record, I’m still in bed. :) Once again, thanks for putting my thoughts into words

  • Dreamingjoy61

    I needed that. And now…needed sleeping..everyones morning is my good night.

  • Steven Curtis

    I woke up, showered, dressed, made sushi and made it to work. It’s a busy morning in a quiet season and I am still half asleep. The black coffee to my side isn’t waking me up. I’m regretting not bringing my Gary Numan CDs with me and wishing I could poi in the lobby of the store. 

    Thanks for asking!

  • Vtraddict

    I’m at the opposite end of the day – that ineffectual but inspirational phase of almost-sleep that comes at the end of a long, long week but before actually falling asleep.

    I’m thinking about the things that have gone before, the things that are going on and the things that are yet to become – often all at once, in an intertwining maelstrom of half-realised, semi-formed ideas.

    Thanks for asking… ;)

  • http://alexandriash.livejournal.com/ Andria

    I’m at the office and still not awake yet.
    But that’s like every other day I come into work, so Ha-HAH!
    (see? not awake)

    I have a package sent to me from an acquaintance in the UK (not sure if we’re friends…we follow each other on Twitter and Instagram, and occasionally we remember the other has an infrequently updated blog, but I send her daughter some Hello Kitty stuffs from here in the States so I got some goodies in return so…yes?) that’s been sitting in my living room for three days because the coolness of having a package from ENGLAND in my living room is SO! EXCITING! and what if I don’t like what’s inside (because I really have No. Idea. what’s in there)?  I HAVE A PACKAGE FROM BRIGHTON IN MY LIVING ROOM. How cool is that?

    tl;dr I totally get what you’re talking about with anticipation. 

  • Beadle

    I’m doing better than I had expected, thanks. I’m running on a cup-and-a-half of coffee already, sitting on a bench out side of BU. I’ve got my first chemistry lab today, so my coat and goggles are shoved in my bag. I’ve come to the conclusion that Chem 101 is not actually meant to teach chemistry, but to break the wills of as many possible students. Trying to stay in there.
    German test in 14 minutes. I seriously wish I had more time for that, though. Ich leibe meine Deutschklasse, aber es gibt mich keine Freizeit.

  • Jonny Monolioth

    I got drunk last night with an ex co-worker who went to Burning Man. I don’t smoke, but something about his stories made me wants cigarettes, so I ran out and bought some. On the way back I watched a woman slap her boyfriend twice and scream at him “DON’T DO DRUGS!” and a teenage girl flicked her cigarette at me, laughed and ran. Then a bleached blonde and a small Paraguayan girl told me why the dark side of humanity was the better one. God damn I love drinking in New York.

  • Ryan_Anas

    Beautiful thoughts to wake to!

    I awoke to a silent grey soup of cool breeze occasionally cut by the sound of a car or a passing conversation. My bedroom, essentially a walkin closet with high brownstone ceilings, is the perfect space to wake to. Small, cosy, but also open and tall, with a huge window a few feet from my feet. When I wake up I feel so untied from this world, and from myself. Slowly, the art and objects of my room tie me back to me. The docked tall ship to my right, the painting of the block island coast my friend’s mother painted. The ballerina painting I bought at a yard sale from the daughter of the woman next door who passed away. The Ziggy Stardust poster on the door behind my headboard, the callender next to my bed. They all start to tell the story of my Fay and who I am and what I may become today.

    I love that time before, and that time in-between this coming back to myself. Sometimes, when i wake up, I feel like I’m in a completely different space than I really am. This happened a lot when I was a kid and spent the weekends at my greandparents house. I would wake up there and swear, like I could FEEL my own room around me. We are what we think and feel. No doubt.

    Love talking and writing out these kinds pf thoughts. Thank you for this blog, and for asking about my morning. I feel calm, ready for the demands on my heart, my hip is pretty stiff, nut I have a yoga class planed for today, and I can’t wait to work that shit out =)

    Love,
    Ry

  • RiverVox

    I went for a run (more like a jog) for the first time in 6 or 7 years which was a triumph. Now if I can do it again and find some beginner yoga. My mother-in-law was in a car crash yesterday and I need to go to the hospital and tow truck lot in Watertown but I can do it because I’M ON FIRE today. XOXO

    • http://twitter.com/pang5 Disce Pati

      Hope your mother-in-law will be ok, RV. Good luck and well done on the run! I’m a non runner but really this fitness thing might not be all bad, I guess…hmmm. 

      • RiverVox

        Thanks DP! She is resting at home, very sore, but OK. I too am a non-runner, but time has a way with catching up to you and I feel the need to say fit and flexible.

  • Kathmuse

    Just had some nice, fresh, yummy sweet corn for breakfast. I’m in bed, too, doing last-minute planning for the Ig Nobel Ceremony on Thursday. Yay bed!

    ~k

  • Portshores

    I am very tired thank you. Had to be in to work this morning at 4:30am for an internal audit (meaning, I got to audit a process at work) I’m actually quite hungry as well since my body clock is all thrown off by the early ungodly hour in which I awoke. Counting down the hours until I can go home (2hrs!)

    I too like to have my window open at night as well to have the cool night air flow into my room so I snuggle further under the covers or hear the outside sounds of traffic or falling rain and occasional rumble of thunder. Bliss.

  • http://www.youtube.com/afpislove AFPisLOVE

    I am good this morning and I am glad you are too. It must be so magical to have all of those thoughts of your next record going through your brain. At least, you sure made it sound magical. But you do have a knack for drawing your fans into your thoughts. I give you that. And I give you lots of love. You truly are a very special and talented person. Don’t doubt that ever!

  • http://manwithhat.net Man With Hat

    You have well condensed the idea of half-sleep, the place where half of all ideas come from.

  • emma

    I am well and apparently healthy. This morning I got my first physical for probably 7 years. It was not so scary. Then I came home and watched The Avengers and contemplated bread-and-brie and read your journal so that I would then go write in my journal, and I’m going to go do that.

    Thank you!

  • http://twitter.com/grr_rar R Rabin

    I’m bolt-awake from the vision of a large huntsman spider descending down the screen of the laptop perched on my chest as I wavered in and out of sleep, (I’m at the other shore of the day). More effective than coffee, but man the timing’s all wrong.

  • CeciTart

    I do that anticipation thing with scratch of lotto tickets.  I love the heart thumping of just as I start to uncover the first few numbers, they could be anything!  Then it’s over all too fast.

    I also love that foggy brain place.  I have found a great deal of control over my dreams when I am more on the dreaming side of that soft place.  That feeling of utter dream control where I can be anything and do anything and have anything, those are to me the most intense feelings one can feel.  So real, for just then, and then if you’re lucky that feeling lingers into the waking and you lay there with this resonating echo of dream emotions. It’s fantastic.

    As for how I am this morning…I got my first rejection letter last night for the children’s book I wrote.  (Blake Says)  It feels kinda of surreal.  Sad to be rejected, happy someone read it.  Kinda of like I am on the first real steps of a chapter in my life that is yet to come.  Like I almost know that I will want to remember how this right now feels years down the road when life is different.  It’s exciting, even though it’s disappointing.

  • PolitelyOffend

    I am well. Reflective and very happy that it seems to be the start of anither creative period for me. Looking forward to the weekend with family and a gorgeous woman who is the first in a long time to make an impression on me in this way.
    Also, I am sitting in my favorite café in Amherst. Such Great Heights by the Postal Service just came on.
    Life is really amazing this morning.

  • Rhyska

    I like you very much, Amanda Palmer.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100001008871671 Rachelchen Kladderadatsch

    morning is gone long gone. it’s 18:26 here in good ol’ germany.
    i stayed in bed 40 minutues longer than i had time to this morning. yes, waking up but not waking up is a good state. that’s why my brother comes late to school EVERY FUCKING MORNING cause his fucking sister doesn’t want to be awake and leave her dreamy land to get to school punctually. who the fuck wants to?

    but now it’s friday, friday got to get down on friday!

    i always enjoy reading and learning something about your family and your childhood!
      i’m looking forward to the blog you tell us everything we may know about your childhood i think you said that you plan to write one, right? 
    i really enjoyed reading this very blog and i think it’s the best you’ve written for a long time.
    so… welcome back, amanda!
    love 
    rahel

  • David

    I’m lying in bed listening to the workers outside, wishing for rain and reading your lovely musings as I slowly slip from that liminal state into wakefulness.

  • Dav _

    too many words and not in the mood, but what I read of it was ok

  • http://twitter.com/JohnMCoons John Coons

    Oh, the Halfdream. I love and hate it- I can have fully realized songs/lyrics and have even gotten to the point now where I save them in a file on a dream laptop, confident that I can allow myself to wake up… and then I wake up and realize that the laptop and new song are gone. 

    You may be interested in this article- scientists are taking the first steps toward imaging what we see in our heads… which I think will eventually lead to a kind of A/V out of the brain for when we dream: http://www.towleroad.com/2011/09/seeing.html#more

    Hell, you could release a DVD of “Amanda Palmer goes on tour in her own head”- I’d totally buy that. 

    Also- “Man cannot live in bed alone” = why most relationships I know end (especially gay men who have very disparate personalities but great sex). Totally going to borrow that and introduce it to the gay brunch crowd. 

    In other news, I leave Alaska on Monday and land in Seattle a week from today to start my new life as a singer-songwriter. Rah. 

  • Ame Darling

    I’m GREAT!!! It’s my Birthday and I am starting an amazing weekend!! I too spent the last few hours drifting between awake and dream and got lost in the perfection of the morning and the feel of blankets and pillows and comfort with a lil sun peeking thru the window!! :) 

    Thanks for all you do Miss Amanda! I appreciate you always sharing so much of yourself. It helps remind me that we are all real and pretty much the same! :) (Even though our childhood monsters are different) Mine liked the light so everything had to be DARK!! 

    Mental Hugs to you! 

    Ame

  • Emma Bob

    I’m as good as someone can be from using photoshop for two whole days for an art project. My eyes feel like they’re going to drop out of my skull. My morning was brightened up when I went to the comic book shop near me and got the Evelyn Evelyn graphic novel. I read it while I was in the computer room at college while I was supposed to be doing my photoshop project thing, I kept hiding it when my tutor kept walking round, she never found out, but she probably thought I was off my rocker or thought I had drank too much coffee because I was grinning all day because of the epicness of Evelyn Evelyn. Well I’m still smiling now, and my mum probably thinks im nuts too. 
    I never did get any work done today.

    Keep being amazeballs!

  • https://twitter.com/#!/libbyking punksocks

    ahhh, i hope it’s the beginning of a productive day.

    so far this morning … i sulked, then multi-tasked meditating while cuddling my sick moxy (is it bad to steal that word, it’s such a good one), then made PORRIDGE for my sick love and lots of strong espresso, i fucking swept the floor, and promised not to get distracted by the internets before getting on to my missions – a task at which i failed buuuut that doesn’t matter because there was the PORRIDGE. no matter what happens today, there will always be the PORRIDGE.

    drink coffee. eat PORRIDGE. write like she-ra – by the power of ….

  • http://twitter.com/raliel robin stevenson

    indeed i grew up in the country and in the town….In the country the monsters are real and in the wind and the shadows of the trees, town noise and constant human life keeps them well at bay…but now…living in London, I miss the monsters of my childhood and wonder if they are lonely too

  • golden

    Hi Amanda,So I resigned from my Plan B job.  Can’t even call it plan b.  more like plan “i fell into this bulshit office work and it’s been slowly destroying my soul for the last 4 years”.   Four years is a long time – a high school life – or college life (maybe that’s longer – i didn’t make it through either).  This all culminated in the past year.  It’s been a painful year.  and still is.  I wrote you an email a year ago when troubles started. feel sort of bad about it now cause i know you get so many and it takes a large part of your energy.  i’ve been trying to piece it together and move on and i’m a musician so i started another band to channel all that sadness, depression, anger into (not as goth/emo as you’d think).  It helped but the depression got worse and i find out i have an un-diagnosed learning disability may be the source of a lot of past failures.  To quote warren ellis (the musician)”Ladies and gentlemen, you know when you’ve been in a hole for so long that you start to decorate it? This is a song about that.”http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rYoUL15ZFpA Yeah the wall paper is up.  Earlier this week it felt like the hole was stating to get filled with me still in it.  Tired of the  job, loneliness, depression, struggling and the last year feeling like perpetually falling down the stairs.  It all came crashing down this week with me lamely admitting to my boss i can’t do this job and i’m not right for it.  So now i sit hearing that same rain patter down and cars driving down wet streets and absolutely no idea where income will be coming from – it’s kind of freeing.there is still rent to pay, a recorded album to be mixed and paid for, a roommate to tell and income to find.  I was suppose to save up some living expenses for a few months then learn the trade i want while pursuing my music.  Oh well.  I’m sitting here not paying attention and all of a sudden its “fuck plan b” time and i’m a little caught off guard but i think about it and yes it makes perfect sense and it feels freeing and i kind love that that starting next week there is a huge open world of possibilities not just the same desk and chair and excel spread sheets and PPT docs about synergy (they really used that word at my company) so I’ll hoist that rag and march onto the battle field through the opposition of uncertainty to hopefully burst through and get a glimmer of creativity and freedom on the horizon even if it’s just for a moment.i just wanted to share my story – that’s where i am.  And I just want to thank you and neil soo so much (that’s really the whole point of this comment and it took a novel of whining & rambling to get there).  Reading your blogs and twitter and following your lives as artists has been a huge source of comfort when i was in the depths of drone-corporate world i never belonged in and a source of inspiration for my own art.  thank you thank you thank you.  truly.  Fuck this is so long and public.  I’m quiet and reserved in person but i figured you might see this here and maybe someone else will see it and maybe it’ll help nudge them out of plan b or at least provide a nice distraction while the tentacles of plan b are still wrapped around their submarine soul. Now i’m going to escape this beautiful city that holds the blood & memories of my ancestors and sit by a lake and build things with my hands for a few days.love to you and neil and everyone who bothered to read this.

    • http://twitter.com/pang5 Disce Pati

      Crossing my fingers for you, golden. Good luck to you. x

    • gattopardo

      that was beautiful and scary and all I can say is thank you for sharing. I am wishing with every scarp of mental power in me (unfortunately, a rare commodity these days for reasons not worth going into) for the absolute bestest, brightest, most mindblowing things to happen to you and your artistic endeavours. Hoist that thing proudly!  If your art is as genuine and sensitive as your post, a lot of people will see it, flock to it, celebrate it. And be darn proud of yourself too. 
      hugs and every good thing under the sky, in heaps :)
      PS-thanks for the Warren Ellis quote too.

      • gattopardo

        that should have read *scrap* not scarp…. what was I saying about mental power? yeah, none to be had.

  • golden

    holy formatting nightmare

  • Laura

    It’s an okay morning here. I’m sitting here in my pjs holding the couch down with my butt. Mornings half awake in bed are magical.

  • gattopardo

    this afternoon I am exhausted from three weeks of working 18-hour days for a cultural event I love to (my) near death.
    I am feeling like I can’t remember the last time I spent time with a friend or simply disconnected my brain from the perpetual email stream of requests to address and problems to solve.
    I am missing the ones I love, even the ones who don’t love me back (or maybe don’t miss me back, I guess I tend to connect one to the other)
    I am missing my dad like a 6 year old at her first summer camp even though I’m 33 and have lived away from home for over 10 years.
    And I am also counting my lucky stars I know you, that there is a person like you out there, writing like this, making music like you do, blogging and living her dreams out loud, glaming and struggling and bad-assing them into existence, all guts and glory, and so beautifully, like you do.
    So in addition to all I wrote above, today, dear Amanda Palmer, right now, parked in this office chair where I’ve been sitting for far too f*cking long, I am very happy, thanks to you. 

    grateful hugs and love. 

  • http://twitter.com/CeridwenT Ceridwen

    You make me feel less guilty for enjoying spending time on the bed after waking up. I hate when I have to jump out of bed right after waking up. It makes me feel bad the whole day :< Thanks for sharing your experience. It felt like reading a novel or watching a movie ;) Best wishes from Brazil! :D

  • Rose_grounds

    good morning to you amanda, good evening for me
    i’m on the third week of my fine art BA course, was finishing drawing/painting today, i’m getting used to living in a new place a few hours from home ( skye) , the course, people and town are fucking awesome, 
    i made buddy and so much friendship chemistry i’ve ever had before! :3
    I awoke this morning from weird dreams at 4 am then 5 then 6… hit 8 and i had to get up for woah banana, peanut butter on toast then porridge. nicccee put on my AFP shirt which is my favourite painted piece of clothing. a cafe mocha at the college and rearing to go.
    the monsters thing i’ve experienced, sometimes i would be glad having a friend stay over if i’d been having a week of mares and the like. 
    i’m really excited for you with the writing new music, hope it works out 
    your music is like food for me, sends me into a magical trance.  I remember after seeing you at the glasgow gig, i had a dream where me and my friend were at this house on a beach, we knocked on the door and my friend was shocked to see a woman that was me or you covered in blood… umm yeah woke up with a fright.
    anyway that was the most euphoric gig i’d ever been to.
     there was so much i wanted to say to you but you know when you meet someone you’re a fan of,  just incredibly shocked. what a rush man.  can’t wait to perform myself one day.
    take care xxxxxx 

  • http://orphicfiddler.deviantart.com/ Tess

    I want to hug this blog entry. It’s beautiful.

    Currently floating in the anticipation myself.  I’ve got the seeds of a novel and a couple of pages written and it’s going so well in my head that I’m practically drooling over the words that aren’t written yet.

  • http://twitter.com/BeakerMeeps Beaker Meep

    Meep meepmeep meepmeep. Meep meep meep meepmeep meepmeep meep, meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep. #HappyLittleMeepmeep

  • SerpaSas

    I’m alright. Kind of sick. Now lying in bed considering the above words, feeling deep.
    Except all I can come up with is that it reminds me of Legs in the book Foxfire by Joyce Carol Oates.

  • Size4riggerboots

     I get some pretty crazy dreams in that wake/sleep space, I just wish I could remember more of them. I did have one the other day that I recall in disturbing vivid clarity though; I got my breasts tattooed, one side was a monkey, holding something that didn’t work in the tattoo and got re-done as a coconut, and the other side was beautiful Art noveau lettering in blue and purple, with yellow highlights, the whole ensemble was tied together into a bikini with twisted vines.  Meanwhile a friend got a tattoo of her ex, which didn’t go well with her new fella… I woke up then, wondering what the fuck it meant.

    This evening, as it is here, I am full of good food, and trying to write my own blog about realising I’m not going to be a cadet for much longer and will have to go and get a proper job and actually be responsible for not crashing the ship.

    Kisses and caffine xxxx

  • http://maartendas.blogspot.com feeblemind

    Thanks for reminding me of that Arcade Fire album – listening right now and it’s uncanny how that song in particular sounds exactly like my 80’s and early 90’s childhood even if I didn’t know it sounded like that at the time.

    p.s.: I thought I was bad with my lie-in extravaganzas but you beat me, in fact you’re way beyond me. Makes me feel so much better about myself right now :D

  • http://lizzlie.livejournal.com/ Emily Eliza

    “little zen amanda” are just the most perfect three little words ever

    • Marzipans11

      If she ever gets tired of ‘amanda fucking palmer,’ she should switch to that. :D

  • Tuila

    Every time you share something from your childhood or teenager years, I send you a flower. It is the most beautiful flower I can think of. I hope you like it too. Thank you for sharing and thank you for being able to think of a beautiful flower. Because poor people can only send imaginary flowers. Thank you.

  • http://naturallydotty.wordpress.com Dragonsally

    I love that the child who had to keep the monsters away by a complicated arrangement of rubber bands married the man who makes those monsters come to life.  God, I love that.

    My cat demanded I get up and feed her when I was in that glorious state of not asleep this morning, bless her.  Now I am the only one awake in the house.

  • Llualyrr

    I am so overwhelming happy that you used the word liminal. That’s such an awesome word.

  • http://twitter.com/pang5 Disce Pati

    This was precisely why that little transistor radio was my treasure in bed in the quiet, dangerous hours of very very few carlights on a grim ceiling. It kept my bogeyman at bay because somewhere in the world it wasn’t quiet and still and waiting. Somewhere there was a voice talking, if not to me, then at least awake and talking to others. 
    Then, sadly, I was introduced to Play Misty For Me and that all went to hell. The tape. Tape did indeed kill my peace (however illusory.)
    Later, I still wonder if that was me not noticing what parents were up to or actually noticing what they were up to and wishing they weren’t. God help us all in our hours of need. God of whatever stripe from the hairy William Blake engineer to the tiny transistor crackling in a kids clenched hand. 

  • shannonem

    so many of your words resonated with me..the anticipation, the excitement of getting a letter (or a package) in the mail…the beautiful in between state on the edge of dreams and on the brink of wakefulness. I have always loved that time, but the trick for me is to be unaware of the moment; as soon as I realize the thoughts I think, they fade away and are lost to my conscious mind. thank you for reminding me to leave my windows open, to welcome in the quiet night. unlike you, I grew up in the country, where crickets kept me awake with their nocturnal chatter, and the monsters hide in the shadows and dark open spaces.
    keep on dreaming :)

  • http://scarygirl.tumblr.com/ scarygirl

    the sun woke me up, not a bad thing because then my room starts to glow, is nice. cat smooch then bike ride then rooibos, all good…do miss the magicbrain thing though, pain drugs = dull brain.

  • eliza

    actually woke up at 7, lay around half asleep til 8:30, changed from horizontal to vertical position and am still in bed by 10:00…  sun’s shining on my feet, I hear my neighbours waking up, having breakfast, while I’m alone in my little home, missing the company of my lover and not missing it at the same time, because I know he will probably think of me while waking up oder having breakfast or petting his cats or turning on his computer…and I can lie in bed and watch Castle all morning and I have all the time in the world. Can have my tea now or in an hour… can tend to my flowers now or later… can do my laundry today or tomorrow…

    As semester starts soon this is one of the last days to just let the day come to me, and I will do exactly that…

  • kjersti

    “something is about to begin
    there’s a restlessness in me
    keeps me up until the dawn
    there is no silence
    i will keep following the sirens
    there is no silence
    i will keep following the sirens

    these trees under my pillow
    in the twilight of these white nights
    these trees under my pillow
    in the bright light of these white nights”

    is how i am. only i’m not, because writing books and getting up in the morning and doing honest-to-blog therapy and creating good things, good spaces for myself, are all really hard things. but the lyrics are from oh land’s “white nights” – which has a fantastic, slightly corny, really beautiful music video. i recommend it.

    and i also sleep with a pillow between my legs.

    thanks for sharing, thank you for always sharing whatever you fucking want to share.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Flor-San-Roman/100000457660010 Flor San Roman

    ZOMG – someone else who finds it much, much easier to rest & breathe easy in the middle of a bustling city.  The quiet of small towns is just creepy – but mostly just feels like it’s missing something.  It catches at me and distracts me from my own thoughts.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100001008871671 Rachelchen Kladderadatsch

    oh, you know that awful feeling when you are dreaming a beutiful dream and and then you notice that you start to awake and the beautiful dream slowly fades away and anything you do against it only speeds up the process of entering real world?

    so i was just dreaming a beautiful dream and noticed that i’m staring to  be awake and the beautiful dream slowly faded away.

    so… i was dreaming of you announcing your first cookbook and when you wanted to tell your best court the dream stopped. also i didn’t catch when the cookbook will be published. that’s such a pity!

    now it’s up to you: give me tha answeres my dream couldn’t. can you cook at all?

  • insignifikunt

    This morning i woke up feeling quite sorry for myself as it’s day 7 of me being sick and i am meant to be flying to melbourne on tuesday to see kim boekbinder which won’t happen if my ear drum continues to be explodey…

    but i digress- love the blog and i relate in a way but i have all those thoughts and excitement more at night when i am meant to be going to sleep rather than in the morning when i wake up, which is one of the reasons i don’t get much sleep!  

    i also relate to the excitement over anticipation of something but it always ends up better when the thing you are anticipating ends up exceeding your expectations.

    i love that you appear so excited about your new music, i can’t wait to hear it!

    x

    p.s. most of the brown parcels that end up on my door step are from you, kim or other artists so i still get very excited about them as well!

  • quiklives

    I’m a day late, I see, mostly because I don’t have a job where I have extra time in the morning or internet at work. Yes, I am still in the very depths of plan b, partially because I’m not 100% sure what plan A is…I just know it’s not making fucking nail polish. But also partially because my wife is at HER fuckplanb cusp, and she’s been putting up with crazy bullshit for longer than me, so I want to support her in her transition. (Anyone need an amazing web and graphic designer? Seriously. http://www.asheabbott.com )  

    Point being, I rarely get to enjoy that half awake state except on the weekends now, and this morning I spent probably 20 minutes staring at the ceiling. It’s the only time I ever really feel solitude, I think. Any other time I feel very pressed-in-on by the people around me. Back home (NC) I used to go to the beach to be alone, but this is south FL, there are always people on every stretch of beach for 100 miles. 
    And I wanted to say thank you. I love reading your blog, and the comments. Saw someone teweeted yesterday that this is the only place on the internet where reading to comments brings their blood pressure DOWN, and it’s so funny because it’s so true and depressing at the same time. <3 <3 <3

  • http://twitter.com/Fantasyst Nina Huider

    I honestly thought it said ‘happy little vegemite’ instead of sausage. Oh, the influence you have on mankinds reading abilities…

  • citizenlala

    Amanda,

    This happens to me at the opposite time: when I GO to bed. I think about everything I want to do the next day and get excited for it (anticipation!) like I could get up and do them right now, but I’m tired. Let’s sleep instead. Right as I’m falling asleep, the song lyrics come and I’m never smart enough to write them down. I’m convinced when I wake that they were the most brilliant thing I’ve ever written and I’ll never know them again. This is a half truth. I imagine how different I’ll be tomorrow (see, I’m stuck in a rut – in a new city with my new husband going to online school, working a couple days a week, trying to be social with strangers, trying to stay creative). How much fun I’ll have. How productive and organized and fulfilled I’ll end up. This is more about anticipation, I guess. The actual day is not ever as event-filled as it seems in my head the night before. But I like lying awake thinking about these things. So more kudos to you and your morning self-snuggles.

  • jfbrown42

    Two thoughts:
    1. Your room is about as messy as mine, now I don’t feel so bad about it.
    2. The people that make comments on this blog are so insightful and mature. It’s a pleasure reading here, unlike a lot of places on the internets.

  • Marzipans11

    I think this is my favorite blog post so far (and to give me credit, I’ve been following for at least a year.) Beautiful writing; I think your husband is rubbing off on you! :) (Insert lewd innuendo here.)
    I’m doing all right this morning; at work and just finished filing a worrisome child abuse report. But I feel much  better for reading this.
    And way to reinvent a Grecian philisophy as a teen! Who cares if it wasn’t original; it’s a remarkable thing to realize at 15. I’m 25 and I still haven’t quite yet realized that the anticipation is better than the event.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100001008871671 Rachelchen Kladderadatsch

    long live the creative chaos!

  • http://spiffykt.blogspot.com/ spiffykt

    I love the quiet  moment in the morning. But now I’ve started checking Facebook first thing in the morning since I got my iPhone, so there’s less zen half-asleep contemplative-ness and more boring status updates. Perhaps it’s time for a change…

  • Run2theMoon511

    Amanda, this blog went straight to my heart. I relate so much to everything you said. I visited New York a month ago and never felt happier, safer. Here I am again in the suburbs of Southern California and just as you said, just as I felt as a child, I still feel now, lying awake in my room, afraid of the dark, head full of thoughts and far too aware of time.

    Realizing I’ve always resided in the past or in an imaginary future…

    I still believe exactly as you described: that anticipation is always better, but sometimes, worse also. Always more intense than what is ahead. Every trip I’ve ever looked forward to, every big life event was somehow a disappointment and always grew in its level of goodness when I looked back in retrospect…

    Thank you for writing.

  • NathaliaDalio

    It’s so good to know there are people out there like us, who feel the same way we do… thanks Amanda!

  • Alex

    haha…that room looks like mine. I call it “airing the clothes”. 

  • Sylvia van Bruggen

    This blog post was awesome. I love how your mind works. 

    I take too little time for moments like this. I need them though, as a poet I thrive on those moments between sleeping and wide awake, that is when the muse whispers can be heard best. So often I get distracted by my phone, my cat, my computer. 

  • Santnamor2013

    early morning…and I will try to sleep now…I wish I could sleep in the night and wake up in the morning…but nooooo… :D

  • Cassie

    I’m really hoping Trout Heart Replica and the Bed Song are on your next album! I have been waiting for them to come out  on a record since I saw you preform them on your Who Killed Amanda Palmer tour. But  if they arn’t, I’m sure the songs you do end up recording will be just as beautiful and I will have something to look forward to on the next album you put out!

    Thank you so much for all of your music! I am greatly anticipating your next record. 

  • MaeGovannen

    Amanda, I am so scared because after a summer of plan B, I am back where I am meant to be, studying to become a Doctor of Literature. I am surrounded by rich, high-flying kids from private schools who have slinky new copies of all the books and dress every day like they’re heading to the catwalk. I have well-thumbed, old books that smell of dust and damp, and I have well-worn, old clothes from charity shops. I don’t fit in with them. I have no friends on my course. I am so sick of being on my own.  

    I know they don’t feel it like I do. They skip study sessions because they are hungover, they never finish the books. They write a few annotations in blotchy blue biro and look out of the window. They whisper to their friends and send text messages. This isn’t what they want. 

    But some days the weight of their apathy falls onto me and I think…God, what’s the point?  And all I want to do is curl up in a ball and read The Hobbit until my eyes are sore and I can finally sleep. I want to be a writer, a scholar – I do – but I’m frightened. This is the only thing I want and if I can’t get it, what have I got? 

  • Chloe Henderson

    Oh Amanda you make my life. Thank you for making me a into happy little ball :)

  • PaperCut

    I had a dream last week that a gorgeous man 10 years my junior confessed his undying love to me and as I looked into his dreamy blue eyes, half-covered by slightly messy hair I remember thinking that my boyfriend would be very mad at me, but I kissed him anyway. I woke up smiling that day.

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